am I right to be annoyed

LegacyUser

bit of background, been with my gf for just over a year and we live around 40 minutes away from each other at the moment, love her to bits but she drives me nuts at times!

ok so my GF works in a bar and because of this she can finish up pretty late, she would normally call or text me depending on how late just to let me know she got home safe.
so this morning she finished up around 4ish, i was asleep by this time but woke up at 6 and saw a message telling me she was going to have a staff drink (i presumed at the bar) or two before going home, she sent me this message around 4.30.
I texted her back (at 6) wondering if she had gotten home safe afterwards and got no reply till around 8.30 (i was worrying a little at this point) at which point she told me she and a lad friend of hers that she works with (i know the guy) had gone back to one of the bar tenders houses for a few drinks and that she had only gotten home at 8.30.

So there was 2 guys and 2 girls at the house (all single except for my gf), the other bartender tried to convince my gf to keep drinking and just sleep in the bed with the other guy for the night while she was chasing my gf's friend, she didnt thank god!

I dont know i feel pretty annoyed that my gf didnt tell me she was going back to some strangers house at 5am or even get back to me after i texted her at 6 (she saw my messages), and im annoyed at the drama those stupid work colleagues tried to cause (the other girl has seen me and knows i exist). Its also annoying because my gf has told me on occasion how she doesnt particularly like the the other girl or guy and yet she went back to the house to "blow off steam"!
I dont have a problem with her having drinks after work but i really feel like i should know if shes heading to some strangers house at that hour of the morning am i wrong in this?

maybe im just crazy

Meauldsegosha

AnnoyedGuy wrote: »

I dont know i feel pretty annoyed that my gf didnt tell me she was going back to some strangers house at 5am or even get back to me after i texted her at 6 (she saw my messages), and im annoyed at the drama those stupid work colleagues tried to cause (the other girl has seen me and knows i exist). Its also annoying because my gf has told me on occasion how she doesnt particularly like the the other girl or guy and yet she went back to the house to "blow off steam"!
I dont have a problem with her having drinks after work but i really feel like i should know if shes heading to some strangers house at that hour of the morning am i wrong in this?

maybe im just crazy

She wasn't in a strangers house She was in her work colleague/friends house. I think you are overreacting. Your girlfriend has done nothing wrong and you have no right to feel annoyed.

Penny Tration

Your girlfriend went out with colleagues and back to a house, where she refused to stay in the same bed as another man, and you're annoyed?

I think you're being extremely unreasonable.

Obliq

Crazy, no. Perhaps a little insecure, maybe.

To be fair to your girlfriend, she a) told you she was going for drinks at 4, b) texted you at 8.30 and c) told you ALL about the people she was with and what they had been up to. Yes, it's a pity she didn't text you at 6 when she got your text, but as she was still up drinking/chatting it must have gone over her head at the time.

As an independent grown up, when I go out to let off some steam with my mates, I do so in the full knowledge that my fella trusts me implicitly. If I filled him in on the full gory details of the night, complete with info that one of my drinking buddies had suggested I stay in a bed with a fella and I had refused, I would expect my partner to be a little fcuked off with that particular drinking buddy (as would I be) but not with me. If he was pissed off at me, I'd have a go at him about it as we're both 100% our own people and I get to look after myself - ditto for him. He trusts me, is the bottom line.

Sounds like you have a niggling doubt tbh. I'd suggest you decide right now if you want the kind of trust and honesty that is required in a grown up relationship, and be prepared to trust her during the times she doesn't get back to you when you're looking for immediate reassurance. I understand you wanted to know she was back safe, but are you totally sure part of that wanting to know wasn't to find out if she was still partying?

LegacyUser

I don't know these people, and I know my gf wouldn't call them friends of hers

coolbeans

You're being possessive and jealous none of which are attractive traits. Presumably you were looking for immediate texts at six in the morning to alleviate these feelings and are annoyed that she made you wait so long (till 0830). The problem is you not her. Your insecurities are coming through for all to see.

LegacyUser

Obliq wrote: »

Crazy, no. Perhaps a little insecure, maybe.

To be fair to your girlfriend, she a) told you she was going for drinks at 4, b) texted you at 8.30 and c) told you ALL about the people she was with and what they had been up to. Yes, it's a pity she didn't text you at 6 when she got your text, but as she was still up drinking/chatting it must have gone over her head at the time.

As an independent grown up, when I go out to let off some steam with my mates, I do so in the full knowledge that my fella trusts me implicitly. If I filled him in on the full gory details of the night, complete with info that one of my drinking buddies had suggested I stay in a bed with a fella and I had refused, I would expect my partner to be a little fcuked off with that particular drinking buddy (as would I be) but not with me. If he was pissed off at me, I'd have a go at him about it as we're both 100% our own people and I get to look after myself - ditto for him. He trusts me, is the bottom line.

Sounds like you have a niggling doubt tbh. I'd suggest you decide right now if you want the kind of trust and honesty that is required in a grown up relationship, and be prepared to trust her during the times she doesn't get back to you when you're looking for immediate reassurance. I understand you wanted to know she was back safe, but are you totally sure part of that wanting to know wasn't to find out if she was still partying?

I don't really think it's her going out having fun, I think it's the crazy hours at which all this was going on that has me freaked out, if the shoe where on the other foot I'd tell her exactly what I was at, particularly if it was that late and I knew she was expecting a call or text from me, but yer right, I'm probably over reacting

catonthewire

Your gf refused to sleep in a bed with a guy and she told you..

The problem is yours not this girl who willingly shared the events of the night, thinking she was trusted....
If you persist in behaving like this, either she will stop sharing or at worst walk away...

Unsure of your age, but you really need to grow up a little and start trusting this girl...
Or move on too another, who will feed into your insecurities..

Dellnum

I don't blame you being anxious about all of this OP. I also don't think your g/f should be filling you in with details that are going to set your mind racing. Obviously you are going to be wondering what led to this guy's suggestion that your g/f would sleep with this other man. You would want to be a saint not to be putting two and two together when wondering what was happening at this house. I blame your g/f for telling you all of this as anyone would be anxious after hearing it. She could have put your mind at rest by texting you and telling you she was safe, that would't have killed her. You know something I would not say another word to her about this. I know you are miffed and she knows damn well why so I would just say nothing, because as far as I can see she was trying to annoy you by telling you about all of this.

No, you're not right to be annoyed.

She shouldn't have to give you updates about where she is. That's just ridiculous.

"Hey, wanna go back to Tim's house for a few drinks?"
"I'd love to, but hang on while I text my boyfriend to make sure he doesn't get angry about not knowing where I am"

You don't live with her, so it's not like you were waiting to lock up the house.
You didn't have plans with her at six in the morning, so it's not like you were waiting to see her.
So why exactly is it that you need to know where she is?

Mr. Incognito

I worked bars and if anyone had to text their oh at ungodly hours to tell them they got home i would find it creepy and disturbing.

Learn to trust her

Big Bag of Chips

Would it have put your mind at rest if she texted at 4 "On the way home, wrecked. Night. Talk to you tomorrow xx" and then went out with them and didn't tell you anything?

She was honest with you . Whether or not you know these people is irrelevant. Whether she considers them friends or not is irrelevant. They are her work colleagues. She will be friendly with them in work. And occasionally she may go for a few drinks with them after work. They don't have to be her "best" friends in order for them to go out together occasionally.

Do you trust her? If you trust her then it doesn't matter what any other bloke tries to convince her to do. If you don't trust her, well then it's going to be a very unhappy relationship for both of you.

Dee01

I agree that the issue is yours and not your girlfriends. Also, the hours involved need to be taken into account. She finished work as 4ish and was home by 830..... That's only about 4 hours. If u went out after work at say 5/6 and were home at 10 ish would she have a problem?

DukeOfTheSharp

I think it's your issue because she's making it your issue. You had genuine concerns surrounding the people she decided to hang out with - especially since she doesn't like them and wasn't obligated to do so - and what was going on when she was there. She told you, and you were annoyed because her decision had negative consequences. I think the bigger issue here is that she actively goes about putting herself in situations where drama could potentially unfold, and you shouldn't have to hear that since she's old enough now to see that it isn't good for her (I'm guessing). Trust me when I say that this isn't going to go away unless you talk to her about it annoying you. If you'd approached the situation differently, then it shouldn't be a big issue to air out, since it was her poor decision making that put her in said situation to begin with. She hangs out with terrible people and some she doesn't know, and drama unfolds? Shocker.

The reason I find this odd is because any bar staff I know tend to drink where they've been working, so this lark of going to someone's house sounds really...immature to me. I get where you're coming from, that her approach a) wasn't something you would've done and b) put her in a situation that was undesirable for both her, and you. I think it seems like you're baring the brunt of her decisions when it was her actions that put her there. Sounds like drama you don't need. Sit down, talk with her and make it clear that you're coming from a place of concern. Remember that she's her own person, and at the end of the day she does what she wants. If she keeps putting herself in situations where drama unfolds (little or otherwise) then walk. Trust is all well and good, but you can trust a person while distrusting their decision-making capacity. I know it seems like I'm being unreasonable, but really, if she's in any way and adult, this situation shouldn't be happening.

Stavro Mueller

AnnoyedGuy wrote: »

I don't really think it's her going out having fun, I think it's the crazy hours at which all this was going on that has me freaked out, if the shoe where on the other foot I'd tell her exactly what I was at, particularly if it was that late and I knew she was expecting a call or text from me, but yer right, I'm probably over reacting

Have you never worked in a place where your colleagues decided on the spur of the moment to go have some after-work drinks? Which is what this looks like. You said your girlfriend works late so I assume that's when her workmates also finish up. Of course the hours were going to be crazy. Also where do you expect they'd be having these post-work drinks seeing as the bar was closed at that stage

You sound horribly controlling to be honest. If you keep this up your girlfriend will rightly get sick of your behaviour and you'll not need to worry about her any more. I wonder is part of the reason why you want those texts so you can keep tabs on her? I feel stifled just reading your posts.

Obliq

AnnoyedGuy wrote: »

I don't really think it's her going out having fun, I think it's the crazy hours at which all this was going on that has me freaked out, if the shoe where on the other foot I'd tell her exactly what I was at, particularly if it was that late and I knew she was expecting a call or text from me, but yer right, I'm probably over reacting

Mate, she works crazy hours. Sometimes, clearly, she's going to want to let off steam (as she said herself) and that's going to be during crazy hours as well obviously. People are different - what worries you may not worry her and v-v.

I guess if it's not a jealousy issue you're having, but more just a little panic about how you didn't like not being informed as to how she was, well that's understandable but also something that you need to get over on your own. With anyone you love, doesn't matter what time of day/night, you can't protect them all the time so you have to trust that when they spend 6 hrs in town when you only thought 2 or 3 would happen, that they haven't been mugged or run over by a bus. I totally advise you not to make this her problem, and by the sounds of it she doesn't go out on the tear often - next time though, expect her when you see her, eh?

LegacyUser

She works different hours to other people so whats the problem with her going out for a few drinks after work. Yes its pretty crazy to go for a drink at 4 in the morning but its not uncommon to want to let off some steam after working in a busy bar all night long.

She has been very open and honest with you about everything she got up to. While her work colleagues may not be her best friends and she many not like them very much, she still has to work with them so its best to be sociable and get on with people rather than being unsociable and having them bitch about you behind your back. Also in work situations is not better to get on with people in case you need to ask them to cover for you or swap hours when needed. I'm not best buddies with the people I work with, but I still make an effort to go for a coffee with them in work or go for a drinks/dinner after work.

Working in a bar has the same amount of stress as working in other jobs and I don't think its very odd that staff might want to go out afterwards and have a drink themselves even if its at 4 in the morning!