Ending a relationship

sovereign121

Hi guys,
Looking for a small bit of advice. I have been seeing a girl for 3months now and she is an incredible person. I do care about her deeply but if I am honest I do not feel that I am in love with her. We do click and do have alot in common.
Due to my personal circumstances I feel I cannot devout myself entirely to her at this point in time. I have a sister who is terminally and I work extremely unsociable hours so our time together is few and far between. I know she loves me and for that reason I do not want to mess her about. I feel I must end this relationship and I have decided today is the day. I know this will be a bolt out of the blue to her and will upset her hugely. I'm really cut up about this and don't want to hurt her. I really need some advice here as I am not good at this sort of thing. Anything you have to say would be extremely appreciated. Thank you.

Redsox Rover

OP,

Let me start by saying i am sorry to hear about your sister. I have been there with a sibling and it is very difficult.

I also want to commend you for making this decision when it would be easier to stay in this relationship and allow your girlfriend to become more attached. If you are sure that you want to break up and dont see a future with your girlfriend then there is no easy way to do it.

The only advice i can give you is just be honest, firm and compassionate. Do it in person and not by phone or text if possible. Tell her exactly how you feel. It will be extremely difficult and you will not feel good after it but if it is truly what you want then in time you will be fine and so will she.

I would also give you the standard advice on cut all contact for her sake as much as your own. Keeping in contact only allows for a glimmer of hope to remain.

I hope it goes as good as it possible can for you.

sovereign121

Redsox Rover wrote: »

OP,

Let me start by saying i am sorry to hear about your sister. I have been there with a sibling and it is very difficult.

I also want to commend you for making this decision when it would be easier to stay in this relationship and allow your girlfriend to become more attached. If you are sure that you want to break up and dont see a future with your girlfriend then there is no easy way to do it.

The only advice i can give you is just be honest, firm and compassionate. Do it in person and not by phone or text if possible. Tell her exactly how you feel. It will be extremely difficult and you will not feel good after it but if it is truly what you want then in time you will be fine and so will she.

I would also give you the standard advice on cut all contact for her sake as much as your own. Keeping in contact only allows for a glimmer of hope to remain.

I hope it goes as good as it possible can for you.

Thank you very much I really appreciate your time to post that reply.
I find I have to spend an increased amount of my time off back home with my family due to my sister. That is 200miles away and I keep having to let this girl down when we have plans. I just don't feel that now is the right time for me to continue or be in any relationship for that matter.
Like I said I really don't want to hurt her but I can't string her along either. This is the only option for me right now as she has to be able to get on with her life too. But I must admit I am terrible at this kind of thing and already can feel myself backing out of what I must do.

kjl

OK first and foremost

You need to determine if this is a break or a full break up

Despite you having personal issues the first thing you said is that you do not love her, when you break up you need to be clear that it is over and it will not be getting back together.

The worst thing you can do to the girl is give her hope of a future reconciliation as if she is really into you she will hang on to this and it will be impossible for her to get closure.

A little pain now will save her a lot in the future.

sovereign121

I am fully sure of my intentions in this regard and yes it is a full break not a "break". I would never be my intention to string her along and keep her hopes up only to shatter her. I do really care about her and I am fully aware that she deserves better than that.

Raminahobbin

You're just going to have to take the bull by the horns and do it.

There's never an easy way to do this. Tell her you need to talk to her, sit her down, and explain gently but firmly how you feel. Some people are surprisingly understanding and mature about it, but some people get very emotional and try to look for ANY way to make it work regardless of what you're telling them. Do not give her hope, do not say 'if things had been different' etc etc. It might feel harsh, but it's better in the long run.

sovereign121

Well it is done and it was fcuking awful. Didn't know how hard it would be. We sat and talked and cried and hugged for 2 hours but she was understanding despite being extremely upset. Not nice.

fergie24

Fair play to you OP. She will look back at you in time with a lot of respect on hOw you did this the correct way, with compassion and respectfulness you showed to her and to the relationship ye had. Having just been out of a year and a half of a long distance relationship and was preparing to move to Europe my x went about breaking up with me by email. I lost all respect for her that she couldn't do it the right and mature way, it takes a strong person to do it face to face.

sovereign121

I honestly didn't expect it to be that hard. I have been in 2 long term relationships both 4 and 5 years. But this was strange. Just 3 months but it was an intense 3 months and I knew how strongly she was feeling and I too felt very strongly for her. We live 40 miles apart and so I decided to drive up and lay it all on the table and it was very difficult and emotional for us both. She is texting now as I know she went down to stay with her sister and I know she is after a bottle of wine. It is hard not to text back but I know it is for the best. Im sure her pain may turn to anger soon enough. I appreciate all of your comments. I do feel like a dick for doing it but I couldn't string her along. It wouldn't be fair on her.

IrishEyes19

sovereign121 wrote: »

I honestly didn't expect it to be that hard. I have been in 2 long term relationships both 4 and 5 years. But this was strange. Just 3 months but it was an intense 3 months and I knew how strongly she was feeling and I too felt very strongly for her. We live 40 miles apart and so I decided to drive up and lay it all on the table and it was very difficult and emotional for us both. She is texting now as I know she went down to stay with her sister and I know she is after a bottle of wine. It is hard not to text back but I know it is for the best. Im sure her pain may turn to anger soon enough. I appreciate all of your comments. I do feel like a dick for doing it but I couldn't string her along. It wouldn't be fair on her.

Not at all, you handled it so well and so kindly. Many have just fazed it out and left the person in bits after. I think ending the texting is important though. It may become a crutch for her so I think cruel to be kind and cutting contact for a while might be in order. wishing you all the best in this hard time.

Corkgirl210

sorry for your troubles sov.. but well done, you were honest with yourself and your now ex.. could be right girl wrong timing.. who knows what might happen down the line but at least you were being true to yourself..
Pity more men were not like you!