Stuck in a serious rut

Peas in a Pod

Hey, just looking for some advice on how to crawl myself out of a rut I'm in.

I'm recently finished college, got my results a few days ago. My degree is absolutely useless (Poor soul who thought an Arts degree would be amazing!), and the TEFL course I have seems to not be helping me at all either. About two weeks ago, I went through a bad break up. I'm living in the same city as him, and for over 2 years during this relationship I found myself isolated from friends as I relied on him far too much. He decided to walk out and I'm now left alone and very stressed. The relationship was very one sided and quite emotionally abusive.

Now I'm at a stage where I now have no boyfriend, no friends (I tried making contact with old friends but nobody is around for the Summer and I stupidly stayed down for the Summer to be with my ex. I also had very few friends down here in the first place) and I'm feeling very lost. I do have a job down here, so that is the only thing I am doing other than trying to find something else to occupy me. I'm finished college, so cannot use that as a social outlet, I've tried getting in contact with volunteer organisations but none of them have responded to my emails or they do not want me as they are full up. I just do not know how to get myself back into a social scene. I've even tried to find classes online to do over the Summer, but they all cost an arm and a leg to do. The place I work, useless for socializing as there is nobody my age that works there.

I have no interest in sport, I cannot go home either as I'm fairly estranged from my family and lost all my friends at home. I really am just feeling very lost, and angry and it's driving me insane. I'm trying to get a job abroad also, but that seems to be falling flat too. I'm literally feeling so lost, alone and upset here, because I hate waking up knowing I won't even leave my room today. To add to the misery, I have slight social anxiety. I feel miserable and I can't figure out a fix. All I want is to get out of this rut and to make new friends and a new life for myself, but I've always been fairly useless at making friends anyway.

Any advice appreciated
Thanks

Lou.m

I'm fairly estranged from my family and lost all my friends at home.I have slight social anxiety. I feel miserable and I can't figure out a fix.

It sounds to me like you are part of the problem....you estrange yourself from people ...friends family why don't you hold on to connections?

I've tried getting in contact with volunteer organisations but none of them have responded to my emails or they do not want me as they are full up.

Contact the DSPCA they are NEVER full up. I know this for a fact. Try also the Simon community I have never known them to say no to a volunteer although it has been a while since I worked with them.

You have a very negative attitude and it is going to repell company and it seems to me you have VERY negative internal dialogue going on.

And why do you stay in your home all day? You can go out alone too you know.

Can you see a professional I think you might need to. Is it possible you are suffering from depression?

You say you have no interest in sport etc....well I think you need a hobby.

Be kinder to yourself and try to think more positively about you.

Peas in a Pod

Lou.m wrote: »

It sounds to me like you are part of the problem....you estrange yourself from people ...friends family why don't you hold on to connections?


Contact the DSPCA they are NEVER full up. I know this for a fact. Try also the Simon community I have never known them to say no to a volunteer although it has been a while since I worked with them.

You have a very negative attitude and it is going to repell company and it seems to me you have VERY negative internal dialogue going on.

And why do you stay in your home all day? You can go out alone too you know.

Can you see a professional I think you might need to. Is it possible you are suffering from depression?

You say you have no interest in sport etc....well I think you need a hobby.

Be kinder to yourself and try to think more positively about you.

I don't get on with my family, it's not through my own fault. I have a very explosive relationship with my family. My parents and I have huge clashes and always have. I just can't hold onto friendships, I've never been able to. I get on well with people, but I just never seemed to fit into cliques and I've always been bullied growing up.

I'm not in Dublin, I'm down South. I got in contact with Simon, they told me they won't be taking people in until July at an open evening. Same with the Samaritans. I've also emailed dog shelters and none of them rang me back or emailed me back.

I've never been a person to be alone. I don't know how to be alone, I've always had relationships or friends, then since I came to college things began to crumble. I had relationships all through college and never made any effort to try make close friends, and any time I did try, I was never accepted because I didn't have the typical beliefs that college students have. I found relationships and this one just managed to happen at the same time I had a massive falling out with people because they messed up. I then began to isolate, and never intentionally. It's just how I deal with things.

In person I'm not negative, and I know that for a fact. Once I start to engage, I'm not negative. Infact, people tell me I never stop talking, which is a good thing and they enjoy it. Of course I have negative internal dialogue going on, I'm going through a massive transition period in my life and I don't know what to do. I also just recently got dumped after a 2 year abusive relationship.

If I knew what I could do alone and not feel self conscious about, I'd do it. Problem is, I've nothing to do. I'm also not depressed, I've been treated for depression before and I know I do not have it. I get checked up regularly.

I dont have any interest in sport, and I'm trying to find a hobby. Just many hobbies involve sport and exercise and none of those appeal to me.

You may think I'm being negative, but the reality is, I'm negative because I'm in a rut and have no idea how to get out of it. If I saw a way out, I'd be less negative. On the job front, everything is done online. It's through my CV.

Merkin

If you've got your degree and TEFL why not just start afresh and move abroad to teach English? Sounds like just the right thing for you.

Peas in a Pod

Merkin wrote: »

If you've got your degree and TEFL why not just start afresh and move abroad to teach English? Sounds like just the right thing for you.

Trying to do that but the problem is I dont have the cash saved up and I'm not on great money in my job. I'm trying to find one with accommodation included but those positions want teaching experience. I've been looking online but I need the experience. Getting teaching experience is almost impossible and the companies I did try that do not want experience have no responded to my application because I've only just finished my degree and I do not have my parchment. If anybody has any suggestions of companies that will take untrained TEFL teachers then I'd be delighted to hear about them.

Lou.m

Peas in a Pod wrote: »

Trying to do that but the problem is I dont have the cash saved up and I'm not on great money in my job. I'm trying to find one with accommodation included but those positions want teaching experience. I've been looking online but I need the experience. Getting teaching experience is almost impossible and the companies I did try that do not want experience have no responded to my application because I've only just finished my degree and I do not have my parchment. If anybody has any suggestions of companies that will take untrained TEFL teachers then I'd be delighted to hear about them.

Which company did you train TEFL with? Did you do the full time course?

Most GIVE experience for a few months.

Peas in a Pod

Lou.m wrote: »

Which company did you train TEFL with? Did you do the full time course?

Most GIVE experience for a few months.

I did an online one. TEFL247 140 hours plus IELTS 20 hours

Merkin

Peas in a Pod wrote: »

I did an online one. TEFL247 140 hours plus IELTS 20 hours

I'd approach some of your local language colleges and offer to take some classes in your spare time at no cost in order to build up your teaching hours, it wouldn't take long.

R.D. aka MR.D

if you have about 200 euro and some time then look into going to South Korea. They pay for your apartment and your flight over.

There is a big giant thread about it in the Edu section on boards under teaching abroad. Also, do a google search, there is tons of information.

It's not easy (from an emotional viewpoint) but if your ready for a big change then you could give that a go.

I was there for a year and a half and made some great friends and tons of money!

Lou.m

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

if you have about 200 euro and some time then look into going to South Korea. They pay for your apartment and your flight over.

There is a big giant thread about it in the Edu section on boards under teaching abroad. Also, do a google search there is tons of information.

It's not easy (from an emotional viewpoint) but if your ready for a big change then you could give that ago.

I was there for a year and a half and made some great friends and tons of money!

This is more similar to what some mates experienced. OP an online course is not what they wat you need to do one in one of the schools preferably fulltime and you can even teach here especially in summer. But the chance to travel is great! Most schools give experience at the end of the course ( i have been looking into it myself).

Nichololas

Peas in a Pod wrote: »

I had relationships all through college and never made any effort to try make close friends, and any time I did try, I was never accepted because I didn't have the typical beliefs that college students have.

OK, well, firstly I don't know what you think the typical beliefs that college students are supposed to have are (and they tend to run the full gamut), but this coupled with the following;

Peas in a Pod wrote: »

In person I'm not negative, and I know that for a fact. Once I start to engage, I'm not negative. Infact, people tell me I never stop talking, which is a good thing and they enjoy it.

makes it sound like you didn't make an effort to get to actually know people and instead just talked over them .. You might not think you're being negative but no one ever really knows what others may think of them.

Peas in a Pod wrote: »

I found relationships and this one just managed to happen at the same time I had a massive falling out with people because they messed up. I then began to isolate, and never intentionally. It's just how I deal with things.

Oh, and when you had a falling out with people it was all their fault too.

Peas in a Pod wrote: »

I don't get on with my family, it's not through my own fault. I have a very explosive relationship with my family. My parents and I have huge clashes and always have.

No common denominator here at all ..

I think you should use this time as a period of self reflection .. Not everyone gets on with their family, but if you're also falling out with friends regularly (even when it's their fault, to boot) maybe you should sit down and have a think about why this is happening, because there's a pattern here and blaming others isn't a fix.

Peas in a Pod wrote:

I've never been a person to be alone. I don't know how to be alone, I've
always had relationships or friends[\QUOTE]

It comes more naturally to some, but learning how to be alone with yourself is a great skill to have. Without it, you'll always be reliant on other people for your happiness - which would be less of a problem but by your own admission you can't hold onto friendships.

Peas in a Pod wrote: »

If I knew what I could do alone and not feel self conscious about, I'd do it. Problem is, I've nothing to do.
..
I dont have any interest in sport, and I'm trying to find a hobby. Just many hobbies involve sport and exercise and none of those appeal to me.

Read a book, preferably more than one! Buy a guitar and learn to play from youtube videos! Sketch! Paint! Learn about electronics. Make little lego videos. There are literally a kajillion hobbies and things to do that not only do not not require any physical activity whatsoever but are basically free, and you can do alone in your room where there's nothing to feel self-conscious about (or in a park, or a library, or wherever).

I really don't mean for any of this to come across as critical, but from your post you do seem to have a very negative outlook, and it doesn't have to be 'oh that's just how I am, everything is someone else's fault'. Like everyone, you would probably benefit from therapy, even just the talking kind, or some CBT to promote a more positive outlook. Break-ups will always suck, but going through a transitional period is not a reason for having a negative internal dialogue.

Good luck!

Peas in a Pod

Merkin wrote: »

I'd approach some of your local language colleges and offer to take some classes in your spare time at no cost in order to build up your teaching hours, it wouldn't take long.

Now that I did not think of. I know there are a lot of English language students over for the summer at the moment so I'll send a few of them off an email and see what they say!

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

if you have about 200 euro and some time then look into going to South Korea. They pay for your apartment and your flight over.

There is a big giant thread about it in the Edu section on boards under teaching abroad. Also, do a google search, there is tons of information.

It's not easy (from an emotional viewpoint) but if your ready for a big change then you could give that a go.

I was there for a year and a half and made some great friends and tons of money!

Any chance I can get that information off you? I'd be well up for that! I looked at the Edu section, I applied for SABIS and missed the deadline for Meddeas. I'm ready for change, I'd rather not stick here for another 12 months and then go do my Masters.

Nichololas wrote: »

OK, well, firstly I don't know what you think the typical beliefs that college students are supposed to have are (and they tend to run the full gamut), but this coupled with the following;



makes it sound like you didn't make an effort to get to actually know people and instead just talked over them .. You might not think you're being negative but no one ever really knows what others may think of them.



Oh, and when you had a falling out with people it was all their fault too.



No common denominator here at all ..

I think you should use this time as a period of self reflection .. Not everyone gets on with their family, but if you're also falling out with friends regularly (even when it's their fault, to boot) maybe you should sit down and have a think about why this is happening, because there's a pattern here and blaming others isn't a fix.[\QUOTE]

Peas in a Pod wrote:

I've never been a person to be alone. I don't know how to be alone, I've
always had relationships or friends[\QUOTE]

It comes more naturally to some, but learning how to be alone with yourself is a great skill to have. Without it, you'll always be reliant on other people for your happiness - which would be less of a problem but by your own admission you can't hold onto friendships.



Read a book, preferably more than one! Buy a guitar and learn to play from youtube videos! Sketch! Paint! Learn about electronics. Make little lego videos. There are literally a kajillion hobbies and things to do that not only do not not require any physical activity whatsoever but are basically free, and you can do alone in your room where there's nothing to feel self-conscious about (or in a park, or a library, or wherever).

I really don't mean for any of this to come across as critical, but from your post you do seem to have a very negative outlook, and it doesn't have to be 'oh that's just how I am, everything is someone else's fault'. Like everyone, you would probably benefit from therapy, even just the talking kind, or some CBT to promote a more positive outlook. Break-ups will always suck, but going through a transitional period is not a reason for having a negative internal dialogue.

Good luck!

I fell out with the first group because there was an incident, I caught her out on it and she wasn't happy so she turned the rest of the group on me. I also didn't like them trashing my room. I fell out with the second group because an even worse incident happened and that put me back in therapy. I've never had good luck with friends growing up, if I did I would have held onto them.

I'm not a mad alcoholic, not mad into clubbing or going out either.

I never speak over people, infact most people speak over me. I'm not one of these loud people that talks over everybody, I'm not a self centered negative person. A conversation is made up of two people, I know that. If I ever do do that, I get very self conscious and try to stop it.

It's just the boredom that drives me insane. But I'm going to take your advice with the videos and stuff and get back cooking and reading! I just want to meet new people and find somewhere I fit in.

I did go to therapy, did CBT and I don't actually need it. Well, when you've hit a crossroads in your life and you don't know how to deal with it, of course negativity is going to come. Finished with a half pointless degree and getting a proper job here is almost impossible.

Thanks though

R.D. aka MR.D

I'm happy to help but there is a lot of info. I'll try to give you a quick summary.

I just saw that you aren't a big drinker. Something to be aware of is that in Korea, drinking is massive! The locals drink non stop and so do the expats. You can find other activities to do but you mentioned in your other post you don't like exercise and most of the non drinking activities are group exercise. Social lives revolve around drinking mostly.

The first thing that you need to do is get all your documents ready. It would be a good idea to look at the Teaching in South Korea thread and see if you can find anyone who has gone over recently and knows the requirements. Also, you could get in touch with one of the big recruiters like Footprints or Reach to Teach. Personally, i don't like them because they can be a little bit rude because you are Irish and the amount of people who want to go to Korea is huge so they think they can treat you like crap (that was an experience i had with footprints any way. It might have just been the one guy that I was unlucky enough to encounter because other people recommend them).
Google search: Korea recruiters.

Get talking to a few of them and they will help you with the process of getting all the right documents.

The 200euro i mentioned is roughly what it cost to organise all the documents and pay the visa fee.

Once you have all your documents ready you could be over there within 2 or 3 weeks.

I would recommend Seoul because I lived there and there is tons to do.

Seriously, get over to the Teaching in Korea thread and ask for info. People are really helpful, i find. I did the whole process in March 2012 so thats a long time ago now!

Peas in a Pod

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I'm happy to help but there is a lot of info. I'll try to give you a quick summary.

I just saw that you aren't a big drinker. Something to be aware of is that in Korea, drinking is massive! The locals drink non stop and so do the expats. You can find other activities to do but you mentioned in your other post you don't like exercise and most of the non drinking activities are group exercise. Social lives revolve around drinking mostly.

The first thing that you need to do is get all your documents ready. It would be a good idea to look at the Teaching in South Korea thread and see if you can find anyone who has gone over recently and knows the requirements. Also, you could get in touch with one of the big recruiters like Footprints or Reach to Teach. Personally, i don't like them because they can be a little bit rude because you are Irish and the amount of people who want to go to Korea is huge so they think they can treat you like crap (that was an experience i had with footprints any way. It might have just been the one guy that I was unlucky enough to encounter because other people recommend them).
Google search: Korea recruiters.

Get talking to a few of them and they will help you with the process of getting all the right documents.

The 200euro i mentioned is roughly what it cost to organise all the documents and pay the visa fee.

Once you have all your documents ready you could be over there within 2 or 3 weeks.

I would recommend Seoul because I lived there and there is tons to do.

Seriously, get over to the Teaching in Korea thread and ask for info. People are really helpful, i find. I did the whole process in March 2012 so thats a long time ago now!

Do I need my parchment? Because I wont have that until October

rcarroll

First off you really should have a CELTA or face to face course, the online one's are worth nothing really...

Also, I've been teaching in Spain the last few years and they're quite lax on experience/certification. If you can prove you are reasonably chatty and intelligent in the interview a lot of academies will give you a chance to prove yourself. You would need enough money to survive on for a few months though until you build a decent schedule.

As for experience - start doing intercambio's or offer to teach foreign students English for free/small fee - there's lots in the summer, you should be able to build experience.

Volunteer in your local school - I did and that with intercambio's gave me some experience before looking for work.

As for volunteer opportunities, I volunteered in DSPCA and they're always looking for someone. I'd ring rather than email as a lot of volunteer places don't have the resources to monitor email as much.

Try getting out there alone and push yourself to do the things you want, with or without company. As you get older you'll find that people don't go along with your plans as much/have other commitments so it's good to start now and learn to live your life yourself and not needing others to go. Try travelling alone, it's a great eye-opener into how resourceful you can be and great for meeting people.

Also, meetup is a good place to make friends/meet people to do activities.

I know you don't like sport, but try a few different types - I thought I wasn't sporty til I tried climbing and now I'm hooked!!

R.D. aka MR.D

Peas in a Pod wrote: »

Do I need my parchment? Because I wont have that until October

I'm not 100% sure as i wasn't in that situation.

i'm sure there is a way around it if you do some research.

Moving abroad takes a lot of effort especially at the planning stages. Most of the information won't just fall into your lap.

rcarroll

You should be ok without a parchment - most academies just need teachers to start and be reliable. Ask the place you did the course to write a letter on headed paper saying you've completed the course and are waiting on the parchment to be delivered. something like that - it should be ok. Just go and once you're there, you'll figure it all out. That's what I did and it works out - save up enough to get by for 3 months and make sure to keep an emergency fund for flights home in case it doesn't work out. ENJOY!!!

Legs.Eleven

Try getting a job in a Summer camp in Ireland right now.


I didn't need to show any of my certs (which include a CELTA, a degree and an online TEFL cert) here in Spain and they tend to take your word for it. Many academies simply don't care who they hire here. You'd have no problem finding work here.