Need some advice

ilovecakes

I'm desperately in need of some advice, if anyone could help out.

My bf proposed to me a few months ago, and while we've been together a very long time, I was completely shocked! There were alot of family issues going on around the time of the engagement, and if I'm honest, it probably wasn't the best time to propose. I of course said yes, because I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I've been feeling so upset about it and I don't know why.

Given the family issues which were going on at the time, I wanted to wait a little while until we told my family. We couldn't do this though because he already told his mother he was planning on proposing to me that weekend, so she was expecting a call to announce the good news. Since his family knew about it, I had to let my family know too. The response was truly horrible. My mother was in complete disbelief about it, and wouldn't believe me when I told her, I kept having to say it over and over again until she realised I was talking about me, and not someone else! My grandmother, on seeing my ring, commented "that ring is tiny, sure I can hardly see it" and my dad just shook my hand(?!). We've been engaged 6 months now and my mother has yet to mention anything about wedding planning at all, she hasn't asked anything about it. Even when we talk about other people getting married, she still won't talk about ours. It's like it hasn't happened.

How do I move on from this? I keep getting so annoyed at myself for being so upset - it's so stupid, but for whatever reason I just can't move forward.

jopax

Its a very strange reaction from both your mother and grandmother. Is there something about your relationship that they disapprove of ?
You really won't know until you ask her about this, is she approachable?
Also have you spoken to your fiancée about this & does he have any inkling as to what is going on?

CaraMay

Have you asked her what the issue is?

ilovecakes

jopax wrote: »

Its a very strange reaction from both your mother and grandmother. Is there something about your relationship that they disapprove of ?
You really won't know until you ask her about this, is she approachable?
Also have you spoken to your fiancée about this & does he have any inkling as to what is going on?

Neither of them have ever mentioned that they had any problems with him. I wouldn't be too close with my mother either, we are very very different, so I knew I shouldn't expect the best reaction, but even at that, I was surprised at how she was. I've spoken with my fiance about it, and he's been great, but I feel like I'm upsetting him if I bring it up too much as he feels like it's his fault, even though I've tried reassuring him that it's not.

ilovecakes

CaraMay wrote: »

Have you asked her what the issue is?

I feel like if I ask her what the problem is, she'll get very defensive and deny it all. I've had a pretty strained relationship with him, and have learned the hard way to just accept her, that she won't change. Still upsets though

generalmental

Without trying to sound to dismissive, I say f... them.
I kinda went through a similar situation.i announced that myself and my wife were getting married and the response was like "Oh that's nice dear".
But when my brother and his Girlfriend announced they were getting married a few months later it was all bells and whistles and "We can't wait for your big day" "you should get this dress" all false niceties that makes me sick to my stomach.
So the way I saw it was if they didn't care they weren't coming I didn't want anyone pretending to be having a good time and ruining our big with their sour faces.
But I caved in and invited my mother and only one of my siblings and 4 days before the wedding my "Mother" said she wasn't going.
So I told her fine at least won't have to listen to your moaning and we had a beautiful small wedding and a wonderful day.

Guess what I am saying is if your family don't care neither should you and just get on with your life. I know its very black and white but life is too short for pussyfooting around people.

jopax

Well to me it sounds like its her issue then. To have a supportive mother would make life so much easier, but obviously she is not that type.
It is very sad for you that she can't be happy for you, but obviously she is only thinking about her own feelings.
Maybe she is jealous or resentful of your relationship & happiness.
If the communication is not great then there is no point in upsetting yourself trying to get somewhere with her.
Just try and stay positive regardless of their attitude, I know its easier said than done.
You are right to be hurt & upset but do your best for yourself & your fiancé, and live the best life you can.
I wish you all the best.

ilovecakes

Thanks generalmental and jopax for your advice. At this point, we are thinking of just heading off on our own and getting married and announcing it when we get back. Just need to find the confidence to do it now because I'm pretty sure we'll be the worst in the world for doing it in their eyes.

generalmental

ilovecakes wrote: »

Thanks generalmental and jopax for your advice. At this point, we are thinking of just heading off on our own and getting married and announcing it when we get back. Just need to find the confidence to do it now because I'm pretty sure we'll be the worst in the world for doing it in their eyes.

Just do it. Ring the registry office (if that's your thing) make a date and get married.
ALL of your family have had their life now it's your turn.
Sorry to be blunt but why would you let people who have basically insulted the person you love stop you from being happy.
If after you get married and they are unhappy you did it without them, you could always tell them they weren't too interested anyhow. Plus you can always have a blessing after the wedding if there so upset.

CaraMay

You need to talk to them!!!

jopax

ilovecakes wrote: »

Thanks generalmental and jopax for your advice. At this point, we are thinking of just heading off on our own and getting married and announcing it when we get back. Just need to find the confidence to do it now because I'm pretty sure we'll be the worst in the world for doing it in their eyes.

I think that if yes are happy with that then just do it. For what its worth I did that too, we said we were going away to get married and just went off just the two of us.
My family support was zero also, so to be honest they couldn't have cared less.
The point of it is we haven't regretted it & I would do the same again. The wedding is only one day its what comes after that which matters.
Be strong together & do what yee want. If you want the big day then do it and don't leave them stop you or you might regret it. If you are happy with the two of yee just getting married then just do that.
Take your time with your decision & remember to put you & your fiancé first. It's your chance to be happy and run with it.

FurBabyMomma

I really feel for you OP. I don't have a good relationship with my mother and feel like no matter what I try with her blows up in my face. I visit my patents from a sense if obligation but it makes me sad I don't actually have anything in common with them.

You mentioned family issues at the start - if they are currently grieving it might explain the odd reactions. But if not then it sounds like an excuse as a wedding should be a reason for happiness in the family.

I understand you might find it hard to just cut them off like it's been suggested. It's not that easy and puts a cloud over the day. You could maybe do what myself and my husband did. In my case my mother is very interfering and critical of my decisions in life. So to prevent this from impacting on our wedding myself and my hubby gave the date and venue to people but that was it. We went and organised absolutely everything else ourselves. That way it was stress-free and all about us. All people had to do was show up on the day, which to turned out to be lovely in the end. Do you think that might work for you?

freshpopcorn

I actually know of someone who was in a similar position to you/
The couple was about 26 at the time. They went away on holidays and were going out about 6 years.
He asked her to marry him and they told there parents. The night they came home.
His family were cool about it. Hers of the other hand were different. Her mam couldn't believe it. She wouldn't believe her for a while(she nearly fainted) ( It's all a big joke now about her.)
Her dad on the other hand really got angry about it he refused to accept it. He wouldn't go to work for days. He got on with the lad now always but he never thought they'd get married. The daughter rang her uncle and explained to him what was going on and the uncle called to see him. He was very blunt with him. He said they've being going out with over six years. They're planning on building a house together. What did you expect and if you don't accept it. You'll really loose your daughter. The guy came around to it after that.

Tasden

By any chance are they a bit old fashioned and expected your partner to ask your dads permission first? Not permission per se but just as is tradition for some as a courtesy so the fact that it came out of the blue just seemed insulting...?

ilovecakes

Tasden wrote: »

By any chance are they a bit old fashioned and expected your partner to ask your dads permission first? Not permission per se but just as is tradition for some as a courtesy so the fact that it came out of the blue just seemed insulting...?

I had been thinking this myself, but 6 months down the line I would have thought if they were upset over that, that they'd be over it by now, or at least brought it up with me

ABajaninCork

Oh God. First of all I want to say Congrats and give you a big hug!!

Reading your OP was like Groundhog Day for me. My now husband proposed. HIS family were delighted. My brothers and cousins were super excited. My father was like a dog with six lamp posts! Only my mother was upset. To this day, I don't know why. But she is very two-faced. She made out she was delighted. Waited until my hubby flew back to Cork. THEN she kicked off. Tried to blackmail me into calling off my wedding, saying she wasn't coming. I was very upset at first. Then I thought **** it. Told her if she wanted to come, that was fine. If she didn't come, that was also fine. I wasn't begging! Planned the wedding myself without any input from her. My best friend came dress shopping with me. My cousins and brother's girlfriends ooh'ed and aah'ed over my choices. Another friend of mine was getting married the year after me, so she and some of my church friends came to wedding fairs with me. Didn't miss my mother's input at all!

My mother's now taken to ****stirring and telling outright lies about my husband & I. And then wonders why I have very little to do with her and my husband even less. In fact we're going home to London in a couple of weeks. And my husband will not go to see my mother. I will go (as it'll be her birthday), but will only be staying 30 mins.

Look - what I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is this: Screw what your family thinks and their nastiness. It's their issue, not yours. Don't let it mess up your life and spoil what is a VERY special time for you. It'll only happen the once, so savour it. Enjoy your engagement. Plan your wedding. If you need help, the girls in the Weddings forum will be only too pleased to chime in and help you.

The very best of luck to you now and beyond!