Worried about my mum

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I live at home with my mother but I am 25 years old and am hoping to get a job soon. I finished college a year ago and have been able to live from home while working part time since finishing but now am hoping to get a full time position somewhere else... Not too far away but too far to commute.

My mum is a single mother, she's always been a stay at home mum and she never finished her leaving cert either. She has no qualifications but is a wonderful person.
She left my father about 5 years ago... He is an alcoholic but there's no need to get into this right now.

I'm really worried about my mum now that I will be moving out. We have our routine here and spend every evening chatting, watching tv etc. and I'm really worried about how lonely she will be when I move. I'll still be home at weekends but to go from having me and my sister here every night to suddenly being alone every night worries me (my sister is moving out at the same time as me as she will be going to college).

I think deep down my mums self confidence has taken a huge hit over the years due to the fact my father never really treated her well and I think she feels bad about the fact that she doesn't have any qualifications behind her either... She's never even really used a computer before.

She's such an amazing person that I'd just love to see her getting out more and meeting new people. It would be amazing to think that at some point in the future she could meet another man who would treat her the way she deserves. She doesn't really have many friends either (a result of years of living in the situation we were in). She has one very good friend who she sees a few times a week and goes for walks together but that friend is married and has a family that keeps her busy too.

My mum loves reading so I've suggested to her about joining a book club and she seemed to like that idea. I was wondering if anyone had any other ideas for her to get out and meet new people and start really living her life, rather than just staying inside and watching tv on her own every night which is what I'm afraid of...

Thanks a million

username123

Seeing as you mention your mum likes walking, is there any local walking clubs?

Or a local gym, lots of 50s+ mums do the aqua aerobics and other classes at my local gym.

I'd strongly suggest Alanon as well, just to support her and deal with the self esteem and other issues from living with an alcoholic.

Could she also contact the local citizens info/fas or social welfare and see about doing any courses?

You must also be careful not to take on too much responsibility (Alanon would be good for you too), because although it's lovely that you are concerned about your mum, she has a responsibility to herself to get out and live her own life and while it's good for you to be encouraging, you can't do it for her. So if she does choose to stay in a lot you may have to accept that too.

Sometimes people life their lives in ways we don't agree with but we must be respectful of their choices too.

dazedmom

If you get in touch with local colleges she might be able to get on a course as many of the adult access courses do late registration at the end of august for courses that aren't full.
I did this last year and it improved my confidence a lot, I left college with no qualifications either, and you make friends on the course to.
And her nights would then be filled with going over with what she had done that day or out with new friends.

Merkin

I'd really second the further education route. It would boost her self confidence no end as well as opening up new opportunities to her too. She already is at a big advantage in that she loves reading so enrolment on a course that would nurture this could open up a whole new world to her! It would also widen her social circle and keep her busy in the evenings!

I think there are a number of further education and adult education forums on Boards so they would probably be a really good first port of call. You sound like a very kind and considerate daughter, I'm sure your Mum is very proud of you

jackboy

Some volunteer work might suit her, such as getting involved in home help to look after old people.

LegacyUser

Why don't you both try take up some classes/hobby/activity together over the summer.

This way you can do something nice together and by the time you are leaving, she will have a whole new social outlet. she'll have something she enjoys doing along with new friends etc.

You might love it too... might be something to help you meet people when you move to a new area

marko747

Hi OP, firstly can I just say that I really think it is very kind and considerate to think of your mother like that. A lot of young people today are so self-absorbed that they don't give their parents a second thought. So well done in that regard.

What I would definitely suggest for your mom is to go back to education. Oscoil or the Open University spring to mind. My own mother, in a similar situation to your own, did a level 8 honours degree with Oscoil and enjoyed it throughly. It's a great way to meet people who are interested in the same things as there are regular tutorials to attend. She should definitely look in to this I think.

Good luck

Windorah

I can only echo the sentiments of the other posters particularly encouraging your mother to get back to education. I think it would do wonders for her confidence and also give her a chance to meet people.

I think you sound like a really lovely, considerate person too. Your Mum is lucky to have such a wonderful daughter but do be careful not to take on too much responsibility. She is an adult and so are you.

Best of luck:)

ivytwine

Hey OP, I am in a similar situation to you but my mother was a bit more independent, and working thankfully. I was worried when I moved out last year because unlike before when I left for college and was back for the summer, I was moving out to work and it's probably likely I won't be back home to live.

Anyway I am proud of Mam. She seems to have finally settled into looking after herself and treating herself and doing all the things she denied herself for so long- it has been in a way good for her. She is making more friends and going to things and taking up hobbies and stuff.

Don't underestimate your Mam or worry too much. When it's just the two of ye the bond is very strong but she knows you love her. Just always keep her in the loop and your relationship will still thrive but in a different way.

This is the natural order of things and she herself knows that deep down.

Rubberchikken

Your mom sounds like she'll be fine. I bet she's very proud to see her two lids heading out into the world.
She could go to college if she was interested. There are plenty of courses available and who knows where it could lead.

Good luck.