Worried my friend may have an eating disorder.

cazzer22

Hi everyone,

I know this is a difficult issue to discuss but I just wanted to see if anyone has been through a similar situation before and could offer any advice.

My friend (I am definitely not talking about myself here) has had an issue with food for a while, whenever we go for dinner, lunch or any food, she'll always go on about how much she has eaten and how full she is, when in actual fact she hasn't eaten much at all. She has a few food allergies, which as a result restrict her diet so I know when it comes to certain foods, she can't eat everything. Her mum has expressed concerns about her losing weight previously and this has caused a bit of a rift between them before (I was sort of caught in the middle).

Lately, I've noticed that she'll sometimes say ''I'm so full, I'm going to have to make myself sick to feel better'' or say there's something she's allergic in the food she'll use that as an excuse to go and make herself sick. She regularly leaves the table directly after a meal and takes a while to return. She often smells like she's used mouthwash too.

I have said to her before ''did you make yourself sick?'' and she gets very defensive and sometimes quite angry. She has lost a good bit of weight in recent years and looks really well (people are always commenting on this) and she always makes negative comments about her appearance.

I have a feeling she may be bulimic (obviously I could be wrong). I don't know how to approach this with her because I'm really worried. She's been my best friend for twenty years and I'm worried if I bring it up she might get angry and decide not to speak to me. Has anyone been through a similar situation before?
Thank you.

Rubberchikken

Have no experience but i'm sorry your friend is going through this.
It sounds tough.
Would she be willing to speak to a gp? I know you said she got upset when someone raised the issue and she probably won't be happy with you raising it too but i know you realise that.
It may be that she'll have to realise it for herself. Good luck

Merkin

I have had a couple of friends through the years with bulimia and it's a very secretive and deceptive illness. Chances are your friend doesn't have food allergies but it's a very handy excuse for excluding whole food groups, my friend turned vegan. Unfortunately bulimia causes terrible health problems, particularly relating to dental issues, fertility, digestive problems and obviously the deeply rooted mental health issues relating to the illness. Are her knuckles bruised and red? You'll sometimes see this although the more proficient pukers can do it on impulse or using an implement.

I think it's glaringly obvious your friend has a problem but confronting it is not easy, it turns the sufferer into a liar as they are so terrified of being 'caught', relinquishing control and consequently putting on weight.

I think you could do with contacting www.bodywhys.ie and establishing what your best course of action is. You should definitely confront her but there are ways to go about this so asking them for help in the first instance would be a good idea. I hope she recovers, you sound like a good friend.

cazzer22

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Have no experience but i'm sorry your friend is going through this.
It sounds tough.
Would she be willing to speak to a gp? I know you said she got upset when someone raised the issue and she probably won't be happy with you raising it too but i know you realise that.
It may be that she'll have to realise it for herself. Good luck

Thanks for the reply.
It's a tough situation that I don't know how to approach. It's really hard to know what to do.
I think she would be willing to talk to someone but I think it's the fact that I'm suggesting she has a problem?
Thank you for your advice

Rubberchikken

No prob. I think we're all like that to some extent-- hate having our faults and failings pointed out to us.
But thiscould be a lot more serious in the long term so make sure you get some support too.

cazzer22

Thanks Merkin for the reply,

Really useful advice there.

I don't think she's cutting out a particular food group to lose weight (she's been allergic to it for years and her family are too) but I can definitely see what you're saying there.

I have noticed anything about her knuckles, but I haven't been looking either tbh. I'll keep an eye on that for definite. It's difficult because we live in different counties and I'll have to possibly have this conversation over the phone (not ideal I know).

Thank you for the website link, I'll definitely check it out

LegacyUser

As someone who has struggled with bulimia for nigh on 15 years now I think you should definitely talk to your friend in a non confrontational manner.

I've tried counselling, weaning myself off it with excercise and diets but the only time I managed to stop for any period was when I found out I was pregnant. I've always known what i was doing was damaging my health, no matter how great I looked, but I just couldn't damage the health of my baby.

For me, and maybe it might be the same for your friend, I just cant come out about it. However I think if someone just told me they knew, and offered to help without judging me, it might just help me stop.

Talk to her, there isn't anything you can actually do, but your support might help her to do something

tenifan

Stop talking about food to her. She seems to be obsessed with food so it's not helpful you're giving her attention. Meet her for coffee instead of lunch.
It's difficult to be dangerously underweight so unless she's falling over with hunger I wouldn't worry about her health too much.

cazzer22

I really don't see how your comment is helpful but ok. As I said I've been friends with her for years and obviously we are going to go for food/eat at some point when we meet up. I generally don't entertain the conversation about calorie content etc.

Considering she may potentially have an eating disorder I am going to worry about her health because I'm her friend.

LegacyUser

Tenifan, bulimics are not always or very underweight they can be of normal weight or overweight too. Regardless of weight on scales it's still of concern in regard to their mental and physical health. A bulimic of normal weights heart could stop due to messed up electrolytes from vomiting.

cazzer22

bulimia wrote: »

As someone who has struggled with bulimia for nigh on 15 years now I think you should definitely talk to your friend in a non confrontational manner.

I've tried counselling, weaning myself off it with excercise and diets but the only time I managed to stop for any period was when I found out I was pregnant. I've always known what i was doing was damaging my health, no matter how great I looked, but I just couldn't damage the health of my baby.

For me, and maybe it might be the same for your friend, I just cant come out about it. However I think if someone just told me they knew, and offered to help without judging me, it might just help me stop.

Talk to her, there isn't anything you can actually do, but your support might help her to do something

Thanks for the reply.

I think she knows that I know because whenever I question her on her actions (in a non-confrontational way) she gets very defensive. We did have a conversation about her maybe speaking to someone because she admitted to obsessing about food. I think I'll send her a text (meeting up in person isn't feasible unfortunately) and just explain that I know what's going on. I want to help her more than anything and I am certainly not going to judge. She knows I care about her and I would only have her best interests in mind.

It's good to hear it from your perspective seeing as you've been there, thanks so much.

ABajaninCork

Sending your friend a text isn't a good idea. What's to say she won't delete it given that she's already defensive? I think as you're so concerned a face to face meeting would be best. I know it isn't convenient at the moment - Is there a time when you might be able to meet so that you can express your concern to her?

Are you able to speak to family/other friends about your concerns? I bet if you've noticed it, then others have too.

cazzer22

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Sending your friend a text isn't a good idea. What's to say she won't delete it given that she's already defensive? I think as you're so concerned a face to face meeting would be best. I know it isn't convenient at the moment - Is there a time when you might be able to meet so that you can express your concern to her?

Are you able to speak to family/other friends about your concerns? I bet if you've noticed it, then others have too.

I'm probably not going to see her for a month or two as we live at opposite ends of the country. I could try calling her and chatting about it. I don't really want to approach her family about it as I know her mum will approach her straight away, and the last thing I want is for her to feel as though she's being discussed.

I will definitely talk to another friend of ours and decide how to bring it up with her. Thanks for the reply.

degausserxo

tenifan wrote: »

It's difficult to be dangerously underweight so unless she's falling over with hunger I wouldn't worry about her health too much.

Extremely ignorant comment. Irreversible damage, even including death, can happen at any weight - seizures, stomach ruptures, infertility, osteoporosis, heart attacks, tachycardia, arrhythmias, dehydration and oesophagal damage are just a few of the very serious side effects that can occur regardless of whether the person is underweight or not.

This exactly the thing that perpetuates the idea that unless you're 'sick enough', i.e., emaciated, there's no need for worry or that it isn't a serious problem, and is what stops a lot of people suffering from eating disorders from getting help.

louisenf2014

As someone who struggled with bulimia for 10 years......and ended up in rehab, attended ED support groups for a long while after my recovery... here is my input...

I have never heard of anyone who would say "I'll have to make myself sick to feel better" publicly. During active bulimia the only fear that is bigger than the calories actually having time to digest is the fear of people finding out. I cannot stress enough how secretive it is, I have met people who are openly fighting their battle with family and friends being "in the loop" so to speak, my family and bf at the time eventually copped what I was doing but I was even more careful to hide my behaviour then.

That said, it could be some form of defense-reverse-psychology logic. There is no rule-book on how to be bulimic and it will manifest itself very differently with different people.

The one similarity all sufferers of all different eating disorders have is that it's a torturous existence. Life gets consumed with number of calories in versus number of calories out/exerted. Constant weighing and measuring, trying on skinny jeans etc. Most bulimics I have come across will binge though, maybe not at first but eventually. It becomes a complete lack of control around food and the strength to leave any food on the plate (knowing you will purge anyway) is near impossible. So, the fact that your friend doesn't appear to be eating much is almost a good thing. The more you eat the easier it is to purge. If you only eat a tiny amount it can be very difficult.

It may not be bulimia, but it sure sounds like some form of disordered eating, perhaps it hasn't fully manifested yet.

For me, my turning point was when I lost everything, I realised my entire existence was surrounded by buying food, eating food, throwing up food, and scheduling time for same. I never would have been able to get better without getting to the point where I had too.

Weight wise - because my binges were 4- 5 times per day with an excess of 5,000 calories per binge for the last 3 years of it I was constantly fluctuating between a size 8 and size 12, and normally at the upper end of that as I had zero control over food toward the end.

I actually remained quite healthy throughout, maintained my job and was very successful at it (functionality is important in maintaining addictions). My best friend whom I lived with for a good part of it had no idea it was going on.

Tell tale signs are drastic weight fluctuation, cuts or dry spots on the side of the mouth, cuts or scratches on the corners of her mouth and cuts or scratches on the back of her hand (from her teeth) and huge intake of liquids with food. If her eyes are fluidity or a little bloodshot when she returns from the loo or if she is sniffeling.

If you wish to help her, don't confront her, she will just make better efforts to hide it and distance herself from you. She already thinks she is a disgusting person for doing this and has already assumed that people who realise she is doing this will also share this belief. Be supportive and make suggestions that send the message that you would be so supportive if anyone you knew was suffering from an ED. It's incredibly hard to open up about this as there is a likelihood that on some level this behaviour is serving some purpose in your friends life. Weight is the preoccupation but NEVER then actual cause. Try not to engage in any discussions with her about how she isn't fat or looks great or doesn't need to worry about her weight. What she needs to realise is that her weight is irrelevant to her happiness and no one of any substance will judge her according to her relationship with gravity.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just trying to think of things that would have helped me but every person is so different.

Feel free to send me a PM, I can tell you about all of the support groups out there but that all comes a long time after she decides to open up

Good luck, she is lucky to have a friend who is concerned x

louisenf2014

And just to add...... my greatest regret about my ED although I have completely come to terms with it now is the amount of time I wasted completely and utterly consumed in it. It slowly ruined everything and it's taken me quite a while to restore my life but I'm in my thirties now and I missed out on a lot of time before I got to grips with what was really going on.

With regard to the health concerns and these are very real. When I was in treatment, I was with people who had all kinds of addictions who didn't necessarily take ED's as seriously as their own dependencies. We were given a talk and the stats at the end were quite shocking. Eating disorders are more likely to become terminal than any other addiction, bulimia in particular with large binges can cause stomach ruptures and all kinds of internal complications. I was lucky and I appreciate that now

cazzer22

Thank you so much everyone for all your advice. Just for an update. I've approached it with her and I'm going to support her in getting the help she needs. I just told her I'd be there for her and that I knew what was going on. She admitted she has been doing it every so often and when I told her I was really worried, I think it hit home. I'll meet her properly in a few weeks to see how she's doing and stuff and will keep in contact with her regularly.

I just said how even if it's only happening now and again it can become something way more serious down the line. She wasn't at all angry and said how she was happy that I was there for her. I know this is only a stepping stone on the road to a long recovery for her, but at least she knows I'm there and not judging her.

All your advice was invaluable and I appreciate some posters giving first hand advice on the topic (I know it's a very personal issue and I appreciate your honestly and contributions)

Thanks again everyone X