I could do with a chance right now

LegacyUser

Sorry for the massive rant.

I can't really explain how I feel today. I am on the verge of crying and have been all weekend. I feel on the verge of getting sick and am shaking. I am trying to put down in words where I am right now just to try to understand what is going on.

I am the prodigal son.

I will admit I have been a spoilt brat most of my life. I suffered from addiction for my twenties and spent money like it was going out of fashion. I went on insanely expensive work junkets. Blew a pile of money trying to start a new business which fell flat on its face. I got myself into hairy situations due to drink including being raped and trouble with the guards. The rape was at the start of it so I am not sure if it was the cause of everything that came after.

I flunked out of a PhD. I always had a job but to say I was a functioning alcoholic would be laughable. But some how my employer never knew of the extent of my problems. I was never able to meet my debts. I owe the university where I was doing my phd 1500 euro. I had an esb bill outstanding of 1500 in my name which I recently paid off because while I worked abroad my partner would not pay the bills which were really very little because he lived our home rent free.

It is true, he was unsupportive. He has had a chequered history with my mother. He has lived alone in one of my mothers investment properties for 9 months when he was in college and paid her no rent. This is inexcusable. I wont try to excuse it. He was horrible to me during the period where I was drinking but I honestly think this was my own doing. Everyone knows an alcoholic. They are hated for a reason. They are selfish liars. I am surprised he stuck with me to be honest.

In the past 3 years I have turned my life around. I went into rehab. I had a son. My partner wasnt working so at 6 months it tore my heart out but I had to go back to work to support my family. This I have done without any support. Every month I pay 1400 in rent. I pay for gas and electricity and put food on the table for my family. I cant afford a car so I dont drive. My son is in creche for four half days a week to help improve his speech and language. This costs 400 euro per month. I literally cannot afford to save a penny and I see this because of all of my outgoings. Based on the amount of money I pay in rent, I could easily afford a mortgage but because of the amount of rent I pay, I cannot afford to save to get a mortgage.

My mother had offered to front me the cost of a house which I would then repay once I had enough savings in my bank account to prove to a bank I am a good candidate for a mortgage. Which I am, I support a family of 3 successfully even with Dublin's rediculous rental market on 40k a year.

I realised that this was all my own doing and I also realise my mother was taking a big risk offering to front the full purchase price of a home. So, based on this verbal offer I had been looking for a home and found one in the exact estate that I am currently living. I bid on the house and my offer was accepted. This is the second time I was the final bidder. The first time, I put my deposit down and the vendor looked for more money, which I was not prepared to pay so I pulled out of the purchase. Today, I am due to put down my deposit.

I have 7 k deposit in my bank account but over the weekend my mother has decided that she will no longer help me pay for the house. That I am to get a mortgage. She has decided she will not help me because she blames my partner for the previous decade of mistakes. While he was no angel, I cannot in good consciene let him take the blame. It was my doing. I developed a drink problem and began having grandiose ideas. I wasted my 20s but now, in my thirties, I am trying to set things straight.

I know she is getting advice from my bachelor brother who has never been in a relationship. He has told her to not support me so long as my partner is around. We have been together 10 years. He was in construction but now is not working. Back when I met him he had 60k in savings but today his mothers house is in arrears (to which his name is on) and he is in debt to the revenue for 60k.

My family believe that I am not in a real relationship because we are not married even though out of my family, half of my siblings have divorced/annuled/seperated. So, based on these odds, I have decided if I am to have a lifelong relationship I would rather not fork out money for a big day out and also not risk a big expensive settlement at the other end if things dont work out. I am a realist, 50% of marriages end in divorce. Also, I dont want his debt to become my debt.

I feel this opportunity slipping away for me, house prices are going up and I will never be able to put a roof over my sons head. I am heartbroken. I have tried so hard but it seems everything is against me. I am not settled in a community because I am renting. I dont know where he is going to go to school because I dont konw where I will be living in 2 years.

I honestly feel my mother would rather my son came from a broken home than me to continue in a loving long term commited relationship with his father. She would rather me in a poverty trap as a single mother than stay with my partner. This is her offer, leave your partner or I wont help you with the initial purchase of your home.

I am sick and heart broken today and feeling all my efforts are for nought. I am never going to have a home. My family will never accept my partner.

I was walking out the door to work today thinking I am going out to work just to pay for rent in a house I dont want to live in. I would be better off unemployed because then I could get social housing and I would get to do what I want to do which is spend time with my son.

I fought with my partner in front of my beautiful son this weekend because of this. I am wracked with guilt.

I have to ring the estate agent today and tell him I wont be buying the house.

Its funny my mother loves my son more than the entire world but I cant bare to see her and my parter has told me that he forbids me bringing him over to see her. Obviously I dont want to right now. But she is old and I want my son to have a relationship with his grand mother.

I am sorry for the rant. I dont know what I am looking for. I suppose, I am just looking for a reason to keep trying.

Right now I feel there is nothing good to take from the situation.

Magicmatilda

Are you attending any counselling since you left the rehab?

Are you a member of a 12 step programme?

It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and to be honest your partner does not sound very supportive? Is he working now?

LLMMML

I think you have to let go of the idea of your mother buying you a house. Sometimes when someone promises us something we then feel like it's normal and we are entitled to it. It's not great that your mother promised you this and then backed out but she is under no obligation to buy you a house, it's a huge outlay and she's well within her rights to not do it. And complaining about it will make you seem INCREDIBLY spoiled to any 3rd party you talk to about this. There's a lot of other stuff in your post that needs to be worked on but definitely forget the whole "mother buying me a house" issue. You're going to have to sort out your living arrangements yourself.

Calhoun

Honestly OP, i think one of the hardest thing as a parent to do is take a step back and let your child fall. I think the biggest mistake your mother made here is to offer this in the first place, close to this was giving you an ultimatum with your partner.

He doesn't sound like the best of people in the world to be fair, so i can understand why she did it even if its not right. Why should she enable a relationship where you are not been treated with respect and potentially end up having your partner claim part ownership of the property (civil partnership laws)?

Is your partner working right now? i only ask because if he isn't could he not get a job to help or even reskill/retrain to ?

I hope you feel better OP but to make this situation improve you need to first address your own relationship dynamic and then work from there. This may seem like your mother is being horrible harsh but as an adult you should never be beholden to anybody, by forcing you to figure out how to get what you need yourself she is actually doing you a favor. As if you can make this work without her help well you don't have to live by her rules.

LegacyUser

LLMMML you are absolutely right.

It would be spoilt of me to complain about it and it was an incredible gesture and one she is entitled to take back whatever her reasons.

This is why I will not complain.

I cant help how I feel. Cortisol is racing around my body and has been doing so for 4 days now.

I am disappointed. But it is not her fault.

I do feel betrayed by my brother but he is looking out for her. He is not looking out for me. It is right for him to do this.

I am educated. I have a healthy son. I will live.

I am in shock. I cant help how I feel. I am disappointed. I feel sick. I am on the verge of tears but she set me up with an education. This is something she didnt have to do.

My partner is working. The work is sporadic and he is not paid very well. I cannot rely on his income for bills. Thanks Jobbridge!

I made very bad decisions in my past. They are affecting my present and will affect my sons future.

Let this be a lesson to you all!

LLMMML

You can help the way you feel. You're relentlessly focusing on negative aspects in relation to your child. You HAVE put a roof over your child's head. It's nonsense to say you haven't. Your child doesn't know or care if it's rented or owned. Nobody can guarantee teir child will get to stay in the same school their whole lives. Lots of kids have moved school and had fine lives. Whether you're integrated in the community or not is up to you. Volunteer. Buying a house will not suddenly make you part of the community.

marizpan

It comes across from your posts that your mother has been a great support for you through all your problems. From education, financial support and rehab/emotional support.

You continue to expect a great deal from her and yet you expect so little from your partner?
Your mother has made a wise decision to step back. It is better for you and her in the long run. She has already done more than most.

Faith

Just to clarify, you say your partner ran up a €1500 ESB bill and refused to pay for it? And he's currently unemployed and contributes nothing to your household expenses? And he's in massive debt, it seems. When did he last work and contribute to the household? You mention he was in construction, then in college and is now unemployed. From the limited details you've given, it seems to me like your mother is right in not wanting to support a complete freeloader any more.

What does your partner actually bring to the table?

LegacyUser

OP
There comes a time when people just have enough of helping others out.
Resentment kicks in.
Your mother has put you through a lengthy education and let your freeloading bf stay rent free in her investment property. In my view, she's done enough. You have your own little family unit now, time for her to back away, and time for you to stand on your own two feet, which in fairness you seem to be doing. And it's hard...sorry, but that's life!
You haven't really begun to resent your bf, but you will. It's hard to see a family member going through hardship, and as adults, we tend to retreat sometimes, because they are your affairs, not hers. And your brother probably can't stand the notion of your freeloading bf living in a house provided by his mother. What is he doing all day when your child is in the crèche ?
Maybe I sound harsh here, but it's time for him to man up and pull his weight. Your mum and brother must be sick of watching him treat you like a mug.
Best of luck.