I want a relationship with my brother

LegacyUser

My brother is almost 29 and I'm 24 four. When we were kids we got on great, especially since we lived in a rural so we had to play with each other. Despite this I always felt like he didn't like me. He was very mean but I realise now, having worked with kids, that most of that was regular big brother stuff (calling me stupid, telling me I was adopted etc.), but even when he did nice things I usually took them the wrong way. For example when our primary school got a computer he was in sixth class and was allowed to use it so he printed me out a picture of an elephant. I didn't realise you could only print in black and white, I thought he'd done that on purpose because he knew I would have preferred colour so I ripped it up in front of him and we were both very upset. But on the whole we enjoyed each others company.

When he started secondary school I saw less and less of him. I started getting news about him through my parents. But when he was home it was still fine. When I started secondary school we basically stopped talking entirely. He was a really cool fifth year and I was too intimidated to talk to him. I was a 1st year who had no friends and was bullied, he was too embarrassed to talk to me. People would laugh when they found out we were siblings and say stuff like "I'm going to tell him what a loser his sister is."

When he finished school he got slightly easier to talk to but he was away at college and rarely ever home, even during the holidays. Neither of us are big on texting and I would have been too intimidated anyway. When he went on erasmus my cousin and I visited him (because I wouldn't go alone) and I realised that we actually did have quite a bit in common and got on quite well but it was still all very awkward and forced.

But anyway I'm going to flash forward 8ish years to now. Our relationship still hasn't changed. We both live abroad which has helped slightly 'cause it's nice to visit but still conversation is stilted. We still never see each other alone unless we happen to be in the same city. I think this might actually be a blessing 'cause his GF likes me and tries very hard to engage with me.

I don't ever expect to be super close to my brother but sometimes I worry that when my parents are gone we just won't speak at all. I feel like there is some weird wall between us. I always blame it on when we were kids. Maybe it's just my shyness, because I literally never know what to say to him. I get all his news from my mum, I know all his answers. I'd love to just be able to pick up the phone and call him, for no reason, even just for five minutes every couple of months. Even the thought of doing that makes me so nervous.

ManOfMystery

OP it doesn't sound like there's really any discernible reason for this emotional distance between you both. No drama, no big cataclysmic event which kicked it off ................. just normal childhood stuff, and it's just how things evolved. If I'm honest, it seems like there's a bit of social anxiety on your part though.

He's just your brother. He won't bite! You're not ringing him for a job interview, you're just calling him up because he's your brother and you'd like a chat. Of course, the ball is as much in his court as it is in yours, but I'd imagine he's detected this hint of unease from you and who knows how he's taken that - perhaps he thinks you don't like being round him? Perhaps he's nervous too? You'll never know if you don't engage.

Just pick up the phone tonight and give him a ring. A day will come when you both are much older and looking back, and I guarantee you'll be wondering why you didn't just get in touch sooner when there was no real reason not to.

LegacyUser

Why did you start "getting news of him through (your) parents" when he started secondary school and why did you ever become intimidated by the idea of talking to him?