Tired of this situation!!

LegacyUser

Were do i start with this....

I've been thinking about whether to write this the few days but now i just need to get some advice because I'm really at my wits end....

My parents are separated or separating, to be honest i don't know what they're doing. My mother and father haven't really spoken to each other over the last few months, my mother has left the family home on a number of occasions to stay with family members, a week here and there, she'd come back home for maybe a day, say she's too stressed out living here and then leave and go stay with a relative again for a week or two.

A bit of background here.....

My mother and father, for as long as i can remember, never got on. They rowed, they wouldn't speak to each other for days/weeks, put me/other sibling in the middle, then they'd speak again and rinse, repeat... I never remember any happiness between them, my father is never happy in general and everything was superficial, small talk and forced, there was never any love shared between them and it was like they were just two random people stuck living with each other.

My fathers behaviour is erratic and still is to this day. He can be rude, ignorant, mutters under his breath and when you question him he denies all knowledge of it. I've also heard him on occasion calling me names, definitely heard him calling my mother names, and me/sibling heard it all over the years and when she would question us "what did he say" i would just flat out say "oh nothing" just to save another argument. Its been like that forever and just generally not being very nice, one minute moody and wouldn't talk, the next he'd be fine and would chat a bit, not much though and again he's the same still to this day, everything is 'oh the weather' and general sh!te talk, some of the many reasons my mother has had enough.

There's a lot more to this story of course over the years and I'd prob have a novel by the time I'd finish. My mother anyway has had enough of this marriage and she's done. Well not totally done. She is still asking my father for money and he's giving it to her, plus my rent. I'm so super annoyed about this and I don't think it's right. I was told this and if I say anything to my mother i feel its like I'm taking sides then, one of the things i made very clear to them i wasn't going to do.

I know as I even type this it all sounds juvenile but that's exactly what they are. They don't act like grown ups. In their case if they are this unhappy after so many years, if they were going to end things just end things and sort stuff out but no they're dragging this whole thing out, namely my mother, she decided that she'd had enough and wanted things to change but she wants to drag us along for the ride avoid the confrontation of it all and not tell my father what's really going on. He knows that's shes not happy, she told him as much but I dunno whether he's stupid or playing dumb or in denial I haven't a clue but its driving me and my sibling around the bend. Personally we both want them to divorce and we've had this opinion for many years.

Anyway, the current situation is lousy.

At the moment I'm currently living in the family home. I work part time from home and I don't have the cash to be moving/living/buying/renting with my boyfriend at the moment. At this time both my other sibling and father are unemployed. My father has been unemployed for many years now. Its the longest he's been out of work and I can see its really getting to him over the last few months. I dunno what to do, or how to help, I've sat with him, suggested stuff he can do and places to go. I've sent out jobs for him, trawled through jobs websites, he hears nothing back from anywhere we have sent CV's off to and i think as each day passes it gets worse. He wont do a course, he's really fussy as well about the jobs he applies to, as in it has to be more than 8.65 an hour. He wont work minimum and even 9.50 is not good enough and he wont do a night shift, things like that. I have explained to him that its not the boom years anymore and he's not going to get the type of money that he got in the past but he doesn't listen. Some jobs I'd see on recruitment websites I have suggested that, to me, seem promising, he just flat refuses and says "oh no, such and such was talking about that place and this is what happened to him" I just dunno what else to do and its getting ever harder to be in the house with him. He has mood swings on a daily basis now and i just never know from day to day what father I'm going to get today....

It's all probably sounding very ranty at this stage but our family is a mess, I've got my own problems to deal with too and i feel like just saying feck this and just leaving but i would feel guilty. I know I shouldn't because they are both adults and should be well able to look after themselves but my other sibling doesn't want to live in the family home either and is trying to find work now.
Is there anyone with any advice that may be able to help?
I feel so consumed by all this. I try to help, i try to ignore, i try not to get stressed about it but its very hard.

Again, apologies if it all sounds a bit ranty, i do need to get this off my chest.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

LegacyUser

Drained wrote: »

I've got my own problems to deal with

Do this...

Drained wrote: »

i would feel guilty

...but don't do that.

You have your own life to lead and I suggest you start. The rest of your family know what problems they have, so let them sort their own **** out. You can't live for them and you're wasting your time trying. Supporting and helping has a limit. You can be there to help their efforts, but you can't make the efforts for them and it's possible they will starrt to work a bit harder for themselves if you leave them to it. If they don't up their game, that's all the proof you need that all the help you could give them is just being poured into a black hole. Get on with your own life and do not feel in the least bit guilty, no matter what happens.