Feel under-appreciated by my parents

new32234

Hi I need other peoples take on this

I find that whatever I do or whatever I try to do and accomplish, it's never good enough for my parents

I'm a college graduate and have secured a job, I contribute when I can financially to the household this be might be a factor or might not be but I've no brothers or sisters, only child

Anytime I accomplish something its never good enough for them, graduating from college getting a job making good friends, trying my best to get on in life, I never receive a hug or a pat on the back or a even well done from my parents, it hurts, and it feels horrible

They didnt show up to my graduation either when they easily could have, when my college mates had their parents there, or if 1 parent couldn't make it the other parent was there along with a grandparent or an aunt or uncle, a day i'll never forget for the wrong reasons

I love my parents no matter what, and I dont doubt that they love me as well, but I'd just wish they would recognize and acknowledge things that mean a lot to me

Any advice on what I could do ?

thefeatheredcat

Have your parents ever explicitly stated that your accomplishments aren't good enough?

new32234 wrote: »

I find that whatever I do or whatever I try to do and accomplish, it's never good enough for my parents

Op do you do these things to please your parents, or for your own goals and ambitions? Are your accomplishments good enough to you? If so, then that is really all that matters.

You know your parents love you, but they may want you to see pride in your accomplishments and feel that they are or aren't good enough for you. They may not want you to feel that some things are an extraordinary accomplishment that are to them and many other people, just part of growing up and the norm, that you overlook other accomplishments, or get a distorted view of what an accomplishment is. They may also not want to overemphasise accomplishments in case it has you worried of failure, of feeling a failure or you thinking they would see you as a failure if you didn't accomplish certain things.

Have you talked to them about if they are proud of you or how you feel about it? I mean they may assume you know without them actually saying it that they are proud of you and your accomplishments.

As for your graduation... could there have been any other reason why they weren't there? Maybe they didn't realise lots of other parents and relatives would be there of other students, or that to you, it really mattered for them to be there.

Maybe you need to communicate to them that it matters to you and is important to you to know that they are proud of you and your achievements.

starlit

Sometimes you need to point these things out to them otherwise they might be none the wiser.

It might be just their way of life that they act like they do but might be best to speak to them. They might be aware of it or didn't know how to approach it. Some parents can be interfering and bossy sometimes and maybe they didn't want to be like that with you that you make decisions for yourself and being independent of them, that you live your own life.

Some parents show how they are proud of their child in different ways whether they are children or adult children doesn't matter.

It might been the simple case that they didn't know other parents be at the graduation, its something that could have been mentioned to them to let them know you would have liked them there and that no pressure for both of them to be there even if just one of them were there, it would have meant a lot and saying that it mean a lot to you back then might have encouraged them to go but if there was a reason they didn't might be worth finding out. Its a pity they didn't say themselves did they not know about your grad? Its an important milestone in anyone's life and usually parents be there if not be another relation or someone you be seeing maybe. It would been a celebration for them as well as for you being an only child.

Rubberchikken

Would you be able to ask them why they didnt attend the graduation? Spme people are extremely proud of their child but maybe cant say it because they were reared that way, or are afraid they'll give the kid a big head with praise or maybe feel you should know they're proud.
Talk to them. Dont let this feeling fester, its not worth it.

Merkin

Why didn't they go to your graduation?

LegacyUser

I used to feel like that and then I ended up telling them how I felt. They just hadn't understood how hurtful it was. Like you, I never ever felt good enough, no matters how good my grades were and how much praise I got from others. My friends' parents would tell me how impressed they were with me and how my parents must be so proud, but my parents never told me they were. They were way too harsh, and it culminated in me having severe depression. Since I talked to them, things are actually much better and they are much easier on me now.

R.D. aka MR.D

I think that it's natural to want approval from your parents.

I agree with the other posters, just ask them straight out why they are like this with you.

You are an adult. If they aren't able to give you emotional support then that is too bad but you just have to get on with it.

Make your own life without them. If they don't appreciate you as a person then you are under no obligation to have them in your life. Go visit at xmas or special days if you feel comfortable but don't let your self worth get dragged down because of them.

FairytaleGirl

Op, I sort of know where you're coming from. My parents never pushed me, never pushed me to study, never have me a reason to succeed - like yourself I have many accomplishments that were just acknowledged with a smile.
I confronted my parents about it when I got to a point in my life where I was very insecure and felt worthless.
I asked them if they were proud of me.

Their answers (respectively) were ' Of course we are proud of you!We are so proud of you, but we would be just as proud if you had tried your best in your exams and failed. We would be proud of you no matter what you did, as long as you have tried your best and YOU are happy, then we are happy. You should be proud of yourself for all you have done'

Then I realised that my parents didnt put much weight in achievements and such, they are more about happiness and me doing things that make me happy , they dont define me by my accomplishments.

Maybe yours are the same?

mylefttesticle

Just have a talk with them, some parents just are not capable of showing acts of physical and emotional loving and that does not mean they don't want to some are just clueless about it. You are an adult now you have the power to change that by communicating your needs to them and taking it from there.

BTW Well done on all you have done so far and for being a caring person who instead of ignoring problems like this care enough to come on and ask advice on how to fix it, well done.