Family home in total disrepair

LegacyUser

Hi all,

This is probably a strange post but it's something that's really affecting me.

I'm an adult (25) and have moved home to my parents house for a few months (for career reasons) after which point I will be leaving again.

The thing is I'm totally worried and disappointed with the state of direpair that my parents have allowed the family home to go into and the fact that they don't seem to care at all. It baffles me because to look at them they are both well dressed and well presented, good income, no debt etc.

I know that this is probably not any of my business and that it is their home and not mine, which is true but it's really worrying me what will happen to them down the line.

We moved into the house 20 years ago and it was my grandparents originally. Now, it was badly in need of repair then and they only ever did the bare minimum to have it livable such as installing electric showers etc.

My parents are both 60 years old and in good health and in a good financial position to make it into a nice home but they haven't ever spent a penny on it. The house is in terrible disrepair and I'm worried about them living in it long term and what will happen to them when they get older. It has gotten so bad that water leaks through the ceiling to downstairs when somebody has a shower, damp on the walls causing wallpaper and paint to peal off, tiles falling off, badly in need of plumbing and electrical repairs etc. There is also plenty of other stuff such as clutter everywhere and all the couches having tears in them but it is the structural damage that concerns me more.

It baffles me that they have made no moves in the past 20 years to do anything about it and make livable but I suppose not going to be able to change them now and it is their decision.

I suppose I'm just seeing the real extent of it as now I'm at home for longer than my usual visits of a day or so. It is not a nice way of living and I feel that they deserve better. It has gotten so bad that nobody (family or friends) has stayed in the house for the past 10 years or so. My brother is soon getting married and planning kids and has already said to me that there is no way they will be coming near the house so I feel it is even affecting their family life at this stage. Neither of our partners will come near the home and I don't blame this as it is genuinely awful) When we were kids, our cousins were never left stay and we were always embarrassed to have friends over because of the state of the place but at this point in my life I'm over that I'm just genuinely concerned for my parents wellbeing and safety

Since I've been here, I clean up so that is is at least clean but am not allowed near the clutter as they see it as interfering and any attempts of offering help etc are immediately shot down.

Whenever I've broached the subject (which I'm careful doing) I'm just told to stop going on about the house and it generally causes a row. I'm just at my wits end with it all.

ABajaninCork

Then I'd leave them to it. You've done your best to point out the damage and the state of the house. It's up to your parents now.

Is it both of them that are reluctant to do anything - or is one parent more stubborn than the other?

If it was me op, I would organise some repairs myself. I'd get someone in to look at the shower, the ceilings etc.
It probably wouldn't cost much and maybe your siblings could help too.
You're living there now, for however long and you can see the problems, your parents are there so long they just don't see them anymore.
Surely ye ( the kids) can sort out the major issues?
I wouldn't worry about mess/hoarding/tidyness, this probably isn't your business.but I would think that making your parents home habitable in the long run would be an issue for you and your siblings?
Just tell them its happening

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I understand your issues a bit. My parents are very house proud, it is always clean, tidy, nicely decorated, well maintained, etc. They are constantly spending on it, making it warmer, easier to maintain, etc, always planning ahead to old age. Here is the thing though, they don't go on holiday (no interest) and while they are always clean and have clean and ironed clothes, their physical appearance wouldn't be a priority. This is the same with my siblings and I and my parents extended families. This is the way we are.

My OH on the other hand comes from a family where physical appearance is paramount. The hours that they all spend grooming themselves, shopping, etc is insane in my opinion. For his mother and sister, getting their hair and nails done is by far more important than hoovering or loading the dishwasher. They are well off, have nice cars, go on lots of holidays but their house is nothing short of disgusting. They never spend a cent on it, because they just think it is a waste and it is pointless because it will get dirty/ broken again anyway. There are piles of plates, papers, magazines, shoes, clothes, etc on the floors all over the house. I don't think that a bed has ever been made in the house.

Since my OH met me, his priorities have changed, but he thought for a long time that my parents were insane. Our parents are the same ages, but while mine are active, always planning, researching, etc, making everything as easy as possible for when they are older, his parents are the opposite. They would never get up and put on old clothes and get dirty, so the house is a bloody state.

What my OH did was to start shaming them. He would call repairmen, organise repairs and pay. His parents would be furious because it meant they had to clear the clutter, but these things needed to be done. Remember the really, really cold, snowy winter a few years ago? They had no heating. It was a simple repair, but the simple fact is, they are lazy and it was too much effort to organise it. He is very proactive. When he goes there to visit, he tells them to pick stuff up and put it in the bin and they do it (his mother tripped on debris on the stairs and ended up in hospital, so it is a health and safety issue). He is bossy and probably annoys them no end, but you have to be cruel to be kind. He is cruel and his brother is just as harsh, because someone needs to be. It isn't as bad downstairs as it used to be, but upstairs would frighten you. You would be lucky to see carpet.

While it is not easy, you and your brother need to have a conversation with your parents where you point out that things get more difficult, not easier as they get older and now is the time to take action.

On a side note, my OH told me recently that they discovered that his aunt was sleeping in a shed because she had hoarded so much that she couldn't actually sit or lie down in her house anymore, she could just move between the fridge/ sink/ cooker and toilet. There is obviously an underlying issue in his family, so honestly, some action is needed.

Rubberchikken

Through work over the years i have seen houses in a dreadful stare but the owners would be dolled up to the nines.
To see them you'd never believe the state of their home.
So my point is the condition of their home may not be important to them.

On the other hand i wear clean clothes but don't go overboard, but my home is in great condition.
That's my priority. Everyone's different.

Clean what you can. They're adults in good health with their own money, so they have to be allowed live as they wish.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Perhaps when your parents got the house they had not much money and had a few children to support but your right to saying at this stage they need to improve the house.

I would contact your brothers and sisters and tell them just how bad things have got in the house. Ask them if they could spare a some time at the weekends to help the parents with the house ie looking at paint, wallpaper ect.
I would get the whole family to call over to the house at the same time and tell your parents that you have all noticed that a lot of things need to be repaired and replaced.

Get your bother to tell them he is getting married and that if he has children he won't bring them into the house due to the state of it.
I would then tell your mother and father I will ring your sisters and tell them to call over to see the place. If they have sisters/relatives they will all come in and comment - Mary do you not think it is time to replace that sofa you got that when John was born 20 years ago or god you still have the nylon carpet ect.
If they don't have sisters get some friends to come in who will tell them it is time to spend a bit of money on the place.

Your mother might be complaining to your father about the house for a while but his attitude might be we don't have the money or sure it is grand. I am sure if you all start to complain about the house it is will make him do things.

I would say to your parents that other people of there age have comfortable homes or are spending money to make there house comfortable/warm as they get older. Also the longer they leave things the more it will cost to repair and replace things.

I have relatives and family friends with older homes and before they retired they spent money doing them up.
This would have included things like painting them, getting in better heating systems, oil/gas stoves instead of solid flue and insulation or new windows.