feel sick every time I think of this, please help

pinkgirl1111

Hi all

Semi regular poster here using a different name because of sensitive info i'm posting. Don't want to be identified so will try be as clear as I can without giving two much away.

In a LTR and recently myself and OH have discussed having an open relationship due to not having had very many experiences apart from each other. We are very happy together so I was comfortable and had no problem having this conversation, in fact it was myself who brought it up in the first place.
Fast forward a few weeks then, I met up with a friend, we were having a conversation and I just happened to mention that myself and the OH had had this conversation. I had also mentioned that we might rather, how should I say, have encounters with people we knew rather than people we didn't.
Since this conversation herself and Oh have kissed twice. Once when I knew about it which I didn't mind so much, probably because I knew about it, and once when I didn't, a few weeks ago. Nothing has happened since then, and my oh says he is perfectly happy to continue just us and I believe and trust what he says 100 percent and we are totally fine.
My issue is with my friend. I just can't stop thinking about her being intimate with my oh, even though it was only a kiss and i know it's not huge in the grand scheme of things. We were supposed to meet up in the group we're in tomorrow, *none of the others know about what's happened* but I just don't think I can bring myself to do it. Ever since the time they kissed when I didn't know my feelings towards her have changed and I feel like our friendship is not the same anymore. We all 3 of us had a conversation where we decided nothing further would happen between them and she also said she was fine with this but I can't figure out why it's her I don't trust and feel differently about. I would like to be able to move past this as it's not what happened I have a problem with, I think it's more the secrecy, even though I know my oh told me the morning after and was completely honest with me, I just can't help feeling differently about her. What can I do if anything?
Thanks in advance for any replies and sorry for the length of the post.

LegacyUser

If you dont mind me saying OP, that is one weird set up. When I say weird I mean as in your friend kissing your bf??? I can understand you feeling uncomfortable about it but I would feel even more strange regarding how she was ok with doing that? How the hell did that come about? I cant really get my head around it tbh.

I know there's no written rule about friends and exes and bfs etc. but seriously, I cannot believe your mate was ok with doing that. Whether it was an open relationship at the time is irrelevant to me. I would have felt better if it was a stranger rather than a friend.

I know you mentioned you cant shake the feeling about her, but me thinks you will have to move on and forget about it (how I dont know because I would feel exactly as you do)

At least you've all sat down and discussed it OP, maybe you just need to go out tomorrow with the group, see how it goes and if all goes well you may feel better about moving on from it.

greengirl31

Open relationships are always dangerous ground as they may sound good in theory but you really can't "plan" how you're going to feel when something actually happens. But you probably went about things the right way by discussing it beforehand. I would Imagine that you and your OH had discussed the boundaries of your arrangement but perhaps your friend wasn't as aware ??? Have you talked to her about it ?? Maybe she feels a bit weird about the whole situation too ??

Did they arrange to meet up the second time or was it a chance encounter ?? If it was the former I think you're being a bit hard on your friend as she would have not seen you as soon to tell you as your OH. If it wasn't though, I'd have issues with both of them.

Merkin

I think fantasy and reality can be poles apart when it comes to the crunch and this would be further amplified by throwing someone familiar into the mix. I think with open relationships the parameters have to be very clearly set out from the beginning and while you said you'd prefer to have a known person involved with either one of you, maybe now you realise that it's a little closer to home than you'd like and in future you might be better exploring encounters with people who aren't in your social circle.

More importantly, it sounds like it was the deception that had bugged you. To all intents and purposes it sounds like you confided in this friend and then the next thing you know she is snogging your boyfriend. Do you think she interpreted the conversation she had with you as the green light from you to make a move on your boyfriend? And was it in fact her that are the move? Or do you think she has fancied him all along and was looking for any excuse? Because if you've discussed it with him and he had your blessing then he's not really at fault. I guess it all depends on the conversation with your friend and its context.

Barely There

If you this upset about a kiss, you're probably not going to be happy when he has sex with someone else.

I don't think open relationships are for you.
- or most people for that matter.

Tokyo

pinkgirl1111 wrote: »

In a LTR and recently myself and OH have discussed having an open relationship....

I met up with a friend.....since this conversation herself and Oh have kissed twice.

I just can't stop thinking about her being intimate with my oh, even though it was only a kiss and i know it's not huge in the grand scheme of things.

What can I do if anything?

Right now you take a step back and thank your lucky stars that you found out this early on that an open relationship isn't for you. Many couples don't find this out until things have progressed to a point where they can't come back from.

Open relationships are one of these things that seem good on paper, but with the exception of a very small percentage of couples, jealousy inevitably creeps in on one or both sides, and the relationship implodes as a result. You both went into this to find out if an open relationship was for you. You found out that it wasn't. Nothing to be ashamed of. Treat it as a lesson learned about yourselves, and the limits of your relationship with each other, and move on from it.

pinkgirl1111

mike_ie wrote: »

Right now you take a step back and thank your lucky stars that you found out this early on that an open relationship isn't for you. Many couples don't find this out until things have progressed to a point where they can't come back from.

Open relationships are one of these things that seem good on paper, but with the exception of a very small percentage of couples, jealousy inevitably creeps in on one or both sides, and the relationship implodes as a result. You both went into this to find out if an open relationship was for you. You found out that it wasn't. Nothing to be ashamed of. Treat it as a lesson learned about yourselves, and the limits of your relationship with each other, and move on from it.

Hi Mike_ie and all

Firstly thanks for your replies

I am going to do as you suggest mike and just treat it as a learning experience. You are right what you said, we are lucky it hadn't gone further and then we couldn't have come back from it.
Thanks again to you and everyone else who replied it means a lot