Can't get over what I did in college

LegacyUser

I finished college five years ago. In the four years I spent there, I completely alienated myself from everyone, made no friends, didn't go to many lectures as a result of having no friends, and basically squandered my time and my opportunities.

I'm working now, don't do that 'avoiding people' thing anymore, have some friends, a significant other, and am much more 'normal'.

But I can't seem to get over what I did in college. I don't understand exactly why I did it - I always had friends in school. I alienated myself towards the end of the first term of first year college, and couldn't seem to get back. I think spending so much time on my own damaged me socially and damaged my social confidence, and I'm still seeing the effects of that today. I think I failed to develop my personality at a time I should have. I feel very sad when I see others with their close group of old college buddies, when I have nothing like that.

And I feel so angry with myself still: wondering why I did that, lamenting the opportunities I missed, the lovely experiences I didn't have, the sheer stupid waste of it.

I worry that I harmed myself in a lasting way by doing it. I worry that the fact I did it in the first place means I am a messed-up person. And I worry that I'll do it again - when I got very busy at work recently I found myself avoiding my friends a little, and I became terrified that I'd slip back to the old me again.

I'm not sure if I should share this with anyone - I haven't even told my other half for fear he'd think me a complete weirdo and a loser. But I just can't seem to get past it in my own head.

Any advice appreciated.

Tokyo

OP,

college is a period of transition for most people in their lives, and a lot of us, myself included, look back and wish that we'd done things differently sometimes. Having said that however, you're looking back on that period of your life and thinking that you squandered your time and my opportunities. You can't change the past however much you may want to - you can only accept it, learn from it and move on from it, and looking back retrospectively as often as you do and with such feelings of regret "lamenting the opportunities I missed, the lovely experiences I didn't have, the sheer stupid waste of it", and it reaches a point where you end up squandering the here and now too.

If it's still such a stumbling block for you years later, then I really do think that you should talk to somebody about it, even if it just means chatting about it with your OH to see what he thinks. After all, he is your partner and should be there for you at moments like this, same as you would be there for him. If it feels like its a bigger issue for you, then talking to a professional about it might be more appropriate...

RossFixxxed

You need to go to a professional. We've all made mess ups, had bad times, all that, but if you are obsessed with the past and your self worth is as low as your posts suggest you need to fix it. The past is gone. You need to learn to move on, and stop caring how you'll be judged. Good luck!

Lou.m

Wow your post made me sad for you.

College was one of the greatest experiences ever for me. I met so many interesting people even from other countries and backgrounds and most of them are still very good friends. I even am friends with some lecturers now.

But you know you cannot turn back time.

Focus on now and opening up your life. Vary your interests. Meet new people the world is fascinating.

Rubberchikken

You know you cant turn time back and thinking about what did/didnt happen then is only wasting time.
What bothers me is why this is getting to you now. Has something happened to make these memories resurface?

Merkin

Do you think you may have suffered from depression or anxiety when in college? It's interesting that old thought processes looked like they could resurface during a recently stressful period again. Is this something that you have considered?

LegacyUser

Lou.m wrote: »

Wow your post made me sad for you.

College was one of the greatest experiences ever for me. I met so many interesting people even from other countries and backgrounds and most of them are still very good friends. I even am friends with some lecturers now.

But you know you cannot turn back time.

Aw I know, I'm a little sad for me too! Ha - yeah, I'm aware i missed out on all this kind of stuff, and I do regret it.

Thanks for all the replies. Yes, you are all right - I do need to move on from this and stop looking back to the past. I suppose I still feel that it's part of my life for a number of reasons.

Firstly, I'm not as socially confident or as good socially as I would like to be, at all. I'm ok one-on-one and good at deep conversations, but I can't seem to relax or hold my own in group situations and am fairly sub-standard at the banter. I attribute this to what I did back then. It's funny, but I seem to be getting worse and worse in this area recently since I have gone through a stressful time in work and since I have begun to dwell on it.

Secondly, a reunion for my college class was recently announced. I was invited (along with everyone else in the class), and I suppose this brought up memories. It also prompted me to look up some of these people, wish I hadn't run away from them all, and wish that I'd acted differently. Additionally - and I know this sounds silly - a lot of them are doing so well professionally now. I'm doing fine, but I'm not at all where I thought I'd be when I started college. I can't help thinking that if I hadn't run away from everything (lectures too!), and if I'd engaged with my course a little more, I could be there now as well.

Also, there's the fact that my boyfriend and many of the people I'm now friendly with have great strong ties with college friends, and it makes me wish I too had that.

Finally, it was asked if I could have been suffering with depression etc back then. I think it's possible that I was. I have been seeing a counsellor (only very recently, for the first time ever) about unhappy feelings I've been having. She seems to think it's due mainly to stress at work. I think maybe it's deeper than that, and that maybe it was there in college too (although she skirts over that when I try and bring it up). I suppose that the way I'm feeling now is similar to the way I wax feeling then, including my avoiding tendancies coming back somewhat, and that's bringing me back to that time.

Thanks, it feels good to let this all out.

Semele

I was exactly the same in college! I have only one (very good) friend from that time. Looking back I was very depressed for most of my college years but wasn't aware of it because it was so constant and non-dramatic. I had great friends through house-shares etc but didn't know my class and hater being in lectures because I felt simultaneously both conspicuous and overlooked.

I'd been very shy all through school as well, although a lot of that was just not fitting in well. As I've got older (30 now), I've grown so much more confident, successful and I have a wonderful selection of friends all over the place. I'd almost forgot about the way things used to be.

However, I did group therapy 1 day a week for a year as part of a counselling qualification. I was excited about this at first and had no problem talking with the others in the group. But to my surprise, within the first couple of weeks it felt like being in school/uni again...I was crippled with feelings of inadequacy and resentment, while also desperately wanting people to make an effort with me. I had no idea those feelings were still there or that I could feel them so strongly. This prompted me to explore it more and see where all of that had come from in the first place, via counselling.

I was going to suggest counselling to you when I first read your post, but now I see you are already going. I think that's a great idea, but it might be worth trying group therapy to work on relational issues in a larger group. I'd had counselling before, but interacting 1:1 can be a very different thing to being part of a group, and my old feelings would never have come to my attention if I hadn't been in a group setting that triggered them off again and allowed me to address them.

Do continue to address your feelings, OP. College is an amazing experience for some people, but I know of many more who hated it and didn't fit in. Unfortunately, because of the narrative that college is the best time of your life, it feels really hard to say anything otherwise, and instead of just having had a different experience it is easy to feel that you have somehow failed. You haven't. It means nothing. I've had an amazing time over recent years and have a much stronger sense of contentment with who I am- I just wasn't there yet in college/uni. It doesn't define you, but make sure your feelings around it don't hold you back from going on to greater things with you life.

kjl

You know most people I went to college with I don't see anymore.

Circle of life, people move on.

I think you should be happy that you seem quite normal now and don't ponder on things that don't really matter.

Stavro Mueller

If I'm honest I didn't make full use of my college years either. If I've any regrets about that, they've long since gone. Why? Because I became an adult and began to live in the real world. Not the glorified kindergarten that is college.

When you were back in school you didn't have trouble with making friends because you were looking at the same faces day in day out for years on end. Making friends with your classmates is a piece of cake for most people. Going away to college is the equivalent of pulling the rug out from under you. You've to start again and try to make new friends. My guess is that college simply highlighted the difficulty you've got - the struggle to make new friends. If you'd moved away straight after the leaving and were in a strange town you'd have had exactly the same issues.

I think people's personalities develop a lot more when they leave college and go travelling/start working. That's when most graduates start having to deal with people of all different ages, take responsibility and begin to live like adults. It's a totally different world to college.

As time goes on your boyfriend's connection with his old college/college friends will lessen. It's the way life goes. And actually, if I met someone in their thirties who still thought that their college days were the best days of their lives, I'd worry about them.

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

When you were back in school you didn't have trouble with making friends because you were looking at the same faces day in day out for years on end. Making friends with your classmates is a piece of cake for most people. Going away to college is the equivalent of pulling the rug out from under you. You've to start again and try to make new friends. My guess is that college simply highlighted the difficulty you've got - the struggle to make new friends. If you'd moved away straight after the leaving and were in a strange town you'd have had exactly the same issues.

cymbaline wrote: »

When you were back in school you didn't have trouble with making friends because you were looking at the same faces day in day out for years on end. Making friends with your classmates is a piece of cake for most people. Going away to college is the equivalent of pulling the rug out from under you. You've to start again and try to make new friends. My guess is that college simply highlighted the difficulty you've got - the struggle to make new friends. If you'd moved away straight after the leaving and were in a strange town you'd have had exactly the same issues.

I don't know about this - I went to five different schools during my school years and was fine to make friends in each new place. So it wasn't really a case of looking at the same faces for 14 years and having friends there by default. I started again over and over during these years.

Cheers for all the advice people. It has made me realise that I'm dwelling too much on something that's in the past. I actually mentioned to one of my (newer) friends yesterday that I felt bad about not having a group from my college days (without telling her the full story!). She has tons of friends so I was amazed when she told me 'I only speak to two people from college now!' Her friends are from all over. So maybe there's hope for me yet!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your post Semele, it really resonated with me, especially what you said about feeling 'both conspicuous and overlooked' in lectures! I'm glad that things are now going so well for you. Things did improve for me a lot after I left college, but now I feel like I've started to go backwards a bit, which is probably one of the reasons I've started thinking about that time so much again. But I've got to move forward!

Thanks for the suggestion about group therapy. As chance would have it I've already signed up for this, and will start in a couple of months - I'm hopeful it will be helpful after reading of your positive experiences with it. If there were any other actions you took which you found helpful in getting you to your current good place, I would be very grateful to hear them.