Expectations of God Parents

Yer Aul One

I wanted to get opinions on what parents expect from uncles/godfathers. I am uncle and godfather to a 4 year old. If I am being honest, I have been doing a pretty poor job. I give a bit of cash at xmas and birthdays but have never really bonded with the child.

Is this the norm or should I be making more of an effort? It does make me feel guilty but not enough to change things. Interested to get some parent's thoughts.

Sadderday

I'm the exact same as you. Godchild is 12, xmas and birthdays only really... maybe when shes a teenager i'll be more involved, shes at that annoying age atm.

A couple I know expect the godparents of their child to visit every week, to buy more expensive gifts than everyone else, to be available and want to babysit ... and they give out stink if one or any of these things don't happen.

Godparent is a load of bull, its lovely to be asked and its nice to be involved but I don't get where the expectations come from its all so OTT !

I feel guilty sometimes for not giving more money or buying a better gift because I'm the 'godmother'

I really don't think thats what its all supposed to be about !

Zubeneschamali

Yer Aul One wrote: »

Is this the norm or should I be making more of an effort?

Quite normal, it's an honorary position. I'm 50, and completely forgot who my godparents were while growing up.

eviltwin

Think it should be about what feels right for all involved rather than anything forced. I don't have much of a relationship with my nieces and nephews but I don't really have much of a relationship with their parents so popping around would feel really fake. I see them at family events and so on but that is about it.

amie91

Yer Aul One wrote: »

I wanted to get opinions on what parents expect from uncles/godfathers. I am uncle and godfather to a 4 year old. If I am being honest, I have been doing a pretty poor job. I give a bit of cash at xmas and birthdays but have never really bonded with the child.

Is this the norm or should I be making more of an effort? It does make me feel guilty but not enough to change things. Interested to get some parent's thoughts.

I am a godmother to two little boys, I take them very regularly for a day out, swimming, sleepover etc. After all if anything did happen the Parents god firbid you are the caretaker. Pull up them socks and get at it Cant go wrong with the Cinema

brooke 2

Sadderday wrote: »

I'm the exact same as you. Godchild is 12, xmas and birthdays only really... maybe when shes a teenager i'll be more involved, shes at that annoying age atm.

A couple I know expect the godparents of their child to visit every week, to buy more expensive gifts than everyone else, to be available and want to babysit ... and they give out stink if one or any of these things don't happen.

Godparent is a load of bull, its lovely to be asked and its nice to be involved but I don't get where the expectations come from its all so OTT !

I feel guilty sometimes for not giving more money or buying a better gift because I'm the 'godmother'

I really don't think thats what its all supposed to be about !

For some parents (mostly mothers!) Godparents are all about the money and
presents! One little relation of mine told me one Xmas that 'in this house we
have ordinary presents and godparent presents' ie, godparent was expected
to give two presents to the godchild!!

eviltwin

amie91 wrote: »

I am a godmother to two little boys, I take them very regularly for a day out, swimming, sleepover etc. After all if anything did happen the Parents god firbid you are the caretaker. Pull up them socks and get at it Cant go wrong with the Cinema

no you are not the caretaker, its a spiritual role, it has no legal standing

amie91

brooke 2 wrote: »

For some parents (mostly mothers!) Godparents are all about the money and
presents! One little relation of mine told me one Xmas that 'in this house we
have ordinary presents and godparent presents' ie, godparent was expected
to give two presents to the godchild!!

It costs nothing to bring a child to the park .. If your not willing to make an effort with the child don't take the role of being a godparent. A gift wont break the bank either why not buy tickets for something that you can have bonding time with the godchild. I just cant understand it

Sadderday

If a family have three children and you are godparent to one,

it's hardly fair to treat one different is it?, and its expensive nowadays to be splashing out for three children....

I think family is different... you just do what an aunt/uncle would normally do

I've heard loads of stories about friends asking friends to be godparent and then drift apart.

My brother is my godfather.... it's no different to the relationship I have with my other brothers... never was either.

January

Whatever about being a godfather, as an uncle you should definitely be making an effort to bond with the child.

miamee

I am godmother to my best friend's daughter. She also has a little sister. I probably make more of an effort with birthday presents for my god daughter than her sister but at Christmas, they are both treated the same presents-wise, I'd feel awful giving more to one and not the other. I have had them both for sleepovers but not very regularly and it is not feasible where I live now but I do visit every 2-3 weeks to see them or they come to see me.

Regarding if anything ever happened to her parents...the two girls would obviously stay together and would most likely live with either set of grandparents or one of their aunties (my friends sisters). Nothing to do with godparents.

Sadderday

January wrote: »

Whatever about being a godfather, as an uncle you should definitely be making an effort to bond with the child.

Yeah but different people have different idea's about what bonding is...

I think that's the issue

January

Sadderday wrote: »

Yeah but different people have different idea's about what bonding is...

I think that's the issue

Do you think so?

There's a huge difference between sending a present/card at birthdays and Christmas and actually spending time with the child (whether you spend money taking them out or just bring them to the park or visit them, do what is within your limits).

Yer Aul One

January wrote: »

Whatever about being a godfather, as an uncle you should definitely be making an effort to bond with the child.

Growing up I never had my uncles or aunties taking me out. But I see your point, especially because I don't have kids to worry about myself.

A zoo date will be scheduled!

wandatowell

My godchild/niece lives in England, but I'd see her 4-6 times a year.

Im crazy about her and always make an extra effort to spend time with her when I can.

As for spending extra money on her just because she is my godchild then no. I'd feel guilty that I wasn't being fair to my other niece.

As for parents using god parents as part time childminders, not my cuppa tea.

pwurple

Yup, just that the child knows them is all I would expect.

I'm godmother and i try to make sure they know who I am. Two live in another country, so that makes it tricky. We have skype chats.

Yer Aul One

pwurple wrote: »

Yup, just that the child knows them is all I would expect.

I'm godmother and i try to make sure they know who I am. Two live in another country, so that makes it tricky. We have skype chats.

For what purpose do you mind me asking?

pwurple

Yer Aul One wrote: »

For what purpose do you mind me asking?

What do you mean? Like I said, so they know me, and I know them.

Just a chat to keep up contact, like with any other person I maintain a relationship with, friends, family etc.

meeeeh

I'm not a god parent. I have two kids though and the only thing I expect of their god parents is to be there at christening. I wouldn't overly like it if one of them would be treated differently by their god parent. Especially because my oh and I have only one sibling each and they are closer to both kids than the other two godparents.

diveout

The only point to godparents is to witness the baptism. Otherwise, there is no other strict assignments to the role.

Pawwed Rig

We would like the Godparents of our lad to try to have more of a relationship with him than other people would. This will probably happen anyway which is the reason why they were chosen. Other than that we have no expectations. They will probably receive a small gift at Christmas from their God son but I wouldn't be 'expecting' presents/babysitting etc. Presence and guidance is more important than material items.

Mink

As others have said above, we chose our fella's godparents as we want them to be a bit more involved with him and in all honesty we would trust them to mind him if we popped our clogs, but most likely he'd go to his granny!

Both godparents are very busy and live over an hour away. One is a brother and the other is a good friend so we try to meet up anyways aside from birthdays and Christmas time.

So I guess the expectation is slightly more than a regular auntie/uncle, couple extra visits above birthdays etc. We wouldn't expect them to babysit or spend more money (if any) than others.

clint_silver

I got asked to be a godfather last year to a friends son. They know Im not religious in any way but I said yeah sure, why not. We buy each others kids xmas pressies and that about it.

got cornered by his mother at a party couple months ago to say she was very very hurt that I didnt buy the godson something special for his first birthday.

I reminded her that I thought being a godfather was a notional thing and really didnt place any importance on it but she said it was important to her so I said fair enough I'll try to remember next year.

I deliberately didn't bother to ask her was it as important as her weekend alcohol habit from which her hangovers prevented her kids from attending any of my kids birthday parties over the previous 5 years despite an invite for every one of them.

Or maybe she thought their own godfathers should be bringing them round at the weekend. why is it only the money things? some people huh?

pwurple

Cheeky mare. I would NEVER demand a present from anyone. Makes you feel like a meal ticket! Ludicrous behaviour.

Yer Aul One

clint_silver wrote: »

got cornered by his mother at a party couple months ago to say she was very very hurt that I didnt buy the godson something special for his first birthday

Was she drinking?

clint_silver

Yer Aul One wrote: »

Was she drinking?

Yeah, it was Obviously on her mind for a while and was eating away at her. Some perspective missing there.

BabysCoffee

amie91 wrote: »

After all if anything did happen the Parents god firbid you are the caretaker. Pull up them socks and get at it

Why would the Godparent be the caretaker?:eek:

Sligo1

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Why would the Godparent be the caretaker?:eek:

No not legally.

amdublin

I think some parents out there mix godparent up with guardian.

So strange.

Shannonsider

Forgive my ignorance but I had thought the 'official' godparent role was to witness the christening and to guide the child from a religious point of view? Interesting to hear little/nothing in this thread about the spiritual side of the role. Is there a spiritual side to the role or is it purely a token gesture?

Not being very religious my thoughts were that the role is purely token and up to the god parent to decide how much influence to have over the role.

sari

Funny shannonsider I was thinking the exact same thing. Seems no one knows what a godparent is actually meant to do.Why bother with the christening and godparents if you seem to have no idea what they are actually about, oh yeah big day out, photos, pretty dress, money, present.

sari

Well I think my first comment was a bit harsh as a few posters said spending time with the child and having a bond is the most important, so sorry for that
But I think this thread just highlights how little people really know about baptism, godparents and what signing your child up to the Catholic Church, for life, means and I just don't understand why people do something they don't understand, don't really care about or that won't be a significant part of the child's life. You are only prolonging the grip the church had on this country and over the development of the young child

pwurple

sari wrote: »

Well I think my first comment was a bit harsh as a few posters said spending time with the child and having a bond is the most important, so sorry for that
But I think this thread just highlights how little people really know about baptism, godparents and what signing your child up to the Catholic Church, for life, means and I just don't understand why people do something they don't understand, don't really care about or that won't be a significant part of the child's life. You are only prolonging the grip the church had on this country and over the development of the young child

Or, maybe some of us have some tiny grain of spirituality, and use the church for what it gives... some general moral guidelines, a place to discuss ethics and values, and a set of services to commemorate death, new life and marriage.

But feel free to trash anyone who is not exactly like you.

meeeeh

sari wrote: »

Well I think my first comment was a bit harsh as a few posters said spending time with the child and having a bond is the most important, so sorry for that
But I think this thread just highlights how little people really know about baptism, godparents and what signing your child up to the Catholic Church, for life, means and I just don't understand why people do something they don't understand, don't really care about or that won't be a significant part of the child's life. You are only prolonging the grip the church had on this country and over the development of the young child

Or some of us have no spirituality and like the day out for the family. What do you care.? I am certainly not going to live my life in the way overzealous religious or non religious people want me to. You can protest in front of a church or whatever but if I decide to have a baptism because it is important to grandparents or whomever I value more than some busy body on internet then that is what I will be doing. I am afraid you will have to fight your holy war without me.

sari

OK I think the two of you have taken my comment very badly and I didn't mean it like that. I think this thread just highlights what is the most important part of godparents and that seems to be presents. A few pwurple included said that it was about spending time with the child which is great and more what it should be about but the majority of comments say presents.
I'm not on any kind of holy war or protest, overboard a bit meeeh as usual. But the truth is the CC have huge power over the education of our children and the reason they continue to maintain this power is due to the amount of people baptising their children. If you go to church, practise the scarments are an active member of the church then of course baptise your child. The people who do it for the day out can't see past their own noses to see the negative impact this is having on education of options for our children.

OldNotWIse

amie91 wrote: »

I am a godmother to two little boys, I take them very regularly for a day out, swimming, sleepover etc. After all if anything did happen the Parents god firbid you are the caretaker. Pull up them socks and get at it Cant go wrong with the Cinema

- has the family law court been informed of this development?

meeeeh

sari wrote: »

The people who do it for the day out can't see past their own noses to see the negative impact this is having on education of options for our children.

That is BS. I was baptised as were most of my friends and most of our children. Despite majority of kids being christened there is no religious education in public schools at all, church can't even rent classrooms for the afternoon activities (any sports group or similar can).

I can see past my nose very well, I think you just blame ceremonial activities for the lack of public or political will. The fact is you and people like you who are so vocal on the issue are just not capable enough to persuade people that religion free schools would be the best. So no, how many kids get christened has f all to do with who has the patronage of schools.

Oh and ceremonial activities are usually done because people like to celebrate something with their family and friends not because they want to insure a steady stream of presents for their child.

pwurple

sari wrote: »

OK I think the two of you have taken my comment very badly and I didn't mean it like that. I think this thread just highlights what is the most important part of godparents and that seems to be presents. A few pwurple included said that it was about spending time with the child which is great and more what it should be about but the majority of comments say presents.
I'm not on any kind of holy war or protest, overboard a bit meeeh as usual. But the truth is the CC have huge power over the education of our children and the reason they continue to maintain this power is due to the amount of people baptising their children. If you go to church, practise the scarments are an active member of the church then of course baptise your child. The people who do it for the day out can't see past their own noses to see the negative impact this is having on education of options for our children.

Sari, I don't think religious education of any kind has a negative impact for a child. In fact, the only type of education which I think is potentially harmful, is where something is deliberately excluded. (including religion)

People not being fervent enough should surely be a good thing! Why on earth would we want more fundamentalism and a return to the DeValera way of life. Moderation in all things is best.

Sinister Kid

A friend of mine has a three year old god son, her cousins kid (she would be extremely close her family) When the mammy went back to work after maternity leave my mate wanted to help out so she takes her god son & their other three kids one day a week, does school runs & feeds them out of her own pocket. This is something she is happy to do and will do as long as she can.
Recently a friend of hers became pregnant, this friend is the needy type, calls when she wants a lift somewhere or wants her to mind the three kids, there is always something she wants and is always complaining... She has asked my mate to be godmother, which despite trying to put a bit of distance between them my mate said yes to. Now she has realised the this girl is expecting the same level of commitment as she gives to her cousins family. She is already calling her, to drive places because her feet are sore (She is only 16 weeks gone & even before the pregnancy wouldn't walk to the bus stop around the corner) She has gotten a couple of snotty texts of the girls partner about going to hospital visits. The type of couple these are they will expect Christmas presents, Birthday presents, Easter eggs and the likes for all four kids which is an expense my friend can not afford. My mate is torn over what to do, there is no way she can keep up with what will be expected of her and she feels her only option is to decline the offer. I personally don't blame her, I honestly thought she was crazy for saying yes in the first place.

sari

Pwurple absolutely totally agree with you. There is a place for religion in every school it's an important part of life and our children should learn about all religions in school. Honestly I agree with pretty much all you are saying.
meeeh it's very hard to have a sensible conversation about something when you just fly off the handle and take things so personally. I don't know what country you are in but here in Ireland over 90% of primary schools are run by the church and a big % of secondary schools are also run by the church. For example the county where I live had 1 educate together school every other primary school is Catholic with a very small % of church of Ireland. When I queried with the education dept why there was only 1 school in this county that does not have a religious ethos I was told that there is no need for it, I asked how this was determined and I was told that over 90%of children in this county are baptised into Catholic Church which shows that there is only need for Catholic schools. Now I live about an hour and half drive away from this 1 non denominational school so it is impossible for me to send my children there. I'm not religious, my child is not baptised, I want him to learn about all religions in an equal way and then make his own decision on his faith or spirituality. Now I know a huge amount of people who don't participate in church and openly talk about the failings of the church and what a shame they are yet the baptise their children and this is the situation I mean by not seeing past their nose they baptise because that's what you do but they either don't realise or care about the knock on effects of this. Yes I'm pissed because choice has been taken away from me and I will have to send me child to either a Catholic or church of Ireland school.

sari

Pwurple absolutely totally agree with you. There is a place for religion in every school it's an important part of life and our children should learn about all religions in school. Honestly I agree with pretty much all you are saying.
meeeh it's very hard to have a sensible conversation about something when you just fly off the handle and take things so personally. I don't know what country you are in but here in Ireland over 90% of primary schools are run by the church and a big % of secondary schools are also run by the church. For example the county where I live had 1 educate together school every other primary school is Catholic with a very small % of church of Ireland. When I queried with the education dept why there was only 1 school in this county that does not have a religious ethos I was told that there is no need for it, I asked how this was determined and I was told that over 90%of children in this county are baptised into Catholic Church which shows that there is only need for Catholic schools. Now I live about an hour and half drive away from this 1 non denominational school so it is impossible for me to send my children there. I'm not religious, my child is not baptised, I want him to learn about all religions in an equal way and then make his own decision on his faith or spirituality. Now I know a huge amount of people who don't participate in church and openly talk about the failings of the church and what a shame they are yet the baptise their children and this is the situation I mean by not seeing past their nose they baptise because that's what you do but they either don't realise or care about the knock on effects of this. Yes I'm pissed because choice has been taken away from me and I will have to send me child to either a Catholic or church of Ireland school.

sari

Meeeh I feel bad that you seem to have taken this so personally or like I am trying to attack you personally because that's not the case at all. This is an Internet forum and it's important to not take comments personally, unless of course it's clear that it is a personal attack on you which happens sometimes.
If you are happy with the reasons why you baptised your children then there is no issue I think my comments made it clear I was talking about people who do itfor the day oour, because that's what you do or for pressies and we all know that these people do exist. I never said you were one of them

meeeeh

But I am one of them. I don't do it for the presents but I do it for the day out. In fact we baptised the second one in our home country and it was great because all the family came and I saw people that I very often miss because lack of time.

I have an animated and abrupt way of expressing myself but that doesn't mean I am insulted or that I take things personally. There are a few issues though. I don't think I or anybody else owe anyone an explanation or apology for doing it, but I don't think many do it for the presents. And on seperate issue, the argument about the number of baptised kids is an excuse not to do things. Church can easily organize religious classes if there would be any political will to resolve things. But this would mean resolving the ownership of buildings, very often fundraising and dealing with unions regarding redundant religion teachers. I know very well how many schools are under some kind of religious patronage and I am far from being a fan of religious teachings in school. But I don't feel strongly cenough to pick an nondenominational school above denominational if I feel that kids will get better education there and will be involved in their neighbourhood activities. I and a lot of other parents are just practical in our approach and I am not going to apologize for it.

amdublin

Whatever about the rights and wrongs of christenings (me personally think unless you are going to practice with your child what is the point, but each to their own).

HOWEVER!
The mad people who seem to think that god parents automatically become guardians. Mad!

Yes that is why you picked three different godparents for your three children because you want them separated if god forbid you die???? Seriously?!

People really need to think about who they want to be guardians and specify it somewhere legal, it is not done in a church.

pwurple

sari wrote: »

For example the county where I live had 1 educate together school every other primary school is Catholic with a very small % of church of Ireland. When I queried with the education dept why there was only 1 school in this county that does not have a religious ethos I was told that there is no need for it, I asked how this was determined and I was told that over 90%of children in this county are baptised into Catholic Church which shows that there is only need for Catholic schools. Now I live about an hour and half drive away from this 1 non denominational school so it is impossible for me to send my children there.

Sari, I don't even know where to start with this.

For one, ET schools are not non-denominational, they are supposed to be multi-denominational.

Also, the ET schools are not some sort of holy grail either. The one I'm familiar with has an appaulling record for academics. The teachers in the secondary school the children go after it complain about the level of reading and maths coming out of it, and honestly I'd consider that sort of thing far more seriously than whether some of the other children in the class had communion or not. I have yet to hear a good word about the ET teaching methodology from any SNA, language therapist, or anyone who interacts with those schools professionally.

Baptism numbers have sweet FA to do with the current ownership of schools. It's a money issue, like everything else here. No-one in this country thought that the irish children were worth educating a few hundred years ago. Catholics built schools on their own land, in convents and next to churches. And they still own all the school buildings and the land ever since. There is no-one prevented from setting up any other schools. The sad fact is, the govt still doesn't do it. They wait for people to set up their own schools, and apply for funding for teachers. That's what our system looks like. If you want another form of school, it's up to you to go create it. It's not the catholic's fault that they didn't build a school for non-catholics for goodness sake.