When is enough enough?

LegacyUser

I've been with my BF for over ten years now. We've had some major issues, the main being his addiction to valium and ketamine over the past maybe 6 years. He finally faced up to the problem last year and we made huge progress together in facing something neither of us had ever dreamed we'd go through.
Unfortunately, before he admitted his addiction I went through absolute hell trying to deal with what was happening. I begged his friends for help, went to the local addiction clinics, locked him in the house to keep him away from his dealers. But I was one person and I couldn't help him and so everything spiralled and he ended up on dating sites to "talk" to girls...had I not seen the photos he was sent I would have tried to believed it!! So I left our home and packed everything up and moved to be with my family.
I can't describe how hard it was watching the person you love drowning and it was this that was what had me go back. I couldn't bear to see him so lost. I got transferred to a different location for work which was just what we both needed and it was here, away from everyone, that he asked for help. It was amazing. There was such a light in him once he admitted it and we started as best we could to try and find out the best options for him. This started with meetings where he eventually saw he wasn't the only person suffering.
But again he relapsed and as I had to work I couldn't physically be there with him all day. So I rang his friends again and it was decided that they would break the news to his family. A week later they came and collected him. This was when the light went out.
While he had been looking forward to the future before now he was just a shell. He had one friend who was amazing for the first few weeks. Got him out of bed and exercising and out of the house. The main problem in all this was his family didn't want to accept the advice we had already gotten...it would be a minimum of 18 months for him to be weaned off the valium due to high dosage he was on. They wanted a quick fix so instead of the realistic programs of reducing by 5mg a week he was reduced from over 30mg a day to 10mg automatically! This had shocking consequences for his body and his mind but he didn't want to hurt his parents anymore than he felt he had so he went along with it even though he wasn't coping.
That's when he started turning to drink to "take the edge off". We had a deal that he wasn't allowed to drink in our house...here it was totally fine and acceptable to have a few cans to relax. I think I was so much in shock I didn't even know what to say. I thought it was a given that when trying to deal with an addiction you don't put something else into the mix that had the capability of becoming a replacement?
Now life is hell. We've been living away from one another since that time as I completed a year in college since then. Then I finished for the summer and as he is currently setting up his own business I moved to my family...a three hour drive away. Last week we broke up as I found he had joined another dating site. He's drinking every day and is now a full blown alcoholic, in denial. He's blaming me as he said I should have moved up and lived with him while looking for a job and his parents and seen him for possibly an hour in the evenings. I offered to travel up ever weekend when he was free which I thought was fair. He has been abusive and horrible over the past few months and living with his parents would have genuinely made me miserable. Over the past 4 weeks we saw each other two weekends. One for a wedding and another for a concert. The other two weeks he said he was too busy for me to go up.
I feel like he needs to get professional help for his addictions. He says I'm to blame for him joining the site as he was lonely. We talked today on the phone and he said either I move up there or he'll find someone else. How is that fair? He can't ever understand what it's been like for me on the other end of his addiction. I've literally watched him try to suffocate his own life and now after everything he's making out that I made him so unhappy that's where the addiction came from. I don't know what to do

Neyite

He is an addict. All he did was transfer his addiction from one substance to another. And he is refusing to take responsibility for his addictions, choosing to try to pin the blame on you, or his family, or whoever he decides.

You did not cause this.
You cannot cure this.

Please get in touch with AlAnon, which is a support group for those affected by the addictions of others. I think it may be time for you to face up to the fact that this is who he is. An addict in denial. And that you are drifting in limbo waiting for him to choose to recover. And he is nowhere near wanting to recover, and is surrounded by enablers. I think you need to move on with your life, as you cant fix his.

Rubberchikken

I agree with first post.
He's moved on to another addiction.
You behaved really well for him, more than a lot of people would do in the circumstances.
Now it might sound mean, but you need to look after yourself.
Until, or if he realises what he has become, you know there's nothing else you can do.

Take care

corner of hells

Some addiction/drug services have family support groups which may help you/his family and friends gain a perspective on whats going on and kind of stop the ground shifting on you.Ana Liffey and MQI have them.

tcif

You are not to blame. Absolutely not! You have spent 6 out of the last 10 years with him bending over backwards to try to help him. You've done all you can to help someone who, at the end of it all, will not help themselves.

You loved him - you must to have gone through this wringer for him - but it's time to accept you can't, and he won't, fix this. Let go and move on with your life. You owe it to yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here. Thanks for the replies. I know the right thing for me is to move on and maybe now us living on different sides of the country this is the best time but even after all that's happened I'm still incredibly in love with him. He rang again today and he just sounds so destroyed. He didn't drink yesterday (or so he said!) and he thinks that means he doesn't have a problem. By the end of the call he did admit he had a problem but I know from last time from him first admitting to me it could take months to get him to open up to everyone else. And right now I don't think I have the energy to deal with it. I love him so much but his addiction comes first and I can't compete with it. It's destroying me
I've tried going to a councillor before but for me it was just too much too soon. I wasn't coping and the councillor that I was suggested turned out to not be fully qualified and to be honest he made a few odd comments that just turned me off so I stopped going back after a few months. I need his family to be on my side but they make me feel like an outsider when it comes to him. Last time I had to ring my BFs friends to find out what was going on with his treatment as his parents left me completely out of the loop. Without their support I can't cope with this on my own and being honest I don't think my BF would actually survive with just them as his support system. That's what's making this so difficult for me to leave. I know everyone says they need to hit rock bottom and I know realistically that might be the case but he's not even close and he's already been ringing the Samaritans at night to stop his mind pushing him too far.
I know even when I'm writing this that I'm sticking up for him and that I'm the biggest enabler of all. I just don't know how I could walk away knowing he might not make it through. How could I live with myself if he did something stupid?

Neyite

HowdoIknowwhentostoptrying wrote: »

How could I live with myself if he did something stupid?

Because it is his choice to do so. Not yours.

Have you talked to Al Anon?

AnonMouse

It is typical of addicts to blame others for their woes - none of this is your fault, and it sounds like you have been as supportive and understanding as one could possibly be. The fact of the matter is, that an addict won't cure their illness until they *really* want to cure it.

For your own sake, walk away now and let him deal with his issues. As it is, you are flogging a dead horse, as has been clearly illustrated by his actions.

tcif

OP, what do you think you'll achieve if you stay? What have you achieved in the last 6 years of trying to help him? You have no support from him, his friends or his family, just you trying to turn the tide and you might as well be trying to empty the sea with a bucket.

I'm not making light of what you've done or the cost to you of doing it, quite the opposite. I suspect you've been through hell for this man. I just think you finally need to see you can't help him, not when he won't let you, and the best way to help yourself is to give yourself a chance to break free.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Because it is his choice to do so. Not yours.

Have you talked to Al Anon?

I've sent them an email but I'm a bit unsure of the idea of the God aspect of things. I went to a group family meeting before which was actually great to meet other people going through similar (although obviously I wished they weren't suffering). That was just before we broke up the first time so I didn't go again as I moved home. I'll see what they reply with. Thanks

I've told him I need some time to sort out my head and we can meet up in a week or two to talk. I know I can't help him. At this point I'm worried that I've invested so much time in trying to help him that I don't know how to let go. I know nobody expects the person they love to become an addict and I just keep fighting for him because I know how amazing he can be I just wish I could make him see that but I know I can't Thanks again for the replies

Pawwed Rig

I think a person used to dealing with addiction would be able to give you the best advice here. Call the support services as at least 2 others have suggested here and see what they think it best for you and best for him.

mylefttesticle

This is what addicts do they manipulate situations to suit their own needs and wants without care for who they are hurting, same with blame.

You have spent so much of your life helping this person and now its up to him to help himself, take away all that low self esteem you have caused by him and ask yourself one simple question. In the time away have you grown and become better without him?


There is a lot of addictions in my family history and to be honest even the ones who come out the other side they just still the same personalities even without the substance abuse and they really only see themselves and what they have achieved and what they can get from life with no regard for what or who have helped them in their life up until now.


Cut ties is my advice you have given enough now let his family look after him, you deserve happiness and you deserve a future you want without the controlling and manipulating ways you have become use too.

Neyite

HowdoIknowwhentostoptrying wrote: »

I've sent them an email but I'm a bit unsure of the idea of the God aspect of things. I went to a group family meeting before which was actually great to meet other people going through similar (although obviously I wished they weren't suffering). That was just before we broke up the first time so I didn't go again as I moved home. I'll see what they reply with. Thanks

I've told him I need some time to sort out my head and we can meet up in a week or two to talk. I know I can't help him. At this point I'm worried that I've invested so much time in trying to help him that I don't know how to let go. I know nobody expects the person they love to become an addict and I just keep fighting for him because I know how amazing he can be I just wish I could make him see that but I know I can't Thanks again for the replies

Thats why I suggested it. I too would be unsure about the religious aspect, if any, but by meeting others going through similar you may find the best approach for your situation and gain perspective from those who are a few more years into the situation.