REALLY Over attached girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Girlfriend is really attached to the point where she can't sleep without me beside her, wants me with her at all times.

She basically lives in my house and unless my schedule or what I have planned is to her liking she gets moody and sulks. It's draining my energy. Going out with my friends or going to play football is a chore because I don't know how she'll react to not being around me and as for spending the night without her, forget about it. I have no independence and it is breaking me down. She talks about being together forever but I can't go on like this.

I have considered breaking up and still am strongly considering it but then when I am with her she is lovely, I think she has issues to be honest with self-esteem and attachment. If I break up with her I actually think it will break her in two. We've been going out 3 years and it's been like this for about a year and a half and I don't know what to do. We are going Thailand in July for a couple of weeks.

Anyone else have any experience of a similar situation or any girls who have felt like she has before and what is going through her head? How should I approach this because to be honest I'm reaching breaking point?

miamee

It sounds to me like she has no friends or interests of her own. Except for you.

Can you sit her down and talk to her about this like adults? There is nothing wrong with wanting to go out with your friends or play football and giving up on them in case she gets in a strop is a bad move. I'd talk to her, tell her you really miss doing these things with your friends and you have decided that you will start doing them again. Encourage her to reconnect with her own old friends (if she has any) or to take up new interests/meet new people. It will be good for both of you to have separate interests and new things to talk to each other about.

I have no idea why she might be so attached to you but it does not sound like a healthy recipe for a relationship that you are afraid enough of her reaction that you would stop seeing your friends.

ManOfMystery

I had an ex who was just like this. Couldn't seem to spend time by herself at all, and came to be reliant on me for everything. Didn't like sleeping on her own, didn't like spending time on her own, in fact didn't like doing anything on her own. If I went out for an evening with a few mates, there would be constant texts wanting to know when I would be back, what I was doing, etc. I was made to feel guilty for any time I didn't spend with her, even though every relationship therapist on Earth will tell you that it's healthy to have some apart. She claimed she couldn't sleep if I was out, so I usually ended up going home most nights earlier than my mates just so I wouldn't be given off to about her having to stay awake to 1 or 2am. That was when I was younger, and a much softer touch than I am now. God knows how she managed to get any sleep for the 25yrs of her life before she met me.

Although we both lived far away from our families, we came from the same home town. Things even got so bad that when we went home to see our respective families the odd weekend, she expected me to spend all my time with her and her family rather than getting any quality time with my own - even though me and her lived together all week long.

I found it stifling, suffocating and ultimately that's why we broke up. Even after we broke up, she was still expecting me to spend time with her. There were some jealousy and insecurity issues on her part too.

I don't have much advice to give you really. I don't like saying just 'end it' as I'm sure your relationship has good points too, but she either has to see the error of her ways and change things or else it will never work out. Does she have any friends or family she spends time with? My ex had a few friends but they dwindled away and ultimately she became too reliant on me as her source of social interaction.

curlzy

Hi OP,
I used to be like that years ago in my early 20s but in fairness the guy I was with at the time was worse than me so there was a pair of us like that. Totally unhealthy and suffocating. We broke up and I changed overnight, I found a ton of friends that I met through a hobby I took up and the difference was night and day, I'm constantly doing things, going away, meeting up with friends etc.

I would suggest firstly that you have a sit down with your gf and have an honest heart to heart about what you're feeling. Then instead of telling her to go out and make new friends (can be a bit daunting if you feel out of your depth) you go with her the first few times. Get her to look up things she interested in, there's a ton of stuff you can get into and make friends, try: hula hooping (massive social scene), circus, archery, horse riding, running, photography, art etc etc etc. Then you can both go to the first few meet ups and let her get to know a couple of people and then you can leave her to it after she's found her feet. I think it would be very good for her as well as you.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I actually play a lot of football and have plenty of pals to that end along with guys I know and keep in touch with from school but I feel like I am deserting my existing ones as it is without making new ones. I am happy to go along to things with her if it would help though but I don't know of anything she is keen to voluntarily do.

Any time I do I don't think she takes it serious enough. I don't know how to make her understand, she always says she understands after we fight but then it goes back to the same **** again a few days later when she has to be by herself. How should I approach it to make her realize that I am deadly serious and it is upsetting me?

curlzy wrote: »

Hi OP,
I used to be like that years ago in my early 20s but in fairness the guy I was with at the time was worse than me so there was a pair of us like that. Totally unhealthy and suffocating. We broke up and I changed overnight, I found a ton of friends that I met through a hobby I took up and the difference was night and day, I'm constantly doing things, going away, meeting up with friends etc.

I would suggest firstly that you have a sit down with your gf and have an honest heart to heart about what you're feeling. Then instead of telling her to go out and make new friends (can be a bit daunting if you feel out of your depth) you go with her the first few times. Get her to look up things she interested in, there's a ton of stuff you can get into and make friends, try: hula hooping (massive social scene), circus, archery, horse riding, running, photography, art etc etc etc. Then you can both go to the first few meet ups and let her get to know a couple of people and then you can leave her to it after she's found her feet. I think it would be very good for her as well as you.

Best of luck.

December2012

Maybe it's time to be clear.

Her behaviour is not normal or healthy.

It is unfair to you.

If she wants to stay up and emotionally manipulate you - then she can stay up!

Go out without her and stay out without her.

Yes she should have her own social life and yes she should be working on her crushing self esteem, but as long as she keeps getting away with it she won't change.

My ultimate advice is to leave. But if you don't want to do that yet, then be honest and follow through with your own social life.

Louise Jordan

Maybe she needs to see it from your point of view.

The last thing you want to do is tell her she's needy or clingy (even though she is, it's not nice to hear)

Maybe find ways to get her to see what she's doing? Instead of saying you want to meet the lads to play football or go for drinks?

Say generically and casually with no specific date in mind..."You don't have an issue with me meeting the lads for drinks or pints do you"

If she says "Yea I do" then you can battle it out but I'm guessing most people with an ounce of common sense will say "Of course not"

Then say; Great, because this and this and this is happening

Maybe you need to be selfish and if she is being moody - put it to her that you basically live together and do a,b & c together and be so bold as to say "If we start spending every minute together we'll end up hating eachother.....how can I miss you if you're always here?" etc

If it persists....P45

Best of luck

Ande1975

lookingforopinions wrote: »

I actually play a lot of football and have plenty of pals to that end along with guys I know and keep in touch with from school but I feel like I am deserting my existing ones as it is without making new ones. I am happy to go along to things with her if it would help though but I don't know of anything she is keen to voluntarily do.

Any time I do I don't think she takes it serious enough. I don't know how to make her understand, she always says she understands after we fight but then it goes back to the same **** again a few days later when she has to be by herself. How should I approach it to make her realize that I am deadly serious and it is upsetting me?

Start making plans. One night a week to start.
When she starts acting up, you stop and say ' see this...this is an example of what I am talking about?'
You tell her how you feel about her and just because you want to see your friends or play football doesn't mean you care about her less.
If you continue to have to call out her behaviour, then its time to cut the cord, and it probably would be the best thing for her at this stage.

curlzy

curlzy wrote: »

Hi OP,
I used to be like that years ago in my early 20s but in fairness the guy I was with at the time was worse than me so there was a pair of us like that. Totally unhealthy and suffocating. We broke up and I changed overnight, I found a ton of friends that I met through a hobby I took up and the difference was night and day, I'm constantly doing things, going away, meeting up with friends etc.

I would suggest firstly that you have a sit down with your gf and have an honest heart to heart about what you're feeling. Then instead of telling her to go out and make new friends (can be a bit daunting if you feel out of your depth) you go with her the first few times. Get her to look up things she interested in, there's a ton of stuff you can get into and make friends, try: hula hooping (massive social scene), circus, archery, horse riding, running, photography, art etc etc etc. Then you can both go to the first few meet ups and let her get to know a couple of people and then you can leave her to it after she's found her feet. I think it would be very good for her as well as you.

Best of luck.

lookingforopinions wrote: »

I actually play a lot of football and have plenty of pals to that end along with guys I know and keep in touch with from school but I feel like I am deserting my existing ones as it is without making new ones. I am happy to go along to things with her if it would help though but I don't know of anything she is keen to voluntarily do.

Any time I do I don't think she takes it serious enough. I don't know how to make her understand, she always says she understands after we fight but then it goes back to the same **** again a few days later when she has to be by herself. How should I approach it to make her realize that I am deadly serious and it is upsetting me?

In your situation I would give her an ultimatum. Don't like doing it but you have to draw a line here and not go back on it. Sit her down, tell her how you feel this is suffocating you and you don't feel like she takes it seriously and it's gotton to the stage were you can't be with her anymore. That'll wake her up to the possibility of what she's in danger of losing. Then tell her you'll give it one final go but that this is it. She has to make a real go of filling out her life so it doesn't rotate around you, you'll go with her to to whatever interest she has to help her meet some people and get comfortable but if she doesn't make the effort then it's over. And mean it. You could go on and let it slide but you'll be in the same suffocating situation down the road. If she doesn't change then it's time to call it a day before you end up resenting and hating her.

Best of luck.

dellas1979

Well, OP if you fight, then there never really is a resolution.
Its a battle of Points of Views.
Usually one left feeling bad.

The aim should be not to argue with her, but to still make your point and draw some boundaries.

Instead of shooting of "you this, you that, youre suffocating me, you are making me feel trapped" try "I am not happy with this situation". "This situation is making me feel suffocated, what can change?"

If you are shooting off the "yous" to someone who clearly likes to have their way, you will always come off the worse. If you get them thinking, at least you have a chance.

Dolly Daydreams

Louise Jordan wrote: »

Maybe she needs to see it from your point of view.

Say generically and casually with no specific date in mind..."You don't have an issue with me meeting the lads for drinks or pints do you"

If she says "Yea I do" then you can battle it out but I'm guessing most people with an ounce of common sense will say "Of course not"

Best of luck

Great advice from Louise..

OP in my early 20's I did this in a relationship. However it was down to me thinking he was out trying to get his end away (he was as admitted down the line, but how and ever) Before I lived with him I stayed with him in his house or him in mine constantly, didn't like him going out etc etc.. Does she ever mention to you about being uncomfortable with you being around women or anything? Just trying to see if that's something that could be in her head that if you're not with her you could be out with someone else?

Merkin

I think she should seek professional help, her behaviour is highly abnormal and unhealthy and if it has been going on for eighteen months now I can't see it suddenly improving. Does she know how unhappy this is making you OP?

bee06

OP you say you've been together 3 years and she's been acting this way for a year and a half. Did something happen then that changed her behaviour? If you can deal with the root cause of the issue then it should be easier to help her be less clingy etc.

Lou.m

This is NOT normal.

You say it is a year and a half but you are together three years what happened?

Wormking2002

I had that attachment problem as well with at least 2 birds..sort of sucks the life outta ya...I tried to get them to have their own interests, do their own things...didn't work on my end but there is only so much you can do..

strobe

I don't think there's any softly softly or indirect approach here that will work tbh. Sit her down and speak plainly, tell her you love her but this is unhealthy and unpleasant for both of you and has to stop. Say straight out that it is putting the relationship in danger and although it'd break your heart if things don't change you will end the relationship before you end up disliking her. Advise her to seek counseling if she doesn't feel she can get a handle on this on her own and let her know you'll support her in her efforts as long as an effort is being made.

You say you want to bring it up without upsetting her but that's just not possible to do in a way that will have any effect.