My partner delibrately excludes me even though I ask him not to.

Grace_31

Hi I am looking for some perspective please.

I am currently in a relationship with my partner of 5 years. I have a son of 9 from a previous relationship. My partner and I fight a lot. Its gotten to the point where I feel that im not sure if its even worth it anymore, but I would like to give it my all before I just give up. When things are good they are amazing but if its bad its really bad. There doesnt seem to be a happy medium between us.

Our problems started after a year of us being together. He told me that he wanted nothing to do with my son or me any more and that I was not the right person for him (later retracting this and apologising for hurting me when he was angry). As a result I started another relationship and I admit it was wrong at the time and looking back I would have done things differently.

We slowly got to talking and got back together but it has been just manic since then. I have no problem admitting my faults and I do have them but when it come to him he wont return the courtesy.

He makes these plans with friends for holidays and doesn’t discuss them with me as I do with him before hand. Then he will just tell me he’s going and im not to ask questions about his trip, who he is going with or anything. These holidays are sometimes for 5 nights or 2 weeks or even up to 5-6 weeks.

Im not the type of partner to begrudge him having a good time I don’t need to be with him 24/7 and I make plans with my friends to go on holidays too for no longer than a period of 1 week, which I always involve and discuss with my partner before any final plans are made. I think this is normal in relationships and respectful to my partner, even though my plans don’t include him at that time I try to get him involved all the same.

I only wish that this was the way he was also. It seems that its one rule for him and another completely different rule for me. I think we are old enough to not live by rules but a little decency and respect for each other after 5 years is not to much to expect I think.
When I try to talk to him about this, we always argue. I tell him how it makes me feel and he argues. He says im trying to control him which I wouldn’t dream of as I know he has his own life, as do I. He tries to turn it around back on me and blame me for everything, saying im complaining and ruining his holidays by asking questions and not being happy for him when he decides to go away, when all I would like is for my feelings to be considered.

I trust him 100% and know that he is not cheating on me or believe that he ever would.

Sometimes after he returns and we are fine, he will then admit it was wrong and he will try not to alienate me that its not fair to me, which I accept and hope for the best. But the same thing happens again and if I remind him of what he has said im accused of bringing past arguments into the present. Im at a loss!

Am I missing something? Or is to be respected enough by my partner to discuss things in a mature manner that unreasonable?

Taltos

He may not be cheating on you but he clearly doesn't respect you and that comment regarding your son is just not on. I have to ask OP - after that alone why would you even consider giving him a second chance especially with all of this?

Seriously? Not kidding here but I don't get why you think you have to fight so much for this. After 5 years of things not getting better do you suddenly think he will wake up one day and respect you? Maybe it would help you to talk to someone though to work on your confidence - just guessing now but have to imagine that there has to be some reason you would allow yourself and your son to be treated by anyone like this - especially over such a long period. Sorry I cannot be more helpful.

Alf. A. Male

You've had one good year in 5. 80% of the duration of your relationship has been "manic" and in no sense that I can see from your post does he earn the title of partner, you know, someone who is supportive, someone you have a bond with, you collaborate with and depend on and enjoy being with. Why are you still with him? Occasional flashes of good times? Wouldn't be enough for me and I wouldn't show this example to a nine year old, he's learning a very unhealthy template for relationships.

Grace_31

Hi Taltos,

Thanks for your reply. I know that this behaviour is not acceptable but my partner has a talent of wording things that somehow make it sound like im being unreasonable and im the one complaining re hols plans etc. Its not that he needs to ask permission or anything like that just some common ground and talk things through would be great.
He is well able to discuss my plans and give me ideas on places to go and things to see when im away but the difference being i give him the option of voicing his opinion which he doesnt seem to understand or do at the time. Its only afterwards he says that he knows its wrong but does it anyway.
I am also guilty as we all are of saying and doing things in the moment of an argument, things that i dont mean but because im angry i will say them regardless. I put his comments down to him being annoyed with me over something or other. I know its not acceptable but i have tried to explain my feelings to him but he doesnt seem interested in hearing me out without it turning into an argument.
I guess that in itself is probably the answer to my own question

Taltos

Grace_31 wrote: »

he doesnt seem interested in hearing me out without it turning into an argument.
I guess that in itself is probably the answer to my own question

Yup - that really says it all. And the fact that he can admit it later means he is self-aware but just isn't bothered changing - i.e. he is more important to himself that you or you both.
Get your point on things being said in the heat of the moment, we all do that, but if this has been going on for years you must be flaming exhausted - also and sorry for doing this - what type of environment is this to be raising a child in? Your kid isn't blind to the atmosphere - what lessons are you teaching him by this and is he picking up on your OH's feelings towards him... That should be your priority here - not some jumped up little prat that seems to thrive on reminding you that your opinion does not count into his choices...

stargazer 68

Op do you live together?

Grace_31

Hi Dovies,

We are not living together now at the moment but we were previously.

Flippyfloppy

Grace_31 wrote: »

He makes these plans with friends for holidays and doesn’t discuss them with me as I do with him before hand. Then he will just tell me he’s going and im not to ask questions about his trip, who he is going with or anything. These holidays are sometimes for 5 nights or 2 weeks or even up to 5-6 weeks.

Jeepers. He totally does not respect you as an equal. I don't want you to feel bad about that so I feel I should point out it's a definite him problem not a you problem!

strobe

Hmm. Is this discussing holiday plans always the cause of the fights and 'bad times'? Its just its the only thing you mention...
You say you always run all your holiday plans by him ahead of time... does he ask or insist you do this or do you do it cause you want to?

Also, I can't help but notice you make of point of saying the length of time his trips away can be and then a point of saying 'I only ever go for one week max', ... Is it a possibility you make comments along the lines of "why does it have to be three weeks? I only ever go away for one week!" or maybe take a bit of a huff when you hear he isn't working under you self imposed 1 week max rule?

Just trying to do a bit of reading between the lines/ devil advocating here... as it seems unlikely he would be so entrenched about this issue if there wasn't a little more going on than the impression you give/have...

Grace_31

Hi,

We do have other issues but this is the only one that seems to cause us to fight a lot.
I usually run my plans by him i would be under the impression that it is respectful to do so when we have been involved for so long. I have tried his approach and there is an issue when i do as he does. If i just make plans then he gets the way i do and asks why didnt i discuss this with him. And like i said in my original post after the event he usally admits that his actions were wrong.
When i said i only go for one week max, i was trying to highlight that even though its 1 week i would discuss it with him. Even if i go away on an overnight break with a friend i would always include him so i was making the point that whatever the length of time i try to make him as included and involved as i can even though he is not going with me. Its not the length of time that bothers me at all its the way that its all handled.

username123

He doesn't have any respect for you. Nice double standard whereby you are expected to ok your plans but you are not allowed to discuss his.

So what if he admits later that he was wrong, that just shows that he knows what he is doing when he does it.

It's all about him, you don't count or matter, your opinion is irrelevant. As a controlling mechanism he wants to know your plans but you're not privy to his. Sounds like in his own mind he is the Sultan of Brunei. Is he generally sexist or is this just controlling behaviour in relationships?

You've had 4 years of problems out of 5, why do you stay in the situation? I'd be telling The Sultan to shove it where the sun don't shine.

liz lemoncello

Grace_31 wrote: »

...

He makes these plans with friends for holidays and doesn’t discuss them with me as I do with him before hand. Then he will just tell me he’s going and im not to ask questions about his trip, who he is going with or anything. These holidays are sometimes for 5 nights or 2 weeks or even up to 5-6 weeks.

.....


I trust him 100% and know that he is not cheating on me or believe that he ever would.

Why on earth would you think this man is trustworthy if he won't allow you to ask questions about where he is going on trips with?

threebagsfull

liz lemoncello wrote: »

Why on earth would you think this man is trustworthy if he won't allow you to ask questions about where he is going on trips with?

My thoughts exactly. It's such a double standard. Unless you were interrogating him there's really no good reason for him to react like that.

shalalala

i have an ex that was able to do this also. Twist everything until when he left I thought it was because I was so controlling. Time away from him has made me realise that since the beginning it has been him twisting things to make me seem controlling where really it was me reacting humanly to him.

my advice would be to leave him but i am going to guess and say that that isn't going to happen yet and you are probably not ready to give up.

write a letter to him he cannot argue with a letter. Seek counselling because when this breaks down you will need all your strength for you and your son after years of bullying.

good luck op x

doggiedee

I'm surprised no one noticed that the OP started a "relationship" with someone else. I'm assuming this was while you were with your partner? If so, well then I could see why he may have no respect for you.

Penny Tration

doggiedee wrote: »

I'm surprised no one noticed that the OP started a "relationship" with someone else. I'm assuming this was while you were with your partner? If so, well then I could see why he may have no respect for you.

She clearly stated that she entered another relationship after her partner told her it was a mistake and he wanted nothing to do with her.

doggiedee

More than likely that was something said in the heat of the moment. Inexcusable but nevertheless... Meanwhile, I don't think the op mentioned that they had split up, therefore she is now the untrustworthy one.

missjm

From the very first line in your post it sounds like a terrible relationship. I don't think you are right for each other at all and the more I read the more I wondered why you are together. Is it just because it's a 'better option' than being alone? You can't force people to change or the relationship to change. I'd be calling it quits at this stage.

Alf. A. Male

doggiedee wrote: »

I'm surprised no one noticed that the OP started a "relationship" with someone else. I'm assuming this was while you were with your partner? If so, well then I could see why he may have no respect for you.

Not sure why you would make that assumption since the OP said it started after her current partner told her he wanted nothing more to do with her.

stargazer 68

doggiedee wrote: »

I'm surprised no one noticed that the OP started a "relationship" with someone else. I'm assuming this was while you were with your partner? If so, well then I could see why he may have no respect for you.

He said he wanted nothing to do with her or her son and she was wrong for him. Why would she not start a new relationship?? I would never have spoken to him again after that but anyways!

doggiedee

Lads, I think you'll find she said that all this happened one year into a relationship which is now at the 5 year mark. Nowhere does it say that they split up, separated or whatever. She also says that she admits it was wrong to have this extra relationship, so I cant see what other type of situation it was. Plain and simple, she did the dirt on her boyfriend and she used what he said in an argument as an excuse to do it...

doggiedee

Also, I'd just like to point out that I don't think these two are a suitable couple for each other, and they would be much better off apart. Op, you need to be thinking about your kid and not about who goes where on holidays.

Alf. A. Male

doggiedee wrote: »

Lads, I think you'll find she said that all this happened one year into a relationship which is now at the 5 year mark. Nowhere does it say that they split up, separated or whatever

Other than here...

Grace_31 wrote: »

Our problems started after a year of us being together. He told me that he wanted nothing to do with my son or me any more and that I was not the right person for him

Now there may be issues with timing, overlap or whatever that they handled badly, but the mesage was clear enough and this by any standard marked the end of their relationship even if they did later rekindle it.