Unwanted House mate/friend!

Nodferatu

hey all, i need some advice on a situation,
Recently a friend of mine that i had worked with up until recently, i had to leave my job to care for my sick girlfriend) was having health/marriage problems and he turned to me and my girlfriend for help, he was kicked out of his house by the wife for something that happened and had a mental breakdown so me being the nice guy i allowed him to move into our apartment when he asked, (girlfriend agreeing) so he had a place to stay and sort through his problems etc.

Now, he's been getting counseling but things with his wife are not too good, he's allowed see the kids every week but it's very unlikely they are getting back together. It seems his 'stay' with us has turned into longterm now.
He has a small room we rented to him.
Keeping in mind this was supposed to be short term. we are strictly speaking the apartment is supposed to be for TWO occupants, me and girlfriend so this is under the radar or our landlord.
i do NOT want to be keeping another person in flat behind my landlord as i feel uncomfortable about this. me and my girlfriend are starting to miss our apartment our little bubble is gone and were starting to get fed up.

there is lots of little things bothering us about him at minute, he puts his dirty laundry in the washing machine and leaves it there, (not washed). also he has currently left washing in the washing machine for the last 24 hours at least its washed but he hasn't taken it out to hang and dry, it's starting to stink the kitchen. he constantly says, oh I'm gonna clean and do the washing up in the sink, but never does, leaves greasy dirty pans after his cooking in the sink full of hot water to soak ready to be cleaned but never ends up cleaning it. has hovered the house once in the two months he's been here, constantly leaving his stuff laying around the apartment. me and my girlfriend are hygienic clean freaks in a way so stuff like this is driving us crazy. now he's talking about buying another fish tank.. where on earth he is gonna put that in his already jam-packed matchbox room i have no idea.

seeing as my girlfriend is sick a lot and needs care, i'm not working currently and obviously wages are gone so I'm struggling to pay for bill/rent/car etc, I'm struggling to get by, (landlord won't accept rent allowance), so the only upside is rent/bills is cut 3 ways at moment and I'm finding everything bit easier.

however i need to sit down with him and tell him he needs to go but i just cannot figure out HOW to phrase or say it to him, he is a friend so i don't want to be nasty. but i need help, I'm not a confrontational person and i don't know what to say to him. i know its gonna be awkward no matter what but i need help and advice on this.

Tilly

Could you pretend that someone has decided to pay you both a visit and you need the room back so they can stay? Or her mother wants to come take care of her for a while?

kylith

You could always say that the landlord has got wind that he's there and has been on to you.

Luke92

Yeah go with the landlord story. Say the landlord has contacted you saying he has been told of a 3rd person living at the property. Say you can't risk it anymore and you risk losing the property if you keep him there.

If he is a decent fella he will understand and be on his way. If he has any objections then you have to get nasty and tell him he is leaving within the week to gather his stuff and sort alternate accommodation.

Zirconia

kylith wrote: »

You could always say that the landlord has got wind that he's there and has been on to you.

Better to be honest and say you and your girlfriend need your own space, and he should really be looking for a place of his own etc., in as sympathetic a tone as possible. Being dishonest even to spare the other persons feelings can backfire - what if he decides to talk to the landlord to smooth things over for you, etc....

December2012

Have a look on the accommodation forum for good ways to bring up a house / flat mate meeting.

It seems a good way to start would be to remind him that this was always going to be a temporary measure and it's time he started making permanent plans.

mrty

Two options m8. Truth or lie. Easiest way is to tell him landlord found out he's there. You've explained the situation with the landlord and he's giving you or rather your m8 a couple of weeks to find somewhere new or you're all out. Might be the easiest way. Ye should both sit down and help him find a place. But do be kind judging what's happened in his own life he's probably not in a good place at all. I know its been months but break ups can take years to recover from especially a marriage. Good luck to all of you, I hope your girlfriend gets well soon.

ArtyC

I've done the landlord thing before in a similar situation. House in landlords back garden so was believable- it's a white lie. Easiest way out in my opinion

thefeatheredcat

If he's a friend, you should be able to be honest with him. Given that what he has gone through, he's probably not going to take it well that he is being lied to, because he probably will find out, or maybe even suspect it's a lie.

The stuff he does that you have a problem with, you really ought to say it to him when the problems occur. You're making allowances for his situation, he might be hoping you are, but he also might not realise they are issues to you.

I think you just need to have an honest conversation with him. Your girlfriend is sick, you both want your space back. Ask him what his plans are in finding a place. He might not realise he is invading your space but rather think you're still ok to have him there because you haven't made noise about him moving out. He'd probably be more upset to know you've felt this way and resent him than he would be to be told to move along and find his own place.

Neyite

You could also add in that it would also be beneficial if he had somewhere that his children could stay over. At some point the separation will need to be formalised and so too will visitation arrangements. If he has his own place that is suitable for overnight stays he may see his children more, but moreso, his children need somewhere suitable to stay when they visit him.

thefeatheredcat

Neyite wrote: »

his children need somewhere suitable to stay when they visit him.

+1 on this.

Years ago in a student/random people houseshare the landlord's friend was moved in by the landlord, as he had split from his wife. That was fine, but his children (ages I suppose 8&5 something like that) visited like once, twice a month and tbh I wasn't comfortable with that at all. Like I'd have been in my room studying or out and coming back from wherever and I'd have to deal with someone's children around for the few hours, hanging around the house or going and coming back from the park. I didn't think it was suitable or appropriate at all for the children because any of the rest of us could be doing anything, or with anyone when they were around. There was no privacy for them as a family but also I felt it an unsuitable and inappropriate environment for the children to be around in.

It would be worthwhile hammering home the points that Neyvite mentioned as while it may be a long time away perhaps for your friend and visitation rights, I'd agree that he should be preparing himself a place that is appropriate and safe for his children to visit. Like your friend might see no issue, but his ex wife might see a problem with it and might object to the kids seeing their dad at that place in shared accommodation, or object to you and your girlfriend or ye being around at all.

Nodferatu

Hey all, OP here again sorry for slow response, but i want to thank each and every one of you who responded to me and has given advice on the matter. i have decided just being old fashioned straight up honest to his face is the best route even though a little awkward for us. it is a possibility that if i lied and said the landlord found out, he could go try smoothen things over with him as its his boss also. so that would get me in trouble and found out. i think I'm just nervous as I'm too quiet for my own good.
i'll speak with him later this evening and get it out of the way, will let ye know how it went!!

m'lady

I think you made the right decision OP. Your friend should have realised at this stage that he is intruding in your home. He needs the truth, and then he can move on and let your gf and yourself live your lives as you had previously.