Was I an idiot?

LegacyUser

Hello, I'm unregistered for this.
I need advice as I cannot go to anyone else.

I was seeing a guy for two months and we were getting on great. I have been screwed over badly by men in the past. I have never had a relationship that went past the two-three month mark and every ex moved onto another woman.
Bearing this in mind, I kept my feeling guarded when seeing this guy. I found him hard to read in regards to his feelings about me so I guarded my feelings too. I found it hard to get physical with him as I was nervous around him but I suppose there's only so much physical you can do out on dates.

In the last two weeks of the duration I was seeing him, his contact decreased and dates became more casual and last minute . I knew this and felt he must be seeing someone else. Sher, why else would someone all of a sudden start losing interest?

Before I knew it, we were ignoring each other. As in, he started ignoring my calls and blocked me on FB. I saw him last night and I had too much pride to wave and say hi considering his cutting contact. He ignored me anyway.

I haven't heard from him in two weeks and it's killing me. I can't believe this is happening to me again. Another guy gets grass is greener syndrome.
I feel half of this is my fault as I think I came across disinterested where intimacy is concerned but rather than come out and ask me about it, he just cuts me off without warning.

I like him and despite guarding my heart this time, it still hurts.

What should I do?


This isn't Notting Hill but I can't help think I should try and tell him how I feel. At the same time, if he has been seeing someone else, I wouldn't want to embarrass myself by seeming foolish and needy.

HELP REQUIRED FOR CLUELESS GIRL

threebagsfull

Were you an idiot for what? Not getting too physical? If he's really that impatient, he's not the one for you. Maybe it was something else but either way, he doesn't seem interested. He was actively cutting off contact, so I wouldn't push this. It just didn't work out, don't dwell on it. He seems mean anyway, so you're well rid.

punisher5112

Easiest thing to say is move on but going through with it is the worst part.

If you feel there is something there arrange to meet and if he shoots you down or ignores you you still come out of it the better person.

I had a girlfriend years ago who got on great with she was a bit older but maturity wasn't her best ability as she was going off behind my back and in the process screwed me out of a load of money.

You need to find someone who feels the same and from what you say that wasn't the case.

Good luck to you op as the future can bring many happy things.

Lou.m

cluelessgirl333 wrote: »

Hello, I'm unregistered for this.
I need advice as I cannot go to anyone else.

I was seeing a guy for two months and we were getting on great. I have been screwed over badly by men in the past. I have never had a relationship that went past the two-three month mark and every ex moved onto another woman.
Bearing this in mind, I kept my feeling guarded when seeing this guy. I found him hard to read in regards to his feelings about me so I guarded my feelings too. I found it hard to get physical with him as I was nervous around him but I suppose there's only so much physical you can do out on dates.

In the last two weeks of the duration I was seeing him, his contact decreased and dates became more casual and last minute . I knew this and felt he must be seeing someone else. Sher, why else would someone all of a sudden start losing interest?

Before I knew it, we were ignoring each other. As in, he started ignoring my calls and blocked me on FB. I saw him last night and I had too much pride to wave and say hi considering his cutting contact. He ignored me anyway.

I haven't heard from him in two weeks and it's killing me. I can't believe this is happening to me again. Another guy gets grass is greener syndrome.
I feel half of this is my fault as I think I came across disinterested where intimacy is concerned but rather than come out and ask me about it, he just cuts me off without warning.

I like him and despite guarding my heart this time, it still hurts.

What should I do?


This isn't Notting Hill but I can't help think I should try and tell him how I feel. At the same time, if he has been seeing someone else, I wouldn't want to embarrass myself by seeming foolish and needy.

HELP REQUIRED FOR CLUELESS GIRL

No HE is an idiot. You made a smart move now simply move on.

You are being needy. HE ignored you and started to be childish and vindictive. If he simply wanted to end it that is what he should have done clean and certain.

He does not like you. He has no feelings for you and you need to respect that and move on.

He does not want to know how you feel.

If we want to talk to people we don't ignore them.

I agree with threebags full he seems mean cold and vindictive.

Anyway it is clear he does not want you to contact him and you shouldn't contact someone who ignores you like that EVER. If they want your attention they would show respect. He does not want you to contact him.

Alf. A. Male

Why are you blaming him? You were guarded and reserved, so he took the hint and went away. He probably thinks you weren't attracted to him and I don't blame him. And when you find yourself at the end of something saying "yet another man" has done whatever, it's time to look at yourself, you are the only thing all your relationships have on common, same as the rest of us.

missjm

I think you have had a lucky escape. He sounds like a horrible person. Well done you for noticing his bad behaviour so early on.

beks101

That sounds horrible and you didn't deserve to be treated like that. I'm not surprised your head is wrecked.

However. Why are you insistent on keeping men at arm's length like that? That's a very head-wrecking behaviour too. I've had that done to me and I assumed it meant the guy wasn't interested and couldn't be bothered, and in turn it got my back up too and I made less of an effort and eventually moved on. It's quite hurtful to be on the receiving end of that.

There's no greater way of destroying a blossoming relationship actually IME and it's a huge waste too as there could be deep feelings on either side of this great big Wall of China that has been constructed in the face of such a fear of getting hurt/being rejected whatever. And those feelings can never be realized because you're so busy trying to avoid getting hurt - and sure didn't that happen anyway?

I think this guy is a lost cause and he's not right for you. But I think you should try to be more open and honest with the next guy. What's the worst that can happen? You get rejected? He doesn't feel the same? You're a big girl, you've dealt with that before, as we all have, it won't kill you.

I really feel for you pet because I've been hurt a lot too, and I'm no eejit! So instinctively what you do in the face of that kind of disappointment is you close up shop emotionally to future men, you act anything but honest and authentic about your feelings and you expect the next guy to play ball to this sort of aloof, unreadable, emotionally confusing, mixed messages behaviour. And when he doesn't, you think "fcuk him, another one bites the dust. They're all the same!"

Just think about the kind of message your protective behaviour is sending to the guys you date. As someone else said, it's no coincidence that this dating pattern has followed you around - not that you can be to blame for someone else's behaviour and often in the dating world it IS just the case of having the misfortune of meeting a giant a55hole, but more often than not you get back what you give. And if you're reluctant to give anything....well, you can figure out the rest.

Be yourself with the next guy. Be open and honest and be emotionally there, not jumping to the future in your head and imagining all kinds of nightmare scenarios. You might get hurt again, you might get burned again, you might get dumped for another woman - but at least you were true to yourself and you were brave and bold in the pursuit of what you're looking for - and that in itself makes you a stronger, more confident and more attractive woman in the long run.

x

Alf. A. Male

Where are people getting him being horrible from? What's this lucky escape nonsense? She chose to hide her feelings and he decided she wasn't interested, then when they met they both ignored each other. He ignored a few calls and blocked her on Facebook. Not the best way to handle things, but all he did was avoid her discouraging indifference. There seems to be a rush to console and support which is ignoring the facts of what actually happened.

LegacyUser

Hi all. Thanks for replies.
After the last relationship, i decided to keep my cards closer. So when I met current guy, i felt i was finally doing it right. Turns out, i have still hurt myself.
He was great up until this carry on started. When i say physical, im talking the basics. I was quite slow with the signals but at the same time he wasnt lunging at me either.
I think i left a great guy walk away..

Bafucin

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

Where are people getting him being horrible from? What's this lucky escape nonsense? She chose to hide her feelings and he decided she wasn't interested, then when they met they both ignored each other. He ignored a few calls and blocked her on Facebook. Not the best way to handle things, but all he did was avoid her discouraging indifference. There seems to be a rush to console and support which is ignoring the facts of what actually happened.

That's because she can't change what happened now. It's over and she needs to accept that.

It doesn't really matter who did what it's over. Him blocking her was lucky because now she can just forget it.

Who knows what he is like he could be a prick he could be ok....he is probably just normal an average guy. I wouldn't assassinate him.

But the OP did not like him when they were together or feel comfortable enough to have sex. So she did what felt right at the time. And that is what she needed to do.

Maybe it was just THIS guy. Maybe it's guys in general. She can examine that now herself. But she was right to not do what he felt comfortable with.

Don't know the guy I could be wrong...but he sounds like he is up his own ass. But it doesn't matter. OP does not play a part in his life anymore.

There were not compatible.

OP you like him now because he is gone. When he was around you did not like him enough to go with it. Maybe it is the IDEA of who you think he is and not him you liked.

Why are you blaming him? You were guarded and reserved, so he took the hint and went away. He probably thinks you weren't attracted to him and I don't blame him. And when you find yourself at the end of something saying "yet another man" has done whatever, it's time to look at yourself, you are the only thing all your relationships have on common, same as the rest of us.

Don't take it personally and turn it into a political thing.

She WASN'T attracted to him...he was right! She was nervous around him and uncomfortable. That is not attraction. She just thinks she was now.

He ignored a few calls and blocked her on Facebook.

He is obviously not interested so.

The OP herself did nothing wrong. She did what she felt comfortable with. She was not sexually comfortable in this relationship. I wouldn't want a girl who was uncomfortable with me sexually in a relationship either. But I wouldn't do all that I would just end it.

She should find someone she feels 'it' for. It will come naturally then and she should stop thinking about this guy and worrying about it.

ScarletGirl

I wouldn't blame myself if I were you. There was nothing wrong with the way you've acted. It was very childish of him to cut contact like that, so if I were you, I'd move on and not care about him. He is silly.

Lou.m

cluelessgirl333 wrote: »

Hello, I'm unregistered for this.
I need advice as I cannot go to anyone else.

I was seeing a guy for two months and we were getting on great. I have been screwed over badly by men in the past. I have never had a relationship that went past the two-three month mark and every ex moved onto another woman.
Bearing this in mind, I kept my feeling guarded when seeing this guy. I found him hard to read in regards to his feelings about me so I guarded my feelings too. I found it hard to get physical with him as I was nervous around him but I suppose there's only so much physical you can do out on dates.

In the last two weeks of the duration I was seeing him, his contact decreased and dates became more casual and last minute . I knew this and felt he must be seeing someone else. Sher, why else would someone all of a sudden start losing interest?

Before I knew it, we were ignoring each other. As in, he started ignoring my calls and blocked me on FB. I saw him last night and I had too much pride to wave and say hi considering his cutting contact. He ignored me anyway.

I haven't heard from him in two weeks and it's killing me. I can't believe this is happening to me again. Another guy gets grass is greener syndrome.
I feel half of this is my fault as I think I came across disinterested where intimacy is concerned but rather than come out and ask me about it, he just cuts me off without warning.

I like him and despite guarding my heart this time, it still hurts.

What should I do?


This isn't Notting Hill but I can't help think I should try and tell him how I feel. At the same time, if he has been seeing someone else, I wouldn't want to embarrass myself by seeming foolish and needy.

HELP REQUIRED FOR CLUELESS GIRL

Why were you nervous around him by the way?

Was that something to do with him or yourself?

If it was you why did you not talk about it with him and see if it could be worked out?

If I am nervous I say so.

It can be natural to be nervous around men you like. If you had told him maybe he could have helped. You could have said 'look I am really shy or whatever'. If he did not help the situation then he was not right.Judging from what he did after I don't think he was going to be much help in that way anyway.

Two months is a bit long for absolutely nothing physical but I still think you did what felt right for you and he acted like a vindictive knob. Ignoring someone is petty and actually gives the person you are ignoring more importance than being civil.

He could have been honest and said look this is not working.

I think you need to let yourself go in relationships..this guy was silly...but your heart is very strong...

Big Bag of Chips

He read you as not being interested. So moved on. He ignored calls and blocked you in Facebook to give himself space and the opportunity to move on from you.

He could have even posted here saying "She doesn't seem interested. She's very guarded.... Etc" and could have been told to cut his losses, early stages of relationships are supposed to be fun and exciting and getting to know you. People don't tend to have a breakup chat after such a short time, and maybe if he thought you weren't that interested anyway, then it would be easier all round to just move on.

He might have had similar experiences with girls that strung him along and then disappeared with the next fella that showed a bit of interest (that doesn't just happen to girls you know!)

Everything you have been through, and think about him could be a mirror image of how he feels. But unless you talk to him you'll never know.

I think if you want a fella to stick around you're going to have to give him something. And I don't mean sex or something physical. I mean something that lets him know you are interested. How long do you expect a fella to wait around before you will drop your guard and show any sign of interest? The last fella lasted 2 months, personally I think he gave it a good chance but it just didn't "click".

Next time stop with this "I have my guard up because of what happened in the past" nonsense. If you continue to keep the guard up, the past is going to keep repeating itself. No fella is going to hang around for long if he has no clue how you feel, and you're making a point of letting him think you're not all that bothered in the first place.

Lenmeister

Ya I agree with Alf A Male here. You'd swear this guy treated her like crap and dumped her under the most horrible circumstances the way people are going on.

It's impossible to say without hearing it from him but chances are he got bored and moved on. Not the best way to end things, but I can't blame him for losing interest. I mean keeping your feelings hidden and guarded just because you can't read him? Rediculous. How do you expect it to work if you hold back?

Guys will get bored if you don't show that you're sexually interested in him. Think about it from his point of view for a bit. He's going out with you for 2 months. He wants you. But you don't show your feelings. You don't show any sexual interest. What did you expect? He probably felt more like an activity partner.

cluelessgirl333 wrote: »

I knew this and felt he must be seeing someone else. Sher, why else would someone all of a sudden start losing interest?

He got bored. You basically put him in the friendzone. That's just going to frustrate him as he'll feel like he's being strung along.

I know you said you were hurt in the past but if you can't open up to people you're never going to make a relationship work. Forget about him and move on.

strobe

Relationships and dating are about getting to know someone physically/sexually and emotionally. That's the point. That's the fun and excitement of dating. That's the reason d'être. For a lot of people if either one of those two things aren't happening they'll figure its a waste of time and move on. For pretty much everybody if neither of those thing are happening they'll never even give it two months.

You can't give nothing of interest to someone and expect them to continue being interested.

Merida107

OP I think you should ease off on the game playing in future and just be yourself.

LegacyUser

Hey everybody. Thanks for reading and responding. I've been reading all replies and thinking about all opinions.
Firstly, I just want to say: I am attracted to men ;;-) (just want to clear that up).


Secondly, I think there was blame on both sides.
I guess there was no spark. He was not putting the moves on me when I offered opportunities. I'm talking the simple 'I fancy you' stuff like flirting and compliments. He never flirted with me or responded to my advances. Maybe we were out of sync and miscommunicating?
With that in mind, I felt I couldn't make moves due to stand off feeling and therefore, went cold. In hindsight, I can see that even though he was there, he wasn't really in the moment with me either. He didn't make me feel wanted in that way.
I tell ye, it's an awkward feeling when yer both on the Luas facing a in love couple all over eachother and wishing it was you!
I'm taking what ye have said into account about my own behaviour. It's a pity though....

Czarcasm

cluelessgirl333 wrote: »

I guess there was no spark. He was not putting the moves on me when I offered opportunities. I'm talking the simple 'I fancy you' stuff like flirting and compliments. He never flirted with me or responded to my advances. Maybe we were out of sync and miscommunicating?
With that in mind, I felt I couldn't make moves due to stand off feeling and therefore, went cold. In hindsight, I can see that even though he was there, he wasn't really in the moment with me either. He didn't make me feel wanted in that way.
I tell ye, it's an awkward feeling when yer both on the Luas facing a in love couple all over eachother and wishing it was you!
I'm taking what ye have said into account about my own behaviour. It's a pity though....

OP you've got a couple of things going on there tbh -

You said in an earlier post that you were nervous with the guy, and so despite your mouth saying one thing, your body language could've been giving off completely different signals, signals which may have led the guy to think you were uncomfortable in his company, that you weren't acting naturally and that you were trying to contrive a spark where really, well, there were none.

When there's a spark OP you can't help but be yourself, and all the contrived acting in the world requires effort that just being your natural self doesn't. These kind of put-on pretences can actually be more off-putting than attractive, and often times a person may feel you're a nice person, but they don't have the heart to tell you that your behaviour put them off.

You yourself were the same with this guy as he was with you - you found his behaviour off-putting, but yet you still wanted to see him again. He just didn't want to see you again as he felt it wasn't worth his time to sit there feeling just as awkward as you were feeling.

Honestly OP you need to leave all the past relationships and preconceived notions behind you from this point on and start making small efforts to be more open with your dates, show more of yourself, forget about the silly mind games, because they sure as hell haven't worked for you up to now. Look forward to your next date with a fresh approach and a more open outlook that's less focused on your past, and more focused on living in that moment and engaging with your date and enjoying yourself, and if sparks happen, they'll happen naturally and you won't even be aware of it or thinking about it.

Merida107

OP, what are you afraid of happening if you "let your guard down"?

LegacyUser

Merida107 wrote: »

OP, what are you afraid of happening if you "let your guard down"?

Opening up (vunerable) to possibly be rejected , you know?

December2012

You had your guard up this time and you still feel rejected.

Now you're wondering if having your guard up led to the rejection.

In part, it probably put a barrier for any chemistry to overcome, which is too much work for the beginning of any sort of relationship.

Relationships should not be work. For either side, particularly at the beginning.

Lou.m

cluelessgirl333 wrote: »

Hey everybody. Thanks for reading and responding. I've been reading all replies and thinking about all opinions.
Firstly, I just want to say: I am attracted to men ;;-) (just want to clear that up).


Secondly, I think there was blame on both sides.
I guess there was no spark. He was not putting the moves on me when I offered opportunities. I'm talking the simple 'I fancy you' stuff like flirting and compliments. He never flirted with me or responded to my advances. Maybe we were out of sync and miscommunicating?
With that in mind, I felt I couldn't make moves due to stand off feeling and therefore, went cold. In hindsight, I can see that even though he was there, he wasn't really in the moment with me either. He didn't make me feel wanted in that way.
I tell ye, it's an awkward feeling when yer both on the Luas facing a in love couple all over eachother and wishing it was you!
I'm taking what ye have said into account about my own behaviour. It's a pity though....

Actually from what I am reading here and him blocking you on social networking. He just didn't fancy you from the get go.

I don't think he wanted you around regardless.

Anyway don't think too much about it.

Remember this. BE CONFIDENT IN YOURSELF.

THAT IS WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK.

If you feel worthy of a genuine guy you will see the genuineness in the next nice guy you meet. If you don't ..if you feel insecure you will see negativity.

Take time away from dating maybe for a year or a few months and work on being happy with who you are. When you feel confident you will not see a bad guy lurking on every date. You need to feel attractive and comfortable in your sexuality.

You would not be second guessing his behavior, if you knew yourself you would just know.

You will not have to worry about letting your guard down if you feel confident because you will neither be desperately seeking attention from the bad guys nor two afraid to welcome in the good ones. Because I think the balance of that is what worries you yes?

Don't worry about it. When you like you it will happen naturally that you allow good guys in and are not interested in guys who are either not into you or not right for you or just knobs. When you feel secure you will see all the good people in the world.

Don't worry about the past. And don't worry about this guy or analyze what happened or who said what. That is not the issue. The issue is how you feel about you.

It is not healthy to go over and over things.
Forget about it now. It actually doesn't matter there are plenty of nice sound guys out there.