Depression, dropping out and moving on.

LegacyUser

Hi all.

OK, where to begin.

Well, I'm depressed. My life has been a huge disappointment and a study in incompetence. I turned 30 this year which hasn't helped. I feel my life will never get off the starting blocks and I will never excel and I'll end up destitute.

I graduated in a science field in 2009 (degree prolonged due to illness) and have held two science-related jobs since then. Both were disastrous. I was not good in a lab. My last science job saw me having responsibility taken away from me because my work was not considered good enough. I got very depressed in the role, and this lead to absences and eventually resulted in my resignation. I moved to Dublin after that to move in with my BF last year and rashly chose a business-related postgrad in an attempt to distance myself from science and my failures in that field.

But I entered the course with a very depressed, anxiety-ridden mindset so the course has been a complete disaster. I got a part-time job in February (out of financial necessity) that has become full-time since lectures finished in the summer. It's just data entry, really basic, but stupid as it sounds, I'm so happy I've done pretty well at it. It's pretty dead end though and pays less than minimum wage. I am terrified I will be stuck in low pay for life.

I have exams repeats in 2.5 weeks that I am not ready for and I think I am just going to withdraw from the course. I've found the year so trying - the transition back to full-time education after time away, the lack of social life, the money worries, the inability to concentrate, the lack of time spent with my BF and family, not having time for things I enjoy, like cooking and volunteering at animal shelters, all underpinned by depression. My loved ones will be incredibly disappointed in me though.

From a moving forward point of view, how will this look? Is it OK to just explain that the transition back to education was too difficult or is that a huge red flag to prospective employers? The leaving of my last job is worrisome too, but at the same time, I had planned to relocate to Dublin to move in with my BF anyway. I wouldn't mind working in my postgrad field but without completing, I doubt that will happen.

I just feel so depressed and lost and like such a massive failure. I've been depressed before but there is a new feature this time is that sometimes, very brief thoughts flash into my head of how it might be nice to just stuff some pills in my mouth or not emerge from the water in the bath and just finish it all. That's very new for me, I never had any suicidal thoughts at all before this bout. But this feels like a new kind of hopeless. The availability of information now about well my peers are doing (LinkedIn and stuff) has magnified how crap I feel about myself.

I'm not even really sure what I am asking, just need to vent and get some unbiased viewpoints (ie. not family or BF or friends)

Rubberchikken

you enjoy data entry. you're good at it. i know it's basic, i did it years ago when floppy discs were new:0

could you concentrate on it for the moment and also have a word with your gp?
tbh i wouldn't worry too much about what others think about your life and where you are at 30. the only person it concerns is you.

could you re-do the exams at a later time?
take care.

sadie06

OP, sorry to hear you are so down on yourself. I'm dashing out the door here, but one thing leaps out at me here. You have a science background, and you love animals.

Would you consider veterinary nursing? You could study part-time, keep up your data entry job (which you don't hate) in the mean time, and then end up doing something you really love in the future.

Have a look here. An old thread, I know, but it may give you ideas.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=65553148

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

you enjoy data entry. you're good at it. i know it's basic, i did it years ago when floppy discs were new:0

could you concentrate on it for the moment and also have a word with your gp?
tbh i wouldn't worry too much about what others think about your life and where you are at 30. the only person it concerns is you.

could you re-do the exams at a later time?
take care.

Well, I'm definitely going to start back on an anti-d which I took before and which certainly helped a bit. (though not a magic bullet obviously)

I don't think I'll have the option to repeat them as I simply won't be able to afford it. There'd be an exam fee and sometimes you have to repeat the module to repeat the exams.

LegacyUser

sadie06 wrote: »

OP, sorry to hear you are so down on yourself. I'm dashing out the door here, but one thing leaps out at me here. You have a science background, and you love animals.

Would you consider veterinary nursing? You could study part-time, keep up your data entry job (which you don't hate) in the mean time, and then end up doing something you really love in the future.

Have a look here. An old thread, I know, but it may give you ideas.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=65553148

Well, full-time study would definitely not be for me, I struggled enough with it the first time round and this year too. (Not through lack of mental ability, I just find studying really really tough, I much prefer learning on the job, I am much more motivated when not learning in a vacuum if that makes sense?) I got a good degree in the end but am done with it for sure.

I just am afraid that dropping out will weigh on me a lot and it's like another failure to add to all the others. How I'm perceived has always affected me to a crippling degree and it's something I find hard to shake.

thegreatgonzo

sadie06 wrote: »

Would you consider veterinary nursing? You could study part-time, keep up your data entry job (which you don't hate) in the mean time, and then end up doing something you really love in the future.

Have a look here. An old thread, I know, but it may give you ideas.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=65553148

Unfortunately there is no longer a part time study option for veterinary nursing.
But there are other animal related courses such as ELISTA courses, (I was just looking at them in relation to another thread I'm following) that sound very interesting.
I think OP you need to be talking to your GP about your depression first of all. Also see if you can take your repeats at a later date which would take the pressure off you now.

InReality

I found when I was depressed that big decisions seemed very urgent and yet I was in exactly the wrong state of mind to make them.
I found having a good counsellor was the key to me getting out of my depressions , hopefully you can find one that suits you and helps

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses. I'm slightly in mourning for the course I'm about to fail at the moment.

Arcturus IV

OP, I know this is probably late to the party, but I'm going to throw my two cents in here by saying that you need to stop and think long and hard about yourself. You need to think very carefully about where things went wrong and why, even if they were painful. What you need to do is also think more importantly about where you're strengths are, what you are good at and try to focus on building your skills there. Also, I know this may sound difficult, but talking to the people closest around is sometimes the best solution. Telling them about how you feel and what you're going through mentally sometimes is the best way in helping to get yourself back on track and getting your mind focused. Look after yourself OP and take care.

neemish

I've had depression for a LONG time, all through my teens, twenties and now thirties. So have had my fair share of repeating, doing worse than expected in exams, deferring exams AND college, not showing up for one final...you name it, I've done it! At the time, it seemed like such a huge deal- I was the only person this had ever happened to, no one would ever employ me, my life was a mess etc etc. In fact, this thinking was part of the depression.

I was at an all time low when I left uni. No job, lying in bed in my mothers house all the time. I got long term disability. And then I was offered two hours voluntary work a week. And then another two evenings from somewhere else which meant getting rent allowance and moving closer to a city. And then a part time job was offered. Slowly, slowly I built myself up. And I've now been in full time employment for over five years and was made permanent last year. But it took me years to get there.

What I'm saying is, if this small job is what you can manage then go with it. Defer the exams. the damn things will still be there next year. Find yourself a decent counsellor and work at the issues that are holding you back. Do your voluntary work - you never know where it might lead. And know that there are so many roads to get to where you want to be. Not everyone has to have a permanent, pensionable job; a house and mortgage and 2.8 kids by the time they are 35!

As to how to explain all this? I said that it was a combination of personal issues and family responsibilities for the two years I didn't work at all. And then was able to show voluntary and part time work and they were happy with that. Employers aren't concerned with what you were doing ten years ago (unless you're the CEO or something!) For most people, it's what have you been doing recently.

Take a breath, talk your options through with a neutral party, get support for those nasty thoughts. Take a step back from the situation and know that there is a resolution, maybe you just can't see it at the moment.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the kind words.

I probably won't be to defer my exams so I am probably going to cut my loses.

I will be moving to a salaried rather than waged position in my job, so that's good.

My problem is I have always compared myself to others to a crippling degree and it has really held me back in my life. I also find it difficult to knuckle down to learning new things. Very short attention span and lack of confidence. Things to work on!

dougalbear

Been looking at threads in personal issues forum from time to time to see if there is anyone who feels similar to the way I do and my goodness sadpanda84 the only difference that I can see between us is a digit in our username. I can completely relate to you in so many instances.

When you said how you compare yourself to others that really stuck a chord with me, doing so has held me back so much in my life too. I try my utmost to avoid linkedin and facebook now because at times a name of someone you knew from school or university would flash across your mind and the voice in your head would prompt you to "look them up" ...it is so self destructive, I have found its like a way of punishing myself - Thankfully I have built up the strength of mind as of late to control my actions better in that regard. Someone close to me has reiterated to time and time again that when you compare yourself to others you only put yourself down in every sense of the word.