evicting my son

dubstarr

How can i get my 18 year old son out of the house.He refuses to pay anything towards the house,can be very aggressive and im worried hes going to lose it one day.I dont know what to do.

ABajaninCork

Throw his stuff out, change the locks and call the Gards? Tell him to get his gear with Gard supervision...

Kristopherus

You can apply to the courts for a barring order. You should talk to your solicitor. Or FLAC if you cannot afford a solr.

kumate_champ07

if he doesnt have a drink or drug problem is there any family/relations that can take him in?

dubstarr

No drink or drugs.I think im gonna have to go teh barring order way.

kumate_champ07

so he'll have this on his record.

18yr olds can get aggressive but thats frustration + testosterone, has he threatened physical harm? going down this route should be the last resort

dubstarr

Hes very domineering,i have younger kids that i have to protect.

tayto lover

Before you go the legal route try everything else. You should ask him to sit down with you and explain to him how his behaviour if effecting the entire family. You should also try to see things from his view too and maybe come up with a solution that suits both of you. Show him the household bills etc and explain how hard it is to make ends meet and that you need his help.

He might just see common sense.
The legal route could make things worse for the future and lead to a serious breakdown between you which you might regret in the future.

Oink

tayto lover wrote: »

Before you go the legal route try everything else. You should ask him to sit down with you and explain to him how his behaviour if effecting the entire family. You should also try to see things from his view too and maybe come up with a solution that suits both of you. Show him the household bills etc and explain how hard it is to make ends meet and that you need his help.

He might just see common sense.
The legal route could make things worse for the future and lead to a serious breakdown between you which you might regret in the future.

With respect, his own mum isnt sure that the kids in the house are safe with him around. I think we're past the talking time. No messing when it comes to kids' safety. If his own mother isnt sure, it's time for him to get out and stay out.
If she is afraid, then he is ALREADY abusive. No ifs no buts. Out.

Protect the kids now. Talk later.

dubstarr

dubstarr wrote: »

How can i get my 18 year old son out of the house.He refuses to pay anything towards the house,can be very aggressive and im worried hes going to lose it one day.I dont know what to do.

Is he in School, College or working? I would be very reluctant to push him out. If he's having problems, help him to get help, not push him away. That hasn't come accross right, but I'd hope all avenues are explored before getting him out, as that would possible end your relationship and that with his siblings, for good.

Little CuChulainn

It's unlikely a barring order will be granted if there hasn't been any threat of violence. A safety order will likely be the best to hope for. I'm not saying don't go for the barring order, I'm saying have a plan B.

glued

You're going down the scorched earth route. If you decide to go through the courts for a solution then there is no turning back. You have to consider the safety of your children but you also have to consider why your son is acting in such a manner. What has brought this on? Perhaps coming to an alternative option for the moment is a better solution. Can he stay with a relative? Can he stay with a friend? Perhaps you both can meet under supervision and discuss things in an appropriate environment and come to a reasonable resolution.

I'm sure his side of the story is completely different and he may feel wronged by you and your style of parenting. Let's not forget that he is your child and while he may be 18 now putting him out on the street seems like a very harsh resolution.

Seems like the crux of the issue here is money. Can he afford any contribution? Seems like a complete overreaction. If he was being aggressive then why are you complaining about money?

tayto lover

Oink wrote: »

With respect, his own mum isnt sure that the kids in the house are safe with him around. I think we're past the talking time. No messing when it comes to kids' safety. If his own mother isnt sure, it's time for him to get out and stay out.
If she is afraid, then he is ALREADY abusive. No ifs no buts. Out.

Protect the kids now. Talk later.

She didn't say he was violent though. She said he was domineering and verbally aggressive. He is only 18 as yet and people can change. As substance abuse does not seem to be a factor maybe he needs counselling or anger management. He probably needs help himself.

Mackas_view

I am shocked at the amount of people advising this woman to throw her 18 year old son out of the house. He's still a bou for gods sake people let's get a grip here. Get the boy help find the source of his problems. He is your child help him get through what he's goin through there are a lot of services out there that you can avail of. "Evicting" him is not or at least should no be an option.

Do you want him to find drink and drugs? Cause I can assure you that that's what will happen.

Give the boy a chance and get him help.

maccydoodies

I don't mean to pry but where is his dad around? If not is there someone that you can get to talk to?

I know myself that teenagers can be very very demanding and draining but if you try and talk and treat him like and adult he might possibly gain some understanding that what he is putting the family through.

The court route would be the very very lat resort as pervious poster has said there is no going back from that.

Best of luck

Little CuChulainn

Mackas_view wrote: »

I am shocked at the amount of people advising this woman to throw her 18 year old son out of the house. He's still a bou for gods sake people let's get a grip here. Get the boy help find the source of his problems. He is your child help him get through what he's goin through there are a lot of services out there that you can avail of. "Evicting" him is not or at least should no be an option.

Do you want him to find drink and drugs? Cause I can assure you that that's what will happen.

Give the boy a chance and get him help.

She's helped him for 18 years. He's old enough to understand the effects of his actions and behaviour on others but it appears he has no concept of consequence on himself. It's great to be able to tell someone to get a grip and deal with it but the stress of living with such a disruptive and intimidating person can have serious consequences on a persons mental and physical health. If he is as bad as she says then he's no different than an abusive spouse and should be treated as such.

I'm sure if he ever wants a mother she'll be there for him, that doesn't mean she has to be a door mat to facilitate his demands and put up with his intimidation.

Little CuChulainn

maccydoodies wrote: »

The court route would be the very very lat resort as pervious poster has said there is no going back from that.

Yes there is. Domestic violence orders are not criminal records and can be removed upon request to a judge. As long as he doesn't breach it, it shouldn't have very much effect on him.

HurtLocker

Mackas_view wrote: »

I am shocked at the amount of people advising this woman to throw her 18 year old son out of the house. He's still a bou for gods sake people let's get a grip here. Get the boy help find the source of his problems. He is your child help him get through what he's goin through there are a lot of services out there that you can avail of. "Evicting" him is not or at least should no be an option.

Do you want him to find drink and drugs? Cause I can assure you that that's what will happen.

Give the boy a chance and get him help.

He's 18 an adult. The OP wants advice on how to evict her son. One should presume the OP has thought about this before posting here.She didnt post to be told she is doing the wrong thing. She believes it is the right thing for them and once given the info on how to do this it is up to her how to act. Its not up to anyone here to be the judge of what is best but the OP. The OP is an adult and should be trusted to do what she thinks is best for her family. We on the other hand dont know the full story other than the brief background info and to be honest have no right to the full story.

Telling her that her son will find drugs and drink if she proceeds is guilt tripping her and quite frankly unfair on the OP and youve no right to make her feel guilty about choice her son may or may not take in the future. For all you know the son is a serious threat and she has given him chances and sought help

ABC101

It may be an option if he was to live with a relative for a while, in addition a good friend of the family may be able to talk to him and explain other perspectives which he requires to consider i.e. younger siblings, respect, responsibility, future career. etc.

At 18 he has his life in front of him... develop / progress a career plan, and a lot of work to do if he is to become financially secure. Certainly with the cost of living / taxes the way they are young people today are going to struggle to make it.

In my own opinion... father figures are very important to teenagers / young adults, if his father is around.. perhaps he could become more involved in getting his son to successfully progress to his next stage in life etc.

In the absence of a father figure... perhaps counseling as to why he is unhappy.

If you have tried all the above... then clear lines in the sand have to be made etc.... disrespectful / dangerous behavior will not be tolerated, you can start off with safety orders, protection orders, barring orders etc.

Best of luck anyway OP, and remember you are not the first to experience this upsetting situation, and you certainly won't be the last but there is help / experience out there which can assist you & your family to get over this hurdle.

eviltwin

Barring order or safety order is probably the best way to go if you have fears for your safety. You can apply for both at the same time. It might be no harm to contact Women's Aid as well for support and further advice.

Young Blood

Let's hope the OP isn't the type of person who will resort to police and court services to solve minor disputes.

Those type of people can do a lot of damage to people's lives so I would suggest exercise caution.

The last thing the OP would want to do is give her son a certain 'reputation' that he will carry with him for a long time to come.

ABajaninCork

Young Blood wrote: »

Let's hope the OP isn't the type of person who will resort to police and court services to solve minor disputes.

Those type of people can do a lot of damage to people's lives so I would suggest exercise caution.

The last thing the OP would want to do is give her son a certain 'reputation' that he will carry with him for a long time to come.

How do you know the OP's problem is minor? How do you define 'minor'?

I think - her house, her rules. I assume she's tried to resolve by other means. If the son cannot follow the rules, then he needs to go. Her other children are probably suffering through all this.

eviltwin

Young Blood wrote: »

Let's hope the OP isn't the type of person who will resort to police and court services to solve minor disputes.

Those type of people can do a lot of damage to people's lives so I would suggest exercise caution.

The last thing the OP would want to do is give her son a certain 'reputation' that he will carry with him for a long time to come.

That is very unfair, no one here knows how long this has been going on for or what kind of aggression the OP's son has displayed. I'm sure she hasn't made this decision lightly and she needs to protect herself and her other children. He's 18, he is young but not a child and 18 yr old men can be very physically intimidating, he could do a lot of harm if he loses it one day. Besides which he is old enough to be responsible for his own actions.

baaba maal

I think the OP should expand on the issues mentioned- there are a lot of opinions being thrown around here with very little detail to go on.

HurtLocker

Young Blood wrote: »

Let's hope the OP isn't the type of person who will resort to police and court services to solve minor disputes.

Those type of people can do a lot of damage to people's lives so I would suggest exercise caution.

The last thing the OP would want to do is give her son a certain 'reputation' that he will carry with him for a long time to come.

Stop guilt tripping. You have zero right to speculate and guilt trip

HurtLocker

baaba maal wrote: »

I think the OP should expand on the issues mentioned- there are a lot of opinions being thrown around here with very little detail to go on.

It's none of our business.

Little CuChulainn

Young Blood wrote: »

Let's hope the OP isn't the type of person who will resort to police and court services to solve minor disputes.

Those type of people can do a lot of damage to people's lives so I would suggest exercise caution.

The last thing the OP would want to do is give her son a certain 'reputation' that he will carry with him for a long time to come.

Her son makes his own reputation by his actions. She would merely be protecting herself and her other children.

teddyhead

ABajaninCork wrote: »

How do you know the OP's problem is minor? How do you define 'minor'?

I think - her house, her rules. I assume she's tried to resolve by other means. If the son cannot follow the rules, then he needs to go. Her other children are probably suffering through all this.

If the OP dosent want a broad range of opinions she shouldnt have posted on this forum. If the problem is indeed major , this is probably not the best place to deal with it. My tuppence worth would be that she seek some mediation and try to work things out. I remember at that age , I was suffering from anxiety and depression and was quite an a**hole. I dread to think what would have happened to me if I had been thrown on the streets.

Aineoil

dubstarr,
I can understand that you may be at the end of your tether with him and you have younger children to protect. But at 18 he's very young too and he seems to need help. Rejecting him at this age might not be a good choice in the future for both of you.

I don't know the full details but I think involving the courts might create many difficulties down the line.

Best of luck to you......teenagers can be difficult.

teddyhead

HurtLocker wrote: »

Stop guilt tripping. You have zero right to speculate and guilt trip

Oh sorry , we will all just tell her she is perfectly right to throw the lad out, even though the fact shes posted here shows she is somewhat confused as to what to do.

goz83

The first thing mentioned was money, which would lead me to question the reasons behind this eviction. "can be very aggressive"....anyone "can be very aggressive". Sounds like the OP is just tired of her son not contributing and there might be one too many arguments about money, work and what not.

To answer the question OP...call your solicitor.

Little CuChulainn

goz83 wrote: »

The first thing mentioned was money, which would lead me to question the reasons behind this eviction. "can be very aggressive"....anyone "can be very aggressive". Sounds like the OP is just tired of her son not contributing and there might be one too many arguments about money, work and what not.

To answer the question OP...call your solicitor.

Just to be clear, you do not need a solicitor to get a provisional order and a hearing date. The system is designed so that a victim of domestic abuse can do it on their own. It can, of course, be very beneficial to have a solicitor but a person can go through the process themselves in urgent situations.

rainbowtrout

teddyhead wrote: »

If the OP dosent want a broad range of opinions she shouldnt have posted on this forum. If the problem is indeed major , this is probably not the best place to deal with it. My tuppence worth would be that she seek some mediation and try to work things out. I remember at that age , I was suffering from anxiety and depression and was quite an a**hole. I dread to think what would have happened to me if I had been thrown on the streets.

The OP didn't ask for opinions, she asked how she could remove her son from the house.

OP -You're not legally obliged to support him once he reaches 18. You could go down the route of telling him that he will have to leave by a particular date and on that date if he hasn't gone of his own free will that he will come home to find his belongings in bags outside the house and the locks will be changed. If you need to follow through on this you may need some support.

UDP

You should try family therapy. It can help in this type situation. You might need to convince him to attend. You can either get an appointment via your gp or make an appointment with one directly.

ABajaninCork

UDP wrote: »

You should try family therapy. It can help in this type situation. You can either get an appointment via your gp or make an appointment with one directly.

Again - the OP's asking for advice on how to put her adult son out of the house...

Reekwind

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Again - the OP's asking for advice on how to put her adult son out of the house...

If somebody asks for advice on the best way to shoot themselves in the foot then people should feel free to offer alternatives, rather than just firearm suggestions.

freshpopcorn

To me this is sort of a Personal issue as well as the legality issue.
The OP needs to clarify what the problems are at home.
well we need to know what the son does? Is he employed/at school/college/is he unemployed/is he on social welfare. This will let the posters know how he can contribute to the household.
Also, has he every being violent to her or her children? If he has then there's a problem.
The fact that there's not alcohol/drugs involved is great.
In my personal opinion kicking a child out of home at 18 is wrong.(unless there is a very good reason) People will say he's an adult/old enough to fend for himself. But he is still very young. Have you talked to your son? Has he any personal issues going on in his life? That you might be in aware of?
Do you want him to contribute to the running of the household? Can he afford to do this? If he's at college/etc money might be tight for the lad? Most 18 years olds I know don't really contribute at home unless they left school and hot a good job.
Also, you do know if you kick him out relationships will be strained short-term or maybe even forever. Are you willing to live with this?
Now this is not meant to guilt trip you. Its just something that happened in our area. A mother kicked her son(he was nearly 18) out of home. It was over little issues such as him not tidying up/a little bit of back chat.(general teenage stuff) He left the house that night and hung himself. Headless to say the family is in bits and she regrets doing what she did. (So, if you do kick him out make sure its for a good reason)
Legally, pack his bags, tell him to go and change the locks. If you feel you or your children are in danger. Get a barring/restraining order.

UDP

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Again - the OP's asking for advice on how to put her adult son out of the house...

Help with resolving the conflict can help with getting him to move out of the house in a safe way which is what the op is looking to do.

Rubberchikken

Imo it seems a very serious step to put an 18 yo out of their home.
Thats a last resort maybe worth considering only when every other avenue has been examined.

How is he supposed to survive? Where is he supposed to live?

Is it possible to speak calmly to him? Could you get someone else to sit and listen to him. Try to figure out what the issues are?

Zambia

Could someone in Ireland please post a few numbers of domestic violence support agency's.

The op can detail the abuse there and be advised properly.

I have met a few teenagers who may never have assaulted their own family but their aggression levels are through the roof. They can be a severe risk.

If the person you live with scares you that's no way to live.

Many perpetrators of family violence threaten self harm or suicide as a means of control. Nice to see in this case posters doing that for him ffs.

freshpopcorn

Zambia wrote: »

Could someone in Ireland please post a few numbers of domestic violence support agency's.

The op can detail the abuse there and be advised properly.

I have met a few teenagers who may never have assaulted their own family but their aggression levels are through the roof. They can be a severe risk.

If the person you live with scares you that's no way to live.

Many perpetrators of family violence threaten self harm or suicide as a means of control. Nice to see in this case posters doing that for him ffs.

The OP hasn't really clarified what the son has done! She also seems to be focusing more about him not contributing to the household in her first post more so than his aggression.

Women's aid number is 1800 341 900

Kettleson

WTF! Is this thread all about. Read back what the OP said. Many posts are based on domestic violence and getting advice. The OP never said this has happened.

There's 2 sides to every coin, and there is a growing up kid involved. We don't know what he has had to go through. Give the kid a break I say.

Thoie

OP, if you feel you or your other children are at risk, talk to Women's Aid, and if they can't help you themselves, they may point you in the right direction:
http://www.womensaid.ie/help/

If you are in immediate physical danger, call the gardaí,

If your family is interested in family counselling, a list of accredited therapists is available here:
http://www.familytherapyireland.com/family-therapist/

discus

Zambia wrote: »

Many perpetrators of family violence threaten self harm or suicide as a means of control. Nice to see in this case posters doing that for him ffs.

Once again, I find my thoughts echo your own. There are a lot of people who think a violent man (he's 18 ffs) can be talked into becoming a gentleman, with a spell on the naughty step.

Kettleson

I'd make a suggestion that the OP has probably more issues to sort out than his/her son. And also that it would be in the best interest if all parties/contributors were to bear this in mind.

Jumping to the support of the OP on the tenous/alleged basis of potential abuse does no one any good and merely spills petrol on the fire.

Zambia

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The OP hasn't really clarified what the son has done! She also seems to be focusing more about him not contributing to the household in her first post more so than his aggression.

Women's aid number is 1800 341 900

She has not stated what he has done. However she has stated she is afraid of him.

That in itself is an issue. She should talk to the above provided numbers an they can advise her which way to turn.

Without first hand knowledge it is very important not to hinder or prevent the OP from seeking real world help.

SterlingArcher

Zambia wrote: »

Could someone in Ireland please post a few numbers of domestic violence support agency's.

The op can detail the abuse there and be advised properly.

I have met a few teenagers who may never have assaulted their own family but their aggression levels are through the roof. They can be a severe risk.

If the person you live with scares you that's no way to live.

Many perpetrators of family violence threaten self harm or suicide as a means of control. Nice to see in this case posters doing that for him ffs.

This. Whotf cares about his issues and feelings right now. Does a guy who is scaring his own mother sound considerate and open to discussions with her? and posters telling this woman to talk it out? Have a heart to heart?? Her safety and kids should be first foremost, then when the guy is out of the house and not a threat. She can talk on the phone and suggest he gets help.

Zambia

Kettleson wrote: »

WTF! Is this thread all about. Read back what the OP said. Many posts are based on domestic violence and getting advice. The OP never said this has happened.

There's 2 sides to every coin, and there is a growing up kid involved. We don't know what he has had to go through. Give the kid a break I say.

What do you believe domestic violence to be?

Kettleson

Zambia wrote: »

She has not stated what he has done. However she has stated she is afraid of him.

That in itself is an issue. She should talk to the above provided numbers an they can advise her which way to turn.

Without first hand knowledge it is very important not to hinder or prevent the OP from seeking real world help.

Neither you or I, or anyone else here knows the true story, or the possible abusive 18 years that the child has had to suffer. If you want to offer balanced support, post up some links for them too.

Kettleson

Zambia wrote: »

What do you believe domestic violence to be?

Show me where it is on any post.

AliBaba2010

OP, I will not speculate just offer advice.
18 is a very tough age and a lot of the time at this age people freak out that they are now adults and along with other things this can lead to depression ( which can result in aggression ). I would advise you not to throw him out but maybe try get him some help for his problems.
It is very difficult to get a job at the moment for anyone, so maybe you could talk to your child about courses and internships, or even offer him some help looking for work.
I know from experience that if you kick him out he may feel you have abandoned him and you would be risking your entire relationship with your son.
Maybe even you might benefit from getting some help too if you feel under pressure, stressed or worried.
Please remember nobody is purely bad, there is usually something underlying causing them pain.
Be strong and be there for him, but make sure someone is there for you too!
Good luck with everything.