Troubled sister

SeanJ09

My parents are having awful trouble with my sister. She is 26 years old and lives at home. She has always been a troubled individual, suffering from depression, anxiety and probably other things, but the last few years her behavior has deteriorated further due to having to work unsociable hours and being unable to secure a job related to her college education.
When we were younger, she was always horrible to me, pretty much a bully. She is now treating my parents the same way, blaming them for all her troubles and personal issues. I suppose such behavior would range from outright verbal assaults, to occasional minor physical assaults(throwing plates, cups etc.), insulting body language/gestures to pretty much trying to take over the house(preveting my parents from watching the tv). My dad is nearly 70 now and my mam is a few years younger. At their age, it is awful that they have to put up with this. They have tried on numerous occasions to get the local gp to talk to her, but she refuses. They are also afraid to ask her to leave the house, fearful of what she might do to herself. It seems to me that she is in a constant downward spiral, and is actually determined to bring my parents down with her.
Any advice guys on how to to deal with her and help her?

dar100

Your sister needs professional help OP. Maybe a therapist would be best.

However, these behavioural issues cannot be blamed on her mental health problems, your parents need to put down some strong boundaries with her. They can't be held hostage in their own home

SeanJ09

dar100 wrote: »

Your sister needs professional help OP. Maybe a therapist would be best.

However, these behavioural issues cannot be blamed on her mental health problems, your parents need to put down some strong boundaries with her. They can't be held hostage in their own home

Its gone to the stage where she won't listen to anything they try to say to her. It is impossible to reason with her due to a lack of maturity. If they tried to put down some strong boundaries as you say with her, it would result in a terrible episode from her. My parents are basically living in fear of setting her off. Ya, she definitely needs a therapist as I believe my parents cannot do anything for her at this stage. However, I doubt she would be willing to see one because of again of a lack of maturity to actually sort herself out. And we can't exactly force her to see one?

LemonWorld

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about your problem. I'm in a similar situation with a family member and unfortunately I'm all too familiar with the dilemmas you're facing.

The refusal to seek help is incredibly frustrating. I get really annoyed when people tell me "she needs help" - I know they mean well and are just trying to help, but fcuking hell do you think I don't already know she needs help?! What people don't understand is that when you actually look at the options available, they all fundamentally rely on her wanting to change herself. What do you do when she doesn't even want to accept help or change?! I would sell a kidney for the answer to that question, OP!

Things that have helped somewhat for my family included my mother seeing a counsellor. She's the one who tends to bare the brunt of the most of it, so some professional guidance has helped her to deal with her feelings and deal with my sister a bit better. Our family environment was a bit fragmented to start with as my parents are separated and wouldn't really even be on speaking terms most of the times, but one day after it all came to a head we all sat down and had a big discussion on how everyone felt about things, and how we should act from thereon in. It wasn't the most pleasant family chat I'll admit, but it's good to know you're all on the same page and in it together. Sort of takes the pressure off a bit.

LegacyUser

op why does your sister blame your parents? does she feel they neglected her?


ii was the same as your sister once but in my case i really angry with my parents especially my mum. she fobbed me off which made me even more angry

SeanJ09

She seems convinced that they neglected alright I suppose, which isn't true I'm afraid. Most parents wouldn't put up with the crap she has supplied the last few years. The only thing they have done wrong in my opinion is not being more stern/strict with her when she was younger. They kind of let her away with a lot when she was younger, for example being an absolute pr**k to me. She is now treating my parents the same way she treated me when I was younger, with little respect.

ahnow

Hi op, it might be worth shifting perspective on this for a second.

Ive been in a similar situation as well, where I was absolutely furious with my parents, and desperate for them to understand where I was coming from to the point where I would lash out. What made it ten times worse was being fobbed off, my feelings dismissed causing huge eruptions in my desperation and frustration to get them on the same page as me.
It's curious that you say she's immature and that's part of the reason that's happening. I wonder, if that is a similar reaction your parents would have when she lashes out? Because it dismisses what she's trying to get across, and dismisses her feelings as immature and therefore not valid. You also said she feels neglected by her parents, and then you go on to say but she wasn't. So you're basically telling her she's wrong to feel what she's feeling...which invalidates her feelings again.
Imagine getting into a confrontation with her and you were upset about her bullying you, and she turned it around and told you that you were wrong, and that she never bullied you. Imagine the frustration and outrage you would feel at such a statement, because I imagine that might give some insight into how she may be feeling.
I would recommend reading up a bit on family dynamics. She might not agree to group counselling, but it might be worth a try. You all seem to be seeing her as the problem-because she's the one kicking up the fuss, but there's some part of her by the sounds of it that really needs to be heard, and perhaps a shift in how the whole family operates and listens to each other might help.