Husband sent me an email in ex boyfriends name

sholashola

Just recently I received an email from my ex boyfriend. I opened it and read it. I found this very unusual as he never sends me emails. I immediately informed my husband who didn't look me in the eye and behaved strangely. Later on in the evening I checked my boyfriends email address on my contact list and realized that his email address was slightly different to the one I received. I asked my husband if it was him that sent the message he denied. I kept probing him and then he laughed and said it was him.

When I asked him why he just said there was no reason he just did. Can anyone offer any input as to why he would do such a weird thing?

The Pheasant2

What did it say?

sholashola

Nothing really, just sent a link from a newspaper article. But I'm guessing that was just a starter, if I didn't notice this it might have escalated. Think that was him playing it safe and seeing if he could pull it off?

R.D. aka MR.D

It certainly seems like he was testing you for some reason.

Is he normally jealous?

Lou.m

Maybe he wanted to know a part of you he feels you keep away from him

He wanted to know you with your ex BF or another side of you not with him.

Like reading your mother's letters before she had you or got married.

<Mod snip - per our charter no videos please.>

However the reason why he did is is not the same as his motivations. He did it in madness. The motivation will not make sense.

He wanted to get closer or know if you would pass a test.

But it isolated you from each other. And he is the one who breached trust.

He should have thought that maybe it might scare you knowing some guy was posing as your ex.

Maybe that is part of why he did it ...to freak you out.

It was possibly not coming from the most logical part of his mind so it is not really going to make sense.

I think you two need to get closer. And let him know how you feel about this.

Maybe it was out of power play or manipulation or insecurity. But it cannot be pleasant for him or you to feel that kind of need.

Did you have an experience as a couple of your relationship being on the rocks or something?


Does he do things like this? What is the trust in your relationship like?

What if you had continued and not thought of your husband as the culprit ..you might have thought your ex was being weird or thought some weirdo was up to it. It is not terribly kind.

And it can't feel good for your husband to feel a compulsion to do that.

If it was a joke it is odd and inappropriate. Maybe it was moment of madness. It is a lot of effort to go to though. Setting up a fake email almost like your exes and everything.

Look into the intimacy of your relationship I think. And look into his respect for your feelings and privacy.

I think he did it to see what the other side of you is like and to test you and to feel in control and maybe to manipulate or play with your head a little.

Anyway he needs to know he can't do things like this. It is not healthy for either of you.

Taltos

Lou.m - please have another look at our charter, videos are not permitted here. Due to the nature of our forum all rule breaches can result in moderator action.

Thanks
Taltos

Big Bag of Chips

I agree he did it as some sort of test. He is now embarrassed that he got caught. That is why he is trying to laugh it off. You need to have it out with him. No matter how embarrassed he gets you need to push for a real answer.

What he did is odd in the extreme. How long are you together? Does your ex feature in your life? Is he still around? Are you friendly? Does your husband have any reason to suspect that there are still feelings there between you and your ex?

Your husband may be in need of some reassurance from you. But you deserve total honesty from him.

dellas1979

I think you need to find out what the motive was behind his actions.

And I wouldnt just leave it there with a "yeah it was me-*laugh*".

Merkin

I'd be deeply disturbed by that. He was hoping you'd enter into a dialogue with your ex and entrap you basically. How creepy and weird. Why doesn't he trust you? You really need to have it out with him.

Big Bag of Chips

Also, and it may be completely irrelevant in your situation, but it usually stands true that if someone is accusing you of cheating, or trying to catch you out, with no basis for their suspicion, that they are the guilty ones and are trying to alleviate their own guilt by pinning the blame on you.

It might be something to consider.

Merkin

Merkin wrote: »

I'd be deeply disturbed by that. He was hoping you'd enter into a dialogue with your ex and entrap you basically. How creepy and weird. Why doesn't he trust you? You really need to have it out with him.

Sums it up. Creepy and weird.
Do not let it go.

I also agree with BBoC

Jenneke87

But even if you had responded, what was he going to say? " I created a fake account and sent you a totally innocent newpaper article link to proof that you communicate with past lovers? If you had sent a reply saying" thanks for the link, take care" then what did he intent to proof with that? The whole set up is so weird that I seriously wonder what he hoped to achieve with this and what his train of thought was when setting this up. I would run a mile personally.

YumCha

This is seriously creepy, and I suggest would probably only get creepier were it an ex from long ago.

I second the posters saying you need to have it out with him and not let him off the hook.

I'm guessing a little wildly here, but I wonder if he's recently had a similar situation with an ex and is trying to alleviate his guilt for whatever he did by getting you to do the same.

Addle

What prompted you to check your ex's address?

Eeden

Is there any chance that he might want to end the relationship, but come out of it looking like the good guy?

Colser

If it all happened as you say it did OP then I would have a HUGE problem with it...I honestly cant think of one genuine excuse or reason that I would accept if my OH did this to me and if he tried to pass it of as a laugh or a joke I wouldnt believe him.

sholashola

Does anyone have any recommendations as to what I should do in this situation so that I can come to a proper conclusion?

bee06

Talk to your husband about why he did this?

Czarcasm

sholashola wrote: »

Does anyone have any recommendations as to what I should do in this situation so that I can come to a proper conclusion?

Without any proper context or background to the situation OP it's very hard to advise you on what you should do, as you haven't given much information to go on. I mean -

Is this normal behavior for your husband or has he a history of this kind of behavior?

How old are you both and how long have you been married?

Are you still in communication with your ex apart from this incident ever happening?

Without any background or context, all anyone here can do is guess as to your husband's motivations, and we're as much in the dark as you are, and you're married to him so you should know him better than anyone here.

What is your communication in your relationship normally like? Is he normally as dismissive of your questioning his behavior, and are you normally as accepting of his dismissal?

I would be asking him what the hell he was playing at if something like this happened out of the blue, and I wouldn't settle for "no reason". Your husband is an adult, not a child, "no reason" just doesn't cut it, but you won't get any reason until you confront your husband and treat him like an adult who is supposed to show you some trust and respect.

If he can't do that much, THEN you might have a real reason to ask further questions about your whole relationship and not just this specific incident.

sholashola

Czarcasm wrote: »

Without any proper context or background to the situation OP it's very hard to advise you on what you should do, as you haven't given much information to go on. I mean -

Is this normal behavior for your husband or has he a history of this kind of behavior?

How old are you both and how long have you been married?

Are you still in communication with your ex apart from this incident ever happening?

Without any background or context, all anyone here can do is guess as to your husband's motivations, and we're as much in the dark as you are, and you're married to him so you should know him better than anyone here.

What is your communication in your relationship normally like? Is he normally as dismissive of your questioning his behavior, and are you normally as accepting of his dismissal?

I would be asking him what the hell he was playing at if something like this happened out of the blue, and I wouldn't settle for "no reason". Your husband is an adult, not a child, "no reason" just doesn't cut it, but you won't get any reason until you confront your husband and treat him like an adult who is supposed to show you some trust and respect.

If he can't do that much, THEN you might have a real reason to ask further questions about your whole relationship and not just this specific incident.

Thanks for your long contribution. We are married seven years. A few years ago I found out he had been on a dating site and after confronting him he admitted it, and then he left for a bit. After that we got back together again but he never bought me anything for anniversaries. Every time we would argue over this. He would just say he is not that kind of guy. One of his friends asked me why my husband doesn't buy me flowers then sent another girl a message saying my husband doesn't love me. I once heard him (husband) tell his brother on the phone that he doesn't hate me....that bothered me a little.

Fast forward a few years on, he seems to have improved, buys gifts, is polite, caring considerate almost ideal. No complaints, I was sailing smoothly up until I get this email. Now I'm left wondering is trouble brewing?

In relation to the above questions, he is always dismissive of anything I ask that involves his privacy etc.
I only have contact with this ex boyfriend via facebook and my husband knows about this?

Ankhyu

sholashola wrote: »

Thanks for your long contribution. We are married seven years. A few years ago I found out he had been on a dating site and after confronting him he admitted it, and then he left for a bit. After that we got back together again but he never bought me anything for anniversaries. Every time we would argue over this. He would just say he is not that kind of guy. One of his friends asked me why my husband doesn't buy me flowers then sent another girl a message saying my husband doesn't love me. I once heard him (husband) tell his brother on the phone that he doesn't hate me....that bothered me a little.

Fast forward a few years on, he seems to have improved, buys gifts, is polite, caring considerate almost ideal. No complaints, I was sailing smoothly up until I get this email. Now I'm left wondering is trouble brewing?

In relation to the above questions, he is always dismissive of anything I ask that involves his privacy etc.
I only have contact with this ex boyfriend via facebook and my husband knows about this?

I don't like to jump to conclusions but that sounds a bit dodgy, after seven years of marriage generally there wouldn't be too much privacy. Could he be up to something? After reading that I'm starting to agree with some of the other posts which suggest he could be trying to alleviate his guilt by trying to get you into a dialogue with your "ex" or else is looking for a way out of the relationship. Could he be on the dating sites again?
I wouldn't accept that as just being a practical joke, you need to sit down and talk to him.

Merkin

Any conclusion reached will be just conjecture unfortunately but based on the background you've just given us then I don't think this bodes well at all. Heck, it never boded well given that it's so weird in the first place but now that we know his history of cheating, his need for privacy etc and his weird attitude to you then I wouldn't be looking at this in a lighthearted fashion at all.

It's got all the hallmarks of someone trying to set a YOU up for a fall and the only reason someone would do that (besides from being a nasty piece of work) is to alleviate their own guilt.

How has your relationship been? Are you intimate with one another? Do you think there is someone else on the scene?

It just doesn't sit right.

Czarcasm

Thanks for that shola. NOW at least given the fuller picture, it sounds like your husband has some woeful insecurity issues, and this manifests itself in his immature behavior - the secrecy, his joining dating websites, his lack of acknowledgement of occasions that should be meaningful to you both as a couple... the list goes on.

At the centre of it though is your husbands insecurity and immaturity and his defiant attitude as a way of minimizing taking responsibility for his own behavior and his own actions. He doesn't like when it's pointed out to him that there are certain expectations and obligations in a relationship when two people are involved, and he can't just be all the time thinking of himself.

I don't think he's cheating on you, but I think he wanted to find out just what DO you talk about with other people, and do you talk about him, etc. Basically from my reading of the situation, your husband feels trapped, and he wonders do you feel the same way, hence the half-assed "defective detective" effort with the email you were supposed to think came from your ex.

When he starts playing mind games like that, that's when you both need to sit down and have an open and frank discussion about the relationship and where you both stand and where you both see it going, because clearly it hasn't been working for both of you in the past, and there must be a point at which it was working and when you were both happy or you wouldn't have gotten married.

You can't figure out what's going on in your husbands head OP, and nobody here can really do that for you, only your husband can tell you what's on his mind, and if he has any respect for you and trusts you at all, and wants the relationship to work out so that BOTH of you benefit from it, then he has to be honest with you. I think suggesting to him that after seven years of marriage, that's the least he owes you, might jog his memory a little bit into remembering why he chose to marry you.

sholashola

Ankhyu wrote: »

I don't like to jump to conclusions but that sounds a bit dodgy, after seven years of marriage generally there wouldn't be too much privacy. Could he be up to something? After reading that I'm starting to agree with some of the other posts which suggest he could be trying to alleviate his guilt by trying to get you into a dialogue with your "ex" or else is looking for a way out of the relationship. Could he be on the dating sites again?
I wouldn't accept that as just being a practical joke, you need to sit down and talk to him.

That would be very sad. Hopefully that's not the reason. I will talk to him again. Thanks to everyone for your advice and input.

Addle

IMO, that you give more merit to remembering anniversaries than a healthy sex life does not reflect well on your relationship.

Lou.m

Taltos wrote: »

Lou.m - please have another look at our charter, videos are not permitted here. Due to the nature of our forum all rule breaches can result in moderator action.

Thanks
Taltos

sorry

Lou.m

sholashola wrote: »

Thanks for your long contribution. We are married seven years. A few years ago I found out he had been on a dating site and after confronting him he admitted it, and then he left for a bit. After that we got back together again but he never bought me anything for anniversaries. Every time we would argue over this. He would just say he is not that kind of guy. One of his friends asked me why my husband doesn't buy me flowers then sent another girl a message saying my husband doesn't love me. I once heard him (husband) tell his brother on the phone that he doesn't hate me....that bothered me a little.

Fast forward a few years on, he seems to have improved, buys gifts, is polite, caring considerate almost ideal. No complaints, I was sailing smoothly up until I get this email. Now I'm left wondering is trouble brewing?

In relation to the above questions, he is always dismissive of anything I ask that involves his privacy etc.
I only have contact with this ex boyfriend via facebook and my husband knows about this?

Your husband is a really really weird person.


I mean on the verge of ill weird.

He leaves you after online dating and then returns yet shows no official signs of affection and you learn from others they think he does not love you and he states merely 'i don't hate her'.

If this a situation of convenience for him?
Addle

Addle IMO, that you give more merit to remembering anniversaries than a healthy sex life does not reflect well on your relationship.

Unless you KNOW the OP how do you know what her sex life is like? She did not mention it? Unless you knew her partner you could not make that assertion.

Also the fact that she has a husband who states 'I don't hate her' has friends saying he does not love her and does not show affection and also is creepy and awful enough to send emails pretending to be someone else would be the reason perhaps for a bad sex life if there were an issue. He left her after being on an online dating site. If their sex life is bad I would wager he is the reason.

OP I am going to be honest your OH sounds very creepy unpleasant and sociopathic. Who says 'I don't hate her' about their wife???

I would say you need to be very careful OP. He sounds like he is about to hurt you or let you down in some way.

bee06

Lou.m wrote: »

Your husband is a really really weird person.


I mean on the verge of ill weird.

He leaves you after online dating and then returns yet shows no official signs of affection and you learn from others they think he does not love you and he states merely 'i don't hate her'.

If this a situation of convenience for him?
Addle


Unless you KNOW the OP how do you know what her sex life is like? She did not mention it? Unless you knew her partner you could not make that assertion.

Also the fact that she has a husband who states 'I don't hate her' has friends saying he does not love her and does not show affection and also is creepy and awful enough to send emails pretending to be someone else would be the reason perhaps for a bad sex life if there were an issue. He left her after being on an online dating site. If their sex life is bad I would wager he is the reason.

OP I am going to be honest your OH sounds very creepy unpleasant and sociopathic. Who says 'I don't hate her' about their wife???

I would say you need to be very careful OP. He sounds like he is about to hurt you or let you down in some way.

Lou.m, the OP wrote in a post that they hadn't had sex in years but the post seems to have disappeared now.

OP based on everything you've written you seem more like two people who happen to live together than a married couple. No sex, no romance or recognition of anniversaries and he says he doesn't hate you. I think you said in the missing post that he's a nice man but do you actually love him?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, your relationship doesn't sound at all healthy, or happy? Why would you "settle" for that as a relationship? Why would he? "He doesn't hate you"????? Really? That is the best thing he can say about you, that he doesn't hate you? I'm guessing it was in reply to his friend asking if he loved you.

You don't sound like you are happy at all. You sound like you let a lot of things go that you really aren't all that happy about. Why do you not challenge him on things? When you heard him say he doesn't hate you, why did you not ask him immediately why he felt he had to clarify that for someone? I'd say your friends, and his, are looking on wondering why on earth you put up with him.

Now only you know why you put up with him. But are you in a marriage, or are you in a friendship... and to be honest, even if it's a friendship it all seems to be one sided. Unless you find the courage to stand up and say what you are thinking then it looks like you have a very lonely life ahead of you.

Lou.m

Eden said

Is there any chance that he might want to end the relationship, but come out of it looking like the good guy?

OP siad

sholashola wrote: »

Does anyone have any recommendations as to what I should do in this situation so that I can come to a proper conclusion?

You are not playing a game of chess. You (both of you infact) have nothing to gain personally by a tactical victory. This has been your husbands methodology. Don't play his games. It is going to lead to his huge personal unhappiness in the end.

His exact motivation is not really important. What is important is his character. Is he insecure but a good person deep down? Or is he Machiavellian and selfish?

You know what your husbands character is. Of course you do you know way better than any of us. Is he a nasty piece of work? Or is he a nice guy but in a situation he hates?

What is the nature of your relationship he is obviously unhappy and so it seems are you.

bee06 said

Lou.m, the OP wrote in a post that they hadn't had sex in years but the post seems to have disappeared now.

OP based on everything you've written you seem more like two people who happen to live together than a married couple. No sex, no romance or recognition of anniversaries and he says he doesn't hate you. I think you said in the missing post that he's a nice man but do you actually love him?

Ah thank you sorry I got confused then.

The state of your relationship actually seems over in many ways. No sex no official tokens etc he states 'he does not hate you'.

It is convenience that holds you together. And now you are locked in a battle of the two of you trying to get the upper hand over the other and trying to figure out each others motives.

It seems very cold. Are you certain this is healthy ? Do you love each other? Or are you both there for other reasons?

Merkin

Sorry to be presumptuous but why hasn't he just finished the relationship when it's clearly been dead in the water for years? And now it seems he is trying to do so in a roundabout and covert way. I find that very odd. Has he tried to leave you before? Subsequent to the first time? It sounds like a very strange set up.

threebagsfull

It sounds like he's looking for a way out, a really immature way out, where he can blame you and he doesn't have to look like the bad guy. It's not really a marriage is it, no support or affection, I think you should be brave and just break up with him. It's your life though.

Lemonandice20

sholashola wrote: »

Thanks for your long contribution. We are married seven years. A few years ago I found out he had been on a dating site and after confronting him he admitted it, and then he left for a bit. After that we got back together again but he never bought me anything for anniversaries. Every time we would argue over this. He would just say he is not that kind of guy. One of his friends asked me why my husband doesn't buy me flowers then sent another girl a message saying my husband doesn't love me. I once heard him (husband) tell his brother on the phone that he doesn't hate me....that bothered me a little.

Fast forward a few years on, he seems to have improved, buys gifts, is polite, caring considerate almost ideal. No complaints, I was sailing smoothly up until I get this email. Now I'm left wondering is trouble brewing?

In relation to the above questions, he is always dismissive of anything I ask that involves his privacy etc.
I only have contact with this ex boyfriend via facebook and my husband knows about this?

Do you buy him gifts?

maria34

OP are u a wealthy woman? Whats the age gap between you?

Feel

Have you taken into consideration to answer the email of your "ex boyfriend" as if he is your ex to start a role play with your husband? That could be a different approach to talk about blocked thoughts and what is going on.

missjm

If a female did that to her partner I would be saying they were insecure, paranoid and very wrong. I will take the same stance here. Clearly somebody doesn't do this without some motive. Perhaps he hoped to move the emails along to being suggestive/sexual. Perhaps he wanted to see how you were feeling and what you'd tell somebody apart from him. I'm not going to make excuses for him - it's still wrong. You both need to sit down and have a serious talk.

Chattastrophe!

If I were in that position I'd be absolutely furious and I'd be having very serious doubts about the marriage. What a sneaky, manipulative, paranoid thing to do.

Trust is one of the most fundamental important aspects of a relationship. And even if he had some reason to believe you had something going on with your ex, he should have talked to you about it, not try to catch you out. And then having the cheek to try and laugh it off like it wasn't a big deal! He obviously doesn't think very much of you if he thinks you'd accept that.

I guess I'd advise you to talk to him about it, but I really can't imagine what he might say that would make what he did acceptable.

Bafucin

maria34 wrote: »

OP are u a wealthy woman? Whats the age gap between you?

I thought this too?
Either perhaps he is wealthy and worried about splitting assets or she is.

Something seems very off here.

I don't want to insult the OP.

I really think you are perhaps being used in some way.

Neither of you seem happy why are you with each other?

Starokan

He set out to trap you so he either assumes you are cheating or believes you capable of it.

Either way this is an extremely nasty and hurtful thing to do to someone. I wonder had you answered just how long he would have strung you along.

In fairness op there is something very flawed with your relationship for this to happen. My advice would be sit him down and insist on a full and frank discussion as to why he did it, what he hoped to gain and most importantly where he sees your relationship at present.

I am usually very loathe to tell someone to leave a relationship but based on what your posting here there are many pointers that this has run its course. I think that based on what you hear you need to take control and decide for yourself what's best for you. If he refuses to talk about this then i think you have your answer as to what to do

sholashola

Hi, thanks again for all the replies. I took the advice and confronted him again when he returned home yesterday. At first he was extremely angry about me bringing the topic up but I kept my cool and insisted on an answer.

The answer was something along the lines of he wanted to know why I'm having an on and off friendship with this ex boyfriend. This conversation then got heated and the next thing I know it he is saying that if not for our son he wouldn't be here.

Thanks again to everyone that tried to help.

December2012

You could try marriage counselling. It appears you have a lot of bug problems to both work through

Penny Tration

sholashola wrote: »

Hi, thanks again for all the replies. I took the advice and confronted him again when he returned home yesterday. At first he was extremely angry about me bringing the topic up but I kept my cool and insisted on an answer.

The answer was something along the lines of he wanted to know why I'm having an on and off friendship with this ex boyfriend. This conversation then got heated and the next thing I know it he is saying that if not for our son he wouldn't be here.

Thanks again to everyone that tried to help.

If not for your son, he'd be gone?

Oh dear. That's no way for either of you to live.

Have you considered marriage counselling? If you both want to save the marriage, it could help.

If neither of you want to save it, you can't keep living like this. It's horribly unfair to both of you, and most importantly to you child. You need to try to figure out a way to handle things amicably,whether tthat's working to save your marriage, or separating.

Merkin

sholashola wrote: »

Hi, thanks again for all the replies. I took the advice and confronted him again when he returned home yesterday. At first he was extremely angry about me bringing the topic up but I kept my cool and insisted on an answer.

The answer was something along the lines of he wanted to know why I'm having an on and off friendship with this ex boyfriend. This conversation then got heated and the next thing I know it he is saying that if not for our son he wouldn't be here.

Thanks again to everyone that tried to help.

OK but where does this actually leave you both and the future of your relationship? It's obvious that there's a whole family size can of worms here and there seems to be very little love between you, or on his side at least, so what is the next step? I don't believe this can just be swept under the carpet.

maria34

Having a child gives a different light to all story. He came back for your child perhaps. How were you sharing your childs time between each other when u broke up?
Look u dont deserve unhappiness ( thats what u have now) nor does he! He was coward enough to deal with things that way - just to get an excuse to leave and be a good person in your childs eye perhaps?
Your child doesnt need to see 2 parents unhappy in a marriage with no intimacy.