Why does this happen?

Glowla

I was seeing a guy for a few months a while back but because we both went through an intense busy period with work etc it was difficult to see eachother (we live quite a distance away) so we let things go and remained on good terms.

Recently sporadic contact has struck up (initiated by him) but lately he has sent texts/emails to which I respond and then he ignores me? This is getting to me now - have other people encountered this? I don't know if its mind games or perhaps a sign of interest/test the waters but is not sure how to proceed?

He emailed me last week asking how my work was going/life in general, I gave a friendly response a little while later and since then zilch. Should I call him up on this pattern or just ignore the next crumb he gives me? I really liked this one and each time he contacts me I get set back

Thanks

Stavro Mueller

Glowla. Is this the guy you posted about here before?

strobe

I'd say just text/email him and ask him straight out what the craic is. "Here Bob, why did you get back in touch? Seems you message me, I message back and then I don't here from you for a bit and you message again another time then same thing. Just firing me off a text whenever you're bored or what?" or words to that effect.

Starokan

it happens because he is a dick who gets kicks out of keeping you hooked when he does not have the same level of interest. Don't even bother pulling him up on it, ignore and move on as quick as you can

Glowla

Cymbaline, no this is a different situation - I seem to be a common denominator though

Hmm yeah maybe a more direct approach would be good ... don't want to come off bitchy but just that this can't continue!

Glowla

That's the other side of it Starokan, part of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing its getting to me...

Starokan

Glowla wrote: »

That's the other side of it Starokan, part of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing its getting to me...

no part of you wants to stay in contact with him regardless of how he is hurting you, he's playing mind games and you are getting caught up in them.

ignore and move on, if you do that you wont give a fiddlers what he thinks

liz lemoncello

Glowla wrote: »

......
Recently sporadic contact has struck up (initiated by him) but lately he has sent texts/emails to which I respond and then he ignores me? This is getting to me now - have other people encountered this? I don't know if its mind games or perhaps a sign of interest/test the waters but is not sure how to proceed?

How does he ignore you?

He emailed me last week asking how my work was going/life in general, I gave a friendly response a little while later and since then zilch. Should I call him up on this pattern or just ignore the next crumb he gives me? I really liked this one and each time he contacts me I get set back

Thanks

The pattern seems to be he contacts you, you reply, then wait for him to contact you again, or am I misunderstanding something? Maybe he is waiting for you to take a turn at initiating contact?

Glowla

liz lemoncello wrote: »

How does he ignore you?


The pattern seems to be he contacts you, you reply, then wait for him to contact you again, or am I misunderstanding something? Maybe he is waiting for you to take a turn at initiating contact?

He starts contact, I respond and then I hear nothing more from him for another few weeks - maybe ignore isn't a good choice of word, sorry

Hm I had thought that maybe he wants me to initiate but why after making a move to contact me would he stop replying to me each time after one or two messages? I have initiated once or twice and he has replied. I just don't know how he feels (he was never good to show emotion!) and am afraid of reaching out I suppose and getting hurt again in the meantime...

Merkin

I'd have zero tolerance for such bullsh1t. People who play hot and cold like this are not fundamentally interested. Block his number, delete him from Facebook and don't waste a moment more on him.

CaraMay

Merkin wrote: »

I'd have zero tolerance for such bullsh1t. People who play hot and cold like this are not fundamentally interested. Block his number, delete him from Facebook and don't waste a moment more on him.

Exactly!!! Why waste time when there are so many nice guys out there who won't mess you around

Merkin

I know! In my own experience, the guys who were really interested would never leave you hanging or in limbo like that. It's just rude carry on and shows he's not really that pushed.

You deserve way better treatment than that OP.

Glowla

I know I would be saying the same thing if I weren't in the situation - I give advice to my friends all the time yet when it comes to me I don't listen to myself at all!

Would people think it would be a bad idea to contact him after a few days and call him out that I don't see the point of this trend of contact (if he was genuinely interested its a different story) and to basically either sh!t or get off the pot....putting it bluntly!

CaraMay

Do you really want to be with someone who has treated you like this?

strandroad

Seriously. He can't be bothered, there's no enticing, encouraging or forcing him to be. Find someone who is actively interested and you'll be asking yourself why you were even bothered with this guy.

Merkin

I wouldn't bother. You shouldn't have to make such a declaration/issue such an ultimatum and I get the distinct impression he'll give you a response to keep your interest stoked......if he was keen you would know, sorry for the candour but he's not interested.

Glowla

I think its reaching a point where I know he's not interested but its just the stupid thing of him getting this 'kick' out of messing around and thinking I'll go along with by being passive and not confronting him
I understand that ignoring him if he contacts again is def what I'll be doing but for the moment..

IrishEyes19

Glowla wrote: »

I know I would be saying the same thing if I weren't in the situation - I give advice to my friends all the time yet when it comes to me I don't listen to myself at all!

Would people think it would be a bad idea to contact him after a few days and call him out that I don't see the point of this trend of contact (if he was genuinely interested its a different story) and to basically either sh!t or get off the pot....putting it bluntly!

If it was me, I'd just send a casual message just stating that it was nice to re-connect but is there something going to happen. Don't get all indignant or angry because to be honest he could enjoy your company and the friendship that was there before as you said, it ended on good terms so maybe he's keeping it in the friendship zone. That said, you are perfectly in your right to try and define what this is exactly, so bring it up in a friendly but direct manner. See what he says, if he avoids the question or plays around it, you have your answer and its up to you how to act against it. Best of luck.

Merkin

Glowla wrote: »

I think its reaching a point where I know he's not interested but its just the stupid thing of him getting this 'kick' out of messing around and thinking I'll go along with by being passive and not confronting him
I understand that ignoring him if he contacts again is def what I'll be doing but for the moment..

I honestly think you're imagining that he's giving you that much headspace. I can guarantee when you hear from him sporadically like that he has sent around a Round Robin text to a number of people and seeing who will bite. If you just delete and ignore you should be able to forget about him pretty quickly, don't give him another moments thought..

professore

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

If it was me, I'd just send a casual message just stating that it was nice to re-connect but is there something going to happen. Don't get all indignant or angry because to be honest he could enjoy your company and the friendship that was there before as you said, it ended on good terms so maybe he's keeping it in the friendship zone. That said, you are perfectly in your right to try and define what this is exactly, so bring it up in a friendly but direct manner. See what he says, if he avoids the question or plays around it, you have your answer and its up to you how to act against it. Best of luck.

That's terrible advice TBH. Move on, stop wasting your life on this loser.

IrishEyes19

professore wrote: »

That's terrible advice TBH. Move on, stop wasting your life on this loser.

I was actually just going on the premise, professore, that this guy may not be thinking beyond the friendship status at all. The OP has only given information regarding his spacey comments, he hasn't initiated any sexual feelings from what the OP has stated, so I think "loser" is a bit harsh as is "terrible advice". But take my advice or leave it. If it was me and I had feelings, Id find out what I wanted to know and walk if it wasn't what I wanted.

LegacyUser

I'm prone to these situations also OP, or I was but I've no tolerance really anymore...

The thing is, if you don't call them out on it at the start, then you are accepting it as the way you allow yourself to be treated. That's the message you send him.

Next time you hear from him respond with "Here we go again....haha, seriously, what is your game plan"

If he cares about you he will want to show you, if not, who even cares - let it go.

Nothing changes if nothing changes

Glowla

20142014 wrote: »

I'm prone to these situations also OP, or I was but I've no tolerance really anymore...

The thing is, if you don't call them out on it at the start, then you are accepting it as the way you allow yourself to be treated. That's the message you send him.

Next time you hear from him respond with "Here we go again....haha, seriously, what is your game plan"

If he cares about you he will want to show you, if not, who even cares - let it go.

Nothing changes if nothing changes

That's my thinking exactly only I couldn't put it into words! I think I will just let it off this time because time has passed and I'm ok again but next time I will go along those lines

Merkin

Glowla wrote: »

That's my thinking exactly only I couldn't put it into words! I think I will just let it off this time because time has passed and I'm ok again but next time I will go along those lines

You're just not getting it are you? What do you mean 'next time'? This suggests you're actually enjoying the attention. This person is a time waster, don't be complicit by responding to his texts, they mean nothing. Ignore him and break the cycle, you'll find it liberating.

Glowla

Merkin I assure you this is not 'enjoyable'??

Obviously I am not going to sit and wait for next time - I take all your advice on board and it just happened that the previous poster was able to put what I'm thinking into words.

Merkin

So what are you going to do if he texts again then?

Glowla

Well definitely not do what I've been doing before and reply to him.

It will be a case of calling him out on it or else if I'm of a strong mind by then sit back and ignore....my personality is not like that though (not because I am soft) but I find it difficult to be passive - which is may be why I respond just to make an action rather than ignore and I know now that's not the way to go.

macplato

OP, I find it easy to relate to you, the way you articulate and describe yourself, particularly because I once had a similar experience, too. So, I don't know, maybe you will relate to what I'm going to say, too.

You don't know why the guy acts the way he does. You can't know this, because you never asked. You never told him that it bothered you either. Maybe his intentions are malicious, or maybe he is a bit confused about what he wants, or maybe he knows what he wants, but doesn't know how to go about asking for it. He keeps contacting you, because he wants something from you, and I suggest that before you decide to ignore him, at least ask him what he wants, and then based on his response decide what you want to do with it.

I think there is nothing wrong with ignoring people, who keep contacting us, when we don't wish to be contacted by them, but I think it's awfully unkind to ignore someone without telling them that we are going to do this. Being ignored really hurts, especially when we don't know why we are being ignored. There is never any reason to be this harsh to someone you once cared about.

Meauldsegosha

This is a very similar issue to your other threads. It's the same thing over and over a guy contacts you less and less until he stops and you wonder if you should contact them. Why do you have to call them out on their behaviour? You have been given lots of good advice on your previous threads but you keep repeating the same pattern. You need to look at your own behaviour. Have a word with yourself rather then these guys.

Glowla

Good words Macplato - especially from a person who has been there in a similiar situation....while this contact sets me back, I would hate to ignore someone and not tell them why. Ok his approach of whatever he is doing is not ideal but I know him well enough that he does not have an easy time displaying emotion. I am not holding out for a second that he wants to strike things up again but I do think he needs to gather his thoughts or else if it happens again I say something....which I will

Merkin

Glowla wrote: »

but I know him well enough that he does not have an easy time displaying emotion. I am not holding out for a second that he wants to strike things up again but I do think he needs to gather his thoughts or else if it happens again I say something....which I will

That doesn't even make sense....

macplato

Glowla wrote: »

Good words Macplato - especially from a person who has been there in a similiar situation....while this contact sets me back, I would hate to ignore someone and not tell them why. Ok his approach of whatever he is doing is not ideal but I know him well enough that he does not have an easy time displaying emotion. I am not holding out for a second that he wants to strike things up again but I do think he needs to gather his thoughts or else if it happens again I say something....which I will

Not only have I been in the same situation, Gowla, I've learned so much from it, by following my own advice. We are so quick to assume the worst about people these days, and forget that every interaction comes with an opportunity to learn something, and grow - for us and the other person.

Perhaps you tend to attract nasty men, or maybe you just tend to attract clueless men, I don't know which, you are the better judge of this. In my case, it was definitely the later. It turned out, that once I started telling him how his erratic behaviour affected me, and asked him to act differently - this is exactly what he started doing. He cared about me a lot (still does) but was just completely... clueless. Luckily he is a very quick learner, and 2 years on, he doesn't make those kind of mistakes any more. And I'm glad I didn't give up on him, because he is a really valuable friend.