How to handle situation

retro:electro

My mother has been very ill recently, things are bad. She isn't ill in the sense that she can't leave the house, but has received a bad diagnosis that we are all still reeling from. We haven't even told family yet, it's literally just me and my sisters and brother and our partners who know.

I found out about two weeks ago how bad things were and since then my friends have been asking to do a lot of stuff as we are all on summer break from college. I have ran out of excuses as to why I can't meet them, I've said I'm sick, I'm away, I'm helping my brother move house etc etc and I feel bad for lying to them.

Just today one friend asked could she call around and I said I wasn't at home today but I know she knows I'm lying and she is worried. She has since text my boyfriend and asked am I alright and what's going on, so I am now at a loss as to what to tell them. I want to respect my mothers wishes and not tell them and to be honest if I do tell them and ask it to keep it to themselves I know they won't. I live in a town where people have you dead and buried once they find out you're sick and that's what my mother is trying to avoid.

I just can't face seeing them or doing anything with them. I'm not able, but I don't know how to tell them to leave me alone without causing offence as they have no idea and they are only being concerned which I appreciate.
Any advice as to what to tell them I would really appreciate.

New Home

OP, I'm really sorry to hear about your poor mother, your whole family must be in a state. My best wishes for you all.

If it's a very close friend I'd tell her that there IS something going on but that you cannot tell her, that you need some time and space on your own to make sense of it, that you know she's there for you if you need her, and that you'll tell her when the time is right. I'm pretty sure she'll understand, we all go through some personal stuff at times, even if not as serious as this...

As for the rest, unfortunately you can't stop people from speculating about what's going on and gossiping behind your back, so you can at least try to manage what you have some control over.

At least your friends won't be wondering if they've done something wrong/offended you in some way...

That's what I'd do anyway, hope it helps.

DeltaWhite

Firstly - I am sorry to hear about your mam and hope she is ok.

Apologies if you have already tried this, but have you mentioned to them that you have a personal emergency/family emergency at home and hence why you havent been around? Would your friends be the type to appreciate that and wait until you're ready to see/tell them? Or would they push for info maybe being worried? I certainly dont think you should have to divulge any information that you dont want to, but I think if you explain that for the minute you are unavailable due to personal circumstances (sorry it sounds so clinical) and if they are good mates they will understand?

Hoping some of the above has been helpful!

retro:electro

On my phone so can't quote but thank you both for your replies. Last Saturday there was a going away dinner for another friend which I was meant to attend. The other friend who is always asking me to do things text me and asked was I going and I knew my absence would be questioned so I let her in a small bit and said that there was a lot going on at home at the minute and I needed a bit of time out. I thought this would maybe stop them asking me to do things everyday but no literally everyday since I have a text asking am I okay and do I want to meet up. It's getting to the point where they are beginning to annoy me even though I know they are only being concerned and perhaps I'm just projecting my anger.

Another thing is I was meant to go to a gig with them this weekend, and I still owe my friend for the ticket. Needless to say I won't be going, but I don't want my friend going thinking that I never paid her for the tickets. I want to give her the money for them, she can even keep them and give them to someone else if she likes, but I want to pay her, and this means I will need to see her. I know if I see her she will be asking me questions. Maybe facing them and talking about it means I have to face that it's really happening, which I'm not able to do yet.

Tokyo

Hi anna080,

small consolation I know, but I also want to add my sorrow at the bad news your family has received, and I imagine that it's going to have you all reeling for quite a while. The unfortunate truth is that if you're from a close knit community like yours, then you're never going to get true privacy - people are going to speculate as to what is going on in your family home, and a few might hit the nail on the head. That's to be expected I'm afraid.

Having been there myself, the best you can really do is tell persistent friends that you have something personal going on at the moment that you don't want to talk about and if they are any sort of friend at all they will leave it at that, or at least keep their speculation to themselves. If they keep persisting then they are placing their need for gossip above your need for privacy, and I'd question what kind of friends they are at all, and wouldn't hesitate to tell them that it's none of their business.

I would probably let them know "there is personal stuff going on which I have been asked to keep confidential so I can't tell you any details but I am okay and I wanted to say thanks for your concern and support. I'll chat to you about it when i can." or something similar.


I'm sorry to hear about your mother, very much so.

Tokyo

anna080 wrote: »

Another thing is I was meant to go to a gig with them this weekend, and I still owe my friend for the ticket. Needles to say I won't be going

I realise that it probably goes against everything you are feeling right now, but try not to cut all other aspects of your life out of your life if you can help it. You *are* going to need to destress in all of this, even if it's for an hour or two, and getting away with friends and doing something is a good way of doing that. Fair enough you might not feel like it this coming weekend, but keep it in mind in the future .

retro:electro

So I just got another text this morning asking what was up and my boyfriend got a text at work demanding to know what is going on!

Tokyo

anna080 wrote: »

So I just got another text this morning asking what was up and my boyfriend got a text at work demanding to know what is going on!

I'm beginning to question what kind of friend this is... TBH I'd be considering a more direct "I'm dealing with some personal stuff right now - can you please respect that??" response...

New Home

ANSWER: Mind your own business. If I was in a position to tell you I'd have done so already. Please respect my privacy. Thank you.

retro:electro

mike_ie wrote: »

I'm beginning to question what kind of friend this is... TBH I'd be considering a more direct "I'm dealing with some personal stuff right now - can you please respect that??" response...

Ya I think I will have to go down that route.

LynnGrace

Really sorry OP, it must be very tough trying to come to terms with this news.
If I was worried about a friend, hadn't heard from them or whatever, I'd certainly keep in touch, and be there for them, but would always be very conscious of the need to respect their privacy.
If this is genuine concern on your friends part, I'd say something along the lines of ' a lot going on just now', and hopefully she will back off a bit.