Family & money issues

begrandx

Hi all, I'd like some advice please, I broke up with my partner 1 year ago we have a 3 year old son together, he went off to start his own business and I decided to move home to my parents.
My parents are struggling a lot financially (huge mortgage, dad self employed and economic downturn etc) and I preferred the idea of helping them out instead of paying a landlord rent.
I was very lucky to land a very well paid job for a years contract, so all was going well the 1st few months I was giving parents a nice lump some every month to cover bills and help out and for the first time in my life I started to save money for myself, I should also mention that I'm not getting anything from my ex partner as he claims he's starting a business and doesn't have it (but that's another story)
However, things have gotten progressively worse, my parents have asked for more and more very month it's now risen to 800 or 900 for last few months with the promise I'll get it back but I never do, I stupidly told my brother I had saved up money to buy a car. I'm currently driving the old car I shared with my ex and need a newer (2nd hand) car.
Now my fathers van, which he relies on for work has broken down completely and he has no money to buy a new one, so he asked me for a loan of my savings.
I'm really struggling as it is I'm a single mother, paying fulltime creche fees and have forked over an awful lot of my wages already which I'll never see again.
I feel like crying I'm so frustrated, my dad has worked hard all his life and was always good to me, I hate to see him struggling with money, it's aged him a lot.
But on the other hand I have 2 brothers who contribute nothing and they're always out every weekend, 1 of them works part time the other ones is jobless. They take total advantage of my parents and me, come over looking for loans all the time, eat all the food (most of it mine) but never buy any themselves (they live nearby).
My parents can't see any wrong in it, I can't open my mouth and rant because I'm just being ignored and told I've turned into a grumpy b**ch!
My contract for this jobs is over in 3 months which means I wont be able to save the money again to buy myself a car.
I don't know what to do anymore I feel like they're all bleeding me dry, that they don't really give a sh*t how I feel once im still forking over money and the bills get paid.
I had spotted a car online and was all excited about buying it but now I would feel like the biggest b***h on earth if I went and bought it and left my dad with no van and no way of working.
I don't know what advice I'm expecting just wondering if anyone has gone thru anything similar?
We're a very close family and I love them all to death but I am so frustrated and don't want this to turn nasty

Jenneke87

It's time for some firm boundaries I think. First of all, your money you decide what happens to it. You need a safe car for yourself and your little one. You owe your brothers nothing and calling you a grumpy bitch if you dare to speak up reeks of emotional blackmail and it's working, because let's be honest, they'd be lost without your money.

Money can make people quite nasty unfortunately and some people have a weird sense of entitlement once it comes to other peoples money. You need to be honest with them: that in a few months time your contract ends and you'll not be having this kind of money anymore and that you cannot help out everyone that comes knocking on your door. And if they start balking ask them how they would have fared if you hadn't helped them out, which you were under no obligation to do and that you did the best you could and if they don't appreciate it, they can go to a bank next time and see how far they'll get.

Rubberchikken

instead of handing money over could you rent your own place and start looking after yourself and your child.
tbh you're not responsible for your family. their loans/debts are their concern, and i say that as someone who has helped family members if they've ever needed it.

hoodwinked

op as others have said you need to start putting yourself and you child first,

if your dad asks for your savings i would be firm and explain that in 3 months time you may be unemployed, and you will be 100% financially dependent on the savings to see you through, see how they take that and you'll see how you'll be treated once your money dries up.

secondly, i know its not easy but try and find another contract, moving out now will only be detrimental to you if you are left with no income, so try to sort out longer term employment (or a new contract) first,

if you are confident your contract will be renewed,

then move out. for €900 a month in most counties that will rent you a lovely three bedroomed house for you and your child.

once you have moved out, you can spend your savings on a car if you wish with no judgement, or help them out, but having distance from the situation should help you see things clearer.

mylefttesticle

You have a child and he has to be your first priority not just now but in the future and that means having the means to support him and so he has the basic things in life.

You family are taking advantage of you but only because you are letting them.
Lower the bar and do it now, pre-empt and your contract is up soon so sit your parents down and say you need to pay less as you are not sure about your long tern job prospects and that you need to start thinking of your child schooling which will start soon and the money you need for that.

Tell them you need to lower your monthly payments to them to €600 per month explain this is the norm for house sharing and that if this is not good enough for them then you will need to move out.

Your father is a grown up and if he needs a van for work then he can pick one up for cheap enough on donedeal for instance it may not be the greatest van but it will do until he himself can afford something better.


Start standing up for yourself and let people think what they think.

Get maintenance from your ex, it is his child too and he should contribute, its not your business if he wants to start a business and it takes time, he should be giving something towards the upkeep of his child.

Best of luck and just cause they are your family and they love you and you love them does not mean they cant be ass holes and take advantage of you.

LegacyUser

Op you really need to think of you and your kid here. What happens when your contract ends and you end up on the dole? Are they going to be taking all your dole money off you too?
You should have given them a set amount like 500 per month and stopped at that, now they think you are a bank.
You are a parent yourself with lots of bills and responsibilities? Your kid should be number one priority.
Your parents are grown adults who seem to have made bad financial decisions, I don't understand why you think it's your responsibility to sort them out. Honestly when it comes to other peoples debts especially family you should stay well out of the picture. I get the impression from your post that you think you owe it to your parents to sort them out. What about your kid? Don't you have a responsibility to look after him and save for his future?

begrandx

Hi op here, thanks for all your replies, ya my parents made very bad financial decisions which has landed them in this mess.
I do feel guilty watching my dad struggle so much as he's such a hard worker and never gets a break, I know I shouldn't but maybe it's that he looked after us all so well when we were growing up.
I've decided to sit him down and try get him to see sense, maybe his debt could be consolidated or there's a better way to cope! He's not the type to go looking for information that way (old school)
I'm also going to move out if I get my contract renewed.
If I hand over the money now and end up on the dole I'll end up resenting all of them and I don't want that.