male point of view please :)

Claire Byrne

Hi ya ,
I know this is so random and I dunno if ill get the answers I'm hoping for but here it goes ...
I've been with this amazing man for 5 years now and we have a good time ... he's the love of my life !!!
We've been through bad times and good times and all the rows but we're still together.
After it all I really believe he is the one for me and I fancy the bones off him even after all this time. I find him so attractive ..... only prob is I dnt believe he feels the same about me anymore !
I dnt wanna sound big headed I wouldn't say I'm a pretty woman but I'm not the worst and I really keep myself well I dress up all the time when I see him I make an effort so he will notice me and nothing ... I've tried everything so he will wanna be with me in a physical way ..I know he really liked me in a physical way before...
any suggestions ?
I've tries talking to him he brush's it off and says he does like me that way , but still I feel so rejected when I try it and it's always ' tomorrow night , I promise '

ectoraige

First, it's probably not you that's the problem so don't let his behavior/attitude dent your own confidence. Second, where's his head at?

Outside of your relationship, is he happy in life? Is he stressed, anxious, or depressed? Is there anything in his life such as health, work, or other people that may be damaging his self esteem?

Claire Byrne

Outside of your relationship, is he happy in life? Is he stressed, anxious, or depressed? Is there anything in his life such as health, work, or other people that may be damaging his self esteem?[/quote]

He's really a happy guy like certain times he has moods but sure don't we all ... but it's very hard like i've never had good confidence but I feel terrible about myself ... I know it's not all about me and I've tried talking him about how he feels and nothing ... he's really a man's man , he has no feelings or emotions about anything !!!
I know this is so terrible but I'm so sick of feeling bad for wanting to touch him cause I think he's so lovely ...Like I feel I deserve to feel desired and wanted !!
While out on a night out recently a guy was telling me how pretty I was and saying all nice things to me and im not gonna lie I enjoyed it !! I told my boyfriend about this and he didn't bat an eye lid I didn't want a big fly off the handle reaction from him I just thought he might be even a bit jealous ...how sad is that !!!!!

Lou.m

Claire Byrne wrote: »

Outside of your relationship, is he happy in life? Is he stressed, anxious, or depressed? Is there anything in his life such as health, work, or other people that may be damaging his self esteem?

He's really a happy guy like certain times he has moods but sure don't we all ... but it's very hard like i've never had good confidence but I feel terrible about myself ... I know it's not all about me and I've tried talking him about how he feels and nothing ... he's really a man's man , he has no feelings or emotions about anything !!!
I know this is so terrible but I'm so sick of feeling bad for wanting to touch him cause I think he's so lovely ...Like I feel I deserve to feel desired and wanted !!
While out on a night out recently a guy was telling me how pretty I was and saying all nice things to me and im not gonna lie I enjoyed it !! I told my boyfriend about this and he didn't bat an eye lid I didn't want a big fly off the handle reaction from him I just thought he might be even a bit jealous ...how sad is that !!!!!

I think you need to state your needs clearly to him.

Is it possible he has an issue ..I mean not full blown aspergers but something?

Is this only about sex ? Does he tell you he loves you? You you have a good friendship?

By the way ..don't manipulate by trying to get him jealous. It will not help.

And don't base your idea of how attractiveness on how someone else feels for you. NEVER DO THAT.

Do you think he loves you? (sorry to ask bluntly by the way)

Claire Byrne

Sorry if that sounded harsh trying make him jealous I was just curious if he would be ...
Eh does he love me I dunno ? I know he cares for me , sometimes I see love other times I'm not so sure .....
I'm starting to think that all that love , kissing and being intimate is for younger ones than me im only 25 btw ha ....
ah I'm such a moaner ...

Lou.m

Claire Byrne wrote: »

Sorry if that sounded harsh trying make him jealous I was just curious if he would be ...
Eh does he love me I dunno ? I know he cares for me , sometimes I see love other times I'm not so sure .....
I'm starting to think that all that love , kissing and being intimate is for younger ones than me im only 25 btw ha ....
ah I'm such a moaner ...

You don't sound like a moaner.

It does not sound like this relationship is making you happy or fulfilling your needs.

It does not sounds like he appreciates you.

I know I am not you...but after such a long time I would presume he would be telling you.

Is it possible he is just not a very good boyfriend?

It's 5 yrs. I mean he should be telling you?

strobe

How long have things been like this? Was it a sudden thing, one day the sex just stopped or was it a gradual thing with the frequency just decreasing until you find yourself where you are?

LegacyUser

OP,

You're not being a moaner. Touch is a very important part of a relationship. I completely know where you're coming from and its not a nice feeling. I've experienced it before and it makes you feel crap about yourself. When you're the one always instigating touch it makes you feel needy and knocks yourself esteem. Wish I knew the answer to solving this myself but I know it can be tricky to talk to your OH about it without coming across as petty and insecure.

Claire Byrne

To be honest he's always been a selfish guy and he knows this .. but he's still good to me I know he cares .... as I said before he's really not an emotions or feelings kinda guy but I know this .
Yes sex just faded out it wasn't always like this !
I'm just looking advice ways make him want me like in a physical way bring the spice back !!!

Stavro Mueller

Claire. Is this the same man you've posted about at least twice before? I don't know what anyone can tell you this time round that they didn't tell you the other times to be honest.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056942777

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057064270

Penny Tration

Claire, I don't mean to be rude at all, but you've posted pretty much the same thread three times in a year. Nothing has changed. What advice do you expect this time around? You don't seem to take on board what you were advised the other times, so it feels like you're just venting and wasting posters' time when they reply.

In the last year, he's withdrawn both emotionally and physically from you, and has been flirting with his friend.

Do you not think you should have some more self respect? He doesn't want to be with you. He might say he does, but his actions prove he doesn't.

Pick your self esteem up off the floor, and end this.

LegacyUser

green_screen wrote: »

Claire, I don't mean to be rude at all, but you've posted pretty much the same thread three times in a year. Nothing has changed. What advice do you expect this time around? You don't seem to take on board what you were advised the other times, so it feels like you're just venting and wasting posters' time when they reply.

In the last year, he's withdrawn both emotionally and physically from you, and has been flirting with his friend.

Do you not think you should have some more self respect? He doesn't want to be with you. He might say he does, but his actions prove he doesn't.

Pick your self esteem up off the floor, and end this.

This by a million.

Claire, you are in complete denial. I've just read over the other threads. This stage in the game it is just sheer desperation to cling onto someone who doesnt love you. At all. He obviously doesnt have the guts to call an end to things. I've no idea why he's still plodding along with you, he checked out of the relationship about a year ago from what I can gather.

You're afraid of being alone? Afraid of losing this man who you love (but clearly doesnt love you back) and afraid that he will run straight to his lady friend if you break up with him?

Those are the risks you will have to take if you ever want a chance at true happiness with someone.

You cant just saunter along in life with this man thinking it's all rosy - because it's not. 3 threads later and you're asking the same questions. Nothing has changed Claire. Why are you doing this to yourself? Seriously?

kjl

Hi Clare, After reading your previous posts I would say dump him.

I don't mean to be blunt, but he doesn't care about you the same way you do about him. In his mind you are his property and while he may tolerate you he doesn't love you.

I've actually seen this kind of behaviour before where a boyfriend withholds sex from his partner. it's emotional manipulation. In all your post you talk about how mad about him you are, but you never mention him reciprocating the feelings. This is how he controls you.

Calling you nicknames like "boy" and "mate" while his friend gets names like "babe" and "gorgeous" shows total lack of respect for you, and you talk about having a lot of arguments. I hate to tell you this but only relationship that are doomed have as many arguments as you describe.

I know it's difficult and you are almost 99% not going to do it, but you need to wipe out that negative force in your life. As you say yourself you are a good looking girl and from your posts you seem like a nice caring person. Someone like your boyfriend doesn't deserve to be with you.

You know what you have to do, so do it now and don't be starting another thread in a few months time asking if this kind of behaviour is acceptable.

Best of luck

Flippyfloppy

Haven't read your other threads but this guy sounds like my ex. 'He has no emotions' yep, that's what I thought about my ex for a long time, that this somehow made it acceptable how cold & insensitive he could be. Then I learnt that that doesn't cut it in a relationship. Some people possibly are emotionless, but don't get stuck with one. They're not the kind of person you want to have kids with or spend your whole life with. Because life can be tough.

strobe

Basing my opinion on the three threads it doesn't sound like he 'hasn't emotions or feelings about anything' at all, not in the slightest, doesn't come across like that at all in your other posts. It just sounds like he doesn't have feelings for you and specifically doesn't share emotions and feelings about things with you because of that though... sorry, I know that's a bit blunt.

I think you're wasting your time here on someone that does not care about you, cartainly not like seone should about someone they're in a relationship with, and probably isn't going to start to again(if he ever did). Whatever reason(s) he has for continuing in the relationship with you, love or wanting to be with you more than anyone else in the world, don't seem to be amongst them.

You should really end this thing I think. If you don't I would be surprised if he doesn't do so a little further down the line anyway when it becomes convenient for him to.

Sorry. I know its tough but I think this is a lost cause and your just torturing yourself for no reason now by dragging it out and preventing yourself from meeting another guy you will love just as much or more than this guy but that will love you back just as much and make you happy.

There's 3,500,000,000 men in the world. They are one of the few things that are not in short supply. You'll meet plenty more.

Lou.m

Claire why do you want this guy? You can do so much better?

He is ot withholding or manly he is a bully an childish. I don't think he really loves you or treats you well.

Anyway you can't make someone fancy you.

Is it possible you are clinging on ?

It does not sound like he has no emotions but perhaps it is not working.

Tigger99

You can't make him want you Claire. I know it's scary but you need to ask him if he loves you and finds you attractive.

Flippyfloppy

Tigger99 wrote: »

You can't make him want you Claire. I know it's scary but you need to ask him if he loves you and finds you attractive.

He'll probably just say yes and reassure her that she's crazy again and no other girls would have to ask that question!!

Saipanne

Claire Byrne wrote: »

Hi ya ,
I know this is so random and I dunno if ill get the answers I'm hoping for but here it goes ...
I've been with this amazing man for 5 years now and we have a good time ... he's the love of my life !!!
We've been through bad times and good times and all the rows but we're still together.
After it all I really believe he is the one for me and I fancy the bones off him even after all this time. I find him so attractive ..... only prob is I dnt believe he feels the same about me anymore !
I dnt wanna sound big headed I wouldn't say I'm a pretty woman but I'm not the worst and I really keep myself well I dress up all the time when I see him I make an effort so he will notice me and nothing ... I've tried everything so he will wanna be with me in a physical way ..I know he really liked me in a physical way before...
any suggestions ?
I've tries talking to him he brush's it off and says he does like me that way , but still I feel so rejected when I try it and it's always ' tomorrow night , I promise '

Aside from the advice already offered, does he watch much porn? Overdoing that can kill the desire for real life fun.

dellas1979

OP fancying the pants off someone doesnt mean they feel the same about you. Sounds like you'll just about try anything to keep a relationship going, that you know has major problems.

Would you not prefer to be in a relationship where you are happy and not worrying all the time, rather than always trying to fix this one?