self esteem

Foolscap

Hi,

I understand this may be a somewhat difficult thing to answer but I'd appreciated any help.

I was in counselling for a number of issues until my money ran out. The bottom line seemed to be that my very low self-esteem was the basis for a number of problems. I can't afford to keep seeing my counsellor so need to finish the process on my own.

Now, the problem is people seem to say "you need to work on your self-esteem" to me constantly, and I know this. But how? When I say "how do you suggest I do this" quite often the answer is "you just need to stop thinking X,Y,Z". Now believe me, if just "not thinking" was the solution, I would have been better a long time ago.

I guess what I'm asking, is when people say "you need to work on your self-esteem", what do they mean PRACTICALLY. I can't just suddenly start to believe I'm wonderful. What is the process?

Even websites written by psychotherapists seem to be full of non-useful advice, like "stop comparing yourself to others". By the time I realise that I need to "stop", I've already done it. What I need is to get to a point, where the thought doesn't occur in the first place. If I had self-esteem, I would never need to catch myself.

How do I work on self-esteem in practical ways?

Thanks x

dellas1979

First things first, if a person suffers from self-esteem issues, you dont just wake up one morning with it back.

The phrase is "work on yourself esteem" because it is "work" (on yourself) on a second, minute, hourly, day basis.

Bringing up self-esteem usually means changing how you view yourself. Which in turn, makes you change how you see the world.

Every single person on this planet projects their thoughts/ideas/opinions on every single person they meet. If you know/meet someone who doesnt have or share the same opinion as you, your own self-esteem will help you cope with this. Usually people with low self-esteem have the voice in their head "Im not good enough. My opinion is invalid. Noone listens. Im useless etc".

Essentially, people get used to listening to this voice. They forget that there is another voice in there. The "Im a good person. I try. My opinion does matter". It is very easy to hear the negatives, than the positives. And thats why you need to become (at the start anyways) very mindful of when you get negative/low thoughts to change that thinking into something positive. Its a cycle that only you can break. It becomes more flowey and natural after a while, but you have to put in the work. There are no magic words out there for you.

Raising up self-esteem, you actually get to know alot about yourself also. In essence, youve (somewhere along your life road) lost yourself.

Just remember, people with low self-esteem/confidence are usually "yes" people (scared of offending other people). When you start to use the "No, I dont want to's" you will be putting people on the back foot. As they are used to the yes's. Again, its something that you will get used to, when you start to practice.

Good luck to you!

Edit: I looked at another post of yours, and you were having a (pretty) hard-time with a PhD.

macplato

Self-esteem is a feeling. A feeling that you have for yourself. If you look up the word esteem in a dictionary you'll find synonyms such as: respect, admiration, awe, deference, praise, etc.

It's always good to start with identifying all the things in you that are worthy of respect, admiration, and so on. Now, this is hard, because unless you've been admired and respected as a child, you won't know how to direct these feelings towards yourselves. Even if you know in your head that you are, for example: hard working, helpful, funny or interesting, it doesn't come naturally to admire and appreciate these qualities in yourself the same way you would in other people.

This is where the work comes in - identify some lovely qualities in you (can you do that? If you can't then you need to start with learning to do that). Now imagine that you meet someone with these lovely qualities - how would you feel about them? Feel that feeling for a while, get used to how it feels in your body. This is actually how you feel about yourself, but for some reason resisting it, not allowing the connection between the feeling you feel and the person that you are. You need to make a conscious effort to transfer these feelings from your imagination onto the real you. The feeling is already there, all you need to do is to look at yourself, come to the conclusion "Wow, this is me. I am like that.", and make the connection. And then practice, practice and practice.

The problem is that throughout life we collect reasons why it's not safe to feel these lovely feelings for ourselves. We think (especially people with low self-esteem), that we have to be perfect to deserve feeling good about ourselves. Say, you create something beautiful, or have an opportunity to be helpful to someone who is very grateful to you, and you allow yourself to feel good about yourself. Then you do something silly, or make a mistake, or embarrass yourself in public, and that nasty inner voice immediately tells you: "look at yourself, you thought you were so good and all you are is a [insert your favourite insult]". That sure will teach you not to risk feeling good about yourself again in the future. It's just safer to feel bad about yourself all the time, rather than get your hopes up that life can feel easy and enjoyable, and then get knocked in the head when you least expect it.

In such situations it helps to again, see yourself the way you'd see a really lovely, dependable friend in the same situation. Would you say to that lovely someone who made a mistake or embarrassed himself or herself, what you tend to say to yourself? No, you'd say something like: "Don't worry about it, it's not that big of a deal. Really it isn't. Will you remember it this time next year? No? Then forget about it. You are an awesome person and a great friend, and everybody knows it. Forget about it and they will soon forget it, too." And now, again, bring that feeling of compassion you'd have for that lovely person to yourself. Say these words to yourself. There will be resistance, there will be more or less excruciating pain, but if you keep focusing and refocusing on being your own friend, eventually it will stick and become a habit.

Again (this is important) it's not the words you say to yourself, it's not the thoughts you force yourself to think about yourself - self-esteem is the feelings you feel for yourself: feeling of admiration, feeling of forgiveness, feeling of being deserving of another chance.

evilpixie

Looking into cognitive behavioural therapy. Try dummies guide to cbt. It works though example of how to change your thought process. Good luck!

Foolscap

Thanks very much for the responses. I really appreciate people taking time out of their day to help.

evilpixie- I did do some CBT with my therapist but it had no effect at all as its only useful in the very short term for issues. Unfortunately my poor self-esteem is rooted in deeper stuff and I've tried CBT a number of times over the years and each counsellor has come to the decision that it just won't sort out my problems. Thank you for the kind suggestion though.

dellas1979 - I think you hit the nail on the head about me projecting onto other people how I feel about myself. This latest bout of anxiety was caused by me bumping into my partners ex on a night out and immediately feeling that he's only with me because he can't have her.

macplato- there's some really helpful suggestions in there. Thank you

ElleEm

Writing things down can be very helpful.
Every day, write down at least one thing you did well, or something you are proud of. It can be simple things like "I made a healthy dinner from scratch" or something more challenging like "I struck up conversation with a stranger" or "I finished an assignment I have been procrastinating about". This will build up and you will have it to look back on when you are feeling less great about yourself.

You should also have a good think about the relationships you have, and the positive effect you have on those people. Have you got parents/ siblings? Do you try to be a good friend/ partner? Are you a helpful colleague? Are you a diligent student? There are positives in every relationship. You really need to think of the GOOD ways you impact on people's lives. If you find yourself thinking about the negatives or counteracting the good with a bad, then you need to learn redirection techniques. It is no good thinking "I am a loving partner, but I can sometimes get grumpy". Before the negative self talk creeps in, you need to pick something else to focus on. It is difficult, and it can be a constant battle at the beginning, but if you WORK at it, then the negative stuff will fade and that inner monologue will become more positive.

It could be really helpful to think about all the skills you have, and write them down. These can be practical and physical (cooking, , sporty, dancing, singing) and also the personal attributes you have that you bring to your relationships (good listener, kind, interested in people, etc.). It is all about focus, just try to continuosly remind yourself of the good that you do, no matter how big or small.

Bananaleaf

CBT in my opinion may begin as short term, but its benefits are long term. Changing your way of thinking is a long process - for me it was 2.5yrs, but now I do it without having to try, it's just instantaneous. I never thought I would get here.

Writing things down is also very good. Write when you are down, from the heart, and come back, re-visit it when u are feeling better and see if there is anything you notice that you can work on for next time.

Someone else mentioned that in a previous post you were talking of a phd - are there free counselling services in the college you attend? Can you go to you GP and get a referral to a counsellor who works on a sliding scale? There are counsellors who work for what you can afford to give them, from as little as €10 per hour. They are fully qualified professionals. That was how I got started as when I began therapy I was unemployed.

Good luck.

Mordun

Foolscap wrote: »

Hi,

I understand this may be a somewhat difficult thing to answer but I'd appreciated any help.

I was in counselling for a number of issues until my money ran out. The bottom line seemed to be that my very low self-esteem was the basis for a number of problems. I can't afford to keep seeing my counsellor so need to finish the process on my own.

Now, the problem is people seem to say "you need to work on your self-esteem" to me constantly, and I know this. But how? When I say "how do you suggest I do this" quite often the answer is "you just need to stop thinking X,Y,Z". Now believe me, if just "not thinking" was the solution, I would have been better a long time ago.

I guess what I'm asking, is when people say "you need to work on your self-esteem", what do they mean PRACTICALLY. I can't just suddenly start to believe I'm wonderful. What is the process?

Even websites written by psychotherapists seem to be full of non-useful advice, like "stop comparing yourself to others". By the time I realise that I need to "stop", I've already done it. What I need is to get to a point, where the thought doesn't occur in the first place. If I had self-esteem, I would never need to catch myself.

How do I work on self-esteem in practical ways?

Thanks x

Self esteem comes from learning to be innthe moment and to take a oerspectove behind your thoughts. It comes from realising that you no person, creature or object is better or worse than any other person, animal or object. If this time next year you are gorgeous, rich, successful etc it doesn't make you better or superior to who you are now. If this time next year you are ugly, homeless and despised by everyone it doesn't make you worse or inferior to who you are now.

Who you are is the prrsence or stillness behond your thoughts, it is the same presence that exists in everyone. Thoughts however remove access to it.

Rubberchikken

There is low cost counselling available.
Worth googling to see if it may be suitable.

It takes effort to improve self esteem but constant reinforcement of positive thoughts goes a long way to increasing it.
Best of luck

JuliusCaesar

You can also get psychological help free of charge from the HSE Mental Health Services. There may be a waiting list, but you might as well be on it.

Bananaleaf is right - CBT might seem to be superficial at the start, but does actually have profound impact on a deeper level. I wonder if your therapists were properly CBT qualified as everyone claims to do it these days.

Anyway, there are some good self-help books on overcoming low self-esteem, and working through one of these systematically and in practice might be useful in the meantime. CBT for Dummies is good, but might not be specific enough. There are online resources - lots of them - google will pull up loads more.

Just reading the books/online stuff won't help! You have to do the practical exercises, and apply them every single day. That's work.

Foolscap

Thanks everyone for this. I was on a waiting list with the HSE for 26 months which is why I went private. The reason I haven't gone back to low cost counselling is that it took me trying 3 or 4 to find the right counsellor (apparently the average is 6 before you find a 'match'!).

My counsellor is certified in CBT and we have used it, but for my particular situation it's an additional therapy rather than being the main course of treatment (I could explain why but it would be essay-length). Most probably I haven't done it for long enough.

I think the problem I'm having is that I have come on absolute leaps and bounds with this counsellor (seriously, she's a miracle worker) and I don't really want to start the process with someone else. But as I'm currently unemployed I can't go back to her until I'm working again. She doesn't do low-cost (she does however charge 20 quid less than the going rate).

The resources that some of you provided are wonderful, thank you. I'm just trying to keep the "work" going while I'm not seeing her. And I might mention doing some CBT work with her again when I go back.

Thanks!

Semele

I posted about this on a similar thread a few months ago but can't search for it...

OP, as a therapist I would recommend you check out Compassionate Mind training, or Compassion-Focused Therapy. It's a new wave therapy based in CBT principles that was specifically developed for clients who don't benefit from CBT and who can be very critical and shaming towards themselves.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Paul-Gilbert/dp/1849010986
This book is the major text by CFTs inventor and is a fabulous read! I love it myself and I've recommended it to clients and friends frequently. There are lots more resources online if you google it, but the book is really comprehensive, easy to read and has a lot of practical exercises to do.

Foolscap

Semele wrote: »

I posted about this on a similar thread a few months ago but can't search for it...

OP, as a therapist I would recommend you check out Compassionate Mind training, or Compassion-Focused Therapy. It's a new wave therapy based in CBT principles that was specifically developed for clients who don't benefit from CBT and who can be very critical and shaming towards themselves.


This book is the major text by CFTs inventor and is a fabulous read! I love it myself and I've recommended it to clients and friends frequently. There are lots more resources online if you google it, but the book is really comprehensive, easy to read and has a lot of practical exercises to do.

Thanks! I just ordered it