How do i tell parents

LegacyUser

Instead of telling my parents i failed several of my modules and wont be able to sit repeats, i stupidly told them i only failed 2 and would be able to sit repeats, with the intention of then saying i failed repeats.

If i am to repeat the year, i'll have to pay the full fees which amount to over 7 grand, as well as accommodation for the year which will be the guts of 5 grand, such is the situation in Dublin atm. I only have €1000 in savings myself, and despite my efforts i could not get a job this summer, as i live very rurally. I had a lot of savings, which i wont go into details about, but neither of my parents has much work at the moment, so over the years i have given them the guts of the 12 grand i need if i am to repeat the year.

The reason i failed so badly is because for the first semester i had to live alone in a cousins house, which was vacated for years but never sold or rented out, in a town an hour by train from dublin, this was because i did not get campus accommodation or rented accommodation, and my parents did not want me in digs. Most people find it hard away from home for the first time, but i found it very tough especially in the first few weeks. I would often start crying from missing home so much and living alone just compounded my misery. I found it very difficult to sleep during this period and could not study at all, and i fell behind and often didn't complete assignments properly, because i didnt understand the material. I felt a lot of pressure to succeed in college, im the first in my family and it was a very big deal when i got in.

For the second half of the year i was living in college accommodation, and started out with every intention of fixing what i had put wrong in the first half. Another reason i felt so sad was because my friends were in college making friends going to societies doing all the normal things that i was missing out on. The first 2 weeks everything was fine, but i wasn't making friends with anyone like i thought i would, even with my housemates. I then got the same feelings and couldn't do anything right. After this i stopped going to college for long periods, i think i went in 5 days in 9 weeks. I couldn't get over the feelings of sadness i had of not fitting in and homesickness.

I sat my exams like someone normal, and failed all but 2. Failed a few very badly because i could not catch up on material. Then i got to go home for good, for the summer and forget about everything for a few weeks before results. The results came, and my parents weren't worrying at all, because they see me as the son who cant do anything wrong academically. I waited a few more weeks, and then showed them a fake sheet of the results I'd made up, because i just wanted a few more weeks of normality, before i told them the truth. I feel like now i should tell them the truth, because the last 2 weeks i havent been able to relax with stress, in fact its worrying me so much im started to lose some of my hair. I don't think there's any way they could give me the money to repeat the year, my father had always intended on giving me back the money he borrowed from me, but to get the money together in less than 2 months will probably be difficult for them, something i hadn't really though of much. I feel so bad for letting them down, thats why i cant sleep now again or why i couldnt during the year. During the 2nd half of the year i mostly stayed in my room, and didnt come out much if at all.

I did go home most weekends, but that almost made my homesickness worse during the 1st semester. I'd often come home a day early during the 2nd semester, with some excuse of lectures on a friday being cancelled for whatever reason.

Thanks to anyone who takes time to read and respond to this, i just want some advice on how to explain the truth to my parents. I let on everything was fine during the year, but for my sanity i feel enough is enough and the truth needs to come out

Penny Tration

Like you said yourself, you need to tell them.

Sure, they may be disappointed, but I'd imagine if you keep lying, they'll be more disappointed!

There are options.

You could leave the course, do a PLC, and go back as a mature student for your degree. You could try to find a job in a suburb closer to home. You could do volunteer work.

UUltimately though, you need to tell them. It's very doubtful that they'd have 12k by the time college goes back. So, make a plan for what you're going to do, sit them down, talk to them. Explain how bad you felt, and how much you struggled. At the end of the day, they're your parents. They'll want your happiness.

Chattastrophe!

Oh god you poor thing. As a serial college drop-out, from a very supportive academic family, I know how it feels. I know how awful it is to disappoint your parents.

At this stage, when you've gone so far as to give them a fake results document, I'm not sure it would be beneficial for you, or for them, or for your relationship, to tell the whole truth. You could tell them calmly and firmly that the course is not for you, and no point spending more money and time on it.

Get a job - even a minimum wage job. Take a couple of years out, live independently (even if close to home, for visiting, if that makes it easier.) Build up savings. Make a plan.

I dropped out of two courses in two colleges before finding the right one. It felt like the end of the world each time, I felt like such a failure, but I can assure you that - with hindsight - it was the right thing for me at the time, although it nearly killed me telling my parents each time! I eventually found a course that suited me in a college that suited me. And I couldn't be happier in my current career - which is a million miles away from my original college course!

When things get on top of me, I always think - "Well, as massive of an issue as this is right now - one year from now, will it be the same?" And, no, in your case, it definitely won't be! No matter what way you choose to deal with, it'll be over and done with very soon.

Please don't let this overwhelm you. And you know, your parents may end up being a lot more understanding than you expect.

Best of luck.

tenifan

Op, don't repeat the year. It sounds like good money after bad. Mentally, you're just not in a good "place" for college. And also, there's more to life than college and stressing yourself out over the next big exam.

Instead of worrying about college clubs and societies full of loudmouths and extroverts, see if there are any local running or cycling clubs in the area you could join (whether in college or not)

This whole homesickness thing.. printing fake results.. not being happy on your own.. not being happy with housemates.. it just means you've a lot of growing up to do.

"they see me as the son who cant do anything wrong academically".. all the more reason to admit you messed up! It's called taking responsibility, and admitting to yourself that you're only human. Your parents will still probably think you're the best son on the planet, but they don't really expect you to accomplish as much as you think they do. They probably just want you to be happy.
(I agree with not admitting to the fake results, just tell them you couldn't actually repeat because you failed, or didn't have coursework done.. or even just tell them you've decided not to go back because you're not enjoying it and want to take a few years out)

I'd advise taking the year out, trying to get a part-time job, and do a low-stress PLC or Fas course to get yourself some confidence. Go back to college when you're a bit more mature and you'll benefit from it a lot more.

Rubberchikken

Just tell them. What's the worst that can happen?
Tbh it's your life and while parents mean well, some go a little to far and add pressure and expectations that aren't fair.

A person can only do their best.
Let the college thing go. Like another poster said, consider the PLC route. Talk to your gp, and start putting your life back into your hands.

LegacyUser

Are you happy with college and the course you have chosen or do you want to do something else? If you want to do another course then yes you will have to pay full fees for the first year of another course.
What college are you in ? I thought with resits you just pay the resit fee and the student levy fee? How much are the resit fees?

Did you talk to anyone in the college at all about your issues like e.g a student advisor.
If you are having problems with your health you could have applied for extenuating circumstances or something. Aside from telling your parents about the true results, you seemed to have buried your head in the sand when it came to coping with college.

For next year could you apply for a leave of absence in order to decide if its the course for you. You should get in contact with college as well otherwise you just fall off the radar and they assume you have dropped out.

castaway_lady

Yep time to fess up. Spin it whatever way you need to in order to minimise their stress over it- in most cases this means having your next move worked out so that they don't stress over "whats going to happen to him".
Do you really need to study in Dublin? Is there course or similar not done anyplace more local and hence cheaper? Quality of life in smaller places is so often so much better, cheaper to live, get to know more people in college, less travel, smaller closer classes. My sister left UCD in her first year and moved to WIT the following September. Rent was one third the cost of Dublin, settled immediately, social circle fell into place there. Whereas she was spending entire weeks in UCD never having a conversation with anyone or seeing the same people in any of her classes not to mention being permanently broke.

The grass is often greener elsewhere. Work out your plan and do the needful.

average hero

OP - Please take one minute to take a breath and realise that in the GRAND scheme of things, this is a small blip.

To be short about it, my parents kind of put me on a pedestal for university despite them not going to oneand academically I could do no wrong. They started arguing before my Leaving Cert, this affected me and I didn't do as good as expected. Cue two years of dropping out of two different courses and swearing I wouldn't do university again.......

Five years later I have graduated from university and am living in London. I got a 2.1 and worked nearly fulltime throughout those four years meaning it was extremely tough but I don't have any debt. I still sort of look to my parents for guidance and influence but recently I've started to take more responsibility for MY life and make MY own decisions.

How does this relate to you I hear you say?

Well, don't worry about this blip first of all. This escapade WILL make you stronger in the long run, sure, you may have to do a job you don't like for a little while or play around with different college courses but it will all work out in the end. I'm proof of that

With regards to telling your parents, if I were you I'd tell them quick and painless. I'd say that it came from a good place of not wanting to disappoint them and that you were feeling guilty. Get it all off of your chest. You deserve to be able to get it off of your chest. You cannot control their response, but one way or the other, they will come around and appreciate your position. This is a decision (to tell them) that you'll have to make though.

Life isn't all directly going from school to uni to a great job. Sometimes things don't work out. It will make you stronger and you will be all the better for it.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the helpful replies

I can't really go down the PLC route, i already done a level 5 after the LC, i was 18 going to college, 19 now

I'm in Trinity, and getting in was a great source of joy for my parents, not many people round my place go to college at all, let alone university in dublin. I'm in a good course with good job prospects at the end, and i was good at all the subjects involved at LC level. I'm starting to think i only done the course because there's real job prospects at the end. For as long as i can remember i wanted to do law and be a solicitor. But hearing about the terrible job prospects in it turned me off come the choosing a college course time. But thats no reason i shouldnt be good at what im studying now

As regards to telling my parents, I'm going to wait til Tuesday after the bh weekend to tell them. How should i address it ? I wanted to blurt it out today, but the thought of it just made me well up. Also, should i tell them at the same time, or one by one ? I know they'l both be furious i just want to go about it the right way

cork2013

OP, sit down, take your time, write a letter outlining absolutely everything you are saying and feeling here.
Give it to your parents,leave for a bit for them to dissolve it, come back & face reality.
Firstly I say this coming from experience. If you begin by telling them the fake scenario you have created there will be dissappoint and anger without being able to explain why this has happened. It will go on and on in circles.
Even writing the letter will bring a sigh of relief, you are young carrying around far too much on your shoulders. Do this tonight, Tuesday is no better than tomorrow.

dixiefly

parentissue wrote: »

thanks for all the helpful replies

I can't really go down the PLC route, i already done a level 5 after the LC, i was 18 going to college, 19 now

I'm in Trinity, and getting in was a great source of joy for my parents, not many people round my place go to college at all, let alone university in dublin. I'm in a good course with good job prospects at the end, and i was good at all the subjects involved at LC level. I'm starting to think i only done the course because there's real job prospects at the end. For as long as i can remember i wanted to do law and be a solicitor. But hearing about the terrible job prospects in it turned me off come the choosing a college course time. But thats no reason i shouldnt be good at what im studying now

As regards to telling my parents, I'm going to wait til Tuesday after the bh weekend to tell them. How should i address it ? I wanted to blurt it out today, but the thought of it just made me well up. Also, should i tell them at the same time, or one by one ? I know they'l both be furious i just want to go about it the right way

In my opinion you should tell both parents together but it really does depend on your relationship with each one. There may be one that would be more likely to lsten and be pragmatic and not fly off the handle and, in that case, maybe to speak to tha parent first.

regarding the course you really do need to determine what you really like and what you are good at in addition to job prospects. I am not sure what year you are on your course. If it was first year then you should try and reassess what course is best for you overall.

One thing to remember, in my memory of going through college and brothers, friends and sons & daughters of friends. The realty is that many many run into some problem with the course, payment, exams at some stage in college. It is way beyond the percentage that happens at secondary school.

Best of luck, keep the head up.

Dellnum

This is a terrible load for you to have to bear OP so the quicker you get it off your chest the better. Your mental and physical health are the most important thing to your parents. All they want is for you to be healthy and happy. You are miserable at the moment and my heart goes out to you. Someone suggested writing them a letter telling them everything you have said here and then leave the house while they read it. I think this is a very good idea because it will give them time to digest it all and come to their senses about what has to happen next. Is there any possibility of you getting a student loan? I have no idea how the system works but I am sure that your parents will be able to guide you better than anyone else on what your next step should be. Please tell them asap and get all of this out in the open and you will then have the energy to think about your future. You must have done a good LC to get into Trinity so you have the brains but not everyone is suited to living away from home and having their whole life turned upside down at 18. I am sure this can be a learning curve for you and something like this will never happen again. This is not the worst thing to happen to you as far as your parents are concerned, and they will help you all they can if you just open up to them. Also get in touch with the college and ask them what your options are. Best of luck.

Matteroffact

parentissue wrote: »

Instead of telling my parents i failed several of my modules and wont be able to sit repeats, i stupidly told them i only failed 2 and would be able to sit repeats, with the intention of then saying i failed repeats.

The reason i failed so badly is because for the first semester i had to live alone in a cousins house, which was vacated for years but never sold or rented out, in a town an hour by train from dublin, this was because i did not get campus accommodation or rented accommodation, and my parents did not want me in digs. Most people find it hard away from home for the first time, but i found it very tough especially in the first few weeks. I would often start crying from missing home so much and living alone just compounded my misery. I found it very difficult to sleep during this period and could not study at all, and i fell behind and often didn't complete assignments properly, because i didnt understand the material. I felt a lot of pressure to succeed in college, im the first in my family and it was a very big deal when i got in.

For the second half of the year i was living in college accommodation, and started out with every intention of fixing what i had put wrong in the first half. Another reason i felt so sad was because my friends were in college making friends going to societies doing all the normal things that i was missing out on. The first 2 weeks everything was fine, but i wasn't making friends with anyone like i thought i would, even with my housemates. I then got the same feelings and couldn't do anything right. After this i stopped going to college for long periods, i think i went in 5 days in 9 weeks. I couldn't get over the feelings of sadness i had of not fitting in and homesickness.

I sat my exams like someone normal, and failed all but 2. Failed a few very badly because i could not catch up on material. Then i got to go home for good, for the summer and forget about everything for a few weeks before results. The results came, and my parents weren't worrying at all, because they see me as the son who cant do anything wrong academically. I waited a few more weeks, and then showed them a fake sheet of the results I'd made up, because i just wanted a few more weeks of normality, before i told them the truth. I feel like now i should tell them the truth, because the last 2 weeks i havent been able to relax with stress, in fact its worrying me so much im started to lose some of my hair. I don't think there's any way they could give me the money to repeat the year, my father had always intended on giving me back the money he borrowed from me, but to get the money together in less than 2 months will probably be difficult for them, something i hadn't really though of much. I feel so bad for letting them down, thats why i cant sleep now again or why i couldnt during the year. During the 2nd half of the year i mostly stayed in my room, and didnt come out much if at all.

I did go home most weekends, but that almost made my homesickness worse during the 1st semester. I'd often come home a day early during the 2nd semester, with some excuse of lectures on a friday being cancelled for whatever reason.

Thanks to anyone who takes time to read and respond to this, i just want some advice on how to explain the truth to my parents. I let on everything was fine during the year, but for my sanity i feel enough is enough and the truth needs to come out

You have to tell your parents you had a breakdown while living in Dublin, print out the above post so that they know the full story. There is no point in lying any further as these lies are the very thing that got you where you are now. Maybe your parents could get a loan to help you out, maybe not but at least you will have all of this out in the open. You cannot bottle this up for much longer. You have all of our support here so confess asap. Good luck.

emuhead

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

Oh god you poor thing. As a serial college drop-out, from a very supportive academic family, I know how it feels. I know how awful it is to disappoint your parents.

At this stage, when you've gone so far as to give them a fake results document, I'm not sure it would be beneficial for you, or for them, or for your relationship, to tell the whole truth. You could tell them calmly and firmly that the course is not for you, and no point spending more money and time on it.

Get a job - even a minimum wage job. Take a couple of years out, live independently (even if close to home, for visiting, if that makes it easier.) Build up savings. Make a plan.

I dropped out of two courses in two colleges before finding the right one. It felt like the end of the world each time, I felt like such a failure, but I can assure you that - with hindsight - it was the right thing for me at the time, although it nearly killed me telling my parents each time! I eventually found a course that suited me in a college that suited me. And I couldn't be happier in my current career - which is a million miles away from my original college course!

When things get on top of me, I always think - "Well, as massive of an issue as this is right now - one year from now, will it be the same?" And, no, in your case, it definitely won't be! No matter what way you choose to deal with, it'll be over and done with very soon.

Please don't let this overwhelm you. And you know, your parents may end up being a lot more understanding than you expect.

Best of luck.

Although there is a lot of great advice on this thread, the above struck me as excellent.

I thought also maybe you could consider the option of seeing someone in student counselling - just to talk it over and explore your options for the future in general. I think you would still be a registered student at this point so you'd be entitled to this free service.

In some colleges they have someone like a 'student engagement officer' or 'student advisory officer' who you talk to if you're thinking of withdrawing / leaving or repeating. They can advise you re all the options - for example, deferring your place (only if you want to).

I mainly wrote the post to add that there are people in the university paid to help you in these circumstances, understandably you might rather not revisit it.

Good luck and try not to worry - this too will pass.

Edit - Sorry, this post is off the point completely. Thought the information might be useful but it's not as immediate a need as speaking to your parents. Agree that no necessity to give all details but let them know the main facts