How to deal with partners ex and her crazy accusations

superstepmom2b

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this but I really have no idea where to go.

My partners ex seems to be hellbent on trying to ruin my partners life.

They're relationship ended due to her actions. He's a really good man, a great partner and an amazing father. Unfortunately she is extremely bitter and the absolute walking example of a narcisist.

Actions range from not turning up on access days. Screaming and roaring at him in front of their child and when he doesn't react (no point as it makes it worse) she then sends him text messages accusing him of either being aggressive or saying awful things to her or their child.....when he challenges her on this and asks what he is supposed to have said/done she just says you know.....ie I'm making it up.

She's actually crazy! The latest now is she's saying she will report him if he doesn't stop having "conversations" with their daughter and he's sick. Again not saying what he has apparently said. I know this is her messing with his head and doing her best to punish him for not taking her back and moving on with his life.

But what can we do, talking to her just doesn't work and reacting to her is no good. Has any other father gone through this, is there any help out there or anything that can be done? She is actually crazy enough to make false accusations.

Any advice greatly appreciated, just at our wits end and the stress this is causing him is awful to see. He just wants to spend time with his daughter and she just uses her as a way to hurt him.

OU812

She's "building a case".

I'm assuming all this is across text message/email/social media?

If & when she decides she wants an increase in maintenance or something else, she'll take him to court & whip out this "evidence".

Not quite sure what to do about it apart from fight fire with fire. If you ignore it he doesn't get to "tell his side" of the story.

Good luck.

Busted Flat.

superstepmom2b wrote: »

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this but I really have no idea where to go.

My partners ex seems to be hellbent on trying to ruin my partners life.

They're relationship ended due to her actions. He's a really good man, a great partner and an amazing father. Unfortunately she is extremely bitter and the absolute walking example of a narcisist.

Actions range from not turning up on access days. Screaming and roaring at him in front of their child and when he doesn't react (no point as it makes it worse) she then sends him text messages accusing him of either being aggressive or saying awful things to her or their child.....when he challenges her on this and asks what he is supposed to have said/done she just says you know.....ie I'm making it up.

She's actually crazy! The latest now is she's saying she will report him if he doesn't stop having "conversations" with their daughter and he's sick. Again not saying what he has apparently said. I know this is her messing with his head and doing her best to punish him for not taking her back and moving on with his life.

But what can we do, talking to her just doesn't work and reacting to her is no good. Has any other father gone through this, is there any help out there or anything that can be done? She is actually crazy enough to make false accusations.

Any advice greatly appreciated, just at our wits end and the stress this is causing him is awful to see. He just wants to spend time with his daughter and she just uses her as a way to hurt him.

I was there 13 years ago, and it hasn't got any better, after my experience I haven't got a notion of what to sayto you. Some people are pure evil in their dealings with children. Fighting fire with fire can come back at you.

superstepmom2b

Busted Flat. wrote: »

I was there 13 years ago, and it hasn't got any better, after my experience I haven't got a notion of what to sayto you. Some people are pure evil in their dealings with children. Fighting fire with fire can come back at you.

I figured as much, honestly didn't think people could be so inherently evil!

She's a compulsive liar and you right can't fight fire with fire it just doesn't work. He at least remains calm when she kicks off like that in front of their child but it upsets him she has to see that.

I've suggested he doesn't collect her from the mother but maybe from a relative and at least spare the child having to witness the mothers behaviour. Overnight access will be starting soon and to be honest I'm.actually dreading as she's liable to do or say anything.

Busted Flat.

superstepmom2b wrote: »

I figured as much, honestly didn't think people could be so inherently evil!

She's a compulsive liar and you right can't fight fire with fire it just doesn't work. He at least remains calm when she kicks off like that in front of their child but it upsets him she has to see that.

I've suggested he doesn't collect her from the mother but maybe from a relative and at least spare the child having to witness the mothers behaviour. Overnight access will be starting soon and to be honest I'm.actually dreading as she's liable to do or say anything.

What I did at the start was to go to court and get an order to pick up my two in a public place, I chose under the Camera out side the Square, I didn't leave the car or had no conversation with her, that lasted about six months then she stopped me from seeing them, back to court again samo samo. A vicious and costly time, and not rubbing salt into the wounds, I haven't heard from kids for the last eight years. That is family law in this rotten little statelet.

Andy-Pandy

I have no experience of being a parent in this situation but I was the child in something similar. The best thing you can do is make sure the kid is sheltered from any of the fighting. Your idea about picking him/her up from a relative is a great one. Also, make sure you partner doesn't bad mouth his ex to his kid, even if she is doing it about him.

Big Bag of Chips

His phone should have a voice recorder. Let her know, every time he approaches her, "by the way.. I'm recording what is said between us now, so that there can be no confusion later".

It might quieten her, for a while. And at least he does then have a record of whatever was said at pick up/drop off.

eviltwin

If you can I'd no longer have any verbal dealings with her at all. Keep any and all communication to text message or email. If possible have a third party, maybe yourself, do the handovers at access time. Keep a diary of all the times she goes against the agreement as you may need it if you go back to court. I would also agree with Big Bag re recording her but make sure any recording clearly states at the start within her earshot that the recording is taking place.

bp

Not sure if this is an option but would he consider going to the guards to get it on record what she is saying about him, so he can fight the case she is building against him - especially if he is making accusations and also a hand over with a social worker present and defo record the hand over (and tell her it's being recorded)

Big Bag of Chips

It wouldn't be so easy to have a social worker present at handovers. But, if it is court ordered access he could request to vary the order so that handovers are done at/outside a garda station. Also, if he has a court order for access and she doesn't show up, bring the order to the station to have it date stamped and signed.

If it's not court ordered access then get it court ordered.

diveout

superstepmom2b wrote: »

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this but I really have no idea where to go.

My partners ex seems to be hellbent on trying to ruin my partners life.

They're relationship ended due to her actions. He's a really good man, a great partner and an amazing father. Unfortunately she is extremely bitter and the absolute walking example of a narcisist.

Actions range from not turning up on access days. Screaming and roaring at him in front of their child and when he doesn't react (no point as it makes it worse) she then sends him text messages accusing him of either being aggressive or saying awful things to her or their child.....when he challenges her on this and asks what he is supposed to have said/done she just says you know.....ie I'm making it up.

She's actually crazy! The latest now is she's saying she will report him if he doesn't stop having "conversations" with their daughter and he's sick. Again not saying what he has apparently said. I know this is her messing with his head and doing her best to punish him for not taking her back and moving on with his life.

But what can we do, talking to her just doesn't work and reacting to her is no good. Has any other father gone through this, is there any help out there or anything that can be done? She is actually crazy enough to make false accusations.

Any advice greatly appreciated, just at our wits end and the stress this is causing him is awful to see. He just wants to spend time with his daughter and she just uses her as a way to hurt him.

One thing I don't think a lot of single and divorced parents know is they will still be viewed within the paradigms and laws of domestic violence. You don't always have to share a home, sharing a child will place you there.

One think he could do, is pre empt things with an anti- harassment order. This is bordering on legal advice so I will stop there.

False allegations are in themselves a form of malicious abuse and an extension of the domestic violence that predated the split. This should be duly noted.

I agree with the other poster who said she is case building.

Make sure all pick ups and drop offs are done within a cctv camera. Problem with getting a third party to do it is they may end up either colluding with false allegations or being a victim themselves.


http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20140608/local/False-abuse-accusations-not-one-offs-say-lawyers.522377

http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/08/24/false-allegations-in-divorce-and-custody-battles-the-personality-types-of-false-accusers-and-the-falsely-accused/

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It wouldn't be so easy to have a social worker present at handovers. But, if it is court ordered access he could request to vary the order so that handovers are done at/outside a garda station. Also, if he has a court order for access and she doesn't show up, bring the order to the station to have it date stamped and signed.

If it's not court ordered access then get it court ordered.

This plus get legal advice if you can I would say, it definitely sounds like "building a case"

Merkin

He really needs to see a solicitor to protect himself. She sounds unstable and dangerous so actually preempting anything and getting legal advice is the way to go.

January

We cannot give legal advice, and I would, if I were you, be discussing with your partner that this is what he needs to do. Thread closed.