heart break or drama??????

mike hilux

Hello

About a year ago I met this girl. To sum it up I thought she was great. We just got on and always talked for hours without pause. It was a long distance relationship and we felt the strain after a few months. In a farmer and she is a teacher

I would finish up early in the day and take the two hour drive to hers and would have ti be gone the next morning to be back for work. She would come down every second weekend. I left it slip at times and we might not see one another for two weeks or so.

It came to a head a few months back and with arguments getting more common we sat down and decided to call it a day. I said I wanted to be friends if at all possible and that I held her in very high regard and we parted on very good terms.

I got a text a week later saying that she was offered a job in my area and had decided to take it. She was off traveling for a month after that so I wished her all the best with her travels and told her if I could do anything let me know and we would talk when she returned. I also text her every so often to make sure she was ok and safe.

She was traveling with friends for the first 3 weeks and was going to continue for a week on her own. I took the breakup harder than I care to admit and really worried about her when she was on her own. She text me then and said she was going to extend her travels by another month and I told her she was dead right.

I still text maybe once every 4 or 5 days but the replies were getting less frequent and although we were broken up I just worried about her.she arrived home early due to unforseen circumstance and when I text to ask was she alive she replies she was home a few days.

A few days later I was driving through my local town and was amazed when she crossed the road infront of me. When I finally parked up and got back to her I said I couldn't believe my eyes and she told me that she was down about the job.

She told me that she had met someone on her travels and that's why she extended her stay. I said I was happy for her and delighted she was home safe. We left it there.

During our first texts after the break up she text a lot and I wasn't really able for it. I needed time and space. She said that if I had tried harder then we might have got back together especially since she got the local job but I looked at it as she was only away for a month and I didn't want to spoil her holiday as I knew she was so excited.

What kills me is that all the time I spent worried about her for five weeks while I thought she was traveling solo. since I was there before. I told her what to do and what to avoid. All that time she was with the new lad and in his home country so she was safe.

I don't think she owes me an explanation or anything and I am happy for her even though it hurts and doesn't sound like it but I just wish I didn't make such a fool of myself with my texts. If I got a message saying she was traveling with someone and that she preferred I didn't worry then I would have been content or a message saying she met someone.

I feel like some clown and suppose I acted like one to. She has said that if I tried more then we would still be together and I feel she has shifted the blame onto me. All I want to say is that I'm not a mind reader and thought we broke up for a reason.

I was just venting on here and would appreciate others opinions.

Mr. Incognito

Your mistake was staying in touch after you broke up. We have all been there.

Clean ties. Cut the cord.

Someone always moves on. She used you as a crutch to get over you. You let it happen.

Learn from it and move on. You sound like a nice guy and you wont meet someone new until you move on.

Plenty more ladies out there.

mazdaminx

She text you when it suited her, when she got lonely, etc.
People are very disappointing, suit yourself and have respect for yourself. Don't you deserve better.
If she turns around in a month or 2 wanting you both to try again, would you be up for that?

mike hilux

I wouldn't be up for it anymore. I hold a terrible grudge and I always have. I don't like thinking bad about the girl either. She
was very good to me when we were together.

I suppose I was a mug when I think back. I'm still mad that I spent so much time and effort worrying about her. Is it out of order for me to have expected a heads up
during our text sessions. Instead of finding out in a chance meeting on the side of the street. Especially after all the grief I got about it being my fault because
I didn't make the effort when she was moving down localy.

berrygood

mike hilux wrote: »

I wouldn't be up for it anymore. I hold a terrible grudge and I always have. I don't like thinking bad about the girl either. She
was very good to me when we were together.

I suppose I was a mug when I think back. I'm still mad that I spent so much time and effort worrying about her. Is it out of order for me to have expected a heads up
during our text sessions. Instead of finding out in a chance meeting on the side of the street. Especially after all the grief I got about it being my fault because
I didn't make the effort when she was moving down localy.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Most of us have been there. You give more of yourself than you probably should and then you end up feeling a bit mary foolish. But the way I look at it, life is about taking chances. I'd rather let someone that I wanted to be with that I felt that way rather than leaving them in doubt. If it doesn't work out at least you've no could I have done more nonsense.

You seem like a decent chap. I'm sure you'll find someone more suitable. And, yes, she should have told you she had met someone else. I'm sure she would have been aware that you were still interested. Perhaps she was keeping you as a fall back in case it didn't work with Mr New Guy.

Onwards and upwards, OP.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I am sure it must have a surprise to see the girl recently, and maybe it gave you a bit of a start.
The thing is when a break up happens and it's long distance then it easy to just keep texting one another, you know you're not going to see them in the shops, the local pub etc.
Feelings don't disappear overnight, you liked the girl and she liked you. Maybe she found it hard to move on , she kept seeing you long distance and told you she wanted to continue.
Now she's found someone new , and I mean this in a nice way, you were the one who said the relationship was over but you wanted to still be friends so why wouldn't she text you? (maybe I am wrong..it could be how I read your post).
Be happy for her. You have good memories from your time together..in time you will meet someone new

mike hilux

Hello.

We both agreed that we thought a lot of each other and if circumstances were different then we may have stayed together but the long distance and basically my hours on the farm was to much.

She sent me texts and I would reply. Then she got the job and had to come down to sign the paperwork before she left the country. I said I would meet her since she was around and said to call out to the house but she said she didn't want to so I went into town and said we will get dinner. She said no to dinner also and we settled on coffee.

Over coffee I said it was weird how she got the job just after we broke up and that you couldn't write it but also that neither of us knew what the future held. I offered her a room in my house while she settled into the new job and found her feet. Making it clear that I wasn't expecting anything. She refused. She wasin a hurry away to pack for her travels and I told her to be safe and that I would check up on her from time to time and wewould talk when she got back.

She was off a few days later so I text the night before to wish her good luck and told her ti be safe and she said thank you and said she was all excited. On the day she arrived I received a text at about 4am which woke me and I replied that I was glad she got there on one piece. She asked what I was doing up so early and I explained and then fell back asleep.

We were still broke up and I thought by her behavior that we were staying that way so didn't think it right to pester her everyday. She text again and due to the time difference the conversation continued over a good few days then nothing. True to my word after another few days I text "are you still alive." she replied she was and then a few days later I asked the same again.

Then she said she was extending the holiday and I said that I miss not having her around and she said that I should have said that sooner and how hurt she was at the start. I told her I didn't realise and that I didn't want to put my foot in it since she was leaving and was so excited.

I still checked up on her but her replies were few and far between. But in one she said that when she got back she was going to start looking for accommodation. I said my offer of the room still stood if she wanted but she told me she was going to stay with a lad that I know. that is friends with one of her college friends. I told her I was surprised but she explained that it would be awkward between us so I said grand so.

Then I met her on the street and she told me about the lad she met on holiday. I was happy for her and then she told me how hard she tried to make it work and that it was my fault for not contacting her earlier and basically how I pushed her into his arms

As I said in an above post. I'm not a mind reader and believed we broken up for a reason. Im embarrassed to admit it but curiosity got the better if me and I went on Facebook and their is a picture of them together only 9 days after she left which was less than 20 days after we broke up.

That's a fairly comprehensive and truthful run down of what happened and I apologise for its length and realise I'm coming off as obsessive but I just want a rounded opinion really.

I'm tormented about the amount of time I wasted worried about her and I feel she could have mentioned it several times about the new lad just so I knew where I stood

mylefttesticle

mike hilux wrote: »

Hello.

We both agreed that we thought a lot of each other and if circumstances were different then we may have stayed together but the long distance and basically my hours on the farm was to much.

She sent me texts and I would reply. Then she got the job and had to come down to sign the paperwork before she left the country. I said I would meet her since she was around and said to call out to the house but she said she didn't want to so I went into town and said we will get dinner. She said no to dinner also and we settled on coffee.

Over coffee I said it was weird how she got the job just after we broke up and that you couldn't write it but also that neither of us knew what the future held. I offered her a room in my house while she settled into the new job and found her feet. Making it clear that I wasn't expecting anything. She refused. She wasin a hurry away to pack for her travels and I told her to be safe and that I would check up on her from time to time and wewould talk when she got back.

She was off a few days later so I text the night before to wish her good luck and told her ti be safe and she said thank you and said she was all excited. On the day she arrived I received a text at about 4am which woke me and I replied that I was glad she got there on one piece. She asked what I was doing up so early and I explained and then fell back asleep.

We were still broke up and I thought by her behavior that we were staying that way so didn't think it right to pester her everyday. She text again and due to the time difference the conversation continued over a good few days then nothing. True to my word after another few days I text "are you still alive." she replied she was and then a few days later I asked the same again.

Then she said she was extending the holiday and I said that I miss not having her around and she said that I should have said that sooner and how hurt she was at the start. I told her I didn't realise and that I didn't want to put my foot in it since she was leaving and was so excited.

I still checked up on her but her replies were few and far between. But in one she said that when she got back she was going to start looking for accommodation. I said my offer of the room still stood if she wanted but she told me she was going to stay with a lad that I know. that is friends with one of her college friends. I told her I was surprised but she explained that it would be awkward between us so I said grand so.

Then I met her on the street and she told me about the lad she met on holiday. I was happy for her and then she told me how hard she tried to make it work and that it was my fault for not contacting her earlier and basically how I pushed her into his arms

As I said in an above post. I'm not a mind reader and believed we broken up for a reason. Im embarrassed to admit it but curiosity got the better if me and I went on Facebook and their is a picture of them together only 9 days after she left which was less than 20 days after we broke up.

That's a fairly comprehensive and truthful run down of what happened and I apologise for its length and realise I'm coming off as obsessive but I just want a rounded opinion really.

I'm tormented about the amount of time I wasted worried about her and I feel she could have mentioned it several times about the new lad just so I knew where I stood

Stop obsessing over her and move on before it becomes a bigger issue.

She did nothing wrong as you wanted to keep in contact with her and its her business when she chooses to tell people if she has a new man in her life and not yours.

Snap out of it as your actions during and after the break up are not the actions of man so in love that he would have done anything to get back with the woman he was going out with.

You held her in high regard? This isn't about her really is it? its about a bruised ego and that's ok that is hurtful but its not terminal and I have a feeling that deep down you know she wasn't really the one for you anyway.

So just look at it from that point of view, get over your ego and go about meeting someone who melts your stomach.

CaraMay

You chose to worry about her so you can't blame her for your actions. Sounds like she didn't feel loved by you and since she met this guy, she has been distancing herself from you. That's fair enough.

strobe

You didn't act like a clown, you were concerned for someone you cared about and so tried to help them along in what way you could. There was a hit of just wanting to be in contact with her to of course but you were not a clown or a fool.

And tbh, I think it was a bit ****ty for her to say "if you'd have tried harder we'd still be together" ignore that bollox, there were two of you in it, why didn't she try harder if that's how she felt, such self serving nonsense, she's just trying to make herself feel better.

Look like you said you broke up for a reason. There's another 3 billion women in the world. And you're free to meet any single one of them now. This one isn't all that special. Onwards and upwards.

mike hilux

Hello.

Thanks for all the above info and comments. There all appreciated.

I came to the conclusion it's not love a while ago all right. I dont believe its 100% ego either but I suppose something must be bruised.

I don't think it's fair to be reprimanded for worrying because she was a big part of my life. Also if someone left my house late at night I would always say to ring me when they get home safe.

I get what your all saying is to let go and move on and I never thought that I had to be informed about her future relationships but at the end of the day. My understanding was of a young girl traveling around in a different country on her own and I worried. I don't think that's a crime

I don't mind she has a new boyfriend. I really don't but if she said she had met a bunch of nuns to travel around with I would have been content that she was not on her own.

To be honest I suppose I should be happy that nothing happened to her and I saw with my own eyes that she got back in one piece so fair play to all for helping me work that out. Any advice on going forward as she will be so local. Do I just forget and say hello if we meet in town or should I lead the welcoming committee

CaraMay

You just be pleasant if you meet her. Why would she need a welcoming committee? She clearly wants distance from you so give it to her and move on

Rubberchikken

You sound like a good guy who has behaved really well so far.
Be friendly towards her when/if you meet and move on with your own life.

Take care

mike hilux

I didn't really mean a welcoming committee. I was just wondering from one extreme to the other where would I drop in. As you say just say hello if we meet. That's cool so. Looks like I'm fairly sorted. That's all my venting done till the next problem arises. Thanks to everyone for all advice and interest shown

Potatoeman

You break up after a long distance relationship and a week later she got a job in your area?

mike hilux

Potatoeman wrote: »

You break up after a long distance relationship and a week later she got a job in your area?

Yes but I knew she had applied for it ages before that. We were both taken aback but she was unemployed and a job is hard got so I told her to take it if she wanted it.

Idle Passerby

You broke up knowing she had already applied for a job in your area so the distance must not have been the only reason for the break up.

In terms of whether or not you should make a big deal of welcoming her to the area, it seems she has already arrived and didn't see fit to let you know. Follow her lead. Civil, polite, distance.

I doubt your frequency in texting her had all that much to do with her meeting someone else abroad. She might have wanted to be chased by you a bit more and for you to show greater enthusiasm about her moving to your area but you had broken up so she cant really say that's the reason she found someone else.

It sounds like a nice relationship ran its course and the "lets be friends" aftermath is proving more awkward than beneficial to either of you.

Its natural to want to keep someone in your life if the relationship was good and ends amicably, but realistically, you weren't friends to start with so a real friendship would have to be cultivated from scratch while trying to deal with the fact that it used to be much more. Its a lovely idea but in reality its not that simple a thing to do.