Concern for brother

LegacyUser

Hello all,

this morning my brother called me and told me he had been sexually abused by a family friend when he was 5 (many years ago, decades). I'm the first person he told (excluding my mother recently, who brushed it off, because that's the kind of person she is). I have been feeling bad all day today, depressed and worried about him. Things are starting to surface for him and I'm worried.

A bit of background. I am 5 years older then my brother (I am female). We lived through a very bad childhood. Father was evasive and elusive until he finally left around the time of the abuse, my mother was an abusive witch who made us pay for him leaving, every day of our lives. She was a great woman for terrorising two defenceless children behind the closed doors, for everyone else she always put on a butter wouldn't melt mask and still does. There were so many times I found myself cowering in corners from her shouting and ranting, she would go completely berserk on a fairly regular basis, something small like misplacing an item would set her off and then literally, I would be begging for mercy from all the yelling and keeping at me and bullying me into submission and grovelling that went on. I remember getting down on my knees in front of her at one point, begging her to stop with it. But no. I could have been 8 or 10, something like that. Brother was there too, but when something like this is happening, you don't tend to focus on what's going on around you, and on if anyone else is ok. She rarely got physical, but it was extreme mental cruelty on her part, even on a good day. Constant put downs, impatience and withering, freezing cold stares she was good at. Years and years of all this.

When I grew up, I got out of the house and out of the country the first opportunity I had. Emigrating was scary and very very lonely. I cried from loneliness a lot. But even at the worst point of this, I knew even that was preferable to going back. I was never going back, no matter what. Her grip was too powerful and too far reaching to be able to, safely.

So I left and he stayed. Stayed living with her (in my country it is nothing out of the ordinary to stay living with parents until marriage or even longer). He was studying but he never successfully completed his studies. He is working. Their relationship became a co-dependent mess, that I was so, so glad to have left behind once I left for good. In the last 10 years or so, she has been telling me he has been drinking more and more, and it has been increasingly obvious that he has an alcohol problem. I'm led to believe he hits her on occasion, when drunk. Not that she's told me that herself, because she's best buddies with denial and brushing things under the carpet at all times, but I have come to my own conclusions since hearing several different stories from several different sources of people close by. This is where I will receive a lot of judgment for my next sentence, but it's fine, I'm ok with people judging me because I'm ok with being me. When I realised he knocks her about, I thought: Karma, mummy. And I felt not much more than that, not any anger toward my brother anyway. I thought I knew why he was doing it. But it turns out that maybe I was wrong.

I don't think I have the strength now to go into the details of the abuse he told me about today. It was someone close to the family, a boy who was a few years older than me and quite a bit older than my brother. The thing is that, when left alone with him (which we regularly were) he touched me too, but somehow or other, I was able to deal with it. I didn't feel it as this big invasion of my body or anything like that. Looking back, I think I was lucky enough to be just old enough to actually fully understand what he was doing, so then I don't think the "touching" has this scary quality to it that it does for someone who doesn't know what the hell is going on (such as a 5 year old). Plus, that was not my biggest problem by any means. And how often can you say that about sexual abuse, ha!

The thing is, I didn't know about my brother. In my head, this guy, this sleazy, creepy, predatory boy, was straight. He would have no interest in my brother. It never occurred to me in a million years, not even today.

Again, I was wrong. It seems he did the same to him that he did to me when left alone.

Anyway. What happened today is my brother told me about it. The second it sank in with me, I started bawling my eyes out. I haven't sobbed like that in a while, it felt good. I realised that the alcoholism and the aggression had a whole extra layer to their motivating factor that I hadn't known about. The reason I cried was because I remember this 5 year old boy, and he was a sweet, good natured little boy, my brother. This little boy stood no chance of having a happy life or being allowed to grow into a happy loving person. No chance at all. I cried about that waste, that damage.

But what happened then, of course, it became clear he blames Her for it, for leaving him in harms way. Which is where our conversation unravelled, because I disagree with that. I blame Her for everything, everything that went on, that she did. But not for this - I think she trusted the wrong people, and that's the extent of it as to her responsibility. I am a mother, and I have been known to leave my child in care of a friend for a couple of hours. Who might have done anything to my child in that time. But you trust a friend, so you never think they will. That is why most child abusers are friends and family, because who else has most access to children? Not strangers.

What I got from his POV is the sense of this huge, huge, completely misdirected anger. The abuser is who he should be that angry with. But he isn't, no, not at all. The fact struck me in that convo. It was all about her. The horror of this guy is so deeply ingrained in him that he just (subconsciously) chose an easier target for his rage, a safer one.

But brother went bananas when I disagreed with him. Which I get. Here I am, having ranted and raved against her and the damage she has done for many many years (where for many years [before he had a drink problem and all that], he was the one listening and trying to steady things), only to seemingly do a complete U-turn at a point most crucial to him.

It was bad. He hung up on me, so I sent a few messages to show I cared and would he please start talking with someone who can help, but he messaged back that he doesn't want anything to do with me any more. It breaks my heart, not because I want him to have anything to do with me any more, that's fine if he so wishes, but because of how alone he must be feeling. I want him to get help and be well. I can't give him that help because I am WAY too close to this, it's like a whole new vista of hell opening before me. I did selfishly think I had managed to put all that behind me, I am in a new, tentatively lovely relationship and have finally started to feel like some happiness is due some time soon. But I should have known better, that kind of past is never truly over, it just sits there complacently, triumphantly, waiting for another go.

I'm just worried about him at the moment. He feels disgusted with me now, the first person he ever told (that counts). I hope he doesn't do anything drastic.

Truth be told, these days I'm even sometimes worried about her. I am very far away from them, I've done as well as I could since, I have been through A LOT of upheaval and counselling since, and I'm still here. I'll be ok. But I'm not so sure about anyone else.

It's late and I don't know about formulating a specific question. I needed to get this out, I'd be glad of any opinions I guess.

Merkin

First and foremost Id just like to say how terribly sad and touching your post is. It sounds like your childhood and your little brothers childhood was filled with unimaginable cruelty and what awful things you had to endure.

GirlsCatchingUp wrote: »

But what happened then, of course, it became clear he blames Her for it, for leaving him in harms way. Which is where our conversation unravelled, because I disagree with that. I blame Her for everything, everything that went on, that she did. But not for this - I think she trusted the wrong people, and that's the extent of it as to her responsibility. I am a mother, and I have been known to leave my child in care of a friend for a couple of hours. Who might have done anything to my child in that time. But you trust a friend, so you never think they will. That is why most child abusers are friends and family, because who else has most access to children? Not strangers.

What I got from his POV is the sense of this huge, huge, completely misdirected anger. The abuser is who he should be that angry with. But he isn't, no, not at all. The fact struck me in that convo. It was all about her. The horror of this guy is so deeply ingrained in him that he just (subconsciously) chose an easier target for his rage, a safer one.

But brother went bananas when I disagreed with him. Which I get. Here I am, having ranted and raved against her and the damage she has done for many many years (where for many years [before he had a drink problem and all that], he was the one listening and trying to steady things), only to seemingly do a complete U-turn at a point most crucial to him.

I'm afraid I don't think you're playing fair. Firstly, anger is good. You refer to it as completely misdirected whereas I don't think that is entirely fair. To a vulnerable and sweet five year old boy (and one who has not gone on to move put of home) home should offer solace and protection from the primary care givers, the sexual abuse is just another more complex aspect of all of that, regardless of who the perpetrator was.

Secondly, your brother has a drink problem. His thought processes are not going to be as refined or honed as someone with clarity of thought. If he is to get sober and have therapy THEN he may be able to work through the process of blaming the monster who did this but right now your mother has been to blame for everything else so why not this?

Again, anger is good. It's a positive step in the grieving process. It certainly doesn't excuse the violence or what have you but the fact he has expressed anger to you over this issue suggests he so starting to address it. So if he wants to rant and rave and blame whoever he chooses then give him that, God knows he deserves it.

I'd phone him back and talk to him. Just talk to him and listen to him and don't try and council him into trying to dictate who he should and should not be angry with. Let him cry and express himself. He must feel let down after having supported you all this time for you to seemingly dismiss what he wants to express.

If at all possible Id then book a flight home to go and see him and support him. Urge him to get sober and to contact One in Four. He sounds desperately lost and he has turned to your for help so if you can find the strength within yourself to help him then please do so.