Marraige Advice Please

LegacyUser

Hi All,

going unreg for this one!

Bit of background regarding my relationship.I'm with my husband 15 years, married 4. We met as roommates, so we have never not lived together. And quite young when we got together, although we thought we knew it all then!

The last 8-12 months I have been feeling bored, irritated, and just wondering if I really do love him as much as I should, or is it just a comfortable life that I have just been part of? Do I really want to stay married? Is this a common thing for people, and should I just stick it out and hope for the best.

We had a row last week, as apparently I've not been the same for a while, and have been going out a bit more than usual. Which is true, but I love to meet my friends and socialize, and for the last few years I have been staying in at the weekends, but I just decided to start going out again, even if he doesn't want me to. On the rare occasions he does come out, we end up having a row either on the way, or on the way home. That is just not a fun and enjoyable night, so we are better off not going out together.

We have had our problems previously, before we were married I did have a snog (that's it!) with someone else, and he has never let me forget it. So I know he still doesn't trust me, but he honestly has nothing to worry about. But the constant, is there someone else, etc is doing my head in. I am a private person, and find it hard to express my feelings, so maybe that's my fault.

He is a sociable person, but doesn't like going out! But he doesn't have any friends really to even meet for a coffee, and I feel like I am all he has. If he just got a hobbie, made an effort to go and do something, instead of everyday home from work and eat and flop in front of the tv.
Now not saying I'm an angel and have no faults, as I love doing that sometimes, but not everyday of the week.

Money has also been an issue, I earn more than him, and although he says it doesn't bother him, it does a little. And it bothers me too sometimes, as in he takes for granted that money is there just to be spent, and never thinks about the future. He has lost jobs a couple of times over the last few years, and it has taken a toll on me too. I feel like I have to be the responsible one all the time (I pay all the bills and sort out all finances, he never has had to even pay one bill).

I'm just wondering, and I jumping the gun in saying that I would like a bit of time to myself, and maybe one of us move out for a while. Or maybe go away for a few weeks on a holiday on my own....haha just imagining that conversation! Or is this a bit drastic? I do love him as I say, but the irritations are beginning to turn into resentments, and I don't want either of us to end up hating each other .

He has suggested counseling, but I'm not sure about going together (well initially anyway), or even going at all. Do most people go together? or is it OK to go on your own first?

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble, so if anyone has any advice, we are going to try to have a chat properly tonight....

Magicmatilda

I think you should take him up on his suggestion of counselling.

You seem to minimise the infidelity that you had (use of a exclamation mark indicates you don't take it seriously), Did you minimise it at the time? It sounds like he was very hurt but if his feelings werent't honoured that will have festered massively. Then when he suggest counselling obviously because he wants to fix the problems or at least address them, you minimise his feelings again, by not being willing to go, why are you so against that idea?

You are absolutely entitled to go to counselling alone but if one party in a marraige suggests it and the other won't go then one would have to assume they have no interest in resolving any issues.

I think a holiday alone might be a good idea but I would suggest that you discuss that in counselling with him.

Have you ever honestly discussed your feelings about anything with each other? Does he know you resent that you are the breadwinner? These are the things that counselling can address.

To be honest it sounds like you don't want this marraige to work. You just want to be given permission to leave it.

Your husband does sound like he has issues, and he sounds like no picnic to live with but at least he is willing to try.

Do you actually want to be married to him anymore?

LegacyUser

Hi magimatilda, thanks for taking the time to reply.

Apologies, I wasn't trying minimizing the infidelity, I was just trying to point the fact that it wasn't a full blown affair, that it was a one off kiss that lasted about 10 seconds. I know it was wrong, and I have apologised for it and hoped it was behind us.
He did do something worse, and I have forgiven him, put it behind me and have never ever brought it up again.

I do have interest in going to counseling, but I think I need to sort out my head first myself, before going straight into it. But as I said Ive never been, and if going together will be just as beneficial, then I am open to any suggestions/opinions.

We haven't really discussed in detail about our feelings Id say since just before we were married. And then after that, just a little here and there. We just haven't in about a year. I presumed we both just thought everything would work out. We seem just to be coasting along. We are sitting down tonight to try to figure out what is going on/what we can do about it.

I'm sure he does know I resent it a bit, but I haven't come out and said it bluntly as he gets quite defense over it.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I do want to be married anymore, but I don't know if this is just one of those phases that people go through. I'm not happy, but I'm not completely miserable. He is a good person overall and he does love me, and I know if any of mine or his family knew about this they would think I'm nuts for even thinking this way.

I know marriage needs to be worked on, and we have worked on stuff previously, I just think it always feels like we go back to the same place as we have been. I'm just tired of the snipes, and arguments at this stage, and trying to predict his humour in the evenings.

Magicmatilda

I really think the counselling would be good for you.

Marraige counselling treats the marraige whereas personal counselling treats you.

You could realistically do both in parallel.

Maybe you could try the marraige counselling for a few weeks, even just to get the chance to explain why you would like a holiday alone, or some time alone and hammer out the initial issues. But you will need to both be very honest in there, no point otherwise.

Incidentally are there any children involved?

LegacyUser

yeah I reckon you are right and that counseling is the right way to go at this stage. Even if it ends up not the answer either of us are looking for.

No, we have no kids. Its just the 2 of us.
I know he would like one or two, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea now.
Ill probably get an earful for this, but I always thought if I was to have a kid, I would want to be able to stay at home for a year or two, but being the responsible one I don't think I can/want to at this moment.

Addle

mona2014 wrote: »

I'm not sure if that's a good idea now.
Ill probably get an earful for this, but I always thought if I was to have a kid, I would want to be able to stay at home for a year or two, but being the responsible one I don't think I can/want to at this moment.

Hi OP.
This is, at the least, the third thread of a similar theme in the last few days, so you're not alone in your mindset.
Don't let one possible issue shroud your whole marriage.
The best way to get to the bottom of it is by talking, and the most efficient means is by using a professional as an intermediary.

LegacyUser

Hi Addle,

Are there really? Its good to know I'm not that alone in my thinking.
Its not the only issue that's on my mind at all, its a mixture of everything. So I'm not sure if because of a lot of little things these issues are spiraling into one big one.

But yes, I probably do need to get some perspective on it all, and hopeful when we do go down the counseling route this will only be of benefit one way or another.

flagnoflag

Hi there, go to counselling, from personal experience if you want to stay married go to counselling. It is not easy but it is worthwhile. I recommend accord, they are super. good luck