Am I the problem here?

LegacyUser

Recently my close friend went missing and was found dead. Obviously this was devastating as I was involved in the search as were my other close friends.

I think I've been handling it well, I'm upset, but I'm open about everything to my friends. Thing is, when I'm at home I just want to be left alone and not talk about all the details of the funeral et all. I'd like that if I could have some peace at home were I can just forget about things for a bit.

But when I'm at home I just get badgered and badgered about all the little details. Why are you doing that, who's doing that, what are you doing, etc, etc. I get the concern and wanting some details, but this just feels like nosiness to me and they're such "by the numbers" questions, lacking sometimes in sensitivity.

Earlier today my sister kept at me and I mentioned we were doing a eulogy, to which she grimaced and said why would we be doing that. The she was wondering what we were getting up to today when my friends got together to plan things. You know the usual -card, flowers and all that.
When I got a bit irritated at the barrage of questions she asked why I was so grumpy and moody all of a sudden.. wonder why, my friend only just died! My mom wasn't much better, she confronted me telling me it's not me that'll suffer, it's the family, and why I won't open up and tell them anything. "It's like they're your family, not us". "I know grief" -implying I don't, and so on.
As if this is all supposed to make me more inclined to open up.

To be honest, with big goings on in the past, which would have been hugely stressful for me, my family were never supportive and the more I said would just make things needlessly more stressful -so I limited that. That's fine, I'm happier I can open up to my friends over my family if it means not having to deal with unnecessary stress and arguing. It's not ideal as it'd be nice to have a family I could lean on, but I don't feel comfortable in doing so.

Is it so bad that I want to just be myself for a bit and talk to my friends about how I feel and for my family to just be supportive with me not wanting to talk about things when I want a break from it all? I don't see how I'm being unreasonable here and it's just causing more anguish and drama which I really don't need right now. I'm actually thinking of taking my mate's offer up on staying with him until the funeral is over tbh.

Is this my problem or something? I don't get why I just can't be left alone for a bit and for that to be respected. No matter what I seem to do around them it's going to cause drama, one way or the other.

retro:electro

Maybe the fact that your friend look his own life has had an impact on your mother and sister and they are worried for you. It is predominantly young males who take their own lives due to the typical fact that they usually don't open up and express their feelings as easily as women do. Perhaps the constant questioning and nagging that you feel is your mother and sisters way of trying to get you to open up and discuss your feelings with them, to me it sounds like they are just worried about you.

retro:electro

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LegacyUser

He didn't kill himself. It was a tragic accident.

And the fact that this is how they've always acted towards me when I've had things to deal with doesn't make it seem like anything unusual. It is completely unhelpful and I've explained that I've been dealing with funeral plans and everything related to his death all day, when I come home all I want to do is have some time to me, and for them to respect. This fell on deaf ears and I got nothing but negative responses.

I'm already being painted as the bad guy, even from overhearing them in the next room. Of course it's just me being moody, because they're isn't two sides to every story.

So far there's been **** all sympathy for me losing my friend. I'm not looking for pity, but I'd like if they just let me have some space and to be nice to me. Not badger me with insensitive questions and treat me like I'm just a moody kid when I get bothered by them.

Big Bag of Chips

Your family are not doing these things to annoy you. At times like this people really don't know what to say, and quite often can say the wrong thing, sometimes saying anything at all is wrong.

Your mam is worried about you. Your sister is confused and doesn't know how to handle you.

I am so very sorry for your loss, it is a difficult time for the friends and family of the deceased person. It is also a difficult time for the families of the friends, as they don't really know what to do, and can often feel on the sidelines, looking on, unable to do anything to make it 'better'.

Not everyone comes from a close, supportive family. But when the chips are down family will worry about you and want what's best... Even if they are not very good at demonstrating it.

I hope you get through the next few days with the support of your friends. But try not to be too hard on your family.

Bafucin

They don't know how to cope and are doing the best they can.

They care they just don't know how to express it for the best.

No one is at fault this is a terrible situation.


I want to say I am very sorry for you and your friend and his family and other friends.

I think tell them it is all too much and you need them to give you space.

ABajaninCork

anna080 wrote: »

Maybe the fact that your friend look his own life has had an impact on your mother and sister and they are worried for you. It is predominantly young males who take their own lives due to the typical fact that they usually don't open up and express their feelings as easily as women do. Perhaps the constant questioning and nagging that you feel is your mother and sisters way of trying to get you to open up and discuss your feelings with them, to me it sounds like they are just worried about you.

The OP doesn't state whether the friend took their life or not. So I think it's wrong to speculate.

OP - I think your family are worried about you, but expressing it clumsily. It's OK for you to want to be on your own, and it's OK to NOT want to talk about your feelings to your family yet. It's a huge shock, a very recent event and you need time to process it all.

Just talk to your mother calmly and tell her you're not ready to talk about it all yet. Maybe she could in turn tell your family to back off and give you space?

Finally - is there any way you could get counselling for yourself, once the funeral is over? I really think you should consider it.

Be kind to yourself. There's no set limit on how long you will grieve or feel like this. Slow and steady does it.

retro:electro

ABajaninCork wrote: »

The OP doesn't state whether the friend took their life or not. So I think it's wrong to speculate.

OP - I think your family are worried about you, but expressing it clumsily. It's OK for you to want to be on your own, and it's OK to NOT want to talk about your feelings to your family yet. It's a huge shock, a very recent event and you need time to process it all.

Just talk to your mother calmly and tell her you're not ready to talk about it all yet. Maybe she could in turn tell your family to back off and give you space?

Finally - is there any way you could get counselling for yourself, once the funeral is over? I really think you should consider it.

Be kind to yourself. There's no set limit on how long you will grieve or feel like this. Slow and steady does it.

That's true I must have read it wrong. My apologies op and I'm very sorry for your loss.

LegacyUser

Your family sounds really unsupportive to me. I think you're doing the right thing by confiding in your friends because they are not trying to diminish what you're feeling. I'm not sure why everyone is assuming that families always have each other's best interests at heart or will be supportive when you need it. Not everyone is that lucky unfortunately.

Sorry for your loss OP