So Tormented,advice needed please,

Zara 14

This is a bit long just need somewhere to get it all out.I left my partner due to his mental abuse.It escalated when our son was born whos six now.I paid for leaving him dearly cause no one ever leaves him ! I have raised my son single handed for six years with him constantly letting him down.

I have not been able to be in another realtionship cause he practically destroyed me and i attend counselling to work this out.I have lived with his constant threats for years if i dare to pull him up on him letting down his son or over maintenence etc. I mean you would not believe how cruel he is even if his child got a bump on a bouncy castle he goes into rages saying im a bad mother and he needs to report me to welfare and get him taken off me.

Over the past three months its getting so bad he hardly ever sees his son and when i ring him to challenge him that his son is so upset i get called a cu** a dirty knack** .I tell him then he can go to court and he threatnens me to burn my house down or slit my throat.I dont have any family and i am so scared of him and please dont anyone say ring the guards have done and they didnt want to know because he actually has not hit me!Hes not afraid of them anyway he assaulted one before where he comes from over smashing his exes bedroom window in and she in bed.I did not know any of these when i was with him it came out later when i left.

To end this now my son came home from an overnite 4 weeks ago and just came out with ' Daddy locked me in the bedroom and i scremed to get out and he let me out'. I am devastated over this and so confused i know there are no locks on the doors but why would he say such a thing and when i gently ask him was daddy angry when he done it one minute he says yes and the next minute he says no it was a game.He has never said anything like this before anyhow i stopped all access and when i rang him and asked he said i put the child up to it and i was evil dirty knack** again and again.he said he will ring welfare definatly on me now and destroy me and tell them that hes son told him i stick needles in myself and begs him not to let him go home to me.

I do not do drugs and my son loves me i provide everything for him .Hes father never as much as bought him a pair of socks.God im so afraid what he is going to do to me i didnt do this my son said it to me now this man is going to destroy me .He even has the cheek to say poor him i abuse him so much o god what is he doing.He is twisted and turning everything backwards.I am the most kindest person you could meet this man has destroyed me these days i look haggard and my hair is falling out i just feel so hurt and confused.to make things worse his son keeps begging to go to him cause he misses him but how can i when he said that ?

Has anyone got any advice please id appreciate it thank you

Ave Sodalis

Don't allow your son near his father again. You have every right to stay well away from him and for your sake and more importantly, for the sake of your son, do it. Move if you have to. Make a complaint to Women's Aid or a similar organisation that he is continuing to abuse and threaten you so you have a statement. I would even go to the Gardai about it, and the doctor about the hair loss. Get it down on paper that he has been abusing you. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical. Then leave. Pack your bags and get away from somebody as damaging and twisted as your ex.

pinkbear

You poor thing Zara_14. You have been through a lot.

I can't really comment on the legal/access side of things, as I have now experience or knowledge, but from a human/ personal point of view I would recommend the following:
- He sounds like he has real anger management issues. Therefore you should really try not to make him angry at all for your own safety. Even if he is being unreasonable, I think you should give into him a bit, as your safety and your son's safety are far more important than being "right". If in doubt in a given situation, ask yourself "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?"
- Your son is better off without him in his life. So if your ex doesn't turn up for access, don't phone him to challenge him as you've been doing. Just leave it and be glad.
- Write a letter to the gardaí stating everything he has done that's illegal / threatening. Keep it as factual as possible, with as much information as possible. Leave out about his bad language or names he called you, but instead a diary like "August 2014, threatened to report me to welfare for doing drugs (even though I don't). 5th July 2013, threatened to burn my house down and slit my throat. etc." Tell the gardaí that even if they can't arrest him or talk to him based on this, you would like the letter filed for future reference. Keep detailed diaries about further events, even recording phone conversations if necessary.
- Take a copy of your letter and seek free legal aid. Perhaps a solicitor will have better advice for you.
- Don't stop access based on stories from your son where his safety is not at risk. When my children were little, if they were having tantrums, I occasionally stuck them in their rooms and held the doors closed for a minute or two to let them calm down, and to let me calm down and have a moment's breather from the situation. It may not have been the best parenting in the world but they were not in danger. I know my neighbour used this tactic all the time and I would hear the kids screaming blue murder, but still they were not in danger. If he has court approved access, you should stick to that, or only withdraw it if your son tells you something that's dangerous or illegal.
- You say you don't have any family. Surely you have some family somewhere that you could turn to? Hopefully someone who is happy and confident in themselves, as you don't want involving someone who could make things worse. Or perhaps a friend or a neighbour? Some recently qualified counsellors offer free or low cost counselling. I know you said you already attend counselling, but maybe a second opinion would be helpful.
- Take care of yourself mentally. I would highly recommend you do meditation and a mindfulness course. Mindfulness is about paying attention to your senses in the moment, and not ruminating on bad thoughts. Even concentrating on your breath a few times a day give you space mentally from your situation, and reduces the thought patterns that are upsetting you. It won't solve all your problems, but it does have the power to start turning your life around a little. You start responding rather than reacting, you start smiling a little more which relaxes the nervous system so you feel a bit less stressed and more likely to have fun with your son, and bit by bit a positive spiral starts occurring. Your ex is obviously a nasty piece of work, but you have got to be a strong and positive person in yourself, and you have the power to do that. Gradually his effect on your life will reduce.
I wish you all the best.

Zara 14

sup_dude wrote: »

Don't allow your son near his father again. You have every right to stay well away from him and for your sake and more importantly, for the sake of your son, do it. Move if you have to. Make a complaint to Women's Aid or a similar organisation that he is continuing to abuse and threaten you so you have a statement. I would even go to the Gardai about it, and the doctor about the hair loss. Get it down on paper that he has been abusing you. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical. Then leave. Pack your bags and get away from somebody as damaging and twisted as your ex.

Thank you for your reply and advice but i have been to the guards and they just dismiss me i live in a very small town you know the kind i mean then i tried to take the complaints to a bigger garda station but was told i had to go back to the one i came from!

Zara 14

pinkbear wrote: »

You poor thing Zara_14. You have been through a lot.

I can't really comment on the legal/access side of things, as I have now experience or knowledge, but from a human/ personal point of view I would recommend the following:
- He sounds like he has real anger management issues. Therefore you should really try not to make him angry at all for your own safety. Even if he is being unreasonable, I think you should give into him a bit, as your safety and your son's safety are far more important than being "right". If in doubt in a given situation, ask yourself "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?"
- Your son is better off without him in his life. So if your ex doesn't turn up for access, don't phone him to challenge him as you've been doing. Just leave it and be glad.
- Write a letter to the gardaí stating everything he has done that's illegal / threatening. Keep it as factual as possible, with as much information as possible. Leave out about his bad language or names he called you, but instead a diary like "August 2014, threatened to report me to welfare for doing drugs (even though I don't). 5th July 2013, threatened to burn my house down and slit my throat. etc." Tell the gardaí that even if they can't arrest him or talk to him based on this, you would like the letter filed for future reference. Keep detailed diaries about further events, even recording phone conversations if necessary.
- Take a copy of your letter and seek free legal aid. Perhaps a solicitor will have better advice for you.
- Don't stop access based on stories from your son where his safety is not at risk. When my children were little, if they were having tantrums, I occasionally stuck them in their rooms and held the doors closed for a minute or two to let them calm down, and to let me calm down and have a moment's breather from the situation. It may not have been the best parenting in the world but they were not in danger. I know my neighbour used this tactic all the time and I would hear the kids screaming blue murder, but still they were not in danger. If he has court approved access, you should stick to that, or only withdraw it if your son tells you something that's dangerous or illegal.
- You say you don't have any family. Surely you have some family somewhere that you could turn to? Hopefully someone who is happy and confident in themselves, as you don't want involving someone who could make things worse. Or perhaps a friend or a neighbour? Some recently qualified counsellors offer free or low cost counselling. I know you said you already attend counselling, but maybe a second opinion would be helpful.
- Take care of yourself mentally. I would highly recommend you do meditation and a mindfulness course. Mindfulness is about paying attention to your senses in the moment, and not ruminating on bad thoughts. Even concentrating on your breath a few times a day give you space mentally from your situation, and reduces the thought patterns that are upsetting you. It won't solve all your problems, but it does have the power to start turning your life around a little. You start responding rather than reacting, you start smiling a little more which relaxes the nervous system so you feel a bit less stressed and more likely to have fun with your son, and bit by bit a positive spiral starts occurring. Your ex is obviously a nasty piece of work, but you have got to be a strong and positive person in yourself, and you have the power to do that. Gradually his effect on your life will reduce.
I wish you all the best.

Thanks a million pink bear that was very helpful to me.You made alot of very good points but the thing about locking him in a room i gave him every chance to explain it to me but he just attacked like a visious dog calling me names.My son is terrified of being left alone in rooms even if im downstairs or in the toilet to a point he gets hysterical and i was thinking that maybe he has been doing this all along and my son never told me i just thought he doesnt like being left on his own.I mean if it was a case like you said then why is he reacting like this ?Anyhow im finished now because i said it to my counsellor the other day and she said she has to report it to welfare so i might as well start digging my grave god i am so scared i really am

ABajaninCork

If the Gards aren't taking the threats and nastiness seriously, then I'd make a complaint to the Superintendent of the station. Make an appointment to see him and make the complaint in writing. Take a friend or your Mum with you as support. If the Gards don't play ball? Start pestering the local TD!! Make then earn their corn for once...

I think Pink Bear's suggestion of a diary is a great one. Start writing down as much as you can remember and when. Take that in with you.

And no - you're not finished. Stop that kind of nonsense talk at once! You sound like a great mother. Take no notice of the idiot ex saying he'll report you to Welfare. What for? He knows he can't report you without proof. And from the sounds of it, he doesn't have any. He's just trying to bully and manipulate you - Again. If anything, report HIM to the Social Services for the way he 'takes care' of your son...

THEZAPPA

I'm sorry to hear you are going through. First off well done for leaving him.

I am the child from a similar story to you. My father was an emotional and physically abusive sociopath to my mom, brothers and I. When I was younger I did not understand what was going on but I did when I got older.

The gardai will do nothing and can't do anything without proof unfortunately. But they should keep a record of every time you call and report anything. Keep all the texts and record any calls from or to him. Keep proof of everything you pay for your child. I say this because you may need it someday. Say if you both own a house together or for child custody.

His threats are empty but none the less have proof for anything and everything in case he does.

I would stop calling him and challenging him to see his child. A man like him does not care unfortunately and never will. Your child will understand in the future as I did. Being around a man like that is very damaging for a child also. Social skills, issues later in life can manifest and thinking actions your parents do are normal when they are not. Anger issues, or finding a partner just like your parent is also a potential issue. The sooner a child is out of a toxic environment the better. I have no doubt your child's first statement about being locked in a room is true and currently has issues with being alone in rooms now as it has probably happened a few times.

I can understand you are scared, it is a scary situation to be in. Do you have any friends thwt could help you? Can you move away?