Did they use me?

LegacyUser

I have two friends jane and joe. We are interested in the same things. We often went for a coffee to talk about interests or to buy some

Now it seems they had a relationship which they kept secret. More than friends not a sexual relationship what ever that means. I do not care about thta but i do care the seem to have used me to be together without people knowing

One saturday jane text me to say they were going in the afternoon and invited me. mostly they would go in the morning if going alone. I went nothing apparent to me of any relationship we were just three friend 2 guys and one girl and her kid.

Next week i text him to go and he says no so i went alone. I did not have coffee and was going home and met jane She said he had text her to go after he said no to me and she thought he was with me. so it seems when i text him and he says no he realised it would be good cover if i was there. I find that really sneaky if it was what happened

It now seems to me that they did not want to be seen going together on a weekend afternoon and so wanted me to make it look like agroup. Isthat reasonable?
I am very up front and do not use people and am annoyed i let that happen.I would not talk about people behind their back or use them in my plans . seems my so called friends did that to me. I do not like being spoken of "invite him to make it look OK " if that happened

i did consider maybe they were in a relationship as they seem together a lot but not in a going out sort of way, just as "friends" when people would not see them . say in her house in the evening, going walking.

Seems to me people are not trustworthy.

He never told me about the relationship she does not seem to believe that

What do you guys think?

Tokyo

It's very hard to follow your post, but it seems to me that you're reading an awful lot into this that isn't there, if I'm to be honest. Sounds like a simple case of Jane and Joe having a closer, or more intimate relationship than just friends, and want time alone from time to time, but otherwise are more than happy to spend time together with you as a group of friends. I really don't see where you took that you were being used to make everything look okay, and that people are not trustworthy from all of that....

Big Bag of Chips

I agree, it's difficult to follow your post. Who would see them if they were out just the 2 of them? And who would think they were a couple? And who would care? No offense, OP, but if I did sort of have a thing starting up with someone, the last thing I'd want is someone else coming along playing gooseberry.

I think you are reading too much into it. Sometimes plans change at the last minute. If they get together it's not necessarily being done behind your back or using you as a cover.. It'll be just something that naturally happens!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I agree, it's difficult to follow your post. Who would see them if they were out just the 2 of them? And who would think they were a couple. No offense, OP, but if I did sort of have a thing starting up with someone, the last thing I'd want is someone else coming along playing gooseberry.

I think you are reading too much into it. Sometimes plans change at the last minute. If they get together it's not necessarily being done behind your back or using you as a cover.. It'll be just something that naturally happens!

I agree and did not want to play gooseberry but they asked me to go along. jane said they did not want people to know. i know not why and care not why but do not want to be used in their plans. i did not explain it very well maybe but think they wre really sneaky and decided to stay away from them from now on.

their relationship is over now and i did not know about it when it was going on. it is none of my business so long as i was not used to make them appear just friends. i think i was

i do not like all the cloak and dagger talking about people behind their back they go on with.

Tokyo

From what you say it sounds very much the opposite of what you believe it to be. Jane and Joe didn't want people to know about what was going on between them. Sounds to me like they didn't classify you as just "people", but rather a friend that they could trust with knowing about their relationship that wouldn't breach their confidence.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

From what you say it sounds very much the opposite of what you believe it to be. Jane and Joe didn't want people to know about what was going on between them. Sounds to me like they didn't classify you as just "people", but rather a friend that they could trust with knowing about their relationship that wouldn't breach their confidence.

mmm...maybe but i didn't know that is the point, till it was over. I did not know when we were together as a group that they were on a date

Matteroffact

It shouldn't matter whether they were on a date or not. They invited you to go for coffee and you went and you all had a good time. Who cares what they do in their spare time. If you do not enjoy their company then that's a different thing, don't go, but forget about whether they used you or not. You got as much out of it as they did, e.g. a social outing.

LegacyUser

Matteroffact wrote: »

It shouldn't matter whether they were on a date or not. They invited you to go for coffee and you went and you all had a good time. Who cares what they do in their spare time. If you do not enjoy their company then that's a different thing, don't go, but forget about whether they used you or not. You got as much out of it as they did, e.g. a social outing.

i would not have gone if i knew they were on a date. i was not told they were involved till they were finished. I did not get as much as they did, i would not have been there had i known. and it was not just once.that is the issue

I do not care what they do but i do not want to be brought along to make their date look like a group of friends because they were in some way ashamed of being together or did not want people to know

Big Bag of Chips

Well then let them know that. It all sounds very immature to be honest. In a relationship, but not in a real relationship? Out together on a date, but not really on a date, because they bring you along so it doesn't look like a date?

How old are all the people involved? Because it all sounds over complicated for something that shouldn't matter to anyone else anyway.

ash23

Are they both single? If not it would make more sense with regards to them using you as a cover up.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well then let them know that. It all sounds very immature to be honest. In a relationship, but not in a real relationship? Out together on a date, but not really on a date, because they bring you along so it doesn't look like a date?

How old are all the people involved? Because it all sounds over complicated for something that shouldn't matter to anyone else anyway.

immature on whose part? jane said more than a friendship but not a sexual relatioship.i do not care what the relationship was but do not like being brought along without knowing

i think it was immature of them to try to pretend they were not in a relatioship, but like i say do not care if they had not involved me.

there is a lot of other silly stuff jane saying stuuf to joe but he is not to tell me. he tells me and says don't say i told you etc

thanks for feedback

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Are they both single? If not it would make more sense with regards to them using you as a cover up.

yes that is why i do not understand it

jimmycrackcorm

Op, I think you are letting your imagination run away with itself. Did they do anything to you while you were in their company? What possible reason do they have to make it look like you're in a group?

I think you're grasping at straws and that's why posters can't make sense of what you're trying to say.

Matteroffact

Are you a bit miffed that they got closer while you remained on the surface? Could that be your problem ? I do understand though that if they were getting closer and organizing meet ups together and not including you that this would be offensive if they had not told you about this friendship and then you just found out by accident. It is not worth worrying about though, forget it.

LegacyUser

Matteroffact wrote: »

Are you a bit miffed that they got closer while you remained on the surface? Could that be your problem ? I do understand though that if they were getting closer and organizing meet ups together and not including you that this would be offensive if they had not told you about this friendship and then you just found out by accident. It is not worth worrying about though, forget it.

you are not reading are you . I said i do not care what they do. i DO NOT want to be taken on dates not knowing they are dates

Matteroffact wrote: »

I do understand though that if they were getting closer and organizing meet ups together and not including you that this would be offensive if they had not told you about this friendship and then you just found out by accident.

that is not it at all.


jummycrackcorn asks"What possible reason do they have to make it look like you're in a group? " read my previous posts

pickarooney

You said they've broken up now, so what's the issue currently?

And if you're going to get annoyed at someone misunderstanding your posts, at least have the decency to try and express yourself clearly.

Tokyo

used123? wrote: »

you are not reading are you . I said i do not care what they do. i DO NOT want to be taken on dates not knowing they are dates

So everytime you three are together, is that a 'date' according to you? Where do you draw the line between them being on a date, and the three of you going for coffee as friends? I'm genuinely confused here.

For me the equation is simple:

two of them on their own = date
three of you together = group of friends hanging out

...but it seems that you have your mind made up already that you have been slighted somehow, despite nobody here really being able to see it from that angle, and instead offering you up different possibilities. Either way, they are no longer together now so I fail to see how this is still an issue....

Flippyfloppy

Lighten up!!! It's all so complicated and highly strung, just go with the flow!!! They're being nice and normal if anything just meeting up all of you.

You're not the centre of the universe here either. These friends of yours sound like they had a budding relationship. There doesn't have to be any rules regarding when and with whom they meet up. Likely they were keeping it quiet seeing as there was a child involved (not you) how long will it take you to see there are bigger issues at play here?

You honestly sound like a very very difficult person to keep happy.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with the others. In order for this relationship, (or whatever it wasn't) to progress they must have met up alone sometimes. Not much was happening with you around, because you didn't even notice. So no relationship was progressing with you being around.

So occasionally they met up alone. Occasionally they met up with you for a coffee. I think it's all very childish to be honest. Her telling him things and telling him not to tell you. Him telling you and telling you not to tell her he told you etc... Her telling you they had a relationship but didn't really, and now it's finished anyway, and they met up with you so people wouldn't see them together alone.

Maybe she also needs to be told the world doesn't revolve around her! And people couldn't care less who she has a coffee with!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I agree with the others. In order for this relationship, (or whatever it wasn't) to progress they must have met up alone sometimes. Not much was happening with you around, because you didn't even notice. So no relationship was progressing with you being around.

So occasionally they met up alone. Occasionally they met up with you for a coffee. I think it's all very childish to be honest. Her telling him things and telling him not to tell you. Him telling you and telling you not to tell her he told you etc... Her telling you they had a relationship but didn't really, and now it's finished anyway, and they met up with you so people wouldn't see them together alone.

Maybe she also needs to be told the world doesn't revolve around her! And people couldn't care less who she has a coffee with!

"this relationship or whatever it wasn't" i like that. they met up alone mostly in the house i think. Would be different going out at weekend though hence me. and i agree it was childish all this she tells him not to say it/he tells me but tells me not to say it/

she cares far too much about what people think.i have decided to give them both a miss so they can get on with their finished relationship

Matteroffact

Could you make arrangements to meet them separately in future, instead of dismissing both of them ?

cloudatlas

Now that they are no longer friends do they still text you individually to go for coffee?

If the answer is 'yes' then it's clear that they value you as a friend.

LegacyUser

Matteroffact wrote: »

Could you make arrangements to meet them separately in future, instead of dismissing both of them ?

don't really want to. i do not like the sneaky way they behaved, all the little lies. if i said is jane coming joe would say she is unwell/busy with kids when really it was they were arguing.

and i don't like the way joe said no one time i asked him to go then he asked jane to go.[see op] so we went but it was really them using me as a cover without my knowledge and think that was sly

and neither would give me a straight answer when i askd why joe had text me saying he was not going and immediately text her to ask her to go. presumably he realised it was an excuse to see her in a group. had a feeling something was up then. sneaky. i would not havbe done that to them. when jane said to me i tell you about x *but don't tell joe I didn't. i respect people and do not talk behind their back or use them as pawns in my plans

* = story jane told me about her neighbours no to do with this

LegacyUser

pickarooney wrote: »

You said they've broken up now, so what's the issue currently?

And if you're going to get annoyed at someone misunderstanding your posts, at least have the decency to try and express yourself clearly.

no need to be insulting,by the question he asked it was clear he had not read it as that was covered several times

LegacyUser

cloudatlas wrote: »

Now that they are no longer friends do they still text you individually to go for coffee?

If the answer is 'yes' then it's clear that they value you as a friend.

we had coffee the day before i found out. he has not text me for coffee yet since. got two text and 2 email yest and did not reply

they are still friends but back to "just friends "friends not "friends in a sort of relationship "
one reason i am going to keep away is if they decided to get together again it would prob be the same secrets way

cloudatlas

used123 wrote: »

we had coffee the day before i found out. he has not text me for coffee yet since. got two text and 2 email yest and did not reply

they are still friends but back to "just friends "friends not "friends in a sort of relationship "
one reason i am going to keep away is if they decided to get together again it would prob be the same secrets way

That proves that they want your friendship. I think you are complicating things here they were more than friends and now they are just friends and they still want to be friends with you.

I was friends with two people who went out secretly for a while and didn't tell anyone because they didn't want people gossiping about them they wanted some space to breathe and get to know each other before everyone started being nosey. That's perfectly reasonable.

I have also been friendly with people who I would not see individually, who I would only see in a group because we were friends but the friendship was not deep enough that we would meet individually.

LegacyUser

cloudatlas wrote: »

I was friends with two people who went out secretly for a while and didn't tell anyone because they didn't want people gossiping about them they wanted some space to breathe and get to know each other before everyone started being nosey. That's perfectly reasonable.

did they bring you along though? That is the part i do not like

people "going out secretly because they don't want people gossiping about them " does not give them a right to lie to a third. the third has rights too

Big Bag of Chips

Ah Jaysus, OP. I think you are over reacting now. Just forget it. You've decided to not be friends with either of them now, so let that be the point where you put it to bed.

Honestly, your anger at the 2 of them seems totally disproportionate to what they actually did. Do you fancy her, by any chance? Are you annoyed that she got with him and not you?

To be honest, it doesn't really sound like she got with him either.

I hope you are all teenagers, and this is one of these over dramatic teenage angst scenarios. We've all been through them, but in a couple of years you'll probably laugh at the whole non situation and the big deal you all made of it at the time!

Dellnum

The three of you used to meet up before they started this special friendship, so they just continued with this arrangement. I can't see why this upset you so much when you found out they also had a relationship going, where they would continue to meet up in a threesome and sometimes they only met up together. I do get that the guy told you he didn't want to meet for coffee and then phoned the woman and then the 3 of you met up. That was a little bit odd alright. but could you not have asked him why he said no to you first.
Why do you have to interpret all of this as using you. They contacted you for coffee and you went and none of this mattered until you found out they were having a relationship and now all of a sudden you think they were using you.

LegacyUser

Dellnum wrote: »

. That was a little bit odd alright. but could you not have asked him why he said no to you first..

i did ask and got no answer. to the people who say it is not important. maybe it would not be important to you but it is to me. i take friendship seriously and do not lie to my friends.

i would not care they had a relationship or not but do not like being involvd in plans i do not know of. if they lie about such thing as that will they lie about others. just got another text i am not answering

"That was a little bit odd alright." it was until you realise he did not fel like meeting me whichis fine but he then text her to say i was going did she want to go.

why not just ask her and leave me out of it?

Big Bag of Chips

If they wanted to meet up alone they had opportunity to.

Sometimes they met up with you for coffee, not a "date". They had their dates in his/her house. They didn't need you as a cover.. And if they did, I'd say it was more her than him. She seems to be the one who makes a massive ordeal about things. Thriving on attention. Telling him things he's not to tell you. Telling you things you're not to tell him... etc. She loves a bit of drama, and where there is none, she creates it. This non-relationship. These non-dates.

I suggest you and him continue your friendship without her. You'll suddenly find things are a lot simpler!

cloudatlas

used123? wrote: »

did they bring you along though? That is the part i do not like

people "going out secretly because they don't want people gossiping about them " does not give them a right to lie to a third. the third has rights too

Yes actually I meet up with them for coffee all the time in work and outside of work. When they told me, I could have overreacted and said 'You didn't tell me!' but sure what business of it was mine if they were seeing each other as well, they were still friendly towards me and included me. What I did or didn't know had no bearing on the friendship.

FURET

It can be uncomfortable to think you're meeting up with two single people only to learn afterwards that they were in some sort of clandestine relationship. You're potentially at a disadvantage that you're not even aware of in the conversation.

Matteroffact

You met them in a threesome before they got closer, you continued to meet them in a threesome after they got closer so why do you think you were being used in this threesome ? The only part of this that I find a bit insulting is that they got closer and were meeting up without you, it wasn't a sexual relationship so it would appear that all it was was both of them meeting up without you. I would find that a bit mean, but there again they are entitled to do what they like. I would feel a bit left out in this situation. They didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell except that they were meeting up without you and that is not something they wanted to admit. I can see where you might think that this was sneaky alright, so based on that I would give them a wide berth.

You were obviously chatting with each of them individually as they were telling you things which they didn't want you to repeat so they must have had some regard for you too.

They didn't need you to see one another on a date, they had her house to do that in, if that is what they had together "dates". If they weren't having a sexual relationship then they weren't having dates but just meet ups without you. The threesomes were not dates either. It looks to me like they just wanted to meet you on occasions, not as any cover up but just because they liked your company and wanted to remain friends with you, but maybe they felt they had more in common with one another, so on other occasions they met up without you.

LegacyUser

Matteroffact wrote: »

You met them in a threesome before they got closer, you continued to meet them in a threesome after they got closer so why do you think you were being used in this threesome ?

The only part of this that I find a bit insulting is that they got closer and were meeting up without you, it wasn't a sexual relationship so it would appear that all it was was both of them meeting up without you. I would find that a bit mean, but there again they are entitled to do what they like.

thanks
not exactly. i did not know there was a 'closer' so when i continued to see them in a threesome i did not know there had been a change in their relationship to ech other. i only know of the closer a few days and have no seen either since.

No i am not bothered they met up without me and do not find that insulting. what i find insulting is they seemed to bringme on occasion just so they could meet. what other reason could be when i asked him to go he said no and them immediately he texted her to ask her

Matteroffact

If you don't care what sort of relationship they have then why does it bother you that they continue to meet as a threesome with you even though they meet up regularly without you. I cannot see how or why this would bother you. You think that they only want you as a cover up but I can't see why you think that when they can meet any time they want to meet in her house. They don't need to bother with you if they want to see one another. They chose to meet you because they like to chat to you.

You asked him to go for coffee one day and he said no and then he rang her and they both decided to go. Were they sure at that stage that you would be there or did they just happen to meet you. Maybe the guy thought he didn't want to go at first and then changed his mind and because he has a close friendship with the woman he contacted her and said "how about it" and they thought they would meet you there.

I don't think I would read any more into it than that.

LegacyUser

OP here

Now I have discovered they were in fact having a sexual relationship and using me for secret dates because they did not want to be seen as dating. So, i am glad i dropped them from my life and moved on to having true friends who do not use people. I hate users

captainfrost

Though it was a little bit hard understanding you, but it looks like they are both deep and maybe you call the first dibs, but your male friend is trying not to hurt you. Or you are just taking it too far.
That the only meaning i could read to this.