Struggling socially

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Just looking for peoples opinions on what I should do about an age old problem. I have suffered from shyness my whole life. While in my younger years, though I knew I was shy, I kind of lived in my own bubble. If I didnt feel like doing anything social, well I just didnt do it. Thing is I did nothing social, even through my college years. Friends came and friends went. By the time I was only leaving college something began to kick in to my system that I wanted a social life but by then it was too late. I have been living the last 4 years trying to make new friends, get reacquainted with old friends but literally it had been one let down after another so much so that I think its beginning to affect my mental health. Life is feeling like a struggle now.

I have pushed myself really hard over the past few years getting a job, last year I went back to college to do a postgrad but my main objective was always to try to find new friends but I know its not working out for me. Its hard in work to hear people going on about their weekends what there doing whereas mine is just weekend of nothing.

The last week was actually quite tough for me as old friends I had, travelled to the city I now live in for the weekend. They know I live here but yet didnt contact me to tell me they were coming. I told them if they were coming to my new home city to contact me and meet up but they didnt do that.

Where do I go from here? I literally have nobody. Not one person in the whole world to meet up with even talk to outside of work and immediate family who I dont particularly get on with. I know it is a kind of my fault for the situation that Im in but I didnt plan for it to turn out like this. It wasnt what I wanted at all but it seems any attempts I make just go by the wayside. I just feel now at 25 that time is passing me by and Im missing out on loads. Im not living as a normal 25 year old should be. How do I turn this around? I way behind where everyone else is???????

J_E

Did you say you live in a city? Sounds cliched but getting involved in social groups can be an excellent way to meet new people, even if it is very tough the first few times. Dining groups in particular usually have a very laid back attitude and you don't feel pressured to drink or anything if you don't want to. You say you lost many friends - was this perhaps attributed to you refusing requests to join in etc. until they gave up? The worst thing you can do in that situation is assume people will come to you, they might be respecting what they perceive as a need for privacy and alone time. There are always people out there, the hardest thing to do is just making that first step back into the world and letting them in. You won't necessarily progress friendships with many you meet but you will find people with similar interests and work it from there. That's the key thing though, friendships are about both sides staying interested. What would your general interests be, yourself?

At least at 25, you have plenty of time to make this right It's an easy place to find yourself, we've been there at one point too.

LegacyUser

My story was that the friends I had got married/boyfriends/busy with lives of their own.

I joined the local tennis club. I knew nobody. I'd never played it. But to my surprise there were others there the same as me. Each Wednesday night was open night where everyone turned up and you were put with others to play games.

Soon I was arranging to play games with others of my level on other evenings.. and at weekends.

Then there were team tournaments where you'd play all weekend. On the team would be beginners, Ok players and really good players. The point being that everyone was there for the social aspect.

soon I was meeting some of the girls who, same as me had no social outlet at weekends..

The point is that there are lots of us just like you. Even if the journey to our present is different. If that makes sense..

try something new.. If not a sport how bout salsa?? Or meetup events or a hillwalking group.

Whatever it is I guarantee you that there will be others who feel the same as you.. just give it a good go. If it doesn't work out try something new.

best of luck.. I know how it feels...

R.D. aka MR.D

How are you trying to make new friends?

What exactly are you doing? Are you being proactive and asking people for coffee/a drink? Or are you just hoping they will do all the work?

I agree with the other poster who said maybe your friends gave up on you because you were always refusing. In that case, you should have texted on the Friday or whatever and said : Are you guys still planning on coming to XX. We should definitely meet up.
Then that shows that you are interested rather than a vague: text me when....

That means the other person is doing the work.

Rubberchikken

agree with the other posts.
you need to be proactive. dont wait around for others.
grab that bull by the horns and get out there. 25 is so young, believe me:)
if you can/want to take up a team sport. it's a great way to get to know others. plus there's no akwardness when you all involved in the sport and it breaks down so many barriers.
take care.

marie12

Are you sporty? If so then there are numerous clubs you could join. Even if you're not sporty cycling has really taken off and is hugely social.
If you're musical you could join a band.
What are your passions?
Are you working at the mo? Go out after work with colleagues.
In general i do think its hard to find good friends especially as a girl in my opinion. Many people have many acquaintances.
Even a very popular Irish figure once said there was only one or two people he could feel he could call.
Be chatty and friendly with people when opportunity arises, be yourself and be more pro active. Good luck :-)

RIRI

Might I suggest volunteering with the local Girl Guide or Scout Unit? They are always looking for leaders and helpers, you will meet people from all walks of life, learn new skills, make life long friends (I certainly have) and has the added bonus of giving something back to your community as well as being good old fashioned fun. Best of luck OP

Manco

I've been there, I'd recommend looking into cognitive behavioural therapy, doesn't work for everyone but I found it a great help with my shyness issues, definitely worth a shot if you haven't tried it.