Am I wrong for feeling this way??

LegacyUser

I have been friends with my best friend (lets call her Ashley) since we were children (we're now in our early 20s).

As a person, she can be very superficial and I've always known that, she's not exactly the type of person you would go to for emotional support or to have a deep meaningful chat. She's more someone I would go out on nights out with or have a laugh with, but at the moment she is one of the few friends I have as I have drifted away from a lot of my other friends, mainly for circumstantial reasons.

Anyway, recently Ashley has befriended another group of girls. I don't know them as well as she does, but I do know them, and I get on with them. But since she has befriended them, she goes out with them all the time and doesn't invite me. I feel so upset and jealous when I see pictures of them all out and wonder where my invitation went to. I always invited her to places with me, because she was my best friend. Last year they all went on holiday too, and again, I wasn't invited. Because I'm in such a lonely place at the moment this has been particularly difficult.

I did ask that Ashley include me in her nights out and she said she would, only for me to see pictures uploaded of them all out a few days later. I feel so hurt, angry and betrayed. I stopped txting her because I realised it was me always txting first, me always making the effort. Over a month has passed now and she hasnt txt me.

I am very angry and upset, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm being possessive or clingy here, or if I am in the right? Of course everyone is entitled to have other friends, but is what she's doing as mean as I am perceiving it or am I overreacting??

Thank you

IrishEyes19

I dont think you are being clingy but cant you see from your own post that you dont even like her that much but call her your best friend, she doesn't sound like a very good friend to say the least. If I were you, I would leave with dignity and start making new friends through clubs, activities. don't waste your tears on someone who isn't worth it.

StormWarrior

It sounds like she's trying to cut you out of her life and hoping you'll get the message. I mean she hasn't contacted you in ages, and she's posting those pictures knowing that you'll see them and realise she didn't want you there. I'm sorry but a friend cut me out once and I know the signs.

December2012

Well, yeah you do sound possessive.

I was out at the weekend for a friends birthday. Should I have invited my other friend who was at a loose end? No.

Best friends aren't partners - you don't have to put each other first, and to place such a high standard is unhealthy.

Stavro Mueller

Possessive or clingy aren't the words I'd use. I'd be more incined to say you're hurt and perhaps a little needy because you're lonely.

I've seen quite a few threads here from people who are hurt that their childhood friends appear to be phasing them out of their lives. While it's lovely to see these lifelong friendships survive, the reality is that a lot of them fizzle out. People change as they get older and that can mean they've nothing in common with their childhood friends any more.

To me it looks like Ashley has moved on with her life. She's got these new friends and has decided that your face doesn't fit. Maybe the group in general doesn't want you there but she's not making any effort to see you at all. It's telling that she hasn't initiated contact in over a month.

If you weren't so lonely this might not be bothering you so much. Because you're sat at home(?) with few friends around, this is hurting you more.

The only advice I can give you is to forget Ashley and try to make new friends. At least you have your other friends around - would some of them be willing to come along with you to different things where you could meet new people?

krispin

Sadly, Ashley is being mean, and because of the history between you, it feels like she owes you more than this, more than what's she giving (or not giving), and it's natural to feel angry and hurt about that. You're not being possessive or clingy.

Even though you've explained how you'd like to be involved, quite frankly, Ashley has not been supportive, and she hasn't been considerate or honest to you, either. If Ashley no longer sees your friendship going anywhere from now on, the ideal thing is to tell you, preferably to your face, as you were childhood friends for a while and that's got to count for something. But that's not easy for Ashley to do; you've said this yourself. You describe Ashley as "superficial" and not the type of person to have a deep, meaningful conversation with. I know this couldn't have come at a worse time, especially since you're feeling low and lonely as it is, but it has, and you'll have to slowly move on, whether you like it or not.

I had a 'friend' do this to me too. Although we weren't friends for very long (a couple of years), it felt like I was wrong for reacting to the hurt and anger. But it isn't wrong. It's natural. You care about Ashley still, and this might sound a little weird, but losing a female friend you consider as your "best friend" is like splitting up with your boyfriend. It's hard because of the history and the personal things you've shared and the fact you know each other better than most. And it's also hard because you don't want to feel anger towards them because it feels like, this time, you'll never make up, not like before. Therefore, instead of taking your feelings out on them, you're taking them out on yourself, and that isn't good for you.

It's a shame, honestly, that Ashley didn't respect all those years you spent together. She should have just told you. In a letter or even on a phone call. But a lot of people take the easy way out. From the sounds of things, you're not a bad person and you've tried to cope with the issue as best as you can. However, do yourself a list of why your friendship is great and why your friendship isn't, then look long and hard and ask yourself whether it's worth it. You'll feel bad for walking away, but it's better than being ignored and left out, right? You're worth a different friend, a better friend!

LegacyUser

SkyBlues55 wrote: »

I have been friends with my best friend (lets call her Ashley) since we were children (we're now in our early 20s).

As a person, she can be very superficial and I've always known that, she's not exactly the type of person you would go to for emotional support or to have a deep meaningful chat. She's more someone I would go out on nights out with or have a laugh with, but at the moment she is one of the few friends I have as I have drifted away from a lot of my other friends, mainly for circumstantial reasons.

Anyway, recently Ashley has befriended another group of girls. I don't know them as well as she does, but I do know them, and I get on with them. But since she has befriended them, she goes out with them all the time and doesn't invite me. I feel so upset and jealous when I see pictures of them all out and wonder where my invitation went to. I always invited her to places with me, because she was my best friend. Last year they all went on holiday too, and again, I wasn't invited. Because I'm in such a lonely place at the moment this has been particularly difficult.

I did ask that Ashley include me in her nights out and she said she would, only for me to see pictures uploaded of them all out a few days later. I feel so hurt, angry and betrayed. I stopped txting her because I realised it was me always txting first, me always making the effort. Over a month has passed now and she hasnt txt me.

I am very angry and upset, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm being possessive or clingy here, or if I am in the right? Of course everyone is entitled to have other friends, but is what she's doing as mean as I am perceiving it or am I overreacting??

Thank you

Hey OP

I posted here a few months ago about a situation almost identical to yours....I occassionally venture onto this forum from time to time so when I seen your post I knew I had to reply.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057193024

Here is a link to the thread I posted before, I found comfort in people's kind words and I the advice really was excellent....maybe youll find it of some use to your situation.

As someone going through the same thing I can completely empathise and I believe its completely justified, at some point early on when Ashley and this group were making plans they decided to leave you out.

Its a bítch to have your "best friend" treat you that way, and as an earlier poster said its like breaking up with a bf, probably worse cause youve been friends with this girl for so long. I know Ive decided to live my life and not have my two "friends" hold me behind waiting for them to talk to me, do stuff with me, and the impossible invite me out with them; Im going to go out there and live my life without them. Im sure you can do the same Its hard....making friends isnt easy for young people despite what the media/elders would have you believe....its something Im still working on, but I think Im improving, I have managed to keep in touch with my course buds over summer, and you know what it was them making the effort as well as me, they initiated messages.......I wasnt doing all the heavy work, like what I was previously doing with my 2 friends and what your doing with Ashley.

Its immature, childish and just mean on her part. Forget about Ashley, she doesnt care about you, as hard as that may be, she might think she does but actions speak louder than words. (I need to take my own advice :P) You deserve more than Ashley....you really do. Anyone who treats a "best friend" like that doesnt deserve friendship......

Take Care xoxo

retro:electro

Is sounds like this friendship never has much substance to it tbh. I mean if ye are friends most of your lives and ye can't have a deep and meaningful conversations or go to her for emotional support, well that doesn't say much. She sounds like the type of girl who just wants friends around her for the "craic" and not much else, you seem to want a friendship that has more substance to it than the superficial level she has to offer.
Looks like you both want different things. You have told her how you felt and she disregarded your feelings so it may be time to let this one go.

tenifan

People move on. You sound like fairly different people anyway so let her go.