Men getting wrong idea?

LegacyUser

I had an unfortunate enlightened moment lately when an older man I work with, basically said I was a flirt. In fact, he specifically said that I once said that I openly flirt with male bosses to get my way! I never, ever said such a thing and I told him I took great offence at the accusation. In the same conversation he said something along the lines that I had a lovely mischievous smile, a gorgeous face, etc! He said he'd imagine that I'd be very persuasive! WTF?

I just found it so inappropriate and am amazed that someone could have gotten such a wrong impression. I am married with children and my only concerns are my family and my career. I dress relatively conservatively at work and have understated hair, jewellery and make up. I am very friendly and polite to both men and women - I talk to everyone, introduce myself to new staff, and like to think I make people feel at ease. It's hard to change who I am but am starting to reconsider this as I am now concerned that others may have the same impression and that it if so, it may be negatively affecting my career.

Frankly, I am creeped out and highly embarrassed. I don't know if it's his sole perception of me or if others have the same idea. Essentially, I don't know whether to blame myself or blame him.

Does anyone else have experience of similar?

Tigger99

Uuurgh he sounds like a real creep, god so much of what he said is pathetic. I've had one or two men say that to me. Like you I was horrified but realised that they were jerks that were trying to chat me up. Don't you go changing anything about yourself, except to steer clear of him. If he says anything again I would say that he is being inappropriate and you will go to HR.

Christ you must have felt you needed a shower after your conversation with him.

lazybones32

I'm male but I definitely understand about the opposite sex getting the wrong idea. You, being your honest self, can easily be misconstrued, misunderstood and mistaken based simply on your sex.
If you are genuine, you have to leave it at that...you have no power or right to interfere in another person's judgement process and you have to let them come to the wrong conclusion if they comprehend you wrongly. Annoys the shi'ite out of me but ...

rethinking

rethinking wrote: »

I had an unfortunate enlightened moment lately when an older man I work with, basically said I was a flirt. In fact, he specifically said that I once said that I openly flirt with male bosses to get my way! I never, ever said such a thing and I told him I took great offence at the accusation. In the same conversation he said something along the lines that I had a lovely mischievous smile, a gorgeous face, etc! He said he'd imagine that I'd be very persuasive! WTF?

I just found it so inappropriate and am amazed that someone could have gotten such a wrong impression. I am married with children and my only concerns are my family and my career. I dress relatively conservatively at work and have understated hair, jewellery and make up. I am very friendly and polite to both men and women - I talk to everyone, introduce myself to new staff, and like to think I make people feel at ease. It's hard to change who I am but am starting to reconsider this as I am now concerned that others may have the same impression and that it if so, it may be negatively affecting my career.

Frankly, I am creeped out and highly embarrassed. I don't know if it's his sole perception of me or if others have the same idea. Essentially, I don't know whether to blame myself or blame him.

Does anyone else have experience of similar?

He's coming on to you, and pre-emptively blaming it on you with your 'flirting'.

Making you doubt how you come across so he can exploit your confusion to be inappropriate with you. It's happened me. Do what I did and say very clearly and loudly that you do not flirt and do not appreciate his inappropriate behaviour. Do it when people are around, beat him at his own game.

What a creep.

OrangeVarnish

Candie wrote: »

He's coming on to you, and pre-emptively blaming it on you with your 'flirting'.

Making you doubt how you come across so he can exploit your confusion to be inappropriate with you. It's happened me. Do what I did and say very clearly and loudly that you do not flirt and do not appreciate his inappropriate behaviour. Do it when people are around, beat him at his own game.

What a creep.

I agree with Candie OP, found myself in that situation before and due to my own embarrassment I let it drag on longer than it should have before I said anything. Nip it in the bud now , he is just a creep!

Neyite

If he is not coming on to you, then I think he might be trying to undermine or discredit you professionally - are you at the same grade or are there career oppertunities you both might be going for?

And I'd very much watch out, either way he is a piece of work :mad:. I'd go to HR or a team leader for an informal chat just to get it on record so that if there is any further developments - either him spreading rumours about you or trying it on with you, someone else has your side of things.

nlk

I agree- he is either trying to come on to you in a way that if you don't aquiesce he can blame it as a misunderstanding because you are so flirty or trying to undermine you with colleagues. Either way he is out of order and it is professional misconduct.

Speak to HR as others have said and get it on record, also keep a record yourself of the times, dates, locations and every comment he makes to you. I know this might seem ott but if things get worse or persist you need to demonstrate that there is a pattern and it is not an isolated incident.

Many people, men and women, believe that feminisim is a defunct ideology and is not needed anymore but we still live in a very patriarchal society where women are undermined every day. Society force feeds us images and notions of sexualised women and girls particularly through media and then uses this same female sexuality to tear down anyone who steps out of line.

There is a very fine line that women are expected to walk between sexy and slutty- and woe betide anyone who is percieved to wander into the slutty end of the spectrum. Your colleague is trying to use your sexuality to shame you into getting his own way because he knows that in our society, to label a woman a flirt or a slut is a very effective weapon against her.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for your replies. It's great to feel supported on this. I don't feel I can mention it to anyone I know as I would be concerned that the story could be misconstrued.

Yes, it's the potential damage to my career and reputation that I worry about most - I am concerned he may have mentioned to others that I'm a "flirt" or indeed that others may have gotten this impression themselves. It's quick that rumours get started.

nlk: I agree with you so much. As I've grown older I've become more and more aware of sexism. I think we need to educate kids in school re: it and we need to call men (and women) out on it more. You hit the nail on the head re: sexualised women and girls - I think that this man truly sees me that way - as an object.