I don't really have feelings

LegacyUser

This is a problem that has been bothering me more and more lately. All my feelings are "bland," so much so that I doubt them continually. From little things to likes and dislikes of food, tv shows etc. to big things like my love for my parents and my partner. Sometimes I don't think I feel at all.

I don't feel like I love my parents, but I know I must becuase I put up with them and sometimes get ideas about wanting them to be happy. I used to imagine them dieing/leaving etc but I could never conjure up and emotion. I can get sad about films and stuff but I only cried once when my granny died and that was actually over a really sweet poem my aunt read at the funeral.

The only reason I know I love my partner is because we broke up once. I mean, I always knew he was my favourite person and I was happy with him, but it was only when I tried to get intimate with someone else I realised I loved him. Throughout our whole break-up I only cried while actually doing the deed and once or twice over the following two days. I mean I'd lived 23 years before I had him, I didn't see why life after him would be hard? It wasn't really, it's just better with him.

None of my friends and family know this about me, though many think it's strange that if they ask "do you like X?" I'll respond with "yeah, I suppose." becuase there are few things I actively like or dislike. I happy enough to go along with whatever.

It makes decision making very hard because I don't really have a gut feeling so choosing involves endless pro and cons lists that tend to be pretty equal.
Does anyone else feel like this? Is there anything I can do to change?

blatantrereg

You clearly do have feelings, and a normal depth of emotion. When you expressed strong emotion it was in response to grief regarding people close to you. Someone with shallow emotions would be more likely to give something superficial as an example of feeling strong emotion.

I would describe you as being a bit disconnected from your emotions, which is very different. There are lots of possible reasons for being that way, including the possibility of depression. If you feel like there might be something wrong with you then perhaps discuss it with a doctor.

I can identify with what you describe to an extent, especially thinking of when I was younger. Might be a defence mechanism. I don't trust people in general, and don't trust emotionality.

LeonardNelson

You definitely have feelings. Maybe your just denying the feelings to yourself. Whatever emotions you have, as long as you show your real feelings. Its better to be true to yourself than lie to something that doesnt exist

shalalala

Did you always feel like this or is it something that happened at a certain period in your life?

LegacyUser

Hi, Op Here. Thanks for the replies.

I mean I always knew I obviously had feelings (There more or less essential to the human epxerience, right?) but it just doesn't seem like that.
I've more or less always felt like this. When I was in school a teacher who was loved by everyone and had a daughter in my year died suddenly. Everyone was devestated but I couldn't make myself care. I felt bad for his son but that was it? Half my year took a week off school to recover. We had a memorial day the following year, I would have been about seventeen, and everybody was in floods of tears except me. One girl glared at me as she said to her friend (both of whom I would have considered friends) "Anyone who didn't cry at that is f*cking heartless"

It's just that it never really effected me before. In many ways it was a good thing! I did worry what people would think if I couldn't cry at my own parents funeral but that seems silly. It's only a problem now that I'm in a serious relationship. I know there's love for my partner in there somewhere but I have difficulty finding it sometimes/often. When things get difficult or I'm so busy with other things that I have to make time for him I get little voices saying "Who cares? You're heartless. You don't really love him. You're just convincing yourself you are. Can you feel it? No? so, you don't love him."

I think this might just be anxiety or something because I used to worry he'd leave and then I never doubted my love. Now I'm sure he won't it's like I need a new worry. I also agree I might be protecting myself but I don't know how to not do it. I don't feel like I can open up any more or like I have any more layers left for him to uncover.

Rubberchikken

I dont think it means a person has no feelings if they're not in floods of tears because someone dies.
Tbh i think it's very easy for some people to be 'in floods' because it's the expected thing- emotions out there, and all visible. Doesnt mean they're genuine.


I think you might be reading too much into how you think you should feel.
If you love your oh and they love you, then thats really all that matters.

shalalala

I think you should talk to someone about this. My ex had very little feelings but he could nearly pinpoint it to a moment in time where a lot of emotional stress happened to him. That was the reason i asked that.

If it is something that bothers you then counselling might be able to help you. X

Oink

If you are serious about changing, you need to talk to someone who knows what they're on about. I think a GP would be best. A good GP, who will actually listen to you and knows their job. If you're in Dublin I can recommend one.

(Also, the first concrete step you can take is to exercise SERIOUSLY if you're not doing it already. I'm talking gym+training goals+training plan. Mental health 101...)

Disclaimer: not a Dr or professional myself.

All the best!!

blatantrereg

Rubberchikken wrote: »

I dont think it means a person has no feelings if they're not in floods of tears because someone dies.
Tbh i think it's very easy for some people to be 'in floods' because it's the expected thing- emotions out there, and all visible. Doesnt mean they're genuine.


I think you might be reading too much into how you think you should feel.
If you love your oh and they love you, then thats really all that matters.

I was thinking along the same lines after reading your second post OP. A lot of people fake or exaggerate emotions, just to portray a certain image of themselves, or to fit in with what is expected of them.

There's a famous novel called The Outsider by Camus which explores this concept. It suggests the problem here would be with society, very much not with you.

I think you are female from reading your posts, and I think it's fair to say that you might feel more pressure to become emotional in certain contexts as a result of that than males do - again because of social expectation.

Odaise Gaelach

To be very blunt and honest OP, you sound an awful lot like me, from the lack of feelings even down to that very self-critical side that says I'm useless or hopeless. And I'm sure that you're not a heartless person, despite what you might think.

I think that you should see a therapist about this, or at the least go to your GP. Because I've had days that I felt so numb and bereft of feelings that I couldn't get out of bed. But I'm now seeing a therapist, and therapy is giving me a safe place where I can start to bring down my emotional defences and learn how to express myself better, and I'm really starting to "feel" again. And not all of the feelings are necessarily "good", but they're far better than the emptiness.

Regardless of what you decide, I hope that things start getting better for you soon. All the best!