friendless

katiem111

I feel very strange posting here but I am struggling with a truth that I have tried to ignore my whole life (I am 50!) - I am not the life and soul of the party, never was, and never will be. When I was at school I had friends but I see now I was always the third wheel, never the best friend. I moved to the back of beyond from a city in the UK when I was 12 and it took me 20 years to realize I was never going back. I have no ties to the town I live in, other than my husband, who knows everyone, which somehow makes it harder. I work amongst lots of people but still feel like an outsider, my fault, not theirs. I feel more comfortable around strangers than these casual aquantances, isn't that strange? I feel it is too late for me, and that makes me feel so sadly desperate sometimes, I wonder what is the point of each day. I have a good husband, a lovely daughter and granddaughter, whom I love dearly, and a son I worry about, as I fear he is as lonely as I am. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, and I know things could be a lot worse, but what I wouldn't give to be able to call a friend up to go shopping with, go for a night out or just have a gossip with. (I do have one friend, my only friend and she is great, but I am only one of her many friends, so don't feel I can tell her this sad tale, in case she takes fright!)
I had a rough upbringing, and I think that has made me feel inferior to almost everyone I know, I am shy and socially awkward, and I am no great beauty, so I tend to think why would anyone want to spend time with me. I know there is no quick fix for me, but if you see anything of yourself in my life, do something about it before you end up like me. You don't want to get to 50 and have no one to laugh and cry with.

Lou.m

katiem111 wrote: »

I feel very strange posting here but I am struggling with a truth that I have tried to ignore my whole life (I am 50!) - I am not the life and soul of the party, never was, and never will be. When I was at school I had friends but I see now I was always the third wheel, never the best friend. I moved to the back of beyond from a city in the UK when I was 12 and it took me 20 years to realize I was never going back. I have no ties to the town I live in, other than my husband, who knows everyone, which somehow makes it harder. I work amongst lots of people but still feel like an outsider, my fault, not theirs. I feel more comfortable around strangers than these casual aquantances, isn't that strange? I feel it is too late for me, and that makes me feel so sadly desperate sometimes, I wonder what is the point of each day. I have a good husband, a lovely daughter and granddaughter, whom I love dearly, and a son I worry about, as I fear he is as lonely as I am. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, and I know things could be a lot worse, but what I wouldn't give to be able to call a friend up to go shopping with, go for a night out or just have a gossip with. (I do have one friend, my only friend and she is great, but I am only one of her many friends, so don't feel I can tell her this sad tale, in case she takes fright!)
I had a rough upbringing, and I think that has made me feel inferior to almost everyone I know, I am shy and socially awkward, and I am no great beauty, so I tend to think why would anyone want to spend time with me. I know there is no quick fix for me, but if you see anything of yourself in my life, do something about it before you end up like me. You don't want to get to 50 and have no one to laugh and cry with.

Of course it is never too late why would it be? Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Don't get to 55 and be unhappy ...make it a goal to have a great happy 55 th and even 51 st birthday

LeonardNelson

Embrace yourself for who you are. For me, I always stick to the quality of friends than quantity. You can make new friends. It doesnt vary on the age.

SterlingArcher

katiem111 wrote: »

I feel very strange posting here but I am struggling with a truth that I have tried to ignore my whole life (I am 50!) - I am not the life and soul of the party, never was, and never will be. When I was at school I had friends but I see now I was always the third wheel, never the best friend. I moved to the back of beyond from a city in the UK when I was 12 and it took me 20 years to realize Iwas never going back. I have no ties to the town I live in, other than my husband, who knows everyone, which somehow makes it harder. I work amongst lots of people but still feel like an outsider, my fault, not theirs. I feel more comfortable around strangers than these casual aquantances, isn't that strange? I feel it is too late for me, and that makes me feel so sadly desperate sometimes, I wonder what is the point of each day. I have a good husband, a lovely daughter and granddaughter, whom I love dearly, and a son I worry about, as I fear he is as lonely as I am. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, and I know things could be a lot worse, but what I wouldn't give to be able to call a friend up to go shopping with, go for a night out or just have a gossip with. (I do have one friend, my only friend and she is great, but I am only one of her many friends, so don't feel I can tell her this sad tale, in case she takes fright!)
I had a rough upbringing, and I think that has made me feel inferior to almost everyone I know, I am shy and socially awkward, and I am no great beauty, so I tend to think why would anyone want to spend time with me. I know there is no quick fix for me, but if you see anything of yourself in my life, do something about it before you end up like me. You don't want to get to 50 and have no one to laugh and cry with.

Awesome post Katie. I say that never. I guess people need to open their eyes while they're young. And notice their friends that are genuine. And appreciate them. Glad I do. That is all I can assume you mean. Personally being genuine is the first and last thing I look for in a person. Don't care if they are smart as well off or basically like the same things I do. It is the only thing that matters.

The fact you can express such brutal honesty , making you so vulnerable, tells you are very worth knowing. More than even you know. A diamond in the rough.

Jenneke87

Your post struck a cord with me Katie, I'm kind of like you, only 23 years younger and have very few friends(one in fact, besides my sister) It's not for a lack of trying I believe, people just never stick around or keep in touch even when I try to maintain regular contact, it just fades out over time. It has come to the point where Ive kind of given up on ever having a close group of friends and in a sense the loneliness is something I've gotten used to over the years. Like you, I would love it if I got an out of the blue call from a friend or somebody to go out with but I've resigned myself to the fact that is something I will miss out on in this life as people never seem to want to stick around. I really hope things will turn around for you!

Starokan

Being lonely is really hard and over time takes a huge toll on someone which seems to be happening here. Moving from the position of being lonely to having friends etc takes time and it takes some work.

If you wish this to better you will have to set your mind to making a bigger effort, I think the first step is to work on your own self confidence, you can do this either through self help books/courses etc or you could visit a therapist and work with them.

If you can increase your self confidence and self esteem then perhaps you can get to the core of the issue which is the inability to be forward enough to move towards cultivating friends. Your post is so honest and nice that I know you are the type of person most people would get on with straight away. Every person you meet is a potential friend, you have to get out there, you have to be willing to take the first step like say inviting someone for coffee, join a group , gym, class anything that puts you in contact with people outside your family.

It wont happen overnight , but any step you take to increasing the amount of people you are in contact with will ultimately take you in the right direction.

katiem111

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Your post struck a cord with me Katie, I'm kind of like you, only 23 years younger and have very few friends(one in fact, besides my sister) It's not for a lack of trying I believe, people just never stick around or keep in touch even when I try to maintain regular contact, it just fades out over time. It has come to the point where Ive kind of given up on ever having a close group of friends and in a sense the loneliness is something I've gotten used to over the years. Like you, I would love it if I got an out of the blue call from a friend or somebody to go out with but I've resigned myself to the fact that is something I will miss out on in this life as people never seem to want to stick around. I really hope things will turn around for you!

I am sorry you feel this way too, I think maybe we appear too aloof or independent, or self sufficient. I have decided to speak to someone new every day, if I can, and open up to people a little. What is the worst that can happen? I have one advantage at my age, I am beginning to care less how other people see me. Good luck to you, if I find a miracle cure I will pass it on!

katiem111

Starokan wrote: »

Being lonely is really hard and over time takes a huge toll on someone which seems to be happening here. Moving from the position of being lonely to having friends etc takes time and it takes some work.

If you wish this to better you will have to set your mind to making a bigger effort, I think the first step is to work on your own self confidence, you can do this either through self help books/courses etc or you could visit a therapist and work with them.

If you can increase your self confidence and self esteem then perhaps you can get to the core of the issue which is the inability to be forward enough to move towards cultivating friends. Your post is so honest and nice that I know you are the type of person most people would get on with straight away. Every person you meet is a potential friend, you have to get out there, you have to be willing to take the first step like say inviting someone for coffee, join a group , gym, class anything that puts you in contact with people outside your family.

It wont happen overnight , but any step you take to increasing the amount of people you are in contact with will ultimately take you in the right direction.

Thanks, all good, commonsense advice. I have often wondered if therapy is the answer, will look into it. Am going to start today with a more positive attitude, and be realistic with my expectations.

katiem111

Thanks to you all for taking the time to read and reply, it means a lot to me. I was a bit self-indulgant, but glad I got it off my chest. It's not good to live inside your own head so much. Thanks again for listening.

LegacyUser

I know how you feel. I felt exactly the same way for long periods of time. The turning point for me came one day when I was wandering around town (on my own) and I bumped into a girl I used to live with in college. We had gotten along but she had loads of friends and I never felt that she had room for me in her life.

She told me that she was really lonely, everyone had moved on/ away, etc and she felt left behind and lonely. She asked if we could meet up a bit cos we had been friends (kind of news to me). Anyway, this showed me how skewed my own view of friendship was. I would have died alone rather than admitting that I was lonely and I never thought of us as friends, but it seems she did.

I made a new years resolution to be better at keeping in contact with her and now, many years later we are firm friends. She has introduced me to loads of people, who I would never have felt comfortable with before.

i know that this isn't much help, but I think what I am trying to get at is that people not like us, if you know what I mean see no shame in admitting that their circle of friends has fallen away and that they need help. There are plenty of lonely people out there, so reach out to someone, take the first step. I see other people making friends easily, they just are more upfront about making contact and stuff than I am. Be brave. Big hugs from a fellow lonely person.

Rubberchikken

good post.
you have a friend who has other friends. could she introduce you to some of them or include you when meeting up with them?
you say you're worried about your son. does he have a friend/group of friends himself?

it can seem hard to make friends as we get older, but it is doable. just takes time and needs us to leave our guard down and be open and friendly.
take care.

tenifan

katiem111 wrote: »

I know there is no quick fix for me, but if you see anything of yourself in my life, do something about it before you end up like me. You don't want to get to 50 and have no one to laugh and cry with.

I read something today I thought was good: "You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again"

It's easier to make friends with people you have stuff in common with. If you've any hobbies or interests try to pursue them.

Do you and your husband have any friends who are also couples? Seeing as he knows so many people it could be a good way for you to meet some female friends.

katiem111

I know the feeling... wrote: »

I know how you feel. I felt exactly the same way for long periods of time. The turning point for me came one day when I was wandering around town (on my own) and I bumped into a girl I used to live with in college. We had gotten along but she had loads of friends and I never felt that she had room for me in her life.

She told me that she was really lonely, everyone had moved on/ away, etc and she felt left behind and lonely. She asked if we could meet up a bit cos we had been friends (kind of news to me). Anyway, this showed me how skewed my own view of friendship was. I would have died alone rather than admitting that I was lonely and I never thought of us as friends, but it seems she did.

I made a new years resolution to be better at keeping in contact with her and now, many years later we are firm friends. She has introduced me to loads of people, who I would never have felt comfortable with before.

i know that this isn't much help, but I think what I am trying to get at is that people not like us, if you know what I mean see no shame in admitting that their circle of friends has fallen away and that they need help. There are plenty of lonely people out there, so reach out to someone, take the first step. I see other people making friends easily, they just are more upfront about making contact and stuff than I am. Be brave. Big hugs from a fellow lonely person.

You are so right about not admitting our loneliness, like it is some social disease we have. I have never told anyone in my family how I feel, I would be too afraid they would see me as less of a person. Hurray for you, though, finding friends old and new. Gives the rest of us sad cases hope! Enjoy your new life to the full, big hugs right back.

katiem111

Rubberchikken wrote: »

good post.
you have a friend who has other friends. could she introduce you to some of them or include you when meeting up with them?
you say you're worried about your son. does he have a friend/group of friends himself?

it can seem hard to make friends as we get older, but it is doable. just takes time and needs us to leave our guard down and be open and friendly.
take care.

We do know most of the same people, its a very small town, but within a day of meeting someone new, she would know their life story, I can never get past the small talk stage. Must try harder. My son is OK, he has a small group of friends and a lovely girlfriend, I suppose I just think he should be out more but that's me projecting again. I always think everyone else has a great social life, tons of friends, good times galore, when they are probably home watching telly or ironing. The grass is always greener...