Am I being selfish?

Aislinn.B

Ok so I'm a 25 yo female. I have always been into men, never looking at another girl in 'that way'. My best friend is openly gay and we've been friends since we are kids and she has a long term girlfriend.
So anyway two years ago my friend introduced me to her friend (also gay) and this girl or should I say woman is instantly, openly into me. I admit I liked the attention I thought she's cute or whatever but wouldn't say I was exactly attracted to her.

At a camping trip when she got me alone she kissed me and I kissed her back and I admit I liked it. And ever since I kissed her back we have never left each other's side. I have somehow ended up in a relationship with her, even 'coming out' to my mother which wasn't hard to do cause my mother and I are like best friends.

But as much as I really like her and would be lost without her I am just not gay. I like men and have never looked at women. But this girl is honestly the kindest most amazing generous girl who ever lived and she absolutely adores me. I can't bring myself to hurt her but I really want my future to be with a husband and kids. I wish I could keep her as a friend but I know she's too in love with me. I know I should probably let her go and find someone who she will have a future with but I just can't hurt her and don't want to lose her. I know I'm selfish!!

session savage

That's a tough situation to be in. But in reality while it's great now you know she can never give you what you want. I think if you aren't honest with her, and yourself, then you'll end up resenting her. The right thing is often the hardest thing to do. Be honest with her. She sounds like the kind of person that would understand. And besides she knew you weren't gay when she met you, she may have always been expecting your relationship to be short.
Good luck.

Aislinn.B

session savage wrote: »

That's a tough situation to be in. But in reality while it's great now you know she can never give you what you want. I think if you aren't honest with her, and yourself, then you'll end up resenting her. The right thing is often the hardest thing to do. Be honest with her. She sounds like the kind of person that would understand. And besides she knew you weren't gay when she met you, she may have always been expecting your relationship to be short.
Good luck.

Thanks for reply. I just wish she was my sister or something then I wouldn't lose her

rcarroll

I think be honest with her...she will be hurt that you don't want a relationship but people can surprise you how understanding they can be...and who knows, maybe not now bit down the line ye could be great friends. Be true to your desires

beks101

Are you sexually attracted to her? How has the relationship developed at all if you are 'just not gay'? Is it possible you are over-thinking the 'labels' here and jumping way ahead of yourself to the future, instead of opening your mind and exploring your sexuality with this woman who by all accounts represents something special in your life?

Aislinn.B

beks101 wrote: »

Are you sexually attracted to her? How has the relationship developed at all if you are 'just not gay'? Is it possible you are over-thinking the 'labels' here and jumping way ahead of yourself to the future, instead of opening your mind and exploring your sexuality with this woman who by all accounts represents something special in your life?

She really is very special in my life and I wish it was enough. I just crave the security of a man. I want a big strong man to look after me.

At the start we had a very sexual relationship and without being too graphic she did things to me I didn't know were possible, mind blowing which is probably a big reason I didn't end it before it got too serious.

The relationship hasn't been sexual in a long time (not for the want of her trying) but I feel bad being sexual when I don't love her the way I should

Penny Tration

What you're doing, honestly, I find incredibly selfish. You're hanging on to her because you love her as a friend, all the while letting her believe you want a relationship with her. It's unfair to her and to you.

You need to bite the bullet and end it, for both your sakes.

Stavro Mueller

While you're stringing her along like this you're keeping both her and you off the market. If is a man you want, how do you propose going about finding one if you're in a lesbian relationship? Unless you plan on cheating...

Aislinn.B

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

While you're stringing her along like this you're keeping both her and you off the market. If is a man you want, how do you propose going about finding one if you're in a lesbian relationship? Unless you plan on cheating...

I'm not actively seeking a man it's just that I see my future with a man. Cheating is something I would never do to her as I said I could never hurt her like that

Stavro Mueller

Aislinn.B wrote: »

I'm not actively seeking a man it's just that I see my future with a man. Cheating is something I would never do to her as I said I could never hurt her like that

In a way you're emotionally cheating on her anyway. Not to mention stopping her from meeting someone who's genuinely attracted to her. Though I find it very hard to swallow your story about you supposedly being straight. It's a very big leap from a kiss to what you did. Maybe you need to stop lying to yourself as well?

There's no easy way out so stop wishing for one to magically appear. You're going to hurt her regardless of when you pull the plug on things. If you keep this lie going then shame on you.

Aislinn.B

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

In a way you're emotionally cheating on her anyway. Not to mention stopping her from meeting someone who's genuinely attracted to her. Though I find it very hard to swallow your story about you supposedly being straight. It's a very big leap from a kiss to what you did. Maybe you need to stop lying to yourself as well?

There's no easy way out so stop wishing for one to magically appear. You're going to hurt her regardless of when you pull the plug on things. If you keep this lie going then shame on you.

Thanks for reply. I know what I need to do. I'm going to end it tomorrow for her sake and mine

missierex

Aislinn.B wrote: »

Thanks for reply. I know what I need to do. I'm going to end it tomorrow for her sake and mine

Hi OP,

I'm glad that you've decided to end this relationship.

I have been in the position of the other girl, and it wasn't nice. We dated for a number of months and I thought everything was fantastic, and even thought that she was possibly 'the one'. She told me she loved me, and saw a future with me.

So, you can imagine the shock and hurt I felt when she ended it with me (for the same reasons as you - marriage and kids). I'm still convinced to this day that she is at the very least bi, if not gay but she made her decision, and while it hurt a lot at the time, i'm glad it didn't drag on longer.

Best of luck, I hope you can salvage a friendship, but don't be shocked if that doesn't happen.

Aislinn.B

Thanks for the replies lads