Should I make an effort or cut them off?

LegacyUser

Long time user but going unreg for this one

There is one couple who are friends of my partners who just do not like me.
This has been the case for as long as I remember.

I get on well with all his other friends and their girlfriends - however this one couple are draining to me. I dont have to see them often but when I do it is a massive effort.

I asked the girlfriend the other night would it be possible to clear the air and for both of us to make more of an effort for the sake of the friendship of the two guys. She then just ranted on at me about an issue that happened 2 years ago that had nothing to do with her... I told her I did not want an argument and me any my partner left.

I would prefer that I did not have to deal with these people anymore. Is it possible to just stop talking to them. I have no issue with my partner continuing his friendship however I am just not able to put on this pretend face/act anymore - I just don't have the energy for all this falseness.

If this was one of my own friends causing me this much distress I would have cut them off long ago - but because they are my partners friends I have always felt obligated to make the effort.

Any advice is appreciated..

Tokyo

drainedgirl wrote: »

I have no issue with my partner continuing his friendship however I am just not able to put on this pretend face/act anymore - I just don't have the energy for all this falseness.

This seems like the healthiest approach to the entire situation to be honest. From what you've said it sounds like you have made distinct efforts to try and clear the air and be amicable, if not friendly, and you've had that thrown back in your face. At this stage it sounds like the only course of action available to you is to cut all pretence and sever ties with this person.

One question though - what is your partner's opinion in all of this? Has he made any attempt at having your back here, or has he just sat on the sidelines hoping it would work itself out? I would hope that he had your back to a certain degree at least...

LegacyUser

He will admit that there has always been an issue there but is not sure himself what it is.
At the beginning he just put it down to - "oh thats just the way he is".. however he has come to realise that it is more that that - equally now that guys girlfriend is as bad.

My partner is extremely quiet and only ever sees the good in people, he is probably the most non-confrontational person that I've ever known, to the point that I do feel at times that he should have maybe stepped in and said something.

Little bit of background

After meeting this friend only for a few weeks he used to constantly salute me not by name but as - Hi R*t**d!!! - then laugh.. I didn't find this in any way an appropriate way to salute anyone. Also I was the only person he used to salute like this. I brushed it off for months, this couple also cannot whisper and I used to hear them discussing me right in front of me - again ignored this for the sake of peace!

Since Fri I havent really seen my partner properly due to work commitments ( he works nights I work days) we have talked on phone etc but it was never an appropriate time to bring up the subject. However I want to have a chat with him tonight to tell him that I feel it best if I Just cut off from these people and just completely ignore them from now on. I'm just hoping this wont upset him as he is genuinely the nicest guy in the world who never wants to have a falling out with anyone. Also these people went through my phone at the weekend so truth be told - If I could never see them again - it would be way too soon..

LegacyUser

I was out with a good friend the other night. I hadn't seen him since before Christmas and he's a good friend living only 30 mins away.

That's how easy it would be not to see people you do like.

So, just think how easy it would be to stop seeing someone you don't get on with.

Just stop engaging - once you do you are giving over power.

If your bf is friends with them, let him do his thing with them.

LegacyUser

drainedgirl wrote: »

Also these people went through my phone at the weekend so truth be told - If I could never see them again - it would be way too soon..

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT why did they go through your phone or why did you even allow them do this? Also what happened that they are so nasty to you and your partner.

While your partner might sound like a nice person and hates confrontation these two so called "friends" are walking all over him. Cut them loose, you are wasting your energy just thinking about them. I can't believe they went through your phone!

miamee

OP it sounds like you have been ignoring their jibes, name calling and general rudeness so far and now you plan to continue ignoring them - this won't stop them unless you can avoid being in their company altogether. If you cannot, I'd suggest being very direct with them and tell them you are not putting up with their crap any more. They can either make amends and have a fresh start or get stuffed but you are not willing to let things continue as they are.

drainedgirl

drainedgirl wrote: »

My partner is extremely quiet and only ever sees the good in people, he is probably the most non-confrontational person that I've ever known, to the point that I do feel at times that he should have maybe stepped in and said something. .

Non confrontational to save his own skin when he should be saying "you know, this isn't okay" isn't great

How on earth did they get near your phone?

Barely There

drainedgirl wrote: »

After meeting this friend only for a few weeks he used to constantly salute me not by name but as - Hi R*t**d!!! - then laugh.. I didn't find this in any way an appropriate way to salute anyone. Also I was the only person he used to salute like this. I brushed it off for months,

Why would you allow someone to call you a retard for months without tackling them on it?
Why would your boyfriend allow this?

It sounds really strange.

Tokyo

drainedgirl wrote: »

Little bit of background

After meeting this friend only for a few weeks he used to constantly salute me not by name but as - Hi R*t**d!!! - then laugh...

I used to hear them discussing me right in front of me - again ignored this for the sake of peace....

Also these people went through my phone at the weekend so truth be told - If I could never see them again...

Yeah, this is a lot more confrontational than what you let on in your first post, and these so-called friends have crossed the line and kept going. To be honest your boyfriend is somewhat at fault here too if he's just allowing his friends to treat his girlfriend like that and say nothing - this is the kind of behaviour that would have a lot of guys going in with both fists swinging, myself included, truth be told.

There's no "I need to find the right time to broach this with my boyfriend because he's not confrontational" here - you need to sit him down and tell him under no uncertain terms that his friends are being complete and utter dicks towards you and you want nothing to do with them in future. What he does is up to him, but anyone with an ounce of common sense would see them for what they are, and want nothing to do with them.

Faith

Didn't you have a thread about this recently - one of the couple is related to your boyfriend? I think you got great advice on that thread, but you've obviously not taken it.

Yes, if you can cut them out, then do so, if you think that will help.

LegacyUser

without saying too much I left my bag behind when walking away from what I felt was turning into an argument last weekend. when I checked the next morning on my partners phone - I could see that my whatsapp (which I use more than text messaging) was online..I checked this after several minutes and it went between being last active 5 mins ago - to being online again.. This to the best of my knowledge will only happen once you have opened the app.

I am going to tell my OH that I want nothing further to do with them tonight. Even though I dont see them that often anymore - its almost as if I have to prepare myself for when we meet. that shouldnt really have to be the case with anyone.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Didn't you have a thread about this recently - one of the couple is related to your boyfriend? I think you got great advice on that thread, but you've obviously not taken it.

Yes, if you can cut them out, then do so, if you think that will help.

No this is my first post regarding this. But I would like to see how they dealt with this is the end. I will look through previous threads. Thank you

Merkin

There's a big difference between being non confrontational and then just taking abuse lying down. I know if anyone spoke to me in the fashion described by you my husband wouldn't stand for a moment of it. We're a team and would defend one another to the nth degree so I can't fathom how your boyfriend would even be friends with these people when they treat you like this? What is his take on all of this?

Faith

drainedgirl wrote: »

No this is my first post regarding this. But I would like to see how they dealt with this is the end. I will look through previous threads. Thank you

My mistake. There was an eerily similar thread a couple of months ago that you should read if you can find it, where the deeper issue was actually that the poster's boyfriend was refusing to stand up for her, and allowed the other couple to abuse her quite badly in front of him.

How does your partner react when they are rude and abusive to you? It should be that he forcefully stands up for you, and will tell them to cut it out or he can no longer be friends with them.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think the WhatsApp thing is proof enough that they went through your phone... Unless they still had your phone the next morning? Did you leave your bag behind that night, and only realised the next morning?

Anyway, making an issue out of the phone thing is a bit silly though considering the catalogue of other reasons you have for never having anything to do with them again.

There will never be a time when you have to be in their company. So just stop. Don't go out with them. Don't be polite or civil to them if you happen to bump into them, just treat them as you would any random stranger in the street. Walk past them and carry on with your business.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't think the WhatsApp thing is proof enough that they went through your phone... Unless they still had your phone the next morning?

Yes they did have my phone the next morning. My whatsapp said I was active at 10.30am - at this time I was at home in bed. I had left my bag behind, I realised it when I was just getting into taxi but decided to leave it until the next morning as I didnt want to go back and face into more drama. It never crossed my mind that someone would even consider opening my bag as they would have known who owned it.

I do realise that the phone is only a minor issue in the greater scheme of things. Hopefully after my chat with my OH tonight that I will never have to deal with this issue again.

Thanks for all your help

Santa Cruz

Life is too short to be putting up with this ****e. Just don't have anything to do with them even if it means your partner has to socialise with them alone. If they are causing you hardship your partner should grow up and support you