Should I leave my wife of 18 years (we’ve been together for 21 years)?

tireddad2014

Have been with my wife since July 1993. Had the most beautiful and fantastic relationship with her for 7 years – both thinking and working together to better ourselves and our situation. Got married in 1996 and had our first child (a girl) in 1998 – so, so happy. Was working really hard for both of us. Had our second child (a boy) in 2000. Really felt like we had the perfect family – both really happy. 3 months after our son was born I was contacted by someone I knew who was looking for a manager for their company in Dublin. Didn’t tell my wife as I didn’t think anything would come of it. Went for interview and was offered a fantastic job. Was stunned. I thought getting that job offer was the best thing I had ever done in the world. I had left Ireland in early 80’s and didn’t think I would ever get the opportunity to get back. Then this happens. I told my wife about the job offer and she hit the roof – was really upset that I hadn’t told her about it and no way did she want to move to Ireland – I later realised she didn’t want to leave her mum n friends. To me, being able to give our children a better place to grow up than Birmingham was worth millions. My wife didn’t see it like that. She was more upset that I had gone for a job interview without telling her.

Whilst I was shocked that I couldn’t take the job offer initially, I had a really busy job at the time it was relatively easy to push it to the back of my mind n get on with things. About a year later I set up my own company and for the first few years things went really well, but our personal relationship was destroyed. I pulled back – a reaction to not being supported (my dad had changed jobs 3-4 times when I was growing up, we moved house 5 times before I was 15 and my mother always supported him). Because I became less intimate with her she was angry with me and constantly wanted to get divorced. I believed that it was best for the children to grow up with their mum and dad together and worked really hard to persuade her not to go down the divorce route. I even agreed to go to Relate counselling which we did every week for 1 year. I was stripped bare – they peeled me like an onion ever week and whilst I was emotionally drained every time I loved being “close” to my wife for an hour each week. After about a year we both agreed that nothing was really changing and to stop the counselling. About 6 months after that I became really depressed. My work was really quiet and as I work for myself alone I had too much time to think about things. I then decided to go to my GP to see if he could help with our lack of sex/intimacy. He suggested I go to a different counsellor and as soon as she heard my symptoms she suggested we bring my wife in, which we did. After 6 months of weekly sessions this also ended as nothing was changing. That was about 4 years ago.

I’ve now lived with this for over 14 years. I feel the only way to “move on” is to leave my wife. I feel she is the reason I am depressed. I can’t see any other was of improving things – we’ve tried counselling twice – nothing has changed. I can’t forgive her for not letting me take that job. I know I can’t change what’s happened in the past but I’m stuck in a rut and I want to move forward and out of depression. The only way I can genuinely see me improving the situation is if we get divorced.

Thank you for reading this.

Sinall

Hi OP, really sorry that you're feeling so down. It sounds like you're having a really tough time emotionally and I empathise.

Have you told your wife and the various counsellors that you haven't been able to forgive her for standing in the way of that job? Or have you been focusing on the other issues, such as the lack of intimacy/you being distant etc. If you haven't already, then maybe being blunt or clear about what's really bothering you would help.

Do you think that your life would have been somehow better/dramatically different if you had taken the job? Or is your issue that your wife didn't support you on it? I'm sure you know that she is every bit as entitled to her opinions and feelings as you are - especially when it's about where you, as a family, live.

So, you're still angry/hurt with her about the job and she's angry/hurt that you withdrew from her and your relationship. Both of your feelings are valid and real. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but your post reads like you think your feelings are more important than hers.

Have you withdrawn from family life altogether and what's the situation like with your children?

You also say that you 'agreed' to go for counselling - that sounds like your wife was the one who suggested it and that she wanted to work on the relationship.

Sometimes people (partners, friends, colleagues) don't agree with what we want and think is best. And it can be hard to deal with. It's a very long time to be holding a grudge over that job though and it sounds like you wanted to stay together to preserve the family life, despite having already checked out of it in many ways.

If you genuinely think that you can't move past this and have a fulfilling relationship with your wife then I'd say the best thing to do is separate. I also think that counselling by yourself might help to get to the bottom of moving past things and you could probably do with that support.

strandroad

I think that in your head you made "the job you were denied" the root of all evil in your relationship. But from another perspective, it was not about a "job" at all, but about moving your family to a different country. It's a huge decision and most families would have hard time deciding whether it's worth it or not. Your reaction was to punish your wife by withdrawing intimacy (and, reading between the lines, affection) and to stoke the resentment for not agreeing with your disruptive idea for all these years. I don't think your counselling can work unless you work these issues out from the beginning, with yourself.

rainbowtrout

I think there's a few things you need to consider if you haven't done so already through counselling.

You went for the job interview without telling your wife and feel she didn't support your proposal to move to Ireland. From her point of view you completely railroaded her in the decision making process. You went for the interview and decided to move the family to Ireland, without any discussion on how she might feel about such a move. She wasn't given a choice in the matter. It was only when you got the job that she got an input and you found that she didn't want what you wanted.

You compare her lack of support for the move to your own parents. You can't do that. She is your wife and it is not the same situation. Your mother supported your father's decision, it doesn't automatically mean that your wife has to support your's without question. Also your parents grew up in a different generation to you and your wife. You can confirm or deny this but a woman married in the 60s and 70s largely gave up her job on marriage/after having children and the man was the breadwinner. If your father was the breadwinner in your household during your childhood, your mother may have had to support that decision through lack of choice, although she may not have necessarily resented the moving about.

In the current context, you can't compare that with your wife's refusal to move to Ireland. Presumably your wife is British if her mother and friends were in Birmingham. You were also saying her home was not as good as yours for bringing up children.


You've said yourself that you can't forgive her from not letting you take the job. There has been a major knock on effect from that on your marriage. Ask yourself why you can't forgive her. Ask yourself why you saw the move to Ireland/new job as the only way forward and because that didn't happen that your marriage fell apart. There has to be some compromise in marriage. You didn't give your wife a choice, you expected her to move to Ireland and she didn't agree, which you didn't expect, so things started to go downhill. She didn't prevent you taking the job, she didn't want to uproot herself and her family from surroundings familiar to her to move to Ireland, based on a decision you presented to her. Is it the job opportunity or the move to Ireland you are more begrudging of and do you want to try and get your marriage back on track in the knowledge that your family life will remain in the UK?

Claire3

I can sort of see this a bit from both sides. I'm resentful of my other half playing a pivotal role in my giving up a great opportunity due to family ties, he's the man who expects the dutiful woman. . .
I can't begin to understand how the trauma of the last 14 years has affected you. What I would say is that no matter how awesome that job was, the way you have created the imaginary journey of how all that would have played out is probably not how it would have played out in reality, any number of scenarios could have occured especially with the recession. Ireland may not have been this dream machine that you've built up in your mind.
I know how painful it can be to have something awesome and then see your other half as the person who took it away from you. What can be really hard to remember is that before the 'dream job' they were the person you loved and had two amazing kids with. For everything you've been through pushing them away for the loss of a prospect that for all you know could have turned out worse in the long run was probably not worth it.
My best advice would be stop letting this imaginary life that didn't happen steal happiness from your actual life you are living in real time now. I know that is really really hard to do.

Your wife is not responsible for your depression, if you had really wanted the job you could have taken it and gone long distance, everyone - no matter how much you don't like it is entitled to have an opinion as to where they want to live. Having faced that same situation and been the one to compromise I know living with that is very difficult, you start thinking how can they love me and make me give it up? Any time they do something to annoy you there is the giant annoyance of them letting you down lurking like the titanic in amongst the minor grievance. The best thing anyone can do is try to let it go and move on, having your wife and children out of your life would have been even more of a disaster. Try and love your life for what it is, where it is, and try and engage with it rather than imagining the land where the grass is greener all the time - the obsession over it and letting the disappointment consume you and your marriage seems to look like the real cause of your depression.

You say when you went to the relate counselling you 'loved' being close to your wife. No matter what happened you still loved her which is probably why you stayed regardless and didn't divorce then. You seem to have been grieving for the loss of the job and also the loss of the close relationship with your wife when she was pushed away.

Take responsibility for your mental health and don't let it destroy your life, get more therapy to help you move on from the past. Only you can decide whether to divorce or keep trying. The dynamic is probably changing as the kids are almost out of the house as well which is another challenge. Do whatever you need to do to get better and deal with your issues. You could also consider a trial separation? Or if possible take out some time in Ireland yourself to mull over things and get some clarity on what it is you're yearning for so much. Wishing you the very best, be good to yourself.

tcif

tireddad2014 wrote: »

I can’t forgive her for not letting me take that job.

Have you really no idea of how out of touch with reality you are on this? Without any consultation of her wishes or feelings you thought you could make a unilateral decision with huge consequences for her personally, and for your family as a whole, and simply expect her to effectively do what she was told and pack up. When she wouldn't, you saw her possession of a strongly held opinion of her own, which she was perfectly entitled to, as a complete betrayal and you've spent the last 14 years resenting her for it.

This, and your subsequent emotional withdrawal, seems to have been what undermined your previously great relationship. That you still think of this as something that needs forgiving is both sad and worrying as you still haven't understood you were wrong in thinking you were entitled to make a huge, life altering decision for both of you and just expect that it was her wifely duty to "support" you by acceding to your wishes.

If you still want to save your relationship I think you need to start with owning your responsibility for what sent it off course in the first place and respect your wife's entitlement to share the decision making process that shapes both your lives and stop blaming her. Maybe then you can get past this and see if you have enough left to salvage.

miamee

Just to add to what others have said - OP you say your wife did not 'let you' take that job. But she didn't stop you from taking it or leaving, she just said she wasn't going with you. You could have left her then instead of now for your exciting new job but you decided family was more important. Even if you didn't think those exact thoughts, that is the only thing that stopped you taking your "dream" job, right? Otherwise you'd have been gone and be living the life of Reilly. What has changed?

I think that expecting anything other than surprise and disappointment when you told your wife about your job offer was very naive. She had a two year old and a newborn, was presumably still on maternity leave and you wanted her to up sticks and move to a country where she had no family, no friends, no child minder and no job. And you didn't even discuss the possibility with her first. That was quite a selfish thing to do and to still not 'get' that or see it from her point of view after so much time and sessions of counselling is very worrying.

CaraMay

You were very sneaky and underhand about the job yet you blame her??? You are also very typical of a lot of middle aged men who blame the world anditsmother for them not succeeding in life (their own view).

Op you win some and you lose some. If you had been honest with your wife then this would not have happened.

ManOfMystery

OP you mentioned a few times how happy you were after your children were born and you were all a strong family unit. There was no job in Ireland then - just you, your wife, and the kids. They are your source of happiness, and still can be.

I think you've spent far too long thinking about 'what could have been'. The Irish job may have been fantastic, but it could equally have been rubbish. Many people have gone into jobs with aspirations only to find out they weren't what they thought they would be. You seem to have marked this out mentally as the catalyst for everything going downhill, but in reality you're hanging on to dreams of a life which was never there in the first place - just one you built up in your head within 5 mins of getting that job offer.

The sad thing is, you were happy. You had a good life. It's like a relatively happy person finding out they had a winning lottery ticket after they tore it up - should they spend the rest of their days in misery pining for the millionaire's lifestyle which they almost had? Or should they just accept that nothing really changed and enjoy they happiness they had in their life anyway?

Don't be that guy who tells everyone he could have been a contender. You are responsible for your own life and your own decisions - accept that. You decided to marry your wife and have children, and in doing so you accepted that any decisions affecting them would have to involve them. It was you who then decided on these drastic changes to your lives without even consulting your wife until you had it all mapped out in your head anyway. I'm sure your wife has her negative traits, but you have to accept that YOU played a huge part in all this and you can't just pin all the blame on her.

nc19

CaraMay wrote: »

You were very sneaky and underhand about the job yet you blame her??? You are also very typical of a lot of middle aged men who blame the world anditsmother for them not succeeding in life (their own view).

Op you win some and you lose some. If you had been honest with your wife then [/B] this would not have happened

how do you know?


also, you come across as an angry feminist

CaraMay

Lol

It wouldn't have happened as his wife would have set him straight before he fen applied and the issue would have been headed off at the pass. Simples

nc19

CaraMay wrote: »

Lol

It wouldn't have happened as his wife would have set him straight before he fen applied and the issue would have been headed off at the pass. Simples

But something else may have happened to cause this rift. So saying everything would be rosey if he had of been honest is impossible to know

Tokyo

CaraMay, nc19, the namecalling and generalisations end here. You're both here long enough to know that it's against the forum charter, and considering you both have been called out on doing this in the past, I should be carding you by rights. Please stick to on-topic responses that are constructive towards the OP's issue.

Regards,
Mike

Emme

tireddad2014 wrote: »

I’ve now lived with this for over 14 years. I feel the only way to “move on” is to leave my wife. I feel she is the reason I am depressed. I can’t see any other was of improving things – we’ve tried counselling twice – nothing has changed. I can’t forgive her for not letting me take that job. I know I can’t change what’s happened in the past but I’m stuck in a rut and I want to move forward and out of depression. The only way I can genuinely see me improving the situation is if we get divorced.

Thank you for reading this.

What does your wife think? Perhaps she feels the same way and would also like a divorce.

Divorce is harrowing all round and it puts everyone concerned through the wringer. This certainly would not help your depression. Are you getting medical help for your depression?

In Ireland many couples are apart during the week because one partner has a job overseas. They commute home by plane at weekends. It's not an ideal situation but it shows that couples who communicate and want to stay together can do so even if one partner works abroad during the week.

Mr. Incognito

I think that you need to let go. If you had come home who knows what would have happened.

People live in the past or the future. You need to start living in the present.

I think you might need some councelling for your resentment and childhood issues.

Look into councelling for you, not just couples.

diveout

They say forgiveness is giving up on the hope of a better past.

A divorce is not going to bring back your dream and it's not going to fix what happened.

It sounds like you have a lot of good there, but you need help reframing it all.

Sorry about the lost opportunity. You really need to find a way to forgive her, and stop punishing her and yourself. Life is short and you are wasting valuable time.