Pushing family away...but it makes me feel better!

Autonomous

My family have no real issues, drink, drugs etc, but they're usless and selfish.
I have started to keep them at arms length and I generally feel happier and less frustrated by them.
My Dad and me never really clicked, I don't play golf, it appears to be his only link to anyone.
He has visited my older brother and Sister more times, even though they live in other countries.
Anytime we called with the kids, he'dhe'd be going out the door or shortly after we arrived.
We haven't talked in months, recently at a family do, he wanted to talk (he had drink taking) I politely said no, not the right place...he hasn't tried since.
My mother appears only interested in my sister and her child, she has never been a grandmother to my kids, always to busy and says she's not the grandmother type!!
My mother will only visit us with my sister and her child, while she's here she is practically running around fussing over sisters child, she missed my daughters commuion mass because she was waiting on my sisters child to wake up so they could all go.
My younger sister asked to borrow something expensive off me, I thought about it and polity said no as I was uncomfortable with it, as we recently spend the last bit of savings on it and have only used it twice.
Lets just say her reply was bitchy.
Am I doing the right thing, my kids never ask for anyone on my side

marizpan

Only you know if you are doing the right thing.
If you feel better with space/time between you and your family, then keep a distance. Listen to how you feel.

There is no law stating we have to get on great with family and be around them, thankfully!

StudentDad

You have a family - yours. Your spouse and your children. Unfortunately people play favourites. I found this out with my own family and it hurts. Eventually I found myself coming to the conclusion that if my parents and siblings wanted a relationship with me and my family it was upto them. No amount of wishful thinking on my part would change that.

All you can do is be the best parent and spouse you can be. Place your spouse and children at the top of your list and if your parents etc want to be a part of that, great. If not, it's their loss. Keep the door open so to speak, but it has to be on your terms. You are not there to respond to their whims. You have your own life to lead.

SD

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with the advice above.

I don't have kids so it's a different situation but I've realised that the more distance between me and my parents the happier that I am.

There is no point in sacrificing happiness because of some societal idea that we all must get along with our parents. One size doesn't fit all.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you actually pushing them away, like you say in your title? Or do you just keep your distance a bit?

You say your dad wanted to talk to you at a family function, and you said "No". What did he start talking about? Was it just a chat about life in general, or did he want a deep and meaningful about your relationship? It does sound like your family aren't that close to you, but it sounds like it's because you don't let them get close.

There's nothing wrong with not being a tight knit family. But you can't push people away, and keep them at arms length and then be bothered by the fact that they don't make more of an effort with you.

strobe

Autonomous wrote: »

My family have no real issues, drink, drugs etc, but they're usless and selfish.
I have started to keep them at arms length and I generally feel happier and less frustrated by them.
My Dad and me never really clicked, I don't play golf, it appears to be his only link to anyone.
He has visited my older brother and Sister more times, even though they live in other countries.
Anytime we called with the kids, he'dhe'd be going out the door or shortly after we arrived.
We haven't talked in months, recently at a family do, he wanted to talk (he had drink taking) I politely said no, not the right place...he hasn't tried since.
My mother appears only interested in my sister and her child, she has never been a grandmother to my kids, always to busy and says she's not the grandmother type!!
My mother will only visit us with my sister and her child, while she's here she is practically running around fussing over sisters child, she missed my daughters commuion mass because she was waiting on my sisters child to wake up so they could all go.
My younger sister asked to borrow something expensive off me, I thought about it and polity said no as I was uncomfortable with it, as we recently spend the last bit of savings on it and have only used it twice.
Lets just say her reply was bitchy.
Am I doing the right thing, my kids never ask for anyone on my side

At some point maybe you've gotta ask yourself why it is they all seem to be able to get on with each other fine but you're an anomaly. Seems likely your the problem, not them.

Giving your Father the cold shoulder like that at the family do is one of the most petulant, assholey things I've ever heard of...

jopax

Hello there, I just wanted to say I agree with studentdad and his advice is very wise.
To have a favourite child is wrong, it just gets harder to stomach when grandchildren are in the mix and they become an extension of you so are not treated the same as the other grandchildren.
I think not making it to your child's communion is disgraceful behaviour, it was an innocent child that she snubbed. It would make me very angry too.
At the end of it all, you just have to try and make peace with the way things are. You can only do your best by your own family and leave the rest to themselves.
I do think a bit of distance is a good thing, they are treating you and your family like outcasts anyway.
Good luck to you & enjoy your real family.

njs030

strobe wrote: »

At some point maybe you've gotta ask yourself why it is they all seem to be able to get on with each other fine but you're an anomaly. Seems likely your the problem, not them.

Giving your Father the cold shoulder like that at the family do is one of the most petulant, assholey things I've ever heard of...

Ignore this!!!
I don't associate with any of my aunts o my mothers side. The reason being that they are selfish, bitchy and have no control over themselves in relation to alcohol and get nasty and agressive. They all get along with each other and accept the vicious fighting etc as being 'very close'....if that means I'm the problem then I'm delighted. At least I'm different to that!

Just carry on and make the best choices you can for your children- that's your job not keeping others happy.

Autonomous

strobe wrote: »

At some point maybe you've gotta ask yourself why it is they all seem to be able to get on with each other fine but you're an anomaly. Seems likely your the problem, not them.

Giving your Father the cold shoulder like that at the family do is one of the most petulant, assholey things I've ever heard of...

So you think that I'm 'assholey' because my dad has made no effort to speak with me in months, but with drink taken its ok...drink and problems=bigger problems

strobe

Autonomous wrote: »

So you think that I'm 'assholey' because my dad has made no effort to speak with me in months, but with drink taken its ok...drink and problems=bigger problems

Look I don't know the situation and you didn't give much detail, which is understandable, but unless he came over and started shouting the odds... Yeah, I think it was a really assholey thing to do. I've more reason than most to want to turn my back on my parents, but for all their faults and all the **** that's gone on I'd never turn away from someone making an effort. You only get one spin at things and everyone makes mistakes. Takes balls to try and make steps towards rectifying them in any small way you can, even if it's small steps.

You've an unhelpful attitude is my impression, unhelpful for yourself, and you'll regret it sooner or later.

I'm honestly not having a go, or up on a high horse here, I've just been there and am genuinely trying to give what I think is the best advice.

Take it or leave it sure, I don't know your situation.

Hope things work out ok for you.

Tramps Like Us

If he cant catch up with you at a family do (surely THE time and place for this type of thing) when can he? I suspect this is the typical situation where each side feels neglected and unwanted by the other and keeps waiting for the other side to do something... and tbf with your dad it sounds like he tried to

My dad is a bit similar in that he only really really clicks with people through horse racing, its that he doesnt care its just that that is what he knows and is confident talking about... ordinarily he's a man of few words. I dont care much about horse racing but I go to a few meetings with him every year just to hang out with him.

Maybe you could try to bond with your dad over something golf related even if its just watching it on the telly

LegacyUser

I think if your family is having a negative affect on you and your children you should limit your contact with them, as it will usually start to affect your children more as they get older and can see what your family is like.
I have a very toxic family myself who have chosen to belittle me and my children. my parents repeatedly play favourites, and if I am not willing to go along with their nasty behaviour I will have my father phone me and when I answer the phone I have been greeted with the words "your some ****en bastard" and then when I meet him the next time he acts like nothing happened, and its not limited to my father being nasty. Oh and I don't answer the phone to him anymore. I have one sibling who does not like their behaviour either but she makes sure she stays on good terms as much as she can with them for financial reasons. I could write a very long book about all the ****e this bunch does but who wants to read or relive that crap.

I have tried limiting my contact with them and manage it a lot of the time but they just wont let things be quiet and keep their opinions to themselves. My life is a lot less stressful if I don't see them.