Stuck in a rut forever?

LegacyUser

I don't really know where to start, but I will try and be brief and condense all this into something that's not 10 paragraphs long.

I'm 23 years old and male. Currently unemployed and have been since after I repeated my leaving when I was 19, so that's 4 years. I know that's so shocking and it's embarrassing and humiliating to admit, but yeah. Life is pretty much in shambles. My family is a complete mess (one side don't talk to the other). My mother has been a full blown alcoholic since I was 17 (not an exaggeration, went through years and years of stress and depression because of it, think I still do). I don't have a relationship with her as over the last 5 years, so much blood sweat and tears has been put into helping her but she doesn't care. She lives with her bf and she also left her job when I was 17 to commit to full time alcoholism and throwing her life down the drain. This was when I was in 4th year in school. I am the middle child, so when this happened at age 17, my older sister and brother (who were 20 and 21 at the time) were off working full time jobs and living their own lives, so I pretty much took the brunt of it. I have 2 younger siblings (at the time who were 16 and 12), so I was the one who took the majority of the burden and pain from my mother suddenly becoming this way. She wasn't too bad at the start but it escalated, when I was 18 and doing my leaving I finally decided to tell my brother and sister but they didn't really help or care. Long story short, the family came together and tried to help her, but it didn't end up working. Over the course of the next 5 years there was nothing but arguing and family breakups, tragedy and dramatics, etc. I was 19 at the time and finished up my second leaving, as I repeated, and ended up getting a decent leaving

By that time my mother had left her job and abandoned everything, and moved away. She was not supporting me at age 17 (or my younger siblings), and it ended up that my uncle ended up taking care of us while we were still in school. My older brother and sister lived their own lives and didn't really do much. My dad is a non existent figurehead in the family so my mother is/was my only parent and dependant. Fast forward to me when I was 19, after doing the leaving. I tried to go to college but even with grants and stuff, I simply could not afford it. My younger sister was still in secondary school and my younger brother was in the same boat. I didn't know what to do as I knew I wasn't going to college, so I signed on and tried to find work to help support my younger siblings. I never once found anything even though I tried so hard for that year. I was distraught and really, really depressed over everything that had been happening for the last 2 years or so, it all happened so fast and everything kinda caved in

The rest of the family pretty much abandoned us and said we were old enough to fend for ourselves, even though I was the only one old enough to fend for myself. I was left to look after my 2 younger siblings while trying to keep my own and not going insane from all the pressure and upset I was facing every day. I ended up speaking to therapists as I was so upset. I took anti depressants for the guts of 2 years and had lots of therapy in that time span too. It helped me somewhat but I still am stuck in this rut I have been in, since 4 years ago.

Fast forward to today, I have no clue what to do. I know my depression and feelings are no excuse for me not to work, that just makes it harder to motivate myself, but it is just so hard. I'm just in the exact situation I have been in the last years. Nothing has changed. Right now, my younger sister has just finished up her leaving (she has also repeated), me and my brother basically put her through school, no help from the family. My younger brother and I are in the same boat together, on the social and barely scraping by each week with no one to help us. After I look after all the bills and put food on the table each week, I don't have a tenner left over for myself. That doesn't bother me because I know I'm helping my family. I know we're lads in our 20s, but I just think our situation is just so unfair and hard to get out of. We've both been to plenty of job interviews but no one has ever taken us on.

I don't know what to do. Most people my age are graduating from college and emigrating, living their lives. and while I am very jealous that they likely had families and loved ones who supported them and helped them, I know they worked for that, so fair play. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can go to college ever, it's what I would like to do best as it would give me the best shot at happiness and success in life, compared to where I am now. I simply cannot afford it. Even with a grant, weekly cost of transport, bills (and with water bills coming in January), food, rent etc, I wouldn't be able to. That's assuming I get into college, I applied to the CAO and sent off a grant application to cover all bases, but I know I won't be afforded the opportunity at what I want to do, because of how crazy my family is and how messed up my life is

I cry pretty much every day over this. I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. My life is very anti social and lacking because of this too. I feel like at this age I want to do what I want, but it's just extremely hard for me. I am in the prime of my life but it doesn't feel this way. I don't want to look back and have regrets that I missed something I could have and should have done, so I want to make sure I exhaust all options. It took me a long time to type all this out, as I find it almost impossible to share this much personal info, as I am afraid of being judged. I just want to change and be the person I want to be but I don't know where to start, I don't want my life to waste away, I'm just so upset and don't have a clue what to do

Thanks to anyone who was kind enough to take the time to read this and not judge my situation.

tenifan

Having parents who are always "there" isn't a good thing either. My dad was and still is the single most devastating thing in my life. So faraway hills are greener.

College is probably a massive waste of time and money, unless you have a particular career in mind that requires a degree. Even then, there's no guarantee of a job.

For your own sanity, see if there's anything you can turn your hand to in the meatime. Get a lawnmower and strimmer and go door-to-door asking people do they need their grass cut. Or painting. Look up a few tutorials online.. you don't have to be particularly good or fast, just honest and hardworking including putting in a long day until you get a good reputation.

Make the most of your free time by throwing yourself into hobbies: kickboxing, cycling ,etc. You'll get talking to people and making contacts and friends.

You're 23. You're the perfect age for starting out. Just do your best.

Rubberchikken

Would you be able to do a plc course for this year? Back to education allowance would help and there is only a reasonably small fee to pay to the college.

If this doesn't appeal, why not try some volunteer work for the moment? It's a great way of building friendships/contacts and the good you would be doing is beneficial to everyone involved.

I'm sorry to read about your family issues. You and your siblings have been dealt a tough hand but you can come out of this it'll just take time and effort abd you sound like someone who isn't afraid to put in the effort.

Good luck

cjlawlor

Recognising you are in a rut and wanting to do something about it is half the battle so fair play for coming on here to talk about it. Doing a plc course seems like a very good suggestion - it would only be a short term thing and a good test to see if you might go on to further education. You'll get through the tough times and get out the other side a better person because of it. People are happy to help so just ask away and things will get better. Aware is a fantastic organisation who will help set you on track. It's all about recognising the obstacles and gaining some perspective. There are issues and problems we all have to deal with from time to time and talking through things helps us to gain some perspective. Give Aware a shout first I reckon. Then look at some plc courses. Something fun that might lead to making new friends with mutual interests perhaps? Finding a common goal with some new people is a great way to drive things forward. Good luck anyway and take care.

LegacyUser

OP I understand exactly where you are coming from and how a difficult family situation can take it's toll. One thing that stood out for me is that you haven't actually been unemployed. You have been working as a full time carer. Don't discount this experience as having no value. You haven't mentioned what exact area of work you are interested in pursuing but does working in the caring sector appeal to? There is actually a demand for this type of work particularly around caring for the elderly through private care agencies. You would need to complete a FETAC Level 5 as a minimum to enter this area. It's possible to get funding for courses through the local Jobs Facilitator in the Department of Social Protection. You could also apply for a FAS CE Scheme in a caring type role and complete the FETAC Level 5 under the CE Scheme. Once you have built up some experience you could then begin applying for paid positions or return to college and pursue a diploma or degree in Social Care or even nursing if that appealed to you.

What I am trying to show you is that all is not lost and you have options. It is very possible to turn your life around and pursue a career path based on the experience you already have. You still have your whole life ahead of you. It is not too late. I wish you the very best of luck and hope you find the happiness you deserve.