I don't want to meet or reference my mother's new partner - your thoughts?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

My parents broke up around 2009. The serious issues started around 2005 when I was a teenager and except for rare instances, since then I have felt quite emotionally isolated from the two of them. In 2008, due to a drunken text message sent in error to the (small number of) contacts in her phone list including myself, my brother and my father it transpired that my mother was conducting an affair with an acquaintance of both of my parents. The acquaintance was a recent widower. As can be imagined, the separation was an ugly emotional affair.

Since then, there is a weird relationship between myself and my mother. I don't mind that the marriage broke down but I detest the manner in which it happened. I place the blame squarely at my mothers door for the manner in which it finally ended. There is an uneasy truce between my mother and I as fights can flare up momentarily and frankly it isn't a pleasant relationship.

Frankly, a (very excellent) psychologist guided me through CBT a number of years ago where I came to the realisation that my mother wasn't a very loving or motherly person, emotionally speaking. The psychologist thought that this was a breakthrough for me at the time.

Essentially now the widower is funding a lavish life for my mother with holidays abroad, new clothes and golf every week while things are very hard for me. He has never extended an olive branch to me directly. I have moved to Manchester with little money to secure a graduate job and should have one soon. The widower is now passing comment on me not having 'done enough' at the age I am now(mid 20s). My mother also claims to be penniless and wants to sell the family house in Ireland. The only reason would be to further fund a somewhat hedonistic lifestyle.

My quandary is that despite walking on eggshells - she can be difficult, I am in trying my hardest, however hard to have something of a relationship with my mother. I really do NOT want to have anything to do with her new partner. Particularly as I am closer to my father whom was betrayed essentially. I don't think that my mother wants to bring the new partner into my life for benign reasons really - I think it's more narcissistic play acting.

Am I being selfish and should I extend an olive branch or should I not speak to him given this is how I legitimately feel?

Thanks

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
firstly I am sorry that you had to go through all this, it must have been horrible for you.
I was also betrayed like your father, also after a long marriage. I have children, one is around your age. He also felt betrayed as he saw my pain at the time of the split. What I told him is this: you are young and totally innocent of your parents' marriage. It is up to you to live your life and look after your own needs as you step out into the world...the mess of a marriage split is not your problem..it belongs to the couple and you need to leave it at their door. You should not feel guilty for loving your father, he tried hard to keep it together but your mother will always be your mother. Even if you think she isn't a great mother , she is still the only one you have.
No matter how pained I was after my ex husband behaved, I still encouraged my children to have a relationship with their father. As for the Other Woman? My children are civil and polite to her, because that is how I reared them...Pay no heed to Mr.Boyfriend and his comments about your career. You are not a child, and you have a Dad already. Don't rise to any nastiness, be polite to his face the way your father reared you. My adult children never needed a step mother, whatever she says they just act like she is background noise, and over time she became wallpaper behind their father , they still talk to him and I am glad they do. Mind yourself

Eeden

^^ awesome advice.

shalalala

It is horrible how things happened BUT it is your parents relationship, NOT yours. The break up should not be an issue for you, the lies I don't agree with but probably came from a place thinking you were too young to deal with it.

The issue is your mother not being a loving mother. Only you can discuss this with her, I only have a mother and we are very close so this I don't have any experience with dealing with.

You should be civil to your mothers new partner. I have tried with ALL of my mothers partners and kept my doubts under wraps. The only time I didn't was when I was a moody teenager. Because that is essentially teenage behavior. You are an adult and so is your mother you are both conducting adult relationships. You should ideally treat it as such.

IlmoNT4

You were young at the time of the divorce, at a time when both your parents should have been providing a stable home life for you. This didnt happen, so its very understandable how you feel then, and today.

But heres the reality, You are an adult now and you make all the choices for your emotional well being. Being an adult you've probably also learn that adult relationships are messy and not the straight forward process that children and teenagers see them as, and in your case you saw how messy life and relationships are at a young age. Divorce and how its handled is down to the adults in the marriage, if you've ever been in love and had your heart broken you might start to understand that people, when things go wrong, do and say really silly things that they regret later.

Every single person in life has had phases of their life, that they think I wish I hand handled that better, not done X, not done Y. Some people are able to consciously acknowledge their shortcoming, others will not and can not acknowledge and utilize distraction (buying stuff, drinking, new relationships) to escape from their pain. Over my life I have come to realize that people act and behave in a way, that they were raised and that for generations people pass down issues and problems to their children. Its through maturing that I've learnt that my parents didnt know how to be parents or how to make a marriage work, nor did any of their parents...In fact, I'm pretty sure that none ever tells you have to have a good relationship or be a parent. Its only the lucky ones, who know there is something wrong and seek out therapy to change the patterns that were laid down for them in childhood. Its a rough path but one I would recommend.
Take a look at your own attitude and behavior at the moment, does it remind you of anyone? Remember you are a produce of your childhood and both your parents. Often what disgusts us most in other people is what we recognise in ourselves.

Regarding the man your mother is involved with now He has not offered you support. Why is this his job? you are an adult now, you have made a choice to move to another country and setup a new life. The most your parents should be providing at this stage is emotional support. The rest of their lives and how they conduct themselves is not your concern.

Try and understand, its important that you separate yourself from them.... I would recommend that you get find a Councillor who can help you grieve for what you lost as a young person. CBT is a great tool, but it will only help you to survive and you need to thrive...... I would recommend googling an American physiologist - Pete Walker, he has written two books, The Tao of fully feeling and Complex PTSD, both of which are excellent.
Take a breath OP... This is your life, make good choices for yourself.

December2012

Why does it matter to you why your mother wants to sell her house?

It's her house - she can do whatever she wants.

What do you think she should be spending the proceeds on? Frankly, the idea of spending the years post children in a hedonistic and carefree fashion is very appealing to me and I am a very loving mother!

Do you want her to give the money to you?

You want nothing to do with the new partner, yet you criticise him for not extending an olive branch? Why should he?

Presumably he didn't force your mother into an affair? There were obviously problems in the marriage already or she wouldn't have had the affair. Maybe they should not have married, maybe they grew apart, only they know.

She is getting something from the new relationship (in your view it's financial, in her eyes it could be something else) so it's working for her. I doubt you have a full insight into their relationship because you present it with such hostility.

You sound very bitter and you are acting very immaturely, probably out of hurt.

But like it or not he is in her life and your parents are never getting back together. You could hold on to your pain, but in reality, it is spent emotion. Do you want to spend any more emotion negatively? Or are you tired of it all, and are you ready to accept that this is the new reality of your mothers life?