Friend cheating

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have a personal dilemma about a friend who ive known most my life since we were kids. For some time i have known he is cheating on his wife and they have been married about 9 years now.

Different things set this off, firstly i know he has had the snip and there is no requirement for condoms when he has sex yet regularly at same work place in his locker there is a stash or i have seen some in his car and lads being lads we discuss sex lives and so on, there is no need for these at home.

Next thing is he often makes lame excuses for going out, on a number of occasions when ive called to the house his wife ask me how a game we were playing went or did we enjoy a particular night out when we never had such. Now ive just usually said its grand or ok, hes said nothing and neither have i about it on front of wife but we might talk later on own and claims she has dates mixed up.

Last thing is a few times i ask to use his smart phone at work as i dont have one and he is connected with a gaydar and grinder profiles, always though he was straight. But a few days ago i visit his house and he was showing me films and music i wanted from his pc and when he was opening up web browsers there were auto links for same gay dating sites but i pretended i was looking at something else in room by time he had navigated away.

Now im not homophobic, but i feel uncomfortable knowing hes cheating. there is no one else in his house except the 2 of them. Plus the apps on his phone confirms this.

The issue i have is i have always been loyal to my friends however i dont like anyone who cheats on their significant other, ive had it happen to me and i had issues over it. I dont get on too well with his wife, we kinda just tolerate each other.

1 part of me thinks to stay quiet and say nothing its not my business, most would think this.

Second part thinks do i have a right to confront him about this or reveal to his wife. I know we dont see eye to eye but i dont think its fair this is happening to her and especially the fact he is cheating on her with guys.

And before anyone says it no they not into 3somes, his wife has very exact feelings on sex from myself and friends talks.

Any advice on how i should go about this appreciated, morally confused.

Tokyo

Personally I'm of the opinion that if you are getting roped into covering for him in the form of his wife asking how your night out together was then yes, you have the right to ask him what's going on. To be honest a lot of what you are posting as "proof" of an affair is, in my eyes at least, conjecture (just because a person has an app on their phone doesn't mean they are gay/cheating/all of the above), so personally I wouldn't involve myself in the marital side of things - that's for him and his wife to sort out between them. The fact that his wife is asking you questions about these supposed nights out would lead me to believe that she already has her own suspicions. You'd also be surprised how easily the tables can be turned on you if you, in good faith, share your suspicions with his wife - quite easily you can become the person that ruined a marriage in peoples eyes.

I would however, take him aside and let him know that his wife has been asking questions about supposed nights out together that you never partook in, and while you don't want to get involved in whatever he's doing, you're not willing to be used as his alibi in the future and won't be covering for him again if his wife asks. And let him deal with it himself from there.

meeeeh

You don't know if he is cheating. You think he is. You are his friend not his wife's. Talk to him if you want to and tell him you won't cover for his lies but I don't know what you hope to achieve talking about your suspicious to a woman that doesn't even like you? Would she even believe you? You don't know if she would prefer to know or not to know. Or maybe she knows it but wants to keep it secret. In any case I would stay well out of it. But there is also no onus on you to cover for his lies. Maybe if you answer truthfully about your activities next time she will find out things by herself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for responses,

Appreciate the viewpoints, i understand i have nothing solid but what i have said but certain things dont add up.

Yes i can admit im angry at being used as scapegoat however i dont want to hurt my friend but at same time i cant condone what he may be doing. I thought of maybe distancing myself a bit from him to see what happens, maybe nature will take its course ?

R.D. aka MR.D

Have you considered the fact that the wife might be okay with this.

Some couples especially ones who are married that have one or more bisexual member allow each other to have relationships (usually only sexual in nature) with other people in order to satisfy their needs. If done in a mature and responsible way it can enhance the primary relationship.

You say that you have strong suspicions that she doesn't know because of the confusion about nights out so if you want you could say it to him.

If it were me, i'd just leave it.

Your friend might be bisexual and not want the world to know it but maybe it is something that he shares with his wife and at the end of the day it's none of your business.

Rubberchikken

if you're being used to explain his absence from the home then ask him what's going on.

otherwise, i'd say stay out of it. i understand your feelings about cheating as you've been on the receiving end, but saying anything to his wife or even hinting etc is just not on.
it is a crap thing for someone to do to another but that's life really. sorry to be of no help.

kylith

If you have no proof that he is cheating there'd be no point in telling his wife. However if I were you I would tell him that I won't be lying for him any longer if his wife asks about nights out that never happened.

Flippyfloppy

Rubberchikken wrote: »

if you're being used to explain his absence from the home then ask him what's going on.

otherwise, i'd say stay out of it. i understand your feelings about cheating as you've been on the receiving end, but saying anything to his wife or even hinting etc is just not on.
it is a crap thing for someone to do to another but that's life really. sorry to be of no help.

If you have been on the receiving end of cheating you may feel you would have liked anyone who knew to be upfront with you the moment they found out.

In this case I wouldn't say anything. You have no idea what goes on between a mature married couple.

1. She could already know and be 'ok' with it

2. He might NOT be having an affair at all

3. They might be into 3somes, not matter what they say on the surface

4. Even if none of the above is true you'd be surprised how the bearer of bad news can be the bad guy.


You'll be going behind your own friends back if you do this. Definitely check out with him first why his wife is asking you about nights out.

ManOfMystery

There's too many uncertainties here for you to decide what to do.

You don't know for sure he's cheating.
IF he is . . . . . you don't know for sure that it's with men.
IF he is . . . . . you don't know for sure that his wife isn't in on it already, it could be an open relationship thing.
And so on.

However, I appreciate that regardless of all this, the signs do seem to indicate he's up to something and whether you like it or not, that places you in awkward position. And I can appreciate that you're being pulled one way (loyalty to your friend) and also another way (standing by your moral convictions).

If I was you, here's what I would do. The next time your friend's wife asks how your game of pool/football/tennis/<insert any other pastime here> went ............... you look at her and say "What game?". All you're doing is telling the truth, and you're not accusing your friend of anything. The ball will then be in the wife's court as to whether she wants to pursue why her husband lied about where he was. She may even ask you about other occasions he claimed to be with you. You may not have to get your hands dirty at all.

Your friend can hardly hold you accountable here when he never asked you to formally cover for him in the first place.

December2012

The thing is - if you ask him - and he is cheating - then you're really in a bind!

Then you have to decide if you tell your friends wife, or lose your friend.

I think the "what game?" approach is best.

Pawwed Rig

I had a friend like that when I was younger. Constantly incorporating me into his lies to his girlfriend to the extent that you would be afraid to talk to her for fear of tipping her off. Once he even told her that he had to stay in my house for a few days as I was suffering from severe depression (which I wasn't) while he was actually on holidays with his 'latest bit on the side'. Just be clear with him that you will not cover for him or lie for him. Other than that unless you are friends with the girl I wouldn't be outing him.

Toots

Unless you have absolute concrete proof that he's cheating I wouldn't accuse him of it (and by proof I mean you pretty much catch him doing the no pants dance with someone other than his wife).

Re the 'evidence' that you do have, nothing proves that he's cheating on his wife - thinking about it, probably - but you've no proof that he actually did the deed.

Dating sites etc - it sounds like he's having doubts about his sexuality (or else he's always been bisexual and you just never knew) and be accessing these but not actually meeting anyone from them.
Nights out - could he be going to a gay bar or something? Again, not proof that he's actually cheating, he could just be going and trying to work up the courage to get talking to someone.
Condoms in the locker - again, no proof that they've been used. Although their presence would suggest to me that he's thinking about hooking up with someone but again, may not have had the courage to approach someone.

None of this is insurmountable proof that he's physically cheated. Emotionally cheating is a whole different ball game, and it's a massive grey area because different people have different definitions of what constitutes 'emotional cheating'.

Do not, under any circumstances, approach the wife. Odds are on she won't thank you for it, and you'll be the one blamed for the marriage falling apart. You'd be surprised how much you hear about someone who's "aware" that their spouse is doing the dirt on them, but find it easier to turn a blind eye rather than acknowledge it. If you go and tell her he's having an affair it will force her to confront the issue, which might not be what she wants. The point I'm making is unless you're 100% sure then don't even think about sticking your neck on the line like that.

I agree with December2012, ask your friend what's going on from the point of view that you're starting to wonder why the wife is asking so many questions.

LegacyUser

At this stage I would go out with him for a drink some night soon. I would say to him that (his wife) asked me about somewhere we both went to and this is not the first time it happened. See how he reacts to this. If he brushes this off I would tell him what you have noticed and ask him what is he up to?
If you don't want to know what he is doing I would tell him that next time his wife ask you about the football match/night out ect you will say to her what match ect?

You don't want him to be using you as an excuse to cover up what every he is up to.

My feeling is that his wife knows there is something going on and that is why she is asking you questions. In your case you need to remember what is going on in there marriage is between him and her. It you tell her what you suspect she may not be happy on hearing this and it will be your fault that her marriage ended.

In regards to marriage I know some woman who will put up with any type of treatment from there husbands to keep up the happy marriage/happy home image. Also they may be aware of different things that are going on but won't say anything in case it upsets the lives they currently have.

Mr. Incognito

I dont care what issues anyone has.

Stay out of someones marriage. Period.

retro:electro

Op you never know his wife could have also seen what you saw on his computer and may have thought about the husbands excuses of you and him having nights out together etc and put two and two together and came up with ten. Given the fact that he so readily uses meeting you as an excuse to do god knows what she may very well suspect something is in fact going on with the two of you.
I myself wouldn't want to be used as a scapegoat for someone's potential affair so as far as you are concerned I would definitely quiz him on that.

stargazer 68

Op I am inclined to agree with others re not approaching his wife. I would however have it out with him about the times he is supposed to be with you though. Not only for the fact that he is using you and hadn't even the decency to ask you first but also what about the next time - what if something happens to him and he is supposed to be with you and he isn't?

ManOfMystery

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I dont care what issues anyone has.

Stay out of someones marriage. Period.

By the sounds of it, the OP would like to. But it's not an easy option given that his 'friend' has already involved him (involuntarily) by using the OP to excuse his whereabouts when questioned by his wife.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't tell the wife anything, you're not close enough to her to be the one that tells her anything. But I would absolutely tell him to stop using you as his cover for whatever it is he IS doing.

He may or may not be having an affair. His wife may or may not find out. If she does find out, you can guarantee you will suffer a backlash for being "in on it" and covering for him by lying to her. She won't believe you didn't know anything...

SPM1959

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Have you considered the fact that the wife might be okay with this.

Some couples especially ones who are married that have one or more bisexual member allow each other to have relationships (usually only sexual in nature) with other people in order to satisfy their needs. If done in a mature and responsible way it can enhance the primary relationship.

.

Far more common than one may think.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Op here again, i accept what ive seen and what ive been dragged into is not concrete proof and yea i suppose i need to seperate what my moral compass says against what may or may not be known or happening.

I talked to my friend and said the wife was asking about these meetings for drink and such we were supposed to have and the response was that he was cheating on her. Didnt mention whom with he did the deed with not that matters i suppose.

We been friends along time nearly all our lives and i told him i dont wanna be part of any covers up and explain my feelings about the cheating from a personal view.

I guess you cant win them all cos he still expect i will cover for him cos ive decided to distance myself from him as i dont wanna be drawn into anything upon reflection of everything thats happened. nor do i want to the the sacrificial blame guy for them breaking p if i were to say.

So sucky to be so close to loosing a near friend cos he cant keep his dick in his pants. I could understand if he just told her it wasnt goin to work and break up least the honesty would be less hurtful.

CaraMay

Has he said he won't split with her? What a nasty individual