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Marriage breaking up, alone with small kids, scared

  • 01-09-2014 10:11am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, I'm making the decision to end my relationship. We've been together a long time, and had a lot of love but a lot of conflict too. Our circumstances have changed a lot in the last few years. We have two babies. When we have conflict my husband shouts and calls names. Before we had kids I would have responded in a similar fashion, but I can't do that around the babies so that means I now get shouted at most days and can't respond i.e. I'm being bullied. He says he can't control his angry reaction to me. Not even bothered writing what causes conflict, it could be stuff I did years ago or a 'disapproving' look on my face or asking him to hoover. Otherwise he is a very loving father and is particularly bonded with our young toddler. trying counselling but he seems to be using to go over old stuff and justify his anger (which he allegedly can't control around me and therefore out kids). There is some joy in our life together. There is love but I can't see the behaviour changing and I'm worried about the long term effects on the kids. I also hate tearing our little much wanted family apart.
    I'm forty with no family support, no savings, no real income, in a strange town and very scared and anxious. Worried about how I'll cope alone and am I doing the right thing. Please advise.


Comments

  • #2
    Magicmatilda
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    When you say he is using counselling to go over "old stuff" and justify his anger, can you elaborate what kind of old stuff?

    perhaps this is very important to him and you seem to be quite dismissive of it which would understandably make him or anyone angry.

    Now he could also be using this an an excuse but it is something to think about.


  • #3
    Split
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 98 ✭✭Split


    Hi OP ,

    Verbal abuse should not be tolerated in relationships in particular in front of the children . If your husband is having control issues then you and the kids both need to be safe and perhaps a break will give him time and indeed you time to learn some mechanisms for a healthy relationship .

    Tackling the old stuff is a brilliant first step as the old stuff can only go on so long before he will have to deal with some of the more immediate stuff . If you or the children are not safe then you need to get a safe plan in place to move out of the home . In no way alarmists but sometimes the best people to assist are domestic violence organisations who deal with verbal , physical , sexual abuse within the home .A number of them operate helplines if you could make a call .

    Nobody can tell you whether you are doing the right thing as none of us are in the current situation you are however with a little help you can find suitable accommodations , benefits and so on to ensure a home , warmth and food for the children and yourself .


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