I am attracted to my cousin - am i sick?

Arnold Tanzarian

I am 26 and she is 27. I only found out she was my cousin 2 years ago, and had never met her before. but through the medium of a few family events recently I have gotten to know the girl more. I seem to get on great with her, but she is drop dead gorgeous to look at I find myself actually having sexual feelings towards her. I havent ever acted on these, but I am afraid if i ever got too drunk in her presence I might actually act on these feelings. I am horrified like i havent told anybody but she is in my mind quiet a lot recently, and i find myself fantasizing about her now also. I am not some kind of weirdo either incase any of you are thinking that, Iv had girlfriends before and chasing women is never a problem for me. But like i said im very afraid id act on the previous stated feelings towards this girl if in her presence drunk again. what do i do? avoid her?

Pawn

You are not sick. Whether it's ethic or not is a different story.

sassyj

I know of first cousins that are married -like you didn't meet til later life and started going out

Sauve

mod

Hi OP,
I am going to move your thread to the Relationship Issues forum, I think you'll get better advice there.

Sauve.

desbrook

Just to be clear are we talking first cousins here OP?

Arnold Tanzarian

desbrook wrote: »

Just to be clear are we talking first cousins here OP?

yeah man first cousins

CaraMay

The families can't be that close if you only met her 2 years ago. I don't think it's worth the hassle given the likely sh1t storm that would happen once the families find out. Or you could be like Ross in friends where he makes a pass at his cousin and she freaks out. Do you want your whole family to know you as the creepy cousin guy?

Bottom line, it's very unlikely to work out so redirect those fantasies to girls you aren't related to. Life is too short to make if so difficult. I think you should avoid her totally until your feelings have dissolved.

Karen8

Arnold Tanzarian wrote: »

im very afraid id act on the previous stated feelings towards this girl if in her presence drunk again. what do i do? avoid her?

Yes. Avoid her or avoid alcohol in her presence if you can't control yourself while drunk.

Da Shins Kelly

Stay well away. Can't see the rest of the family really being on board with this.

LegacyUser

It's called genetic sexual attraction I did an essay on it once. It's very common amongst adoptees who meet siblings for the first time. People tend to select mates that are like themselves; this is known as assortative mating. This holds both for physical appearances and mental traits. People commonly rank faces similar to their own as more attractive, trustworthy.
Genetic sexual attraction is presumed to occur as a consequence of genetic relatives meeting as adults, typically as a consequence of adoption. Although this is a rare consequence of adoptive reunions, the large number of adoptive reunions in recent years means that a larger number of people are affected.GSA is rare between people raised together in early childhood due to a reverse sexual imprinting known as the Westermarck effect, which desensitizes them to later close sexual attraction. It is hypothesized that this effect evolved to prevent inbreeding

Basically to prevent inbreeding you don't feel sexual attraction for people you see as children or it would be bad for the population.

It is common. Don't worry about it. But you must never act on it.

In case studies it has been described as powerful attraction but it does wear off over time.

People experience deep sexual attraction for those whose genes would make a good match. Genes with similarity but obviously inbreeding is not healthy so you are programmed to have a deep reverse sexual imprinting for those you see as children and relative. If you see someone whose genes are similar to your own and you have had a familial separation it is common for misplaced sexual attraction to occur. It is sadly more common in siblings. Counselling is helpful.

It is not because you have anything in common. Don't feel guilty about it. Don't feel bad. But you must understand that this would be a very damaging thing for you to peruse. I hope that by understanding it you can temper it until it subsides.

It must be alarming I hope this info can help you feel better. NEVER ACT ON IT. But don't feel bad it is very very common I think the stats are something two thirds of reunited siblings experience it to some degree. But it is obviously very emotionally damaging.

Basically it is your genes tricking you. If you had a similar feeling for an unrelated they would be trying to tell you that you would make a grand baby. But this time they are very wrong and usually reverse sexual imprinting from adult relationships can take over.

Sometimes genetic attraction is not even sexual ....people who are related but don't know it feel a connection of some sort. Basically these feelings are in a way saying that she is your cousin and your body is getting a bit confused. Don't worry about it will pass.


Google genetic sexual attraction. It might help you.


It is largely the reason for love /lust at first sight stories I think. People see someone (unrelated ) and there is a 'thing' bam, genetics somewhere along the line that person picked up a gene or two that would send yours on fire.

http://reunion.adoption.com/adoption-records/genetic-sexual-attraction.html Experienced between mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, and between more distant relatives, but most common between siblings of opposite sex who bear a close resemblance. It takes the form of an overpowering, almost electrical grip of emotion, associated with an inability to keep away from the other person and an almost primordial sense of having belonged together all their lives. The attraction gives rise to a sense of underlying shame and guilt, together with a feeling of rejection that may prevent effective communication because the emotions are too threatening to share with anyone. This may be compounded by any sexual relationship resulting from the attraction.

Basically your body is confused because you were not raised with her. And is reading it wrong.

Strong feelings of attraction are not abnormal.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Recognize the initial excitement for what it is: the first rush and thrill of reunion, and the birth of love for family.
Remember that relationships take time to develop, and that goes for long-separated birth family members as well. Time will serve to settle the relationship in its proper context.

http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/the-risk-of-genetic-sexual-attraction-for-adoptees-and-birth-parents-in-reuinons/

Don't act on it understand it. You will feel these feelings again for someone unrelated and in the proper context. Don't be alarmed and don't feel guilty. But remember you must understand that you would emotionally upset yourself deeply by perusing a relative. And you have been needlessly distressed enough.

I would remind yourself you will feel this again for someone unrelated and that this will settle down.

OP - there is nothing wrong or sick about "feelings". Only what you do with them. I see nothing ethically wrong with a consentual two way relationship between cousins. Nor do I see anything "wrong" with your feelings towards her either.

You suggest you have an inability to conduct or control yourself as you might wish to when drunk. Perhaps this is more of an issue worthy of being addressed than any sexual feelings you have towards an attractive member of the opposite sex? Perhaps you need to look at - and question - your relationship with alcohol at all?

I have sexual feelings towards all kinds of people. I simply do not act on them and I am in full control of my self resstraint and how I conduct myself - at all times - even when engaging in alcohol or mild drugs.

Sexual attraction towards a cousin therefore is likely not your main issue here - but your self discipline and the ratio of your control over your emotions and impulses compared to their control over you.

Hannibal Smith

You're not the first to be in this situation. A friend of mine had a full on sexual relationship with his cousin. I was the only one he told. Both in their 30s. They ended it because of all the stigma around it. Like yourself there was a split in the family and they only met in their adult life, were attracted to each other and went for it lol. I remember him telling me because he felt sick over it, but we Googled and apparently its quite common. You're not sick at all though people's gut reactions might say different.

Anyhow it came to an end because they couldn't even entertain the idea of telling people.

So...if it's just something you'd like to explore and she feels the same. ..could you see yourself eventually telling other people? If its a resounding no, don't get involved its not worth it.

kiffer

What Don't Panic Don't Panic said is pretty much what I was going to say, you're not sick, you logically know she's your cousin but to your body/hind brain she's an attractive person who is like you but you've never met before and so is fair game.

So you're not sick, and while I wouldn't be so harsh as Don't Panic and say "never ever ever" I would say treat this crush like you would a crush on someone else it would be bad to pursue/who is out of bounds... like a friend's GF or wife, your boss's daughter. It'll fade soon enough.

The stigma against coupling with cousins is there for a reason but that reason is often a little over blown.
Children of cousins are twice as likely to have a birth defect... twice sounds bad, except you are doubling a small number. 1.5% becomes 3%.
More generations of cousins marrying rack up higher and higher chances of problems and here in Ireland we have a lot of hemophilia and so on so it's a pretty bad idea... but in the past it wasn't nearly as frowned on and even today in some countries as many as 25% of marriages are between first cousins.

Long story short, you're normal, avoiding pursuing even if she seems interested, if you do then be aware of the stigma.

kjl

why would you think you are sick, you only met her 2 years ago, it's not like you grew up together. If you is attractive, you can be attracted to her. I don't see the problem.

brooke 2

kjl wrote: »

why would you think you are sick, you only met her 2 years ago, it's not like you grew up together. If you is attractive, you can be attracted to her. I don't see the problem.

You can fall in love with anyone - first cousin; friend's G/F; boss's wife, etc.
It is the choices you subsequently make which can irreversibly affect your life!!